DAVES TOP TEN

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TOP TEN THINGS NEVER BEFORE SUNG BY A GOSPEL CHOIR

10--What a friend we have in Regis :lol:

9--Lather-rinse-repeat (oh, baby) lather-rinse-repet :p

8--I'm really sad that Mariah Carey and Derek Jeter broke-up :(

7--I'll take potpourri for one thousand Alex :lol:

6--Superman sucked :mad:

5--Tom Cruise- stop sucking in your gut!! :confused:

4--Check out my new computer-it's got a Pentium2 processor-a 3.5 gig superdrive-active matrix monitor-600 laser printer-and a 10-speed CD-ROM :lol:

3--Restrooms are for customers only :eek:

2--Oh, my God!! they killed Kenny!! :rolleyes:

1--Dave's insane!! :devil:
 
Top Ten Ways to Irritate Bill Gates


10. Steal his "nerdboy" license plate.

9. Accuse him of sexually harassing your laser jet printer.

8. Beat his high score on Tetris.

7. Ask him if they caught the guy who did that to his hair.

6. Tell him you heard he's "microsoft."

5. Leave his Spock ears on your dashboard so they melt.

4. Let the air out of the tires on the Gatesmobile.

3. Drop hints that Oprah's richer than he is.

2. WWW him right in the dot-com.

1. Two words: dork tax.
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Top Ten Signs You've Hired a Bad Easter Bunny


10. For an Easter bunny, he sure has a lot of stories about being in prison.

9. With every hop, his bunny pants drop another inch.

8. He's in his bunny suit ready to go -- and it's October.

7. Brags that he's starring in own sitcom on the WB called "Bunny Bunny".

6. When asked why there's a hole in the bottom of his suit, he says, "Them eggs don't lay themselves."

5. He shows up wearing his Arby's uniform and asks the kids to just "play along."

4. His "tail" is just flounced up back hair.

3. He's Jewish.

2. Cuts off his own foot, gives it to you saying, "This will bring you good luck."

1. Two words: three ears.
 
TOP TEN THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR FROM AN IC CREAM VENDOR :(

10--Can you believe I found all this ice cream in a dumpster :eek:

9--I combed those sprinkles out of my hair this morning :( GROSS

8--I'm Ben and Jerry's ex-con brother Lou :lol:

7--That ice cream is made from 100% squirrel milk :p

6--Hey- if it isn't the Dairy Queen himlelf :D

5--My last customer died of one of those cold headaches :confused:

4--Doctor says I'm still highly contagious :mad:

3--There's not a single natural ingredient in this crap on a stick :eek:

2-Do you mind eating that here-- I want to see you lick that thing :(

1--By day it's an ice cream truck-by night-it's a lovemobile :D
 
Top Ten Signs You're At A Bad Mall


10. "Mall security guards won't stop tasering people"

9. "The mannequins are giving you the finger"

8. "You toss a penny in the fountain and it hits a corpse"

7. "Lenscrafters promises glasses 'In about a month'"

6. "The Sbarro sbucks"

5. "It's located in the 'bad part' of Fallujah"

4. "Saturday is 'Mexican Gang Day'"

3. "You check your coat; 10 mintues later you see it for sale at J.C. Penney"

2. "The sales person keeps offering to measure your inseam, and you're at a bookstore"

1. "The only thing half-off is Santa's pants"
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Top Ten Signs You Have A Bad Job


10. "It's a 12-hour commute each way"

9. "You know the guy who refills the ketchup bottles in the prison cafeteria? You're his assistant"

8. "You're Courtney Love's Publicist"

7. "For insurance purposes, Boss personally administers a daily physical"

6. "Sign outside your door reads, 'Jim's Office/Men's Room'"

5. "You're taken to and from work in the trunk of a car, blindfolded"

4. "Word 'throb' appears with surprising frequency in job application"

3. "You're working on Labor Day"

2. "Your name is George W. Bush (I'm Sorry, that's a sign you're doing a bad job)"

1. "You're the idiot who has to change the gas prices on the sign every 5 minutes"
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Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear At A 7-11


10. "One soda, bag of chips - - $49.99"

9. "If you're here for the Al-Qaeda meeting, it's in the back"

8. "You ever done it in a grocer's freezer?"

7. "If the slurpee tastes like feet, that's me"

6. "What, no 'Penthouse' today Romeo?"

5. "You got a minute to talk about Scientology?"

4. I'm charging you an extra buck 'cuz you're ugly"

3. "The sexual tension between us is palpable"

2. "Remember me? I'm disgraced ex-FEMA head Michael Brown"

1. "Want a footlong? I bet you do"
 
Top Ten Good Things About Being Obese

10. You get to help troubled airline industry by buying two tickets on Southwest Airlines

9. Everyone knows hottest new fashions hit plus-sized stores first

8. Your Greek wedding in guaranteed to be even bigger and fatter

7. You can gain, like, 100 pounds without anybody noticing

6. Never get called hurtful names like "string bean" or "average-weight guy"

5. Guaranteed as many appearances on "Ricki" as you want

4. Many famous movie stars are obese, such as... Hey look, a donut

3. How many people can say they're visible from space?

2. Hey, at least you're not fat (dumb obese people only)

1. Your heart does more by 9am than most people's do all day
 
Top Ten Signs Your Judge Is On Drugs

10. In middle of trial points to defendant and says, "Dude, you are so guilty."

9. Shrieks that spiders are crawling all over the gavel.

8. When an undercover policeman testifies, judge yells "Narc!"

7. The bailiff: a bearded guy in a Santana t-shirt selling rope bracelets.

6. Perks up whenever someone uses phrase "joint custody."

5. Wants to replace closing arguments with "Laser Zeppelin."

4. Every time lawyer objects, judge replies, "Quit harshing my mellow!"

3. Instead of Bible, has witness swear on copy of "Fear and Loathing In Las Vegas."

2. When bailiff says "Order in the court," judge shouts "I'll have Doritos, lots of Doritos!"

1. Always citing the landmark case of "Cheech V. Chong."
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Top Ten Tips For Living 100 Years

10. Break it up into a couple of manageable fifty-year chunks.

9. Get at least 23 hours of sleep a night.

8. Have motivational goal such as outliving that punk Hugh Downs.

7. Daily exercise such as walking to the adult book shop.

6. For the love of God, don't name your kids "Lyle" and "Erik."

5. If Chuck Knoblauch is at bat, wear a helmet.

4. Stay the hell away from the Hindenberg.

3. Keep telling yourself: "Willard Scott birthday greeting...Willard Scott birthday greeting..."

2. Forget that New Age crap -- sweat the small stuff.

1. Avoid dying.
 
needmorecsi said:
Top Ten Signs Your Judge Is On Drugs

10. In middle of trial points to defendant and says, "Dude, you are so guilty."



7. The bailiff: a bearded guy in a Santana t-shirt selling rope bracelets.


5. Wants to replace closing arguments with "Laser Zeppelin."


3. Instead of Bible, has witness swear on copy of "Fear and Loathing In Las Vegas."


1. Always citing the landmark case of "Cheech V. Chong."




:lol: :lol: :lol: good ones- funny-can you imagine :eek:
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Top Ten Signs You've Hired a Bad Lawyer


10. Begins every sentence with "Well, as Ally McBeal once said..."

9. He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla vs. Mothra.

8. Just before your trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?"

7. He thinks he'll win your case, "because there's a first time for everything"

6. He once failed to get a conviction of O. J. Simpson.

5. Whenever he says, "Your Honor" he makes thos elittle quotation marks in the air.

4. Sign in front of law office reads "Practicing Law Since 2:45"

3. Begins by telling jury, "You all look like you should be on Jerry Springer"

2. Giggles every time he hears the word "briefs"

1. His phone number: 1-600-SHYSTER
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Top Ten Other Executive Privileges


10. Access to Gerald Ford's vast underground collection of "Hustler" back issues.

9. Use of high-resolution military satellites to warn when Hillary is coming.

8. Get to call P.L.O. chairman Yasser Arafat "Yas."

7. When approaching four-way intersection, President may yell, "Yee-Haw!" and barrel through at full speed.

6. The unalienable right to lie your fat presidential ass off.

5. If the president is hungry he may commandeer a civilian's muffin.

4. Can make pilot of Air Force One buzz Kenneth Starr's house.

3. $5 discount on Fudgie the Whale cakes at participating Carvel stores.

