DAVES TOP TEN

[Desertwind]

TOP TEN QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF BEFORE ORDERING THE BURGER KING QUAD STACKER

10--Are my papers in order? :lol:

9--Can I supersize it?

8--Will I have time to run 300 miles to burn off the calories?

7-Could this have anything to do with why the rest of the world hates us?

6--Should I talk to my doctor about Liptor?

5--Can I get it on a low-carb bun?

4--How come there isn't any sausage on this bad boy?

3--Why is Burger King making me sign a release form? :lol:

2--Should I wait till they come out with the Quint Stacker?

1--Do I have my cardiologist on speed dial?

 

[Calihan]

The extras from the list.

Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Ordering The Burger King Quad Stacker:

"Will 8 pieces of bacon be enough?"

"Will I have room for an apple pie?"

"How much does it cost to have a crane lift you out of bed every day?"

"Do I really have much to live for, anyway?"

"What's it like to sweat mayonnaise?"

"Would it be healthier just to eat the fat kid behind the counter?"

"Do I prefer the nickname 'Tubby' or 'Lard-Ass'?"

 

[Desertwind]

TOP TEN SIGNS THE EARTH IS TOO DAMN HOT

10--It's so hot, Tom Cruise was screaming at Al Roker

9--It's so hot, Willie Nelson got caught with a kilo of Italian Ices :lol:

8--It's so hot, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is enriching Gatorgade

7--It's so hot, Bobby Brown called Whitney Houston just to get the cold shoulder

6--It's so hot, I saw Rachael Ray making soup--in the East River

5--It;s so hot, Britney Spears baby is driving a convertible

4--It's so hot, Katie Couric is doing the news in a tankini

3--It's so hot, Al Gore has a new movie "An Inconvenient Sweat Stain"

2--It's so hot, Paris Hilton was seen canoodling Ted Williams head

1--It;s so hot, Jim McGreevy is having an affair with ben & Jerry

 

[Desertwind]

TOP TEN NEW FALL SHOWS ON AL-JAZEERA

10--How I Met Your Mullah

9--CSI:CAVE :lol:

8--Dancing With The Sheiks

7--Afghanistan's Next Top Martyr :lol:

6--Spongeabdul Squareturban :lol:

5--Battlegoat Galactica

4--Barnaby Jones

3--Welcome Back Kotter, From Your Detainment At Gitmo :lol:

2--The Man From C.A.M.E.L

1--Pimp My Beard :lol:

 

[Desertwind]

TOP TEN SURPRISES IN BOB WOODWARD'S NEW BOOK

10--Bush financed the war by selling White House China on eBay :lol:

9--Instead of pursuing Al-Qaeda, CIA agents originally pursued Al Pacino

8--President's military strategy based on re-runs of F-Troop

7-Bush's plan--To fix this mess by the end of his third term

6--Says both Bush and Clinton could have done more to prevent the new Kevin Costner film :lol:

5--Frequent use of the word-"Brangelina"

4--The nude fold-out of Donald Rumsfield

3--Iraq insurgency began when local affiliates started broadcasting "Yes, Dear" :lol:

2--Book chronicles Condoleezza's futile attempts to get laid

1--Bush loSt focus on Iraq because Congressman Mark Foley wouldn't stop sending him inappropriate e-mails (SCUMBAG)

 

[Desertwind]

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE WATCHING A BAD MAFIA MOVIE

10--Takes place on the mean streets of Appelton, Wisconsin :lol:

9--The fake blood is clearly Yoo-Hoo

8--Someone is given an offer he has the option of refusing

7--Directed by Martin Scorses....'s brother Larry :lol:

6--When mobsters try to dump body in Jersey, they sit in traffic at the tunnel for 90 minutes

5--Instead of a horse's head, informant wakes up to a delicious chocolate on his pillow

4--Punishment for snitching... no X-Box for a week

3--Boss keeps using catchphrase, "Don't Hassel the Hoff"

2--Feds use wiretap to get famous vegetarian lasagna recipe

1--Only whacking is done by Mark Foley

 

[Desertwind]

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE AT A BAD HALLOWEEN PARTY

10--Jack-O-Lantern looks suspiciously like the mailmans head

9-A guy from Domino's delivers a pizza--and wins best costume :lol:

8--Shirtless Ed Ansner walking about as "The Wolfman"

7--You see the guy dressed as Bill Clinton coming out of the bedroom with your wife

6--They're serving haunted pancakes

5--So called ghost, just the old guy form the 1-800-COLLECT commercials :lol:

4--You say "nice crazy dwarf costume" to a guy and he says "I'm Ross Perot, you little bastard"

3--Some chemical in all that green ink turns your into a crazy litttle chipmunk like Mel Gibson

2--A woman dressed as Pairs Hilton, mistakes you for Bush

1--Hey Chester--those aren't CANDY CORNS

 

[Desertwind]

TOP TEN SIGNS BUSH IS DRINKING AGAIN

10-Begins every speech with "Dude, I'm so hungover"

9--Welcomed John Roberts with awkward, lingering hug"

8--During recent speech, coughed up a swizzle stick :lol:

7--Now spells his name B-U-S-C-H

6--Appointed Michael Brown head of Zima

5--He's been pronouncing words correctly

4--Next Supreme Court nominee-Johnny Walker Black

3--He's been asking Clinton for that "hefty girl's phone #

2--Even the twins are urging him to slow down

1--Called a cabinet meeting to discuss "Laura's dynamite ass"

 

[Desertwind]

