DAVES TOP TEN

[Desertwind]

all hiliarious

TOP TEN THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR AT THE ZOO

10--No matter how much I wash, I still smell like a cheetah

9--Are you the guy I'm supposed to talk to about the black market elephant?

8--You know, between me and you, that's just a guy in a bear suit :lol:

7--It's time to feed the pythons--will you hlep me catch a few aquirrels?

6--If you want a good buzz-- I've got access to the tranquilzer gun

5--You know, this isn't a mustache--this is a rare Andean caterpiller--want to pet it?

4--Do you hear him ?? he's laughing at me

3--Excuse me-- I have to go glue the horn on the "unicorn"

2--Hey yo--want to see a dinosaur for twenty bucks?

1--does it look like I have rabies? :devil:

 

[Desertwind]

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU HAVE A BAD TRAVEL AGENT

10--You notice flight to 'Paris" was awfully quixk and all the cars have "minnesota" license plates

9--He suggests you fly out of newark because "their drug-sniffing dogs aren't as good"

8--He keeps saying 'This trip will be good for our relationship"

7--You're sharing a beach bungalow with a naked guy from "Survivor"

6--Claims "Austria" just an alternative spelling of "Austrlia" :lol:

5--His name is Ned--he suggests you visit Club Med

4--You have to be in Nebraska for a wedding and the idiot books you on United

3--You want to go to China--he hands you a shovel and says "Go Nuts"

2--Claims he can join you in the mile-high-club right there on his desk

1--You have a 23-year layover at O'Hare :lol:

 

[defiantDittohead]

desertwind said:

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU HAVE A BAD TRAVEL AGENT

6--Claims "Austria" just an alternative spelling of "Austrlia" :lol:

5--His name is Ned--he suggests you visit Club Med

club med? 18-30
know it?

austria vs australia...lame

 

[Calihan]

desertwind said:
5--His name is Ned--he suggests you visit Club Med

I think you meant to put, "His name is Ned--he suggests you visit Club Ned'.
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Top Ten Ways to Make the World Cup More Exciting

10. Instead of players trading shirts after the game, swap wives.
Tejinder G., Montreal, Canada

9. Replace sideline Gatorade with vodka and tonic
Shane M., Tauranga, New Zealand

8. Monkey referees
Michael H., Elgin, IL

7. New slogan: "At least it's not hockey!"
Bill B., Springfield, MO

6. No pants, more balls!
Bill P., Woodinville, WA

5. With hidden landmines, "sudden death" is no longer just in overtime
Patrick E., Victoria, Canada

4. Oh, I don't know, maybe have some games where the score is not zero to zero?
John K., Long Beach, CA

3. You win a game, Angelina adopts a baby from your country
Babs B., Lynnfield, MA

2. Give Dick Cheney some beer, a shotgun, and put him in at goalkeeper
Vince D., Polson, MT

1. 11 players, 10 uniforms
Keith G., Phoenix, AZ

 

[Desertwind]

I swear it said Ned- Club Med

TOP TEN DR. PHIL WEIGHT LOSS TIPS

10--"Stop eating, you fat load"

9--Changing your life is difficult--changing the dial on your scale is not :lol:

8--Don't waste an hour of your life every day sitting in front of the TV

7--Build your own self-esteem by making fun of people who are fatter than you

6--Bully your staff into saying how skinny you look

5--Do what I did--borrow money from Oprah and get yourself a personal trainer

4--No hair equals less weight

3--Start a hobby--like manufacturing your own psychology degree

2--Resolve to spend no more than $1,500 a week on food

1--Once you find your authentic self--haul it's ass in to get some liposuction :lol:

 

[Calihan]

Top Ten Signs Your Radio Shack Manager Has Gone Nuts


10. Quotes you a price of "$19.95 or 3 kisses"

9. Has named every AC adaptor in the store "Curtis"

8. He actually enjoys those annoying Teri Hatcher/Howie Long commercials

7. Explains to customers "FM" stands for "Fred MacMurray"

6. He's got a surge protector in his pants

5. All answering machines come pre-recorded with several minutes of him coughing

4. He greets you by asking, "Would you like to see a menu?"

3. Breathlessly asks older gentlemen, "Are you Thomas Edison?"

2. Insists on using Osama bin Laden in his newspaper ads

1. Swallowing double-A batteries like they were Tums

 