2. Veto power on all new "Baywatch" hirings.

1. The annual NATO wife-swapping party.
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Top Ten Rejected Prom Themes


10. Farewell, Books...Hello Fry-O-Lator

9. Enchantment Under the Shop Teacher's Toupee

8. The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich

7. An Evening in a Mexican Prison

6. Let's All Vomit in the Men's Room Sinks

5. Lactose Intolerance

4. Inside Geraldo's Mustache

3. Murder at Brentwood

2. The Private World of George Michael

1. 1001 Fake I.D.'s
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Top Ten Good Things About Being A 78-Year Old Father


10. So what if he cries all night -- I can't hear a damn thing.

9. If your son also has a child at 78, you'll become the world's first 156-year-old grandfather.

8. Skeptical young women invite you to prove that you're really capable of fathering a child.

7. No need for expensive toys once baby discovers the fun tufts of hair growing out of your ears.

6. Viagra, shimagra -- Everything's in working order, Pepe.

5. You get a great feeling of togetherness sharing a dish of strained peas.

4. To you, every step is his first, because you can't remember the one before.

3. You can make a lovely crib mobile with the envelopes from your Social Security checks.

2. Three magic words for when you're sick of bouncing the baby on your knee: "Oh my hip."

1. He's going to be a great role model for his eight younger siblings.
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Top Ten Saddam Hussein Summer Fun Tips


10. Never store fireworks too close to your hidden cache of chemical weapons.

9. Ladies, turn heads at the beach with a skimpy two-piece veil.

8. When it comes to hot dogs, mustard bad, mustard gas good.

7. Your beret makes a great spur-of-the-moment frisbee.

6. When barbecuing, wear hilarious apron that reads: "Kiss the chef or you will be put to death."

5. Thursdays are always half-price at "Wacky Saddam's Family Water Park."

4. Enjoy the cooling breeze from your soldiers waving their flags of surrender.

3. Wet mustache contest!

2. Mix one part iced tea with one part lemonade, pour into large punch bowl, and use to drown your enemies.

1. Two words: camouflage speedo.
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Top Ten Founding Father Pick-up Lines


10. "I hold this truth to be self-evident -- you're a babe."

9. "I've just gone through a terrible break-up with Betsy Ross and I don't think I should be alone tonight."

8. "Some people call me the 'Fondling Father'."

7. "You know what they say about men with big signatures."

6. "My teeth aren't the only thing made of wood."

5. "If somebody ever invents the telephone, can I give you a call?"

4. "All men are not created equal, if you know what I mean."

3. "That's a great powdered wig, but it would look even better balled up on my bedroom floor."

2. Insert your own "The British-Are-Coming" joke here.

1. "Give me liberty or give me sex."
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Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teen Is In Trouble


10. Sometimes stays in bed til after 6am.

9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.

8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.

7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou suck!"

6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."

5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap."

4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.

3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening."

2. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of cottage cheese."

1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.
 
TOP TEN PROGRAMS THAT DIDN'T MAKE THE FALL TV LINEUP

10--Touched By A Mullah :devil:

9--Who Wants To Be A Dental Hygenist? :(

8--Diagonosis--Carpal Tunnel Syndrome :confused:

7--Sleeping With Regis :lol:

6--Fear Tractor

5--Weather Channel--Special Cold Fronts Unit :eek:

4--Unsloved Nursing Home Mysteries :rolleyes:

3--Wolf Lake ;)

2--The Dr. Phil Collins Show :cool:

1--8 Simple Riles for Dating Your Priest :eek:
 
you will only get this if you watch southpark and the simpsons

10 reasons to buy a gun.
10to hunt and do other recreatinal sports
9:to be apart of the nra
8:to turn on/off lights and or electronics
7:to get people to bowl at your alley
6:to be prepared incase a curnel chalenges you to a duel
5:when they unfreeze john wayne he might need a partner
4:to show your kids that if they get bullied that there mom/dads are prepared
3:if jesus gets kidnapped and you need to save him
2:in case tom cruise is in the closet
1:to be safe when the king of england comes into your house and starts pushing you around
 
csikicksurass said:
you will only get this if you watch southpark and the simpsons
Click to expand...

