DAVES TOP TEN

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Top Ten Other Changes To "Survivor"

10. Rodents available in Regular and Extra Crispy
William L., Sunnyvale, CA

9. Tribal Council now held at Red Lobster
Charlie W., Centreville, VA

8. Next season's location: Brokeback Mountain
Hunter E., Richmond, VA

7. Tribe members can now with immunity through Affirmative Action
Jimmy M., Cary, NC

6. Conflicts resolved in sessions with Dr. Phil
Woody O., Casper, WY

5. Ted Danson makes an unfortunate cameo guest appearance in black face
Dale B., Sacramento, CA

4. Winner must take on tribe of angry lesbians who are mad as hell they didn't get their own tribe
Dougie W., Adrian, MO

3. Toughest Immunity Challenge ever: lift Bush's approval rating
Cliff R., Jacksonville, FL

2. Tribes now separated into Black, White, Jewish or Mel Gibson Fan
Paul G., Providence, RI

1. "There will be no survivors."
Brody W., Camarillo, CA
 
Top Ten Ways The White House Is Different Now That Hillary Has Moved Out


10. President no longer sleeping alone

9. Faucets in master bedroom now dispense scented message oil and gravy.

8. Forget dress down Friday - now all-nude Friday and pantsless Monday through Thursday.

7. Volumes of Hillary fan mail redirected to new house.

6. Hillary no longer writing volumes of fan mail to herself.

5. No Pressure to cuddle.

4. Token male intern transferred out.

3. Oval office covered with "Vote Giuliani" posters.

2. Women's soccer team no longer has to win World Cup to spend night at White House.

1. Menorah taken off living room mantle.
 
TOP TEN WAYS I'M CELEBRATING OUR 13TH ANNIVERSARY

10--Cupcakes with creamy Liptor frosting :p

9--Begging the feds to remove my ankle bracelet for the night :mad:

8--13 shots of Jager, dude!!! :p

7--Receiving thougthful "Time To Retire" bouquet from CBS president Les Moonves :eek:

6--An intimate dinner with friends and family at Long John Silvers :p

5--Drinks with my prize-winning collies Krystal and Alexis :lol:

4--The girls from "The View" took me for an afternoon of facials and gossip :D

3--Treating myself to a new hairpiece :confused:

2--Turning over the show to my brother Raul :rolleyes:

1--After the show-Snoop and I are going to get shizzle-faced :eek:
 
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR BOSS IS SPYING ON YOU

10--He spent three hours interrogating your kitty :lol:

9--You turn up the thermosat and hear your supervisor sceam from the air vent :eek:

8--Every morning, some guy puts a new roll of film in your fichus ;)

7--Powerpoint presentations include photos of your flossing :confused:

6--Greets you in the elevator with, 'Boy, that was some call from your urologist" :(

5-The "O" on your keyboard looks a lot like his eyeball :D

4--Keeps repeating the same phrase "Please speak directly into my pants" :lol:

3--His screensaver is you in the mens room :eek:

2--When your wife wears a negligee, his voice comes out of the lamp asking, "Is that new"? :D

1-Advised you to get that mole on your ass looked at :eek:
 
Top Ten Signs Your Boss Is Spying On You

Your file cabinet keeps sneezing

As you chat with colleagues, the water cooler asks, "Could you repeat that?"

Constantly second-guessing your computer solitaire strategy

Awkward moment in elevator when he asks why you switched to boxers

Greets you in the morning by saying, "Wow, you had the craziest dream last night"

There's a microphone in your oatmeal
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Top Ten Things Never Before Said By A NASCAR Driver

10. Kasey Kahne: "Anyone know how to drive a stick?"

9. Jeff Gordon: "Does this gas taste funny to you?"

8. Jeff Burton: "I don't care much for country music or beer"

7. Mark Martin: "Switch the 'r' and 'c' in 'racing' and you get 'caring'"

6. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: "Wow, Letterman looks so young in person"

5. Denny Hamlin: "You're looking at a guy who can drive 500 miles without taking a leak"

4. Kyle Busch: "A truly great driver doesn't mind asking for directions, am I right, ladies?"

3. Kevin Harvick: "It would be nice if the guys in the pits occasionally surprised me with a piece of carrot cake or something"

2. Jimmie Johnson: "The Nextel Cup is great, but what I'm really excited for is Late Show Ventriloquist Week"

1. Matt Kenseth: "If you think I'm fast in my car, you should see me in the bedroom"
 
TOP TEN THINGS NEVER BEFORE SAID BY A NASCAR DRIVER

10-Kasey Kahne-'Anyone know how to drive a stick"? :lol:

9-Jeff Gordon- "Does this gas taste funny to you"? :eek:

8-Jeff Burton- "I don't care much for country music or beer" :D

7-Mark Martin-"Switch the 'r' and 'c' in 'racing' and you get 'caring'" ;)

6-Dale Earnhardt Jr, "Wow, Letterman look's so young in person" :lol:


5-Denny Hamlin "You're looking at a guy who can drive 500 miles without taking a leak" :eek:

4-Kyle Busch-"A truly great driver doesn't mind asking for directions, am I right, ladies"? :D

3-Kevin Harvick- "It would be nice if the guys in the pits occasionally suprised me with a piece of carrot cake or something" :p

2--Jimmie Johnson- "The Nextel Cup is great, but what I'm really excited for is Late Show Ventriloquist Week" :lol:

1--Matt Kenseth- "If you think I'm fast in my car, you should see me in the bedroom" :p
 
TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD AT PRESIDENT BUSH'S LABOR DAY BARBECUE

10--After 35 days of vacation, I think I've earned a day off"" :eek:

9--Hey, Secret Service, Cheney's headed for the pork ribs-again :p

8--It's true that we haven't found any relish yet, but we believe that it exists, and we will find it!! :mad:

7--What a great idea to use camp X-ray detainees aas waiters :lol:


6--Check out my hilarious "Commander-N-Chief apron!! :rolleyes:

5--These hot dogs are so good, they make me want to invade Frankfurt! :confused:

4--I still can't believe that moron's president :eek:

3--Who made the potato salad-- Chemical Ali? :p

2--A toast to all the American taxpayers who paid for this delicious spread :D

1--Laura, honey, am I on fire again? :devil:
 
Congratulations kunfuprincess keep on keeping on ;)these are funny- Lettermans writers :Dglad your enjoying them ;)

TOP TEN PUNCHLINES TO DIRTY ELECTION JOKES

10--With a poll like that, I'm suprised he can gallup at all :rolleyes:

9--She starts chanting "four more minutes-four more minutes" :eek:

8--That's not the voting lever, but don't stop pulling :mad:

7--This isn't how it look's--I'm just joining a third party :lol:

6--I prefer Bush, but I don't know who I'll vote for :(

5--So that's where Katherine Harris was hiding the Al Gore votes :confused:

4--Unfortunately, his margin of error was plus or minus three inches :p

3--Get used to it honey--we live in a swing state :rolleyes:

2--I thought you had trouble maintaining an election :cool:

1--I saw your sister with Mary Cheney-their was no sign of Dick :eek:
 
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR TELEVISION SHOW IS GOING TO BE CANCELLED

10--It's entitled, "Everybody Loves Osama" :(

9--Instead of laughing, studio audience shouts, "Lets burn down the studio" :eek:

8--The frequent lulls while the lead character attempts to remember his lines :rolleyes:

7--It stars the remains of Desi Arnaz :confused:

6--Variety calls it "A thrill ride similar to eating tainted spinach :(

5--To keep costs down, show is taped by elevator security cameras :lol:

4--It nabbed the coveted 3 AM time slot :D

3--One of 15 NBC shows based on backstage at "Satrday Night Live" :rolleyes:

2--The opening credits include the word "Hasselhoff" :mad:

1--Their big ida is something called "Ventriloquist Week" :cool:
 
Top Ten Signs Your Husband Is Gay

10. You come home to find him handling the gardener's hose

9. On your wedding day, you wore the same dress

8. Favorite magazines: "Gourmet" and "Honcho"

7. Your name: Jodi -- name he calls out during sex: Lou

6. Constantly leaving that seat down, am I right girls?

5. Bumper sticker reads: "I'd rather be having sex with dudes"

4. During "Brokeback Mountain," He mumbles, "It didn't happen exactly like that"

3. At your sister's wedding reception, he caught the bouquet

2. Yells, "Honey, I'm home after a long day of gay sex!"

1. Says he got rear-ended but the car looks fine
 
TOP TEN SIGNS IT'S AUTUMN IN NEW YORK

10--Twenty percent increase in crimes committed with rakes :eek:

9--Since people are wearing jackets, chalk body outlines a bit bulkier :lol:

8--Sanitation department finally picks up last years Christmans trees :rolleyes:

7--Because of daylight savings time, Conan O"Brien now has 5 years before he replaces Leno :mad:

6-Billy Joel has the top up when he crashes his car :confused:

5--People are flocking to the Hello Deli to watch the meat loaf change colors :p

4--Bill O'Reilly is keeping his pants on while making phone calls :eek:

3--CBS has documents that prove it's spring :D

2--The Mets are not playing :confused:

1--Martha Stewart is carving pumpkins :p
 
TOP TEN QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF BEFORE EATING SPINACH

10--Was my spinach properly sprayed with Lysol :(

9--Isn't it still safer than eating a New York Hotdog? :lol:

8--So, all those years my mom made me eat spinach, she was trying to kill me? :(

7--Is this the right side dish for my Mad Cow burger? :eek:

6--Are my papers in order? :rolleyes:

5--If I get sick, will my wife TiVo Ventriloquist Week on this show? :lol:

4--Should I also avoid Kale? :confused:

3--If I'm going to eat something deadly, shouldn't if be delicious Pop-Tarts? :p

2--What would Popeye do? :lol:

1--Do I really want my obituary to read, "Man Dies A La Florentine"? :(
 
Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From Your College Roommate

10. "Where can I hang this poster of George Takei?"
Gerald L., Ottawa

9. "After the third operation they weren't quite sure which dormitory to put me in"
Andy K., Albany, NY

8. "The last night I spent away from home was at Neverland"
Robert L., Lockport, NY

7. "My mom will be here around 8pm to tuck us in"
John F., Bella Vista, AR

6. "Hey, your underwear actually fits me!"
Cory P., Tallahassee, FL

5. "The voices are saying they don't like you"
Regan W., Auburn, MI

4. "Hi, I'm Tony...but on weekends I'm Tonya"
Chris B., Calgary, Alberta

3. "Doesn't Jim McGreavy have a great ass?"
Bill F., Ashland

2. "What's the second bed for?"
Eric U., Highwood, IL

1. "Hold me"
Trevor M., Kennewick, WA
 
TOP TEN SIGNS OSAMA BIN LADEN ISN'T REALLY DEAD

10--He's appearing in Atlantic City this weekend with Tony Danza :lol:

9--He's been updating his MySpace page all week :rolleyes:

8--Called Mike and the Mad Dog this afternoon to complain about the Giants :D

7--He's captain of the Muslim team on the all new "Survivor" :lol:

6--New issue of "People" has photos of him canoodling with Nicole Ritchie :p

5--Empty case of Yoo-Hoo was recently discovered in lawless border of Afghanistan :mad:

4--Spotted at Al-Qaeda's annual "Lunnatic Father-Son Cookout" :devil:

3--During Fashion Week, he unveiled his fall line of turbans :lol:

2--Why do you think Whitney and Bobby split? :(

1--New tape featuring Osama declaring Jihad on tainted spinach :D
 
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