DAVES TOP TEN

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I just found these extras from a previous list.

Top Ten Dumb Guy Ideas For Lowering Gas Prices

Conserve fuel by lowering speed limit to 4 miles per hour


Pay for gas with Canadian dollars


Squint your eyes so the 3 looks like a 2
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Top Ten Things Overheard on Clinton's Duck-Hunting Trip


10. Will that wounded duck be eligible for your health care plan?

9. Boy, this is fun! You know, it really ought to be easier for people to get guns.

8. Hi there, little feller! Quack for Uncle Bubba.

7. It would be a shame if we accidentally downed a couple of big-mouthed state troopers.

6. You look great in that negligee. By the way, Hillary thinks I'm duck-hunting.

5. Mr. President, Domino's says they can't deliver to a duck blind.

4. Trust me, Roger. It'll be funny. Just put on the duck hat and run around in the weeds.

3. When you're shooting, just think of them as Ross Perot.

2. Let's shoot Gore in the ass and see if he flinches.

1. Get me some coffee, Dukakis!
 
Top Ten Dumb Guy Ways To Conserve Energy


10. Quit drinkin' gas

9. Keep your television on a low setting, no higher than channel 5

8. Recycle Top Ten List entries

7. Recycle Top Ten List entries

6. Host late-night talk show that causes millions of Americans to turn off their television sets

5. Crap, that's a hard question... is wrestling on?

4. Instead of motor oil, lubricate your car's engine with Oil of Olay

3. Turn off the lights at Shea Stadium -- would it really matter?

2. Say goodbye to your electric razor -- get yourself some Epil-Stop & Spray

1. Become President -- ignore the problem completely
 
TOP TEN REASONS THE NATIONAL CRIME RATE IS DOWN

10--Dozens of boxes of crime reports were stolen :eek:

9--Thank's to NAFTA, much of America's crime is now committed in Mexico :mad:

8--Go on a shooting rampage and miss an all new episode fo the re-runs of "Sex & The City" :confused:

7--Why steal a DVD player from Circuit City when their prices are so low. they're pratically giving them away :lol:

6--O.J's verdict taught the world that when you commit a crime-it cuts into golf :(

5--I don't know--something to do with Mars :rolleyes:

4--Crooks know they'll never get caught-like Osama :eek:

3--Most of the good stuff is already been stolen :eek:

2--Winona hasn't gone shopping for her summer wardrobe yet :devil:

1--All the losers and deadbeats are in California trying to get into politics :D
 
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR WATCHING A CHEAP HORROR MOVIE

10--To save electricity, the killer makes chain-saw noises with his mouth :rolleyes:

9--Mangled corpse in background keeps sneezing :lol:

8--Filmed in Pamldale :confused:

7--On side of monster you can read the word 'Hasbro" :D

6--To save money on fake blood they use ketchup :mad:

5--Monster looks suspiciously like a cardboard cut out of Elvira :rolleyes:

4--It's re-dubbed Dutch Gov. bicycle safety film :lol:

3--Same actor plays all 27 characters-directed the film and sold you the popcorn :D

2--Scene of the witch are just old fil footage of Hillary :(

1--Sign on front of theater "Please tip the serial killer" :D
 
Top Ten Canadian Euphemisms For Sex


10. Playing mountie

9. Fur trapping

8. Making Peg whinny

7. Entering parliament

6. Pulling the goalie

5. Doin' it, eh?

4. Putting the "man" in Manitoba

3. High sticking

2. Stuffing a beaver -- the beaver is our national animal

1. Oh, Oh, Oh Canada
 
Top Ten Signs You Got a Bad Flu Shot


10. Feet swell up, ears catch on fire, nose explodes

9. In the so-called "serum," you recognize a couple of Cheerios.

8. When you walk into a room, people say, "Hey, it's Shelley Winters!"

7. Two weeks after getting the shot, you die of the flu.

6. The next day you find yourself on stage, rubbing yourself with the Puerto Rican flag.

5. It looks like chafing ... it feels like chafing ... but it isn't chafing.

4. You got the shot from a street vendor.

3. You immediately fall asleep, and when you awake it's 2025 and your mission is to track down Wesley Snipes.

2. Your skin darkens, and you start saying awful things about Whoopi.

1. Hives the size of melons
 
needmorecsi said:
Top Ten Signs You Got a Bad Flu Shot



9. In the so-called "serum," you recognize a couple of Cheerios.


7. Two weeks after getting the shot, you die of the flu.

6. The next day you find yourself on stage, rubbing yourself with the Puerto Rican flag.



3. You immediately fall asleep, and when you awake it's 2025 and your mission is to track down Wesley Snipes.

2. Your skin darkens, and you start saying awful things about Whoopi.

1. Hives the size of melons
Click to expand...



:D :D :D :D


TOP TEN COOL THINGS ABOUT HAVING A BODYBUILDER AS GOVERNOR

10--Every California classroom will have a Soloflex :confused:

9--The Mr. Olympia contest now gets full coverage on C-SPAN :eek:

8--Was it not Thomas jefferson who said we were all entitled to Life-Libery and the pursuit oa a sweet-ass set of delts?