This thread is only for Top Ten Lists from The Late Show with David Latterman. If you want to find old lists go to the CBS website, and the lists are archived there.
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Top Ten Things Our Forefathers Would Say If They Were Alive Today

10. "To hell with Iraq, let's kick England's ass again!"
Mike M., Saint Petersburg, FL

9. "I wonder if I'm old enough to have a chance with Anna Nicole Smith?"
Dave L., Salt Lake City, UT

8. "Global warming? That sure beats these bitchin' cold New England winters"
Blaine W., Taylorsville, UT

7. "What do you mean no white stockings before Memorial Day?"
Chris W., Chandler, AZ

6. "I'd like to get my wooden teeth into that Hilton chick"
John K., Phoenix, AZ

5. "Let me get this straight, I now have to pay a toll to cross the Delaware?"
Joe T., Pennington, NJ

4. "I knew we should have let the British keep New Jersey!"
Justin F., Thousand Oaks, CA

3. "My doorstop was just appraised on 'Antiques Roadshow' for $12,000"
Al C., Cerritos, CA

2. "You mean, instead of that lengthy ratification process, we could have just said, 'deal or no deal'?"
Mike N., Arcola, IL

1. "Help! I've been buried alive!"
Stephen J., Troy
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Top Ten Signs You're In A Bad Relationship


10. You call her "sweetie" she calls you "that guy whose food I'm poisoning."

9. You share the same prison cell.

8. I'm sleeping with your wife.

7. Your husband comes home with a new dress for you and another one for himself.

6. You sleep in separate beds, in separate rooms, in separate houses, in separate states.

5. He has spent the last three-and-a-half years fleeing from cave to cave.

4. She watches "Desperate Housewives" for ideas on how to cheat.

3. Your spouse is late for your anniversary because "the gay bar didn't have a clock."

2. Her response to your marriage proposal: "I guess."

1. You married Star Jones.
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Top Ten Messages Left On Michael Jackson's Answering Machine


10. "It's Tito--congratulations. Could I borrow 50 bucks?"

9. "Barbara Walters here. I'll double any interview offer and throw in a giraffe"

8. "This is the courthouse lost and found. Can you describe the nose in question?"

7. "This is your bank--curious about the 12 checks you wrote for 'jury bribes'"

6. "This is your neighbor. Could you please send someone to get your chimp out of my pool?"

5. "Happy Father's Day from the lab where we artifically inseminated your sham wife"

4. "Change your outgoing message, dude--'Thriller' was like 20 years ago"

3. It's Martha. Disregard the letter with cell-decorating tips"

2. "Tom Cruise here. I'm calling every person in America to tell them I'm in love with Katie Holmes"

1. "Hi, it's Saddam Hussein. Now how do I get one of them idiot juries?"
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Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear At A July Fourth Barbecue


10. "Beef is great, but squirrel's so much cheaper"

9. "Take a photo of me lighting this cigar with an M-80"

8. "To give it a little 'kick,' I put charcoal starter in the punch"

7. "Oh God, Letterman's shirtless again"

6. I'd like to tell you why scientology is so important to me"

5. "Hey look, it's Earnest Borgnine--oh, sorry lady"

4. "All right, detainees, line up over here for your gitmo-style powdered baked beans"

3. "I'm afraid the only fireworks tonight are between me and your wife"

2. "My hot dog has a knuckle"

1. "I don't think that's mayonnaise in the cole slaw"
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Top Ten Things Overheard During The Michael Jackson Verdict


10. "We the jury find the defendant not guilty--oh God, did I say the wrong one?"

9. "Of course he's nervous--look how pale he is"

8. "Will Mr. Blake and Mr. Simpson please keep the laughter down?"

7. "No, I think he'll do fine in prison"

6. "I'm a celebrity in an L.A. courtroom--I like my chances"

5. "Do you think this'll be on the news tonight?"