TOP TEN SIGNS BARBARA STREISAND'S GONE NUTS

10--When a fan shouted "Sing Memories"... she beat him up with her high heel

9--Declared jihad on Liza Minnelli

8--At conclusions of "The Way We Were", bites off the head of a bat

7--Turned down an offer to save 15% on car insurance by switching to Geico

6--Invited Mel Gibson to come over and watch "Yentl" :lol:

5-Now believes that people who need people are only the third-luckiest people in the world

4-When a cameraman accidently photographed her from the wrong side, she shot him with a 12-gauge

3--Refers to James Brolin's "Tranmission needing work" if you know what I mean

2--Finally had a nose job...to make it bigger

1--Well, this is her fifth farewell tour

 

[Desertwind]

TOP TEN NEW YORK YANKEES EXCUSES

10--Wanted Columbus Day off to go to all the sales

9--Thought series was best 6 out of 11 :lol:

8--We've already missed the first 3 episodes of CSI,,, enough is enough

7--Thought Joe Torre told us to give 10 percent

6--Players distracted by erotic text message from Mark Foley

5--Shouldn't have switched to the cheaper generic steroids

4--Clubhouse caterer replaced E-coli-tainted spincach with E-coli-tainted lettuce

3--Uh, global warming?

2--Have focused on how they're going to get by on a lousy $16 million a year

1--What's the point? North Korea's going to nuke us any minute

 

[Desertwind]

TOP TEN SUPRISES IN THE MEL GIBSON INTERVIEW

10--Mel did the entire interview in a yarmulke :lol:

9--His controversial decision to begin with a joke about Swedes

8--Kicked off interview by asking the cameraman, 'You're not a Jew are you"?

7--Asked Diane if she was up for a "snort and a little grab ass"?

6--Announced he's changed his name to Gibstein

5--Slurred his most heartfelt confession yet

4--Plugged hilarious new comedy CD "You Might be A Zionist Bastard If.....

3--After each apology, Diane did a shot :lol:

2--Blames the whole thing on tainted gefilte fish

1--Diane's sole question.."Why you be hatin', G ?"

 

[Desertwind]

TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR HALLOWEEN CANDIES

10--Bit O Squirrel

9--Poisonettes

8--Good 'n' Sweaty

7--Middlefinger

6--Della Reese's Pieces

5--Clam Duds

4--Baby Ruth Bader Ginsburg :lol:

3--Gummy Marrow

2--Ken Starburst

1--Osmond Joy :lol:

 

[Desertwind]

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE TOO OLD TO BE TRICK OR TREATING

10..You get winded from knocking on the door :lol:

9..You have to have another kid chew the candy for you

8..You ask for high fiber candy only

7..When someone drops a candy bar in your bag..you lose your balance..and fall over

6..People say "Great Keith Richards mask" and you're not wearing a mask :devil: poor Keith..always getting put down

5..When the door opens you yell.. 'Trick or... and can't remember the rest :lol:

4..Bt the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders

3..You have to carefully choose a costume that won't mess up your hairpiece

2..You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker

1..You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live

 

[Calihan]

Top Ten Signs You've Eaten Tainted Lettuce


10. It tasted E. coli-y

9. You had to sign a waiver before a trip to the Olive Garden salad bar

8. It comes with penicillin vinaigrette

7. Most people don't bleed spontaneously after eating a BLT

6. Only respond when someone says, "Here kitty, kitty, kitty..."

5. Flip on CNN to see headline "Deadly Lettuce" and a photo of your house

4. You test a nuclear weapon in open defiance of the international community

3. All of your produce is bought from Tainted Valley Farms

2. On a hunting trip, you mistake an elderly lawyer for a quail

1. You feel weak and listless and your name's not "A-Rod"

The List Extras:

First time buying radicchio where you had to sign a waiver

You're the only one at the salad bar not wearing a Hazmat-suit

You look in the mirror, the Hulk looks back

Your salad just bit you

You find yourself thinking "That Dennis Hastert is a fine-looking hunk of a man"

------

Top Ten Ways The Country Would Be Different If a Woman Were President

10. On our currency, "In God We Trust" will be replaced with "You Go, Girl!"
Teri G., Santa Cruz, CA

9. NASA's Mars mission cancelled, replaced by mission to Venus
Bill R., Paducah, KY

8. Wars would be over as soon as someone breaks a nail
Annie H., Youngsville, NC

7. New cabinet position: Secretary of Electrolysis
Jason K., Covina, CA

6. Library of Congress changed to Oprah's Book Club
Ronbo J., Dodgeville, WI

5. Terror Threat Level colors are plum, mauve, fuchsia, periwinkle and pink
Jim G., Manhattan, KS

4. Inaugural speech urging the nation to "moisturize"
Frankie C., Narberth, PA

3. She wouldn't interrupt prime time TV for a stupid press conference, especially when "Grey's Anatomy" is on
Lori R., Barto, PA

2. Pointless invasion of Bloomingdale's
Ken B., Santa Barbara, CA

1. Mandatory prison sentence for leaving the toilet seat up
Riley L., Hong, Kong

 

[Desertwind]

TOP TNE HALLOWEEN MOVIES PLAYING IN TIMES SQUARE

10..Ride My Broomstick

9..Return of The Trouser Mummy

8..It's The Great Pumpkin..Divine Brown

7..Frankenstein Meets the Swedish Exchange Student

6..The Aliens From..Independence Day Doin' it!!

5..Jack 0' Lapdance

4..Friday the 13th Part 7..Jason Comes Out of The Closet

3..I was A Teenage Werewolf Hired By A Wealthy Widow to Do Some Yardwork

2..Tom Brokaw's Halloween Sexfest :lol:

1..Poltergeist In My Pants