[Desertwind]

needmorecsi said:
Top Ten Signs Your Radio Shack Manager Has Gone Nuts











6. He's got a surge protector in his pants

5. All answering machines come pre-recorded with several minutes of him coughing

4. He greets you by asking, "Would you like to see a menu?"

3. Breathlessly asks older gentlemen, "Are you Thomas Edison?"

2. Insists on using Osama bin Laden in his newspaper ads

1. Swallowing double-A batteries like they were Tums

:

 

[Desertwind]

TOP TEN SIGNS A MAFIA BOSS IS NUTS

10--Keeps ordering on "that bastard Al Capone" :devil:

9--Had a guy whacked because he thought he was working for Batman :lol: :
:
8--To look more like Brando-loads his cheeks fuul of peanuts

7--He's the reputed head of the "Garbor Crime Family

6--Instead of the "Godfather" he prefers to be called "The Fairy Godmother"

5--At McDonalds-orders Big Mac-fries and drink all separately-instead as a meal

4--Three words-edible pinky ring

3--After you cross him-you wake up next morning with his head in your bed

2--He's constantly whacking himself-if you know what I mean

1--his business cards read "Mafia Boss"






:

:

 

[Calihan]

Top Ten Hilarious April Fool's Day Pranks In The Mafia


10. Tell a guy you're going to shoot him, then kill him with a brick.

9. Tape sign to informant's back that reads: "Whack me."

8. The old "non-drying cement shoes" gag.

7. Put body in big paper bag, place it on somebody's doorstep, light it on fire, ring doorbell, run away.

6. Phone local teamsters office, say, "This is Jimmy Hoffa--any messages for me?"

5. Call up Domino's; order a pizza for Mr. Foghead A. Boutit.

4. The old severed finger in the hot dog bun trick.

3. Replace someone's "Godfather" tape with a Teletubbys video.

2. Instead of horse's head, rig it so somebody wakes up next to Linda Tripp.

1. Three words: squirting pinkie rings.
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Top Ten Signs Your Neighbor Is in the Mafia


10. He seems to do really well for a guy who runs a candy store that's open one or two hours a day

9. His partner in the neighborhood 3-legged race: Vincent "The Chin" Gigante

8. For his son's birthday, buys him a U.S. senator

7. Your tomato plants keep getting singed by the cars exploding in his driveway

6. Tuesday: paper boy misses porch; Wednesday: paper boy gets "iced"

5. All his anecdotes end with, "So I blew his head off"

4. Two goons show up and make your wife reveal the family recipe for apple crisp

3. At their Halloween party, they bob for mob informants

2. After having an argument with his kid, your kid wakes up with the head of Tickle Me Elmo on his pillow

1. His lawn gnome is riddled with bulletholes

 

[Desertwind]

TOP TEN WORST JOBS

10--Texas electric-chair tester

9--Hooker in Amish country

8--Courtney Loves pharmacist

7--Male cheerleader for Rikers Island basketball

6--"Surivior" cast member agents about two weeks before the finale

5--U.S. Open usher--Crazy-over-agressive father section

4--Sunblock boy-senior citizens nude beach

3--Personal assistant to Siegfried/Personal assistant to Roy/tie

2--Public relations spokesperson for Firestone tires :lol:

1--David Letterman's barber

 

[Calihan]

desertwind said:
TOP TEN WORST JOBS
8--Courtney Love's pharmacist
4--Sunblock boy-senior citizens nude beach

Here's some information about Courtney Love.

Would you want to apply sunblock on a senior citizen's nude beach.

Top Ten Signs Your Shoe Salesman is Actually the Devil


10. He helps customers sitting in front of him and in back of him by spinning his head around.

9. His store has big Hitler's birthday sale.

8. Offers you 15% off if you sell him your soul

7. Name of store: "Thom McGangel-of-Death"

6. When you tell him you don't like a pair of shoes, he spits pea soup at you.

5. He gazes into your eyes and next thing you know -- bang -- you own 30 pairs of Reeboks.

4. When unhappy customer tells him to go to hell, he replies, "I can't go home till six."

3. Sign out front reads, "Visa card, Mastercard, and abandon hope all ye who enter here!"

2. When Michael Jackson got married, his shoestore froze over.

1. All the shoes are size 666.

 

[Desertwind]

Top Ten Signs Your Shoe Salesman is Actually the Devil



9. His store has big Hitler's birthday sale.



6. When you tell him you don't like a pair of shoes, he spits pea soup at you.




2. When Michael Jackson got married, his shoestore froze over.

1. All the shoes are size 666.

[/QUOTE]



TOP TEN SIGNS NEW YORK IS BECOMING MORE POLITE

10--After selling a hot dog, vendors share helpful food poisoning rmemdies :devil:

9--Batteries thrown by New York Yankees fans are the enviromentally-friendly rechargeable kind

8--Whenever you step off a city bus, the driver gives you a friendly pat on the ass

7--Muggers say "May I? before gutting you like a carp

6--Cab drivers no longer curse and give you the finger at the same time :lol:

5--Two words--complimentary rats

4--"Thank You" always follows, "do as I say and no one gets hurt"

3--"We're sorry" is printed on every Knicks ticket

2--Number of motorists who stop at red lights is up 8%

1--People are now greeting me with "Go screw yourself" Mr. Letterman

 

[Calihan]

Top Ten Rejected Ways to Die in the New Halloween Movie


10. Old age.

9. Really, really, really big paper cut.

8. Pop rocks and soda.

7. Head explodes while trying to figure out why a movie called "Halloween" is coming out the first week of August -- am I right, people?

6. Beaten to death with chair by a hillbilly on "Jerry Springer."

5. Assassinated by John Wilkes Booth.

4. Crunched between fantastically strong thighs of Ms. Suzanne Somers.

3. Running with scissors.

2. Heart attack after being surprised by wife Hillary in oval office.

1. Laughing to death at joke on The Late Show.
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Top Ten Ways the Pope is Trying To Be More Cool


10. Cameo as "dancing pope" on "Ally McBeal"

9. Ending each prayer with, "Can I get an amen?"

8. Swing-dancing in one of those Gap ads

7. Delivers sermon on "The sanctity of gettin' it on"

6. Changed his name to "Notorious P.O.P.E."

5. Competes in new sport: "Extreme Blessing"

4. Changed his name to "Pope John Paul George Ringo"

3. Now wears big pointy hat made by Kangol

2. Begins each mass by shouting, "Let's get ready to rrrruuuummmmbllllle"

1. Three-month run as Rizzo in "Grease"
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Top Ten Movies That Would Get Made If Bill Clinton Headed A Studio


10. "Shakespeare In Heat"

9. "Message In A Necktie"

8. "Rear Window-Less Corridor"

7. "Six Jane Does, Seven Nights"

6. "I Know Who You Did Last Summer"

5. "The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance, Then Got A High-Paying Job At Revlon From Vernon Jordan"

4. "Twelve Angry Hillarys"

3. "How Bubba Got His Job Back"

2. "The Thong Remains The Same"

1. "Liar, Liar" (Remake)
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Top Ten Things Shakespeare Would Say If He Were Alive Today


10. "Now that I've had 400 years to think about it, tights are kind of fruity."

9. "What's Gore talking about? I invented the internet."

8. "I got ideas for three new plays just by watching Jerry Springer."

7. "Even I think 'Saving Private Ryan' is a much better movie than 'Shakespeare In Love.'"

6. "I'm gonna go hang out at Barnes & Noble and pick up chicks in the theater section."

5. "'Cats'? Good Lord, is that still playing?"

4. "What's something good that rhymes with 'Hooters'?"

3. "I just got a 'Welcome Back Kotter' lunch box on e-bay."

2. "The guys in high school English were right -- I'm gay."

1. "Dave, wherefore is thy number one never funny?"

 

[Calihan]

Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Having Sex With A Robot

10. "Is it properly grounded?"
9. "Can I check my email during sex?"
8. "Would the robot be up for a threesome with the tivo?"
7. "Which robot does consumer reports recommend having sex with?"
6. "Do we have a future together or is this just cold, meaningless robot sex?"
5. "Is this being videotaped for a 'Dateline NBC' exclusive?"
4. "Will it hurt like the time I made out with the juicer?"
3. "Is the robot Jewish?"
2. "Does this classify as 'rock bottom'?"
1. "Am I sure I want to cheat on my inflatable girlfriend?"
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Top Ten Signs You're at a Bad Camp


10. Lifeguard is a mannequin with a whistle
9. Many of the counselors are still wