DAVES TOP TEN

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Thank you darx2mint4


Top Ten Signs The Supreme Court Needs A Vacation

10. Most of their rulings taken word-for-word from that day's "Judge Judy."

9. Court's last opinion was written on back of Club Med brochure.

8. Justices frequently announce, "My verdict is tails...I mean, guilty."

7. Overwhelmingly repealed the "one person per robe" rule.

6. Rehnquist has been "pounding the gavel" four, maybe five times a day.

5. Most days court consists of three justices and six magic 8 balls.

4. Just held tribal council and voted out Justice Anthony Kennedy.

3. Last couple of cases each day are decided by the cleaning crew.

2. Only thing they're arguing lately is margaritas vs. daiquiris.

1. Oath witnesses must take: "Do you swear blah blah blah?"
 
HAPPY BIRTHDAY NEEDMORECSI my little TOP TEN cohort ;)have a great day- VIRGO- ;) great people, my mom was a Virgo- the nicest person ever on this earth ;)have fun :lol: CHEERS



TOP TEN TIGER WOODS PET PEEVES

10--PGA's pointless isistence I complete all 8 holes before they fork over the cash :eek:

9--Have to hire three maids fr the trophy-polishing alone :lol:

8--Only "groupies" are doughy 60-year old men :confused:

7--Always feel like a dork standing in the bank line with a 6-fooet check :D

6--You show a woman your long iron and she says, "Nice putter" :p

5--Satan calls at all hours of the night to remind you of the agreement you have :devil:

4--When buying personalized license plate at Disneyland, closet you can get is "Timmy" :rolleyes:

3--You play the best game of you life and it's on CBS :confused:

2--A a press conference, your not allowed to admit, "I kicked everyone's ass because I'm so much, much better than they are" :cool:

1--How would you like to spend all weekend watching golf? :(
 
TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR ATTRACTIONS AT THE BASEBALL HALL OF FAME

10--Animatonic Albert Belle that grabs himself :eek:

9--The hall of pitchers who threw like little girls :lol:

8--Diorama of insect paets found in staduim hot dogs :mad:

7--Babe Ruth's partially eaten baseball glove :(

6--Bus ticket to Columbus autographed by Hideki Irabu :confused:

5--Wishing well filled with Steve Howe urine samples :eek:

4--Titanium dugout bench built for Cecil Fielder :confused:

3--1968 photo showing how Gaylord Perry got his nickname :lol:

2--The Louisville Slugger that Kathie Lee used on Frank :rolleyes:

1--Tobbacco spit flume ride :eek:
 
TOP TEN THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR FROM YOUR NEW TEACHER

10--Hi, my name is Mr. Parker-but if anyone else ask's I'm Mr Johnson :eek:

9--Sorry, I'm late---some bullies threw me into a locker

8--Anybody need lottery tickes or cigarettes? :rolleyes:

7--My systems simple---I assign by height :confused:

6--I will learn your names when I sober up :cool:

5--Science, scientology, what's the difference? :devil:

4--Today you'll be dissecting the person sitting next to you :eek:

3--Daddy is sleeping--wake me up a 4 :lol:

2--I'm gonna learn you all kinds of smart things :rolleyes:

1--Show of hands---who has a single, slutty mom? :p
:mad:
 
desertwind said:
TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR ATTRACTIONS AT THE BASEBALL HALL OF FAME

10--Animatonic Albert Belle that grabs himself :eek:

9--The hall of pitchers who threw like little girls :lol:

8--Diorama of insect paets found in staduim hot dogs :mad:

7--Babe Ruth's partially eaten baseball glove :(

6--Bus ticket to Columbus autographed by Hideki Irabu :confused:

5--Wishing well filled with Steve Howe urine samples :eek:

4--Titanium dugout bench built for Cecil Fielder :confused:

3--1968 photo showing how Gaylord Perry got his nickname :lol:

2--The Louisville Slugger that Kathie Lee used on Frank :rolleyes:

1--Tobbacco spit flume ride :eek:
Click to expand...

Wow, this one was from a long time ago. To help explain on the ones you don't get, Cecil Fielder was a rather heavy-set first baseman, hence the "titanium dugout bench" joke (I won't make fun of him because he was a huge part in the Yankees' 1996 World Series team, figuratively speaking). Hideki Irabu was a highly touted pitcher in Japan, and came to the Yankees and was pretty much a huge bust (both literally and figuratively speaking). Columbus is the Triple-A affiliate of the Yankees, where they probably sent Irabu after failing with the big team.

Oh, and did anyone see the top ten list of CNN anchor Kyra Phillips excuses, where she was making light of the incident on which her microphone was kept on while she was going to the bathroom during a President Bush speech? Here is that list:

(from CBS.com)

Top Ten Kyra Phillips Excuses Presented by CNN Anchor Kyra Phillips


10. "Still haven't mastered complicated On/Off switch"

9. "Larry King told me he does this all the time"

8. "How was I supposed to know we had a reporter embedded in the bathroom?"

7. "I honestly never knew this sort of thing was frowned upon"

6. "Couldn't resist chance to win $10,000 on 'America's Funniest Home Videos' "

5. "I was set up by those bastards at Fox News"

4. "Oh like you've never gone to the bathroom and had it broadcast on national television"

3. "I just wanted that hunky Lou Dobbs to notice me"

2. "Okay, so I was drunk and couldn't think straight"

1. "You have to admit, it made the speech a lot more interesting"
 
Top Ten Signs You Had a Bad Summer

10. You divide the summer into two parts: pre and post weed-whacker incident

9. Awesome summer job at Nike turned out to be lacing shoes from 5AM to 11PM

8. You said, "Bora Bora" but travel agent heard, "Tora Bora"

7. Barry Manilow kicked your ass at the Emmys

6. You started dating Paris Hilton after she gave up sex

5. Had to listen to David Hasselhoff deciding whether or not you had talent

4. You went in for a spray tan and walked out looking like Kenny Rogers

3. Always remember it as "the summer I got busted on 'Dateline'"

2. Only action you got at the beach was a jellyfish stinging your nuts

1. Your name is Mel Gibson


Top Ten Extras:

Weren't able to take your usual 5-week vacation at your ranch in Crawford, Texas

Your vacation was in Key West, Pakistan

Job involves saying words, "Mr. Gibson has no comment at this time"

You had the LATE SHOW in your Emmy betting pool
 
Top Ten Signs You Have A Bad Job

10. Your annual review is held every three years
Ron B., Broken Arrow, OK

9. "Casual Friday" means the boss doesn't wear pants
Adam R., Memphis, TN

8. You know the guys who shovel out the pig stalls? You bring them coffee
Matt B., West, Hartford

7. The closest thing you've had to a promotion was when they raised the minimum wage
Andy K., Albany, NY

6. Your job: Major League Baseball Manager. Your team: The Tampa Bay Devil Rays.
Kris A., Bartonville, IL

5. You've read through 100 zillion Top Ten entries and still haven't found 10 funny ones
Paul C., Saskatoon

4. Your job: Image Consultant. Your client: Osama Bin Laden.
Alan C., Cincinnati, OH

3. "Healthcare plan" is nothing but tapes of the Dr. Phil show
David S., Berkeley, CA

2. Everybody's making fun of the facelift you gave Kenny Rogers
Michael B., Long, Prairie

1. You're Mel Gibson's personal assistant and you're Jewish
Michael S., New York, NY
 
Yes, these were from a long time ago- and thank's for the explantions- shows how much I know about baseball-- :(

[/b]TOP TEN WAYS COLUMBUS' CREW PASSED TIME ON THEIR TWO-MONTH VOYAGE[/b]

10--Testing equipment to make sure it was Y1.5K compliant

9--Complaining about how they don't get Columbus Day off

8--Prenending to enjoy Columbus' weird ego "Chris Gaines"

7--Polishing the telescope

6--Pumping the bilge

5--Placing all hands on deck

4--Buffing the scrimshaw

3--Oiling the thruster

2--Shaking hands with the first mate

1--Baiting the mast
 
Top Ten Signs Your Car Should Be Recalled


10. "Leaks brake fluid, transmission fluid and blood"

9. "It can only make left turns"

8. "Ambulances follow you around"

7. "It was rated a "Best Buy" by "Faulty Wiring Magazine""

6. "It has the same battery as your watch"

5. "Heater control is marked "Low," "High" and "Sars""

4. "Page 74 of the owners' manual advises: "Car is for display purposes only""

3. "Blue book value: $38.75"

2. "Seatbelts are made of delicious Taffy"

1. "Dealer promised engine would last as long as your marriage to Britney Spears"
 
TOP TEN THINGS NEVER BEFORE SAID BY A HOOTERS GIRL

10--You're not nearly as obnoxious enough sir- can I bring you another pticher of beer? :lol:

9--If my outfit makes you uncomfortable, I could put on a robe :rolleyes:

8--I'll hurry these order so you'll ve out in time for the symphony :lol:

7--I hope to still be working here in forty years :(

6--My healthy glow comes from standing too close to the "Fry-O-Matic"

5--No sir, plase that tip is way too big :D

4--Hey, gramdma, guess where I'm working? :mad:

3--He's not as strange looking as he is on TV :confused:

2--Wow- Arnold Schwarzenegger is a perfect gentleman :p

1--Can't I just find a man who'll appreciate me for my enormous breasts? :eek:
 
Top Ten Signs The Government Is Spying On You


10. Post office wall has several photos of you sleeping

9. Your houseplant occasionally sneezes

8. Domino's keeps delivering to unmarked van parked across the street

7. Birthday card from your mom has several words blacked out

6. You get nominated for "Outstanding Lead Performance in an NSA Surveillance Video"

5. Your dishwasher functions are "Wash," "Rinse" and "Record"

4. Local news only reporting things that happen in your living room

3. Every time you say goodbye on the phone, you hear a strange voice say, "Roger that, Chico"

2. You googled a recipe for humus and the FBI raided your house

1. Suddenly discover there's an antenna bolted to your ass
 
TOP TEN SGNS YOUR NEIGHBOR HAS A PET LION

10--Says the roaring you hear is just his new badass ringtone :lol:

9--Took out a second mortgage to keep up with his raw meat bills :eek:

8--In recycle bin, bundles of "Amateur Zookeeper" magazine :lol:

7--His kids science fair project always involve gnawed gazelle skeltons :mad:

6--Says the deep gashes in his face are from shaving with the new Schick Quattro

5--Always coming back from Price Club with hugh bag of "Lion Chow" :p

4--Only family in town that bought State Farm's mauling insurance :eek:

3--Domino's always delevering large pizza with antelope topping :p

2--Neighborhood poodles disapearing at an alarming rate :(

1--First # on his speed dial 'Siegfried"
 
Top Ten Signs Your Neighbor Is A Cannibal

10. You see repairmen go in, but you never really see them come out

9. Your name: Lou Levy; recipe on his refrigerator: "Lou Levy Almandine"

8. Lives alone, yet at his garage sale, had men's and women's shoes in most sizes

7. Asks if sailors count as seafood

6. Sues Denny's for false advertising over its so-called "Lumberjack Breakfast"

5. Calls his hot tub "the slow cooker"

4. At Halloween, he always has extremely realistic skeletons on the porch

3. You ask for a beer, he replies, "They're in the fridge next to Steve"

2. Says, "I'm in the mood for a Mexican...I mean Mexican"

1. The "pork shoulder" he serves you is wearing a wristwatch
 
Top Ten Bad Things About Being Named Martha Stewart presented by Martha Stewart from Montclair, New Jersey

10. Everybody expects you to be able to make crazy stuff out of pine cones.

9. When people ask for your favorite stuffing recipe, they get mad when you hand them a box of Stove Top.

8. If someone says, "It;s a good thing" to me one more time I'm gonna break his leg.

7. Every day at my house it's subpoenas, subpoenas, subpoenas.

6. Seeing my name plastered over all that cheap K-mart junk.

5. Everybody thinks you should smell like lilac.

4. I once got a $12,000 bill for tarragon.

3. People keep asking me if I've shivved my first snitch yet.

2. When it comes to making oatmeal raisin cookies, the bar is set pretty high.

1. The drunken 4 am calls from Letterman
 
TOP TEN THINGS THAT WILL GET YOU KICKED OUT OF THE COUNTRY MUSIC AWARDS

10--Wearing a belt buckle smaller than a toaster ;)

9--Failing to use the word "dagnabbit" in your acceptance speech :lol:

8--Saying words 'And now a song written by David Lettermna" :eek:

7--Not knowing when to hold em' when to fold em' when to walk away-or when to run :D

6--Getting caught with your Travis in someone's Tritt :confused:

5--Converting to metric, referring to your ten gallon hat as 37.9 liters :rolleyes:

4--Spitoon-hogging :mad:

3--Repeatdly prouncing 'Honky-tonk" as "donkey kong" :cool:

2--Taking a "grand ole leak" in the punch bowl
:(

1--Misspelling CMA :eek:
 
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