DAVES TOP TEN

Status
Not open for further replies.
FANTASTIC I start reading all of the ones you post and sorta of glaze over- :rolleyes: too many bogs me down-and I lose interest, wonder if others do as well- :eek: that's all---- one is sufficent for a day- your cool thank's ;)
 
TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR STRIPPER NAMES

10--Ginger-Vitis :(

9--Stripper-Gore :p

8--Mrs. Charlie Sheen :eek:

7--Stanley Cupps :lol:

6--Lois the Letterman-Look-A-Like :(

5--H. Rose Perot :mad:

4--Sue Dafed :p

3--Yogi Bare-Ass :eek:

2--Nude Gingrich :confused:

1--Tammy Lasorda :D
 
TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR MOVIE PROPS FOR SALE ON THE INTERNET :lol:

10--Hairpiece Burt Reynolds used during shooting "Stroker Ace" :lol:

9--Mummified carcass of the original "Black Stallion" :rolleyes:

8--Macaulay Culkin's empties from 'Home Alone" ;)

7--Tick removed from Dalmatian #97 :confused:

6--Anything that Austin Powers "shagged" on :p

5--Script from unmade sequel "Dial N for Noodles" :D

4--Cold sore Private Ryan got after R&R in Paris :(

3--Tarzen's unwashed loincloth :rolleyes:

2--Captain Kirk's abdominal truss :mad:

1--Ralph Macchio :lol:
 
Top Ten Signs Your Science Teacher is Nuts


10. He insists that the Earth revolves around actor Charles Durning

9. Whenever the sun comes out from behind a cloud, he yells, "Supernova!"

8. He's writing a new chemistry text book with Robert Downey, Jr.

7. Claims he can turn gravity on and off by twisting his ears

6. He spends every class screaming in an incomprehensible Scottish accent

5. Demonstrates static electricity by quickly unzipping and zipping his pants

4. His office is wallpapered with nude photos of Madame Curie

3. He prefers to mix chemicals by swishing them around in his mouth

2. For sex education, takes class on field trip to Dick Morris's house

1. Says the "c" in "E = mc2" stands for "carrot"
 
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE GOING NUTS FROM THE HEAT

10--You just hit a guy for saying "Hot enough for ya"? :devil:

9--Every time the clock and temperature sign changes-you call CNN :lol:

8--You go to dinner with Regis just to enjoy the chill :(

7--You keep introducing everyone to yor pet ice cube "Lucy" :eek:

6--In the middle of a professional boxing match-your bite someones ear off :mad:

5--You just checked into a Mexican hospital to have your blood replaced with Slurpees :D

4-You find $33,000 in your cab-and actually return it :rolleyes:

3--You attend a lame talk show just to enjoy the AC ;)

2--You've been putting popsicles places other than your mouth :eek:

1--You just agreed to become Mrs. Softee :p



it :rolleyes:i
 
Top Ten Signs You've Hired the Wrong Kid to Rake Your Leaves


10. He charges you by the leaf

9. Keeps asking where he should plug in his rake

8. Picks up leaves one at a time, dips them in nacho cheese, and eats them

7. Says, "This'll just take a minute," and starts soaking your lawn with gasoline

6. Your neighbor calls and asks, "Who's that naked guy chasing my dog with a rake?"

5. Half an hour after he starts, you notice he's sitting on your back porch

4. You recognize his work gloves from the O.J. Simpson trial

3. Comes to your door and says, "I've had a long talk with the leaves, and they've decided to stay"

2. Constantly reminding you that he used to be famous for those "Home Alone" movies

1. His motto: rake a leaf, do a shot
 
needmorecsi said:
Top Ten Signs You've Hired the Wrong Kid to Rake Your Leaves




8. Picks up leaves one at a time, dips them in nacho cheese, and eats them


6. Your neighbor calls and asks, "Who's that naked guy chasing my dog with a rake?"

5. Half an hour after he starts, you notice he's sitting on your back porch

4. You recognize his work gloves from the O.J. Simpson trial



1. His motto: rake a leaf, do a shot
Click to expand...


:D :D :lol: :lol:
 
Top Ten Signs the Person Answering the Butterball Turkey Hotline is Nuts


10. Starts out by asking, "What are you wearing?"

9. Keeps referring to product called "Vicks Vap-O-Gravy"

8. Recommends thawing the turkey in your pants

7. Wants you to look inside the turkey for contact lens he lost at the processing plant

6. When you ask, "How often should I baste it?" he says, "Are we still talking about the turkey?"

5. Tells you that when the timer pops up, you have ten seconds before the damn thing explodes

4. Insists you cook turkey at six degrees for 450 hours

3. Keeps interrupting to ask if you're planning to eat the bird or wear it as a hat

2. Claims to have sailed from New York to the Bahamas in a gravy boat

1. He tells you to go stuff yourself
 
TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR ROADSIDE ATTRACTIONS

10--The Amazing Bearded Man ;)

9--Tomb of the Unknown Baldwin :confused:


8--Last Remaining Natural Nose on Long Island :eek:

7--Ride The Wild Unbalanced Washing Maching :mad:

6--America's Most Raging Cold Sore :(

5--USFL Hall of Fame??