4. "We the jury find the defendant creepy"

3. "Michael, good news--I just saved 15 percent on my car insurance by switching to Geico"

2. "Wait, have Tito, Latoya and Jermaine always been on the jury?"

1. "Another case of a white guy getting preferential treatment"
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Top Ten Signs Your Pilot Is Drunk


10. Introduces his co-pilots Johnnie Walker and Jack Daniels

9. Wings on his hat made of folded cocktail straws

8. In lieu of P.A. safety instructions, he sings "Kung Fu Fighting"

7. Long rambling announcements about what animal shapes he's seeing in the clouds

6. At security, passengers remove shoes---he removes pants

5. Giggling fit every time he says the word "cockpit"

4. Delays takeoff to de-ice his mojito

3. You experience heavy turbulence and you're only taxiing to the runway

2. Invites all passengers to a "layover" in his hotel room

1. Midflight asks, "Which one of you losers is the designated driver?"
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Top Ten Ways To Cheer Up Saddam Hussein


10. Let him oppress just one Kurd a few hours a week

9. Surprise him with a year's supply of mustache dye

8. Bring him his old "World's Greatest Dictator" mug

7. Laugh at his impression of Syrian President Bashar Al-Assad

6. Give him a collection of hilarious "Yo mullah's so fat" jokes

5. Remind him his one permitted phone call saved him 15% on his car insurance

4. Membership in the "Falafel of the Month Club"

3. Show him some of them "Hey, Vern" movies

2. Package of new underpants

1. Three words: Los Angeles jury
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Top Ten Reasons Saddam Hussein Loves Doritos


10. Three-cornered chips remind him of the Sunni Triangle

9. Chemical Ali taught him how to convert the spicy powder into a nerve agent

8. The "crunch" sounds like the breaking of a dissident's bones

7. Pringles are for Kurds

6. They are corn chips of mass deliciousness

5. Goes perfectly with a tall glass of camel milk

4. Endorsed by his favorite late night television host, Al-Asaad Muhammed Leno

3. "Cool ranch" flavor is a preview of the paradise that awaits a martyr

2. When beard is full of orange crumbs, he can do hilarious "Yosemite Saddam"

1. Delicious taste allows him to momentarily forget he'll spend eternity in hell
 
needmorecsi said:
csikicksurass said:
you will only get this if you watch southpark and the simpsons
Click to expand...

This thread is only for Top Ten Lists from The Late Show with David Latterman. If you want to find old lists go to the CBS website, and the lists are archived there.
Click to expand...
Indeed this thread is for David Letterman's top 10. :)
 
Hey needmorecsi just a suggestion- cause I'd never try and offend or tell any one else what to do- BUT---maybe you could just post ONE top ten at a time- the reason being- too many is kind of overwhelming- and they get lost in the shuffle/translation- ya know-- ;) is that OK with you?

what do you think?
 
desertwind said:
Hey needmorecsi just a suggestion- cause I'd never try and offend or tell any one else what to do- BUT---maybe you could just post ONE top ten at a time- the reason being- too many is kind of overwhelming- and they get lost in the shsuffle/translation- ya know-- ;) is that OK with you?

what do you think?
Click to expand...

I can definitly do that, but it's probably not always going to be one. I'll start posting two/three on occasion but noit often, and definitly not as many as I've been doing.


Top Ten Ways To Make Religious History More Entertaining


10. New chapter of the Bible: "The Book of Regis."

9. Instead of parting Red Sea, Moses drives Ford pickup into a Red Lobster.

8. After David slays Goliath, he is elected Governor of Minnesota.

7. Each psalm has to include the word "jiggy."

6. Lord is asked to perform greatest miracle -- get Knicks in playoffs.

5. At end of Jonah and the whale story, Roy Scheider blows up whale using pressurized oxygen tank.

4. All new Book of Genesis explains why they've sucked since Peter Gabriel left.

3. The Book of Judges expanded to include Koch and Judy.

2. Epic new film: "The Ten Commandments Broken By Darryl Strawberry"

1. Scratch 'n' sniff plagues of Egypt.
 
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