DAVES TOP TEN

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desertwind said:
WOW--needmorecsi you pretty much kicked butt on all of those- funny- :lol: especially the Shakespeare one :D
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Thanks, whenever I'm bored I just go on to the CBS website and look up some good lists from the archivesd for this thread. I only post the lists that I find funny and not just every list I find. If anybody has a request for a list or type of list, (dumb guy, etc) feel free to ask and I'll try to find what I can.




Top Ten Reasons Bill Gates Is Stepping Down From Microsoft

10. Figures it's time to try to lose his virginity
Rick B., Mississauga, Canada

9. Wants to spend more time in search of a decent barber
Pat S., Granite Quarry, NC

8. To defrag his hard drive (if you know what I mean)
Ed E., Conway, AR

7. Work schedule starting to interfere with his first love -- collecting them ceramic kitties
Lincoln M., London, Ontario

6. Saw late night commercial saying he could double his salary investing in real estate
Stanley C., Brookline, MA

5. Ruthlessly crushing the competition just doesn't bring the joy it used to anymore
Tom R., Ankeny, IA

4. Can now devote more time to becoming People's Sexiest Man Alive
Kevin A., Rumford, RI

3. Was just drafted by the Knicks
Michael S., Pt. Washington, NY

2. Thinks if he devotes more time to charity work he might have a shot with Angelina Jolie
Will W., Columbia Heights, MN

1. His job was outsourced to India
Ron G., Red Lion, PA
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Top Ten Robert Blake Defenses


10. "C'mon, I've killed dozens of people on television and it's always been cool"

9. "I was gonna shoot her with a squirt gun, but what with the drought and all..."

8. "At the time of the murder I was... Hey, enough about me. How long have you been a district attorney?"

7. "Wake up, America! It was obviously one of them crazy Mullahs"

6. "How could I possibly have time to murder her and still maintain my busy acting career?"

5. Ate British beef moments earlier -- came down with Mad Cow disease

4. Wanted to have a good story to tell at next "Our Gang" reunion

3. "You're allowing yourself to be swayed by a mountain of overwhelming evidence?"

2. "The parrot made me do it"

1. Never should have asked for marital advice from friend O.J.
-----------------------------------
Top Ten Ways The Taliban Is Celebrating Their 10th Anniversary


10. Wet-burqa contest

9. Goat jumping out of a cake

8. Ticking "Congratulations!" bouquet from Donald Rumsfeld

7. Raffling off a busted TV

6. Dinner at their favorite restaurant "Thank-Allah-It's-Friday"

5. With the traditional tenth anniversary gift, sand

4. Flying in Don Rickles to roast Osama

3. Lively game of "Pin the Beard on the Deranged, Cave-Dwelling Madman"

2. Serving a special dessert called "Death To America By Chocolate"

1. Running for their lives
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Top Ten New Features Of Camp Delta


10. Interrogation rooms with ocean views

9. Still has that "new detention camp" smell

8. Prisoners allowed one threatening phone call a week

7. The loosest slots on Guatanamo Bay

6. Free "Camp Delta" tote bag with every confession

5. Extremist kids eat free

4. Nightly turndown service includes a goat on your pillow

3. Burqa raids on girls' camp across the lake

2. Midnight performances by Engelbert Humperdink

1. Craftmatic adjustable torture racks
 
Once again-hiliarious- :lol:needsmorecsi

TOP TEN SIGNS MADONNA IS GETTING OLD :eek:

10--The only 'F"-word she used is "fiber" :confused:

9--Down to one tattoo a week :cool:

8--Always offers her bondage partners hard candies :mad:

7--Finally married her long time boyfriend James Brolin- (don't get this one)?????

6--Getting more forgetful--sometimes sleeps with the same man twice :p

5--Most recent video features her writhing seductively on her little electric scooter :lol:

4--Lately, the "Material Girl's" been leaning towards polyster :rolleyes:

3--Still runs around naked all the time--paparazzi ain't taking as many pictures :eek:

2--Goddbye, NBA players---Hello, PGA golfers :p

1--Lastest single --"Like A Hot Flash"
 
Top Ten Signs Your Kid Is Dumb


10. Can't find the United States on a map of the United States

9. Nobody knows his I.Q. because he keeps eating the test

8. Sharpens ball point pens

7. He named his dog "Kitty"

6. Believes Saddam when he says he's not hiding weapons of mass destruction

5. Proudly wears a Knicks jersey

4. Sees photo of himself, says, "Hey, it's that guy from the mirror!"

3. Called FBI terrorism hotline to vote for Bin Laden

2. For his birthday you give him a flashlight and tell him it's a video game

1. Says, "I wish Michael Jackson was my dad!"
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Top Ten Signs Saddam Hussein Is Planning To Move To Your Neighborhood


10. While watching CNN your daughter exclaims, "That's the guy who brought my Girl Scout cookies!"

9. Predator drones circling overhead

8. Your mailman made a mistake and gave you a shipment of plutonium

7. Streets have fewer minivans, more tanks

6. Sign on lawn: "Trespassers will be gassed and tortured"

5. Sean Penn keeps coming over

4. Your address: 145 Murray Street; newspaper's headline: "82nd Airborne Deployed To 148 Murray Street"

3. At Home Depot, you notice four Saddam doubles arguing about carpet

2. In driveway, Humvee with license plate "Ruthless 1"

1. Classified ad seeks "The mother of all affordable split-level homes"
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Top Ten Army Reservist Pet Peeves


10. Army rules prohibit me from bringing my pet monkey
(Sergeant George Scheer)

9. Water that tastes "canteeny"
(Specialist Elizabeth Cullen)

8. People who panned "Kangaroo Jack" before they even saw it
(Specialist Maurice Mangra)

7. Rarely get asked to invade fun places, like Tampa
(Specialist Mariecha Rowe)

6. Television in the rec room only gets CBS
(Specialist Carlos Rivera)

5. I miss the day-to-day challenges of my civilian job -- just kidding
(Sergeant Steven Watt)

4. When it's my turn to parallel park the tank
(Sergeant Marilyn Lopera)

3. Sergeants who yell when a polite suggestion would suffice
(Specialist Matthew Phillips)

2. Skipping Salisbury Steak night in the mess hall to do a lame comedy bit for Letterman
(Specialist Joseph Edghill)

1. Looking at camouflage all day makes you dizzy
(Sergeant Barbara Andres)
 
TOP TEN QUESTIONS ON THE U.S. CITIZETNSHIP EXAM

10--At any time in your life, have you worn a stupid-looking beret? :lol:

9--How soon can you begin pitching for the Yankees? :eek:

8--If all the good states are full-would you be willing to live in Deleware? :D

7--Are you from the country that gave us that hump Roberto Benigni? :(

6--Name one state in whic Bill Clinton has not been sued :eek:

5--True or false--the American anthem is Lionel Richie's "Dancin' On The Ceiling" :cool:


4--Name the American broadcaster who looks like an owl :lol:

3--You're not going to sell our nuclear secrets to China are you? :eek:

2--Who's the black private chick that's a sex machine to all the chicks? :p

1--Zachary Taylor--U.S. president or one of those kids on "Home Improvement"
 
TOP TEN CHANGES IN THE UNITED STATES ARMY

10--Instead os "Sir" commanding officers may be addressed as "Dude" :lol:

9--Foxholes will be even 'Foxy-er" :p

8--Cumbersome kevlar helmet will be replace with more comfortable panama hat :eek:

7--Soilders recieve furloughs to see Regis and Susan Lucci at Foxwoods Casino :lol:

6--Due to funding cuts-private first class reduced to private business class :confused:

5--No more annoyning suprise visits form Bush :rolleyes:

4--New feel-good drill sergeants demand- "Drop and give me one" :eek:

3--Instead of dishonorable discharge-unruly soldiers recieve embarrassing Kenny Rogers-style eye lift :D

2--New standard haircut--"The Rachel"?????

1--For a limited time all enlistees get to kick Rumsfield's ass :devil:
 
TOP TEN WEATHERMAN OR ICE CREAM FLAVOR NAMES

10--Mint Chip :rolleyes:

9--Storm Field :(

8--Malt Blizzard :cool:

7--Nut Cluster :mad:

6--Chunky Roker :eek:

5--Stormberry Fieldcake ;)

4--Whip Cherrycrunch :p

3--Lloyd Lindsey Brickle :lol:

2--Willard Scott Wears A Hairpiece Royale :D

1--Earl Swirl :rolleyes:
 
TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD BACKSTAGE AT "THE VIEW"

10--Is it worth pawning the crap she left in her dressing room :eek:

9--And we thought the "loud" one would give us all the trouble" :lol:

8--How about we say Star has to leave because she tested positive for steroids :rolleyes:

7--I haven't been this upset since Debbie what's-her-name-left :mad:

6-------------

5--Hey, easy on the Gin, Barbara :D

4--Is Hugh Downs still alive?
:confused:7

3----------------

2--If any straight men watched this show, they'd really enjoy the catfighting :mad:

1--If I want to watch a couple of old hags whine, I'll watch Dave and Paul :D :lol:
 
Okie-dokie--will do- ;)

TOP TEN SIGNS THE SUPREME COURT DOESN'T GIVE A DAMN

10--Coin flip based on if they could make it to the 2:40 showing of "Superman Returns" :lol:

9--Tough to concentrate with Ruth Bader Ginsburg trying on bikinis :eek:

8--Spent last two days hearing arguments between Barbara and Star Jones :(

7--All gavels make "crazy boing" sound :D

6--Recesses now take place at area Hooters :p

5--Chief Justice John Roberts demands to be called "J.Ro" :lol:

4--After heated debate--ruled 7-to-2 that Aerosmith does indeed rock :rolleyes:

3--Upheld gay marriage-but only for really "Hot" babes :p

2--For kicks they reversed an old decision and now Gore's President :eek:

1--Invited Anna Nicole Smith back to stand around and look slutty :confused:
 
Top Ten George W. Bush Observations About New York City


10. "That rat's big enough to wear a saddle"

9. "You can get a cab from JFK to midtown for only $250"

8. "When are they going to start drilling for oil in Central Park?"

7. "The city seems to have solved its King Kong problem"

6. "New York is the city that never sleeps and I'm the president who sleeps 15 hours a night"

5. "Too many Clintons"

4. "Giuliani gets rid of all the strip clubs and people say I'm dumb"

3. "Foreign guys always buy yellow cars"

2. "There's a giant green lady with a torch! Run for your lives!"

1. "What a friendly town -- 5 ladies in Times Square asked if I'd like to have sex"
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Top Ten Lifeguard Pet Peeves


10. Fat guys who say, "Lotion me"
(from Jones Beach, Michael Gaudi)

9. People who assume just because you're wearing a bathing suit you know how to swim
(from Field 2 Beach, Julie Hahn)

8. Looks from commuters when you get on subway in trunks and a whistle
(from Manasquan Beach, Dave Jordan)

7. Guys who pretend to be drowning because they enjoy the mouth-to-mouth
(from Seven Presidents Ocean Front Park Beach, Michelle Kantor

6. Guys who pretend to be drowning because they enjoy the mouth-to-mouth
(from Central Mall Beach, Bob Lenti)

5. Constantly having to remind Letterman it ain't a nude beach
(from Field 4 beach, Steve DeCastro)

4. If you let someone drown, they make you work weekends
(from Robert Moses Beach, Ino Puig)

3. Narrow-minded lifeguards who just can't accept your relationship with the CPR dummy
(from Bradley Beach, Stephen Fowler)

2. When you get right down to it, not many people really look good in a bathing suit
(from Zach's Bay Beach, Tara Wilson)

1. A depressed, overweight David Hasselhoff keeps asking for a job
(from Long Branch Beach, Curtis Fox)
 
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE AT A BAD FIREWORKS DISPLAY

10--What you call a fireworks display-the police call arson :devil:

9--Best part was when the bug zapper fll in the pool :eek:

8--Only celebrity they could get was the Geico lizard :lol:

7--Al Gore shuts it down because of atmosphere-warming sulfure emmissions :confused:

6--It starts a noon :rolleyes:

5--It's just a coupl;e of guys yelling 'Ka-Boom" :mad:

4--Finale of the show--A stick of dynamite blows up your car :eek:

3--Fireworks form a colorful image of CNN's Larry King :(

2--You're handed a program and a business card of several personal injury attorneys :cool:

1--When you complain that it's over after an underwhelming two minutes-your wife says- "Tell me about it" :D
 
TOP TEN LEAST INSPIRATIONAL PATRIOTIC SONGS

10--The Battle Hymn of Rosie O"Donnell :eek:

9--God Bless America Except Deleware :lol:

8--Tie A Yellow Ribbon Around George W. Bush :mad:

7--The 10-10-321 Overture????

6--Yankee Doodle Dandy Charged With Possession of Cocaine and Soliciting Prostitution :devil:

5--Star-Spangled Danza :confused:

4--Hooray For the Red-White and Blue Things Floating In My Belgian Coke :p

3--Lets Go Kick The Crap Out of Greenland :eek:

2--Stars and Stripes Forever---Or At Least Until This Terror Threat Thing Goes Away :eek:

1--When Regis Comes Marching Home!!! :D
 
TOP TEN OTHER LISTS KEPT BY THE FBI

10--J. Edgar Hoover Dress and High-Hell Sizes ;)

9--Guests Roise O'Donnell has yelled at :mad:

8--Chinese Citizens who don't yet have U.S. Military Secrets :confused:

7--Guys who use the phrase "Okie-Dokie" :lol:

6--People who are living a Vida that's a little too Loca :eek:

5--People under 80 who watch Prime Time :eek:

4--Disgruntled "Star Wars" fans who want Jar-Jar Binks beaten to death :eek:

3--Mother-daughter stripper guests Jerry Springer has slept with :p

2--America's ten most undecided :lol:

1--Female agents who are even one-tenth as hot as Scully :D
 
Top Ten Reasons Superman Is Returning

10. Only person strong enough to stop Connie Chung from ever singing again
Jordan M., Austin, TX

9. Discovered his retirement fund had been depleted by manager Don King
Robert C., Lebanon, NJ

8. Global warming turned Fortress of Solitude into stagnant pond of mosquitoes
Eric H., Mesa, AZ

7. Saving the world from Paris Hilton's record by spinning the earth's rotation back in time
Scott D., Edmonton, AB

6. With his vision, he's a cinch to win on "Deal Or No Deal"
Jan L., Knoxville, TN

5. You think your gas bill is high, try heating the Fortress of Solitude
John G., Lafayette, LA

4. Figures he better get his green card before Bush realizes he's an illegal immigrant
Steve B., San Carlos, CA

3. Gravitational pull of Oprah's head
W L., Gaithersburg, MD

2. To combat "faster than a speeding bullet" rumors Lois Lane keeps spreading
Dean M., Cheektowaga, NY

1. Try to find the bad guys who messed up Kenny Rogers' face
Ann A., Milwaukee, WI
------------------------------------------------------------
Top Ten Questions on the New U.S. Citizenship Test


10. Name the fat senator from Massachusetts with the drinking problem

9. Could you fight for this country after hearing the words, "Congressman Bono?"

8. Senor Perot: loco, muy loco or muy, muy loco?

7. Who's the black private dick that's a sex machine to all the chicks?

6. True or false: the Constitution guarantees the right to life, liberty and surf-n-turf

5. Would you marry Larry King to get a green card?

4. Would you marry Richard Simmons to get a green card?

3. Which do you prefer: Grand Rapids or Wahoo?

2. Are you willing to "do it" with President Clinton?

1. U.S. _____________________?
------------------------------------------------------------
Top Ten Signs You're Not Going to Graduate From High School This Year


10. Instead of a cap and gown, they give you a McDonald's hairnet.

9. Your final paper in English was titled "TV Guide: Gateway to Viewing Pleasure."

8. Grandma starts affectionately calling you "Lil' Flunkie."

7. Nobody believes pot in your locker was planted by those Whitewater dudes."

6. Your computer teacher discovers your gettin' it on with a laptop.

5. At oral exam, you respond to every question with, "Hey -- I ain't in Mensa, you know!"

4. Your guidance counselor gives you Dr. Kevorkian's number.

3. You constantly neglect your studies to date Woody Allen.

2. Your name: Kenny. This year's prom theme: "Sorry you won't be graduating, Kenny."

1. Your combined score on the SAT: 12
 
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