DAVES TOP TEN

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January 26, 1999

Top Ten Questions Submitted By The Republicans


10. In 10,000 words or less, what is your definition of sex?

9. Seinfeld retired...Michael Jordan retired...can't you take a hint?

8. Is there any way you could get N'Sync deported?

7. What's it like to kiss a girl?

6. If Air Force One is traveling 3,800 miles from Washington to Paris at a speed of 600 mph, how long will it take before you hit on a flight attendant?

5. How the hell did the Falcons make the Super Bowl?

4. You really couldn't do any better than Monica?

3. Do you deny denying your earlier denial about denying lying under oath?

2. So--are you done ruining the whole damn country yet?

1. How the hell did you get elected?
 
TOP TEN SIGNS YOURE WATCHING A BAD PIRATE MOVIE

10--Stars Johnny Depp's half-brother Kenny Depp :lol:

9--Most of the action takes place at a Long John Silver's in Harrisburg :eek:

8--It's only two hours of Blackbeard and Redbeard checking each other for ticks :(

7--Only piracy is the illegal distribution of Boz Scaggs concert bootlegs :eek:-- OMG Boz Scaggs- goes way back

6--The lead pirate's catchphrase--"ARRRRRT Garfunkel!!" :D

5--The only pillaging is the six dollars at the snack bar for popcorn- am I right ladies and gentlemen :devil:

4--The parrot keeps saying- "This movie sucks" :eek:

3--Pirates stumble around because they wear two eyepatches :cool:

2--In climax, ship gets blown out of water by defective North Korean missile :eek:

1--Hero is incapacitated after getting his swash caught in his buckle :lol: :D
 
Top Ten Signs Your Dog Is Trying To Kill You


10. 'Accidentally' leaves slippery chew toy at top of cellar stairs.

9. You see him whittling a knife out of a Snausage.

8. He's reading the Stephen King novel 'Cujo.'

7. Forges your will so that when you die, he gets 400,000 dog biscuits.

6. Leaves photo of you and girlfriend where your wife can't miss it.

5. Recently purchased subscription to 'Soldier of Fortune For Puppies.'

4. You catch him gnawing on your car's brake line.

3. Repainted the sign on your mailbox to read: Rushdie.

2. Whenever you're in the bath, he decides to fetch the radio.

1. When you try to quit smoking, he chews up your nicotine patches.
 
TOP TEN QUESTIONS RECIEVED BY THE COPPERTONE HOTLINE

10--How much longer do I have to drink this stuff before I start getting tan? :lol:

9--Can I substitute your sunblock for Pina Colada mix :p

8--Hey, my initials are SPF--isn't that nuts? :eek:

7--Can you send over someone to oil me down? :cool:

6--Do you sell moonblock? :rolleyes:

5--Hey mad dog--shouldn't Barry Bonds pack it in and go home already? :)

4--Does it work on kitties? :(

3--Is David Copperfield there? :D

2--This is Larry King--can you do my back? :confused:

1--How about phone-sex three-way-with you and me and the butterball hotline? :lol: :D
 
Top Ten Signs You're At A Lame New Year's Eve Party


10. To give it a Times Square feel, everyone is groped, fondled and pick-pocketed

9. "Party hats" look suspiciously like stolen traffic cones

8. "Ball drop" at midnight consists of a trick your Uncle Earl does when he's loaded

7. "Champagne" really apple juice mixed with Alka Seltzer

6. You notice a "Happy 1999" tag on the package of shrimp you've been eating all night

5. The host kicks everyone out at 11:58 so he can go to bed

4. The only guests are you and Richard Simmons, and guess who wants a New Year's Eve kiss?

3. The Amish can do many things well, but throwing parties ain't one of them

2. It's just you and a dozen Mullahs in a cave

1. It's held in March
 
TOP TEN ANSWERS TO THE QUESTION-"HOW HOT IS IT?"

10--It's so hott Kim jong 11 has been stockpiling Italian Ices :eek:

9-It's so hott Star Jones has been enjoying getting the cold shoulder from Barbara Walters :(

8--It's so hott-Kobe Bryant is only nailing girls who work at Dairy Queen :eek:


7--It's so hot-Regis is hosting a new show called "America's Got Heat Stroke" :lol:

6--It's so hot-President Bush told the Sun to stop doing this sh-- :devil:

5--It's so hot--the terror alert level was raised to "sweaty" :cool:

4--It's so hot--the writer passed out before he could finish this one :(

3--It's so hot--Osama Bin Laden was spotted in front of an air conditioners at P.C. Richard :eek:

2--It's so hot--Bill Clinton has been hitting on Hillary :p

1--It's so hott--Barry Bond has been injecting Slurpees in his a-- :lol:
 