4--Shake hands With The Guy who Played 'Cliff" on "Cheers" :rolleyes:

3--Worlds Largeest Ball of String in Springfield, Illnois :D

2--Playgirls Hunkercise" Fantansy Ranch :p

1--The Amazing House Made Completely of Wood :confused:
 
Top Ten Things Overheard At Saddam Hussein's Court Appearance


10. If the mustache don't fit, you must acquit

9. Rather than 'murderous dictator, ' I'd prefer 'genocidal maniac'

8. Is it me or is Saddam just the most adorable thing you've ever seen?

7. He's obviously had a queer makeover

6. If you wanted a lawyer, Mr. Hussein, maybe you should've thought about that before you had them all killed

5. You think prison scares me? I lived in a damn spider-hole

4. I'll be released as soon as Kerry takes over

3. Wow, Saddam sort of looks like Robert Wagner

2. Saddam is the most evil man the world has ever known - - not counting Dick Cheney

1. That's cute - - out of habit, Courtney Love showed up
 
TOP TEN GOOD THINGS ABOUT BENG A SENIOR CITIZEN

10--The 3 M's-Mahjong-Metamucil-& Matlock :lol:

9--When you're on a Carnival Cruise and Kathie Lee starts singing- you can turn off your hearing aid :eek:

8--Instead of tipping waiters, just tell them they can have my car when I die :(

7--I'ts easy to annoy young people- step one-get in your car-step two turn of the blinkers-step three- leave on on for the next 50 miles :D

6--The early-bird specials at Hooters :p

5--You can say whatever the hell pops into your mind--WAFFLES!!!! :lol:

4--Once you hit 70 you look great in polyster :rolleyes:

3--My new bridge partner-Bob Dole :confused:

2--Social Security will be bankrupt in 50 years and guess what---we don't care :mad:

1--You're looking at a guy who's nailed all the Golden Girls!!! :D
 
Top Ten Things on Kim Jong-Il's To-Do List

10. Legally change name to L'il Kim Jong-Il to get some street cred
Donnie R., Jamestown, NC

9. Use nuclear energy to build a device to see through the briefcases on "Deal Or No Deal"
Roger V., Sacramento, CA

8. Renew subscription to Martha Stewart Living
Matt H., Marietta, GA

7. Grow tall enough to ride the roller coaster at Disneyland
Marlee O., Vancouver, BC

6. Calculate distance from North Korea to Letterman's dressing room
Dave S., Albuquerque, NM

5. Piss off rest of world, oh wait, did that. Fix loose door handle.
Keith E., Collegeville

4. Kill barber that told him "All the maniacal leaders are cutting their hair this way"
Keith D., Atlanta, GA

3. Try to launch his Taepodong into Paris Hilton
Matt C., Huntsville, AL

2. See doctor about that nagging "missile blows up before it reaches target" problem
Kurt V., Poynette, WI

1. Start digging that spider hole
Joseph L., Palos Heights, IL
 
TOP TEN SIGNS THE GUY SITTING ON THE PLANE NEXT TO YOU HAS AIR RAGE :mad:

10--The flight attendant asks him to fasten his seatbelt-he does-around her neck :eek:

9--Threatens top use your kidneys as a flotation device :(

8--It's an hour into your flight and he's alreasy eaten 12 in-flight magazines :eek:

7--Uses P.A. system to read list of passengers he hates :lol:

6--Only thing he makes sure is in an upright position is his middle finger :D

5--Tells flight attendant, "I'm fine, but the satanic urges inside me would love a shot of Tequila :p

4--Remarks people on the ground look like insects and you haven't taken off yet :rolleyes:

3--His name--Bob Knight-his only carry on item-a metal folding chair :confused:

2--Unbuckles his pants in the cabin, and yells "Prepare for a water landing" :eek:

1--Tries to store his carry-on luggage in you :eek:
 
desertwind said:
His name--Bob Knight-his only carry on item-a metal folding chair :confused:
Click to expand...

Here's information about Bobby Knight
------------------------------------------------------------

Top Ten Signs There's Trouble At The New York Times


10. Extensive coverage of recent fighting between the Israelis and the lesbians

9. Pages 2 through 20 are corrections of previous edition

8. Every sentence begins "So, like"

7. TV listings only for Zorro

6. Weather forecast reads "Look outside dumbass"

5. Multiple references to "President Gore"

4. Obituary includes list of people they wish were dead

3. Headlines fold over to create surprise mad magazine-type hidden message

2. Restaurant critic recently gave IHOP four stars

1. Reporting that Oprah isn't gay, but Letterman is
 
Thank's needmorecsi I've never heard of him-but I'm sure many have- ;)

TOP TEN COMPLAINTS OF THE AVERAGE BASEBALL PLAYER

10--Medical plan does not cover cryogenics :(.

9--It's the grueling 3-hr. week :lol:

8--Beer vendor seldom makes it to the dugout :eek:

7--Being called "out" is a crippling blow to one's self-esteem :confused:

6--A certain percentage of us have to play for the Devil Rays :D

5--Mitt hand doesn't get any sun :mad:

4--I'ts 2006 and we still have to endure the tiresome "We Will Rock You" :lol:

3--When a beach ball comes on the field, we want to keep it :rolleyes:

2--People think strike is about money, when it's actually about a boatload of money :cool:

1--I think Mike Piazza's checking me out :p
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top