7--He'll take that 8-billion-dollar deficit and....uh....punch it :eek:

6--I'm on the short list for Lieutenant Governor :mad:

5--Will put an end to America's dependence on protein shakes :rolleyes:

4--He'll veto bills by doing this (flexes) :cool:

3--He is nice ;)

2--It's very entertaining...as long as he's not governor of YOUR state :eek:

1--He'll have something to fall back on when he gets recalled :D
 
Top Ten Ways Saddam Hussein Celebrated The Anniversary Of His Capture


10. Had a heartwarming reunion with the guy who deloused him.

9. Put his name in for that homeland security opening.

8. Ordered one of Carvel's delicious fudgy the goat cakes.

7. Rehearsed for his role as Fezziwig in prison production of "A Christmas Carol."

6. Same as every Monday: "CSI: Miami" and frozen pizza bagels.

5. Pampered his beard with VO5 Hot Oil Treatment.

4. Asked guards if he could stay up late to catch Ashanti on Letterman.

3. Counted his blessings that he ain't Bernard Kerik.

2. Waited 13 hours for visit from Uday and Qusay.

1. Compared notes with Martha on life in the joint.
 
needmorecsi all hysterical :D

TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD AT THE LETTERMAN FAMILY BARBECUE

10--How do you get Labor Day off? you only work on hour a day :lol:

9--So, are you still doing the Big Ten List? :eek:

8--Well, it's no worse than his last hairpiece :confused:

7--I wonder if were going to be on "Cops" again this year? :D

6--I'm more of a Leno man myself :eek:

5--What kind of idiot needs cue cards at a barbecue? :mad:

4--It's awfully smoky- maybe we should move the grill outside :lol:

3--Who brought the pastries? :devil:

2--I wish we were related to Oprah :rolleyes:

1--I have no son :D
 
Top Ten Signs The President Is Trying To Kill You


10. He goes on TV to assure the nation that he's not trying to kill you

9. You get a card from Saddam reading "Glad I'm not you"

8. You turn on CNN and see your house in green night-vision

7. You wake up next to the head of Donna Shalala

6. You overhear him arguing with lawyers over legal definition of the word "strangle"

5. Keeps promising to "introduce you to Vince Foster"

4. He asks U.N. to pass resolution authorizing use of force against you

3. Now under construction in Arlington Cemetary: "The Tomb of The Unknown Guy The President's Going To Kill"

2. "Someone" throws a Big Mac stuffed with a brick through your window

1. Two words: exploding cigars
 
TOP TEN NEW PRESIDENT BUSH STRADEGIES FOR VICTORY IN IRAQ

10--Make an even bigger "Mission Accomplished" sign :devil:

9--Set up an Iraqi time for them to settle their feud on Oprah :rolleyes:

8--Put that go-getter Michael Brown in charge :(

7--Launch slogan-it's not Iraq- it's Weraq :eek:

6--Do whatever it takes to catch Osama :confused:

5--A little vacation at the the ranch :rolleyes:

4--Pack on a quick 50 lbs. and trade places with Jeb :D

3--What? things aren't going well? :mad:

2--Boost morale by doing the "Locked door routine" :lol:

1--Place Saddam back in charge- and go it's your problem "dude" :devil:
 
Top Ten Most Returned Gift Items

10. The Wonderbra for Dads

9. Exercise videotape: "Anna Nicole Smith's Sweatin' With The Oldies"

8. Super-Duper Eye Gouger from Kenner

7. Anything monogrammed with the letters "CBS"

6. Pancake syrup from Ebola Farms

5. Turtleneck sweater made from Ed Asner's back hair

4. Gift tin of Unpopped-Kernels-Found-In-Orville-Redenbacher

3. The Late Show Book Of Lists (sorry, that's the least returned gift, selling for $16 at

2. O.J. Simpson cutlery set

1. Giant Cow-Ass Jeans from Jordache
 
TOP TEN SIGNS A LITTLE LEAGUER IS TOO OLD

10--His drug tests come up positive for Centrum Silver :lol:

9--After the game-the team orders 18 Slurpees and one Margarita :p

8--Has to miss one wekend a month because of his National Guard duty :eek:

7--Possible cuts in Social Security have left him too depressed to pitch :(

6--Teammates put teeth under pillow--he puts his teeth in a glass of water :mad:

5--Artificial turf made by same company as his artificial hip :eek:

4--His positions--shortstop and team bus driver :lol:

3--He actually saw the Red Sox win a World Series :D

2--His first baseball memory--chasin' hookers with Babe Ruth :p

1--He's the only Little Leaguer going through a lengthy, bitter divorce :(
 
TOP TEN THINGS YOU DO'T WANT TO HEAR IN A SUPERMARKET

10--My Uncle ate that crap once-two weeks later he was dead :eek:

9--Wanna feel me and see if I'm ripe? :rolleyes:

8--Did I ever tell you about the time I nailed Sara Lee? :p

7--I can give you a good deal on some bald eagle meat :mad:

6--Wanna see the Paris Hilton tape of her feeling the melons-in the back room? :p

5--This'll be perfect to hide that hitchhiler I killed :eek:

4--If I count more than 10 items, so help me, I'll beat you with this French bread :eek:

3--Security-it's Winona!!! :(

2--Does tis taste funny? :confused:

1--Clean-up-aisle 4!!! :lol:
 
Top Ten Signs There's Something Terribly Wrong At McDonald's


10. Your order Filet-o-Fish and the cashier makes the sign of the cross

9. Lowest-priced item on the Dollar Menu is 80 bucks

8. Employees are warming buns in their pants

7. Iraq helped them prepare their 12,000-page nutritional information report

6. Everything is "McXpired"

5. One of your "French fries" is wearing a wedding ring

4. Hans Blix is snooping around the back with a Geiger counter

3. Seconds after you order the McNuggets, you hear frantic squawking from the kitchen

2. A new hamburger is introduced called "The McWidowmaker with Cheese"

1. Happy Meal toy: cigarettes
 
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