Top Ten Signs You're Watching A Bad Beauty Pageant


10. It's broadcast on the Animal Planet network

9. Entrants must be over 70

8. Miss France gets ejected for violently head-butting Miss Italy

7. Instead of sash, Miss Iran is wearing an ammo vest

6. Contestants are judged in three categories: evening gown, interview, and competitive meatball-eating

5. Described as an "inner beauty" pageant

4. It's hosted by the decomposed remains of Bert Parks

3. Winner's platform: Spreading the message of Scientology

2. Contestants must have slept with Christie Brinkley's husband

1. Competitions highlighted by shootout between Miss Israel and Miss Lebanon



The Extras from this list:

One special prize goes to "Most Pronounced Overbite"

Last year Miss USA was Mr. USA

Even with a high-def TV, contestant's asses still don't fit on the screen

Not only is Donald Trump the owner, he's also the hottest one

No matter how much you drink, the contestants don't get any hotter
 
Top Ten Signs You Chose A Bad Plastic Surgeon


10. You ask about his credentials, he shows you his fishing license

9. For an extra $89.95, he'll paint your car

8. He is a graduate of Johns Goodman University

7. You can now hear through your nose

6. Some doctors leave their watch inside a patient, he once left a clock/radio

5. You're mistaken for Kim Jonh Il more than you used to

4. Your appointment is busted up by a "Dateline" news crew

3. During your exam, he gets naked and draws dotted lines all over himself

2. Twice a month, flies to Mexico for "parts"

1. Sitting in the waiting room: Kenny Rogers
 
needmorecsi said:
Top Ten Signs You Chose A Bad Plastic Surgeon



9. For an extra $89.95, he'll paint your car


7. You can now hear through your nose






1. Sitting in the waiting room: Kenny Rogers
Click to expand...



:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
 
TOP TEN CHAPTER TITLES IN GEORGE W. BUSH'S MEMOIRS

10--"101 ways I've mispelled "Condoleezza" ;)

9--"Why mom and dad voted for Kerry" :eek:

8--"The Best Memos I've Never Read" :confused:

7--"The war In Iraq, A 6-foot sandwich and other things I started but couldn't finish :(

6--"How To Lose An Election and Still become President" :mad:

5--"Good new America, only 923 more days" :rolleyes:

4--"1962-1964 The Cheerleader Years" :lol:

3--"Huh"?

2--"Bubba was right--Monica is up for anything" :p

1--"Chapter 20---or is that my approval rating :D
 
Top Ten Things That Will Get You Grounded In The Gotti Household


10. Borrowing the good car and leaving dad the one that explodes.

9. Throwing body in trunk without first putting down slipcovers.

8. Forgetting to set the VCR on "Sopranos" night.

7. Using drugs supplied by another family.

6. Last night, you said the "F" word three times, which is not nearly enough.

5. Eating at "The Olive Garden."

4. Getting fake i.d. that reads you're already "made."

3. Saying "Forget about it" instead of "Fuggadaboutit."

2. Forgetting to mow dad's chest.

1. Parents finding an FBI application under your mattress.
 
TOP TEN WAYS DISNEY IS CUTTING BACK

10--Long Flame ride at Disney World is bring-your-own-log :lol:

9--New theme park hous-9:00 am to 9:15 pm :eek:

8--Huey, Dewey and Louie sold to Chinatown restaurant :(

7--Instead of spooky high-tech ghosts, haunted mansion is filled with depressing senior citizens :confused:

6--Disneyland is now billing itself as "The 12th Happiest Place On Earth" :D

5--Gloomy Eeyore has to give up the Prozac :rolleyes:

4--New Epcot center attraction-"Bankruptcyland" :eek:

3--Space Mountain's top speed? 12 miles per hour :lol:

2--Snow White's dwarfs replace with seven illegal Mexican immigrants :mad:

1--For an extra hundred bucks-you can ride Cinderella :p
 
Top Ten Signs Your Senator Has Lost it


10. Only voting he does is on MTV's "Total Request Live"

9. Claims to be senator from the great state of Margaritaville

8. During debates, speaks only through a hand puppet made of his hairpiece

7. Instead of voting "Yay" or "Nay," often voted "Nyay"

6. Publicly fights with wife about his mistress (Sorry, that's a sign your mayor has lost it)

5. Supports "dress down Fridays" by showing up to work naked

4. Describes George W. Bush as the "greatest president in the history of the United States of America"

3. Only interested in capturing the "monkey man vote"

2. During TV interviews, says things like... (Video of Sen. Lieberman, "I'm going to raise your taxes so I can buy myself a sweet Camaro"

1. Asks the floor to recognize the "junior senator" in his pants
 
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