DAVES TOP TEN

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TOP TEN REJECTED SLOGANS FOR THE ROLLING STONES TOUR

10--Honky-Tonk Women and Grumpy Old Men :lol:

9--We Live Through the Concert or Your Money back :devil:

8--This is what In-Sync will look like in the year 2097 :mad:

7--Hurry Before Keith Lapses Into A Coma :D.

6--Half Price Off Your Ticket if You're Mick Jagger's Illegitimate Child :rolleyes:

5--And You Thought Aerosmith Was Old :confused:

4--Hearts Full of Song and Teeth in a Glass :eek:

3--It's Like Metamucil For Your Ears :(


2--Where Else Can You See Bob Dole in a Mosh Pit? :rolleyes:

1--Under 45 Not Admitted Without A Parent :lol:
 
Top Ten Signs Osama Bin Laden Is In Love With You

10. He carved your initials in an infidel

9. Always gets the camel washed and waxed before he picks you up

8. Never forgets to release an Al-Jazeera video on your birthday

7. You say you enjoy Barry Manilow -- next day he sends you Barry Manilow's ear

6. Orders 1 goat milk, 2 straws

5. Says only thing hotter than your body is his scorching hatred for the Zionists

4. Get a romantic greeting card that reads, "You jihad me at 'Hello'"

3. He lets you call him "Ossie"

2. New intelligence reports put his whereabouts at Zales

1. He says every time he thinks of you, there's an uprising in his pants
 
TOP TEN COMMON RESPONSES TO THE QUESTION "WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE"?

10--I do ;)

9--You bet your sweet ass I do :eek:

8--Sweet screamin' monkeys that's a stupid question :devil:

7--No thanks, I think I'll just keep working here at Radio Shack :lol:


6--What part of Regis would I have to touch :mad:

5--No me- I'm Bill Gates and that would be a colossal step backwards :(

4--Who do I have to kill? :D

3--Only if I can get it in nickels :rolleyes:

2--Since I'm the Dalai Lama, I am not interested in worldy riches---ah, screw it, where's the cash :lol:

1--Howe many crappy magazines do I have to subscribe to? :lol:
 
Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teen Is In Trouble


10. Sometimes stays in bed til after 6am.

9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.

8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.

7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou suck!"

6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."

5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap."

4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.

3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening."

2. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of cottage cheese."

1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.
 
TOP TEN WAYS TO MAKE YOUR BARBECUE MORE EXCITING

10--Get female friends to make circle around hibachi and put out flames "the old fashioned way" :confused:

9--Hot briquette-dads shorts-= dancing dad :lol:

8--Hire ventriloquist to make hamburgers scream in pain when people bite into them :eek:

7--Have it in the median on I-95 :rolleyes:

6--Everyone gets naked and goes crazy with tongs :devil:

5--Hide the mustard, and later when you fnd it- you'll be the hero :eek:

4--Wear an apron that reads "Don't kiss the cook, because he has a hugh cold sore :mad:

3--Ribs :p

2--Have George Michael make the barbecue sauce :p

1--Cole slaw made out of real coal :eek:
:D
 
Top Ten Features of the New Boeing 777

10. Special emergency exit for fat guys

9. Instead of oxygen masks, bags of candy drop down.

8. Just for fun, every seat is numbered "16-D."

7. To make travel more exciting: an unfasten pants sign

6. Extra padding on the seat for American tourists returning from Singapore

5. If on-board slot machine shows 7-7-7, you get extra biscuits with dinner.

4. Flapping wings and a big quacking duck beak

3. Video cameras so passengers can prove they've joined Mile High Club

2. Every 10 minutes, cabin fills with nitrous oxide.

1. Seats twice as many as Madonna's bedroom
 
TOP TEN QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF BEFORE BUYING PARIS HILTON'S BED

10--Does it come with Penicilin? :eek:

9--Will it make my wife more whorey? :devil:

8--Is it made out of super strong polymers developed by NASA? :rolleyes:

7--Is this "please take a number" included? :lol:

6--Which famous sluts bed does Consumer Reports recommened buying? :)

5--Does sleeping on this bed entitle me to bcome a Greek shipping heir? :confused:

4--Can it comfortably sleep 5? :p

3--Do I need the undercoating? :confused:

2--Can I just pay her to sleep in my bed? :p

1--Why is Regis's name carved in the headboard? :D
 
Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Buying Paris Hilton's Bed

What's the opposite of "gently used?"

Will Hillary get mad if I buy it?

Can it comfortably sleep myself and my inflatable girlfriend?

Where is the nearest delousing station?
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Top Ten Alan Greenspan Euphemisms For Sex

10. "Depleting The Federal Reserve"

9. "Acquiring Some Assets"

8. "A Mid-Afternoon Rally"

7. "Opening An Account With Fannie Mae"

6. "Improving Your Long-Term Growth"

5. "Doing A Little Business On The Floor"

4. "Getting Yourself In The Red"

3. "Lump-Sum Distribution"

2. "Liquefying Your Holdings"

1. "Merging With Pfizer"
 
TOP TEN MEXICAN NICKNAMES FOR GEORGE W. BUSH

10--Guacmoron

9--Loco en el coco

8--El Otro White Meat



7--Tex- Mess

6--Bandito de la Eleccion

5--El Dorque

4--Los Er

3--No Habla Ingles

2--Adios in 2009

1--Senorita Cheney
 
Top Ten Dumb Guy New Year's Resolutions


10. Eat more paint.

9. Remove glass from TV screen, crawl through into "Baywatch."

8. Start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store.

7. Check on Eggos buried in backyard; see if "waffle tree" has grown yet.

6. I's gonna build me a spaceship!

5. Lose every pound of weight.

4. Remember to brush teeth with bristly end of toothbrush.

3. Don't eat medicine just because it looks like candy.

2. Oh who am I kidding, if it looks like candy -- it's candy.

1. Learn what the hell "resolution" means.
 
TOP TEN SIGNS YOR BASEBALL TEAM IS ON DRUGS

10--Your first baseman demanded a trade to the Devil Rays :eek:

9--That ain't ivy growing on the outfield wall :lol:

8--They ask organist to play alot of Pink Floyd :cool:

7--During meetings on the mound, pitcher and catcher exchange money :(

6--Keep asknig if ther are any roadtrips to Columbia :eek:

5--Half of them are wearng football helmets :confused:

4--Keep using bullpen phone to order Domino's :p

3--Stare in wonder at David Wells mutter "Duuuuuude" :D

2--Rumor has it if the ball boy is wearing a wire :mad:

1--You swear you saw two half-naked guys attack a first base coach :lol:
 
Tom Cruise's Top Ten Reasons Why We Haven't Seen Suri Cruise

10. If your name was Suri, would you want to go out in public?
Colby B., Carrollton, TX

9. The bidding for the photos on eBay won't end till Thursday
Dale N., Clinton

8. Wouldn't want to do anything to attract publicity
Jeffrey S., New Orleans, LA

7. She's looking for a job since daddy got fired
Daniel H., Johnson City, TN

6. Although she's already quite lifelike, the project engineers want to fine tune a few things
Laury C., Schaumburg, IL

5. Hasn't yet found the right balcony to dangle her over
Wayne C., Arlington, TX

4. "The waiting makes it, like, so much more intense, man!"
Luke B., Fargo, ND

3. You want Suri Cruise? You can't handle Suri Cruise!!!
Wes C., Athens, GA

2. She was eaten by Kirstie Alley during a moment of weakness
Greg H., Ellicott City, MD

1. The placenta thing? Well, it went horribly wrong
Ken T., Renovo, PA
 
TOP TEN WAYS TO MAKE GOING BACK TO SCHOOL MORE FUN

10--Good bye 3-ring binders-hello 4-ring binders :eek:

9--Learn how to throw your voice and make quiet dirty talk :devil:

8--Shower after every class, not just gym :rolleyes:

7--Remind yourself that your yearly allowance is only a few bucks less than your teachers salary :D

6--Dissect a frog in history class :eek:

5--Ride on top of the school bus :lol:

4--With luck, phys-ed teacher could be a striking major Baseball Player :confused:

3--Unionize your shop-class :cool:

2--For show and tell- tell about the rabid racoon that bit you :(

1--Be like Dave-join the glee club ;)
 
Top Ten Names for O.J.'s New Restaurant


10. The International House of Alibis

9. Planet Brentwood

8. Jacknife in the Box

7. Absolutely, 100% Tasty

6. Ribs `n Fibs

5. Unjust Desserts

4. Kill-Your-Own-Burger

3. Wacko Bell

2. If It Doesn't Fit, You Must Eat It

1. The Lucky Bastard
 
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