DAVES TOP TEN

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TOP TEN QUESTIONS MOST OFTEN ASKED AT A 99-CENT STORE

10..How much is this? :lol:

9..Is this necklace real gold? :rolleyes:

8..Do these Tanpa Bay Devil Rays sweatshirts come in medium? :confused:

7..So let me get this straight ..everything here is 99 cents? :lol:

6..How much is this? :mad:

5..Do you have anything for 98 cents :rolleyes:

4..How much is this 'Best of Ray Stevens" CD? :eek:

3..Didn't this used to be White Castle? :p

2..Is that David Letterman? :(

1..Can someone go to the back and get me more pennies? :D
 
TOP TEN SUPRISES IN OPRAH'S INTERVIEW WITH MADONNA

10..Madonna named the kid Stedman :eek:

9..Dr. Phil wrestled to the ground by securuiy before he could get to the stage and say some of his crap :lol:

8..Oprah changed show's format..now set backstage at "Saturday Night Live" :D

7..Touching mommet where baby went joyriding with Britney's kid :confused:

6..Madonna insisted on being interviewed on a 12-foot cross :rolleyes:

5..Unveiled her new line of cone-chaped bras :p

4..A confused Maury Povich came in with paternity test results :lol:

3..Got so excited, Madonna paid an assistant to jump on Oprah's couch :eek:

2..Madonna's admission that she enjoys using pine tar :confused:

1..Out of habit, Bill Clinton claaed to say it wasn't his :cool:
 
TOP TEN QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF BEFORE VOTING FOR SCHWARZENEGGER

10..Do I feel comfortable having a govenor who oils his chest? :lol:

9..Have I throughly considered Stallone..Van Damme and Seagal? :eek:

8..Is "Come on, It'll be funny..a good reason to vote for someone :rolleyes:

7..Has he done enough to make California a laughing stock? :mad:

6..How can I be sure he'll be just as Schwarzeneggy this time around? :D

5..Can I bench-press more today than I could three years ago? :confused:

4..What would Predator do? :rolleyes:

3..Will he cut taxes on steeroids? :devil:

2..He won't embarrass us..will he? :lol:

1..have I lost my mind? :eek:
 
TOP TEN SIGNS A BASEBALL PLAYER IS CHEATING

10..Tested positive for uranium :rolleyes:

9..Always asking fans for clean urine :(

8..After each win..recieved congratulatory phon call for Balco founder Victor Conte :confused:

7..Name on back of uniform is "Bonds" :eek:

6..You can find him in the clubhouse corking himself :lol:

5..Distracts opponents by throwing out the frozen head of Ted Williams :(

4..Somehow got 3 RBI's during the 7th inning :D

3..You haven't seen this much Vaseline on them since the Paris Hilton video :p

2..Pete Rose called him a disgrace to the game :rolleyes:

1..His nickname is "Needle Ass" :lol:
 
TOP TEN THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM BEING ON "DANCING WITH THE STARS" BY JERRY SPRINGER

10..Sometimes your best choreographer is Johnny Walker :lol:

9..There are no disputes that can't be settled by dancing...think about it North Korea :mad:

8..The fitness training will come in handy on my show when breaking up fights between hookers :D

7..I'm allergic to sequins :eek:

6..You do much better if you take the vitamins supplied by Barry Bonds :(

5..The defination of "star" has really loosened up :cool:

4..Thie might be why the terrorists hate us :confused:

3..I have a whole new respect for the exotic dancers on my show :p

2..If there's one thing more exciting than being on "Dancing With The Stars"..it's no longer being on "Dancing With The Stars" :lol:

1..I need a new agent :rolleyes:
 
TOP TEN JOHN KERRY EXCUSES

10..Lightheaded from too much botex :rolleyes:

9..Hasn't been himself since he heard Bob Barker is retiring :lol:

8..Remark was an ill-concieved..carless blunder..kind of like the WAR :mad:

7..Just displaying that famous wit that cost him the 2004 election :confused:

6..Hoped saying something really stupid would make him seem more presidential :eek:

5..Too much Halloween candy :D

4..Relax..the election is months away :eek:

3..So I botched a joke..Letterman des it every night :devil:

2..On the advice of his friend Mel Gibson..he's blaming it on the Jews :(

1..Hey, it was still funnier than most of the jokes on this list :lol:
 
Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Voting For Schwarzenegger


10. "Do I feel comfortable having a governor who oils his chest?"

9. "Have I thoroughly considered Stallone, Van Damme and Seagal?"

8. "Is 'Come on, it'll be funny' a good reason to vote for someone?"

7. "Has he done enough to make California a laughingstock?"

6. "How can I be sure he'll be just as Schwarzeneggy this time around?"

5. "Can I bench-press more today than I could three years ago?"

4. "What would Predator do?"

3. "Will he cut taxes on steroids?"

2. "He won't embarrass us, will he?"

1. "Have I lost my mind?"
 
TOP TEN THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR IN A BOWLING ALLEY

10..I was wearing those shoes earlier..hope you don't mind athlete's feet :(

9..Someone tried to flush a pin down the toilet :mad:

8..I'm guessing your sex life is one big gutter ball :eek:

7..Whoever owns a red Honda Civic, I just threw a bowling ball through your windsheild :lol:

6..Wanna go back to my place and try a seventeen split :confused:

5..This is roughly the weight of a severed head :eek:

4..I lost my virginity on land 5 ;)

3..Somebody lose a thumb :eek:

2..A bowling alley? Nice going Romereo :p

1..You know, you strike me as the type of guy who polishes his ball every night :rolleyes:
 
TOP TEN THOUGHTS GOING THROUGH SADDAM HUSSEIN'S MIND RIGHT NOW

10..I guess there's no point in counting carbs anymore :D

9..So much for my "beard" :eek:

8..Hanging? I was sure they were gonna send Cheney over here to shoot me :lol:

7..And yet Donald Trump lives :rolleyes:

6..How about one last conjugal with Streisand? :eek:

5..My classmates did say I was the "Most Likly To be Hanged" :D

4..If only I'd gotten more education like John Kerry said :confused:

3..At least it's an exit strategy:rolleyes:

2..Well, I won't have to watch the Knicks :mad:

1..My approval rating is still higher than Bush's :D
 
desertwind said:
TOP TEN THOUGHTS GOING THROUGH SADDAM HUSSEIN'S MIND RIGHT NOW
If only I'd gotten more education like John Kerry said :confused:
Click to expand...

John Kerry recently said "That young people might get 'stuck in Iraq' if they don't study hard and do their homework".

I hope that quote cleared it up for you.
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Top Ten Thoughts Going Through Saddam Hussein's Mind At This Moment

"Are there Doritos in Hell?"

"If they ever make a movie about this, I think Burt Reynolds should play me"

"Now I'm definitely voting Democrat on Tuesday"

"I just hope I live long enough to see Impressionist Week on the Late Show"

"Once I'm gone, I guess Dick Cheney will be the most evil person alive"

"Does my will specify who inherits my spider hole?"

"Where's that Ashton Kutcher, I know I'm being Punk'd"

"Should I name Chemical Ali executor of my will?"
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I know Calihan.. I put the confused smily face.. cause he was JOKING!!!!


TOP TEN SIGNS GEORGE W. BUSH IS DEPRESSED

10..Speaks wistfully of the days when his approval rating was 33% :rolleyes:

9..Barely musters a smile when catching Cheney torturing detainees :mad:

8..Smug..arrogant smirk replaced by smug..arrogant frown :(

7..Barely laughs anymore during "Happy Days" re-runs :lol:

6..Falls alseep during intelligence briefings..actually..he always did that :D

5..No longer pretends he quit drinking :eek:

4..Sits in the Oval Office to Fleetwood Mac's "Landslide" over and over :rolleyes:

3..When Rumsfeld left yesterday..Bush pleaded.."Take me with you" :lol:

2..At lunch with speaker-to-be Nancy Pelosi, he hardly touched his fish sticks :p

1..Asked Bubba if he still had that fat chick's phone number :eek:
 
Top Ten Signs George W. Bush Is Depressed

Cutest nickname he could come up with for Robert Gates: "Robert Gates"

Doesn't even feel like invading Laura

Hardly has the energy to ignore intelligence briefings

Spends all day in the War room playing X-Box

Volunteered to go hunting with Cheney

He's only taken four days off this week

Correctly pronounced "nuclear"

Complaining that his crappy health-insurance plan doesn't cover Prozac

Hasn't bothered to put on pants since the election

Replaced Karl Rove with Dr. Phil as his primary source of horsecrap advice

He's considering not running for re-election in 2008

Writing lots of bad poetry about sad cowboys
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Top Ten Things Overheard At The White House Halloween Party

10. "Hey look, it's the Michelin Man! Oh wait -- it's just Senator Kennedy"
Nick N., The Woodlands, TX

9. "That's no goblin, that's Helen Thomas"
Jeffrey G., Howell, NJ

8. "Wow, I haven't seen bobbing this good since Clinton left office"
Susie H., Ottawa, Ontario

7. "I was going to wear a WMD costume, but I couldn't find any"
Jeannette B., Overland Park, KS

6. "Hey, would someone tell Cheney's daughter to quit hitting on the Bush twins?"
Bruce C., Walla, Walla

5. "That's an amazing Frankenstein costume...oops, sorry Senator Kerry"
Pam C., Troy, NY

4. "Yes, George, I promise we can go trick or treating as soon as we finish this"
Tim R., Syracuse, NY

3. "Mr. President, a new poll shows you've jumped 45 points by wearing that Bill Clinton mask"
David L., Burbank, CA

2. "I heard that instead of candy, Foley was passing out his e-mail address"
Ashley K., Los Angeles, CA

1. "Chaney's come as a duck hunter. Run for your lives!"
Webster B., Cambridge, MA
 
TOP TEN WAYS TO MISPRONOUNCE BARACK OBAMA

10..Dalai Lama

9..Rocky Balboa

8..Baked Alaska

7.Lions and Tigers and Barrack..Obama!

6..Conan O' Brien

5..Affleck Box Office Bomb-A

4..Jerry Orbach

3..Bahama Mama

2..Jacko's Llama

1..Bandaloop
 
Top Ten Reasons Bob Barker Is Retiring

10. Drops his pants every time he hears, "Come on down!"
Scott M., Austin, TX

9. Contestants couldn't concentrate on the pricing with that "old man smell"
Tom B., Westmont, NJ

8. 35 years of exposure to Turtle Wax has taken a toll on his body
Sandi S., Knoxville, TN

7. Show taping conflicts with the early-bird specials at Shoney's
Griff B., Independence, KY

6. At his age, he really belongs on "60 Minutes"
Paul L., Montgomery Village, MD

5. Giving useless crap away to white trash not so fulfilling anymore
Luke R., Toronto, ON

4. Backstage vodka no longer deadens the pain of the annoying Plinko game
Rich T., Chester, NJ

3. Dogs and cats are now extinct
Pamela C., Eau Claire, WI

2. Needs to stay focused on his quest to nail Britney Spears
Brad M., Sunset Beach, CA

1. CBS decided two creepy old guys were too much
Jay L., Frisco, TX
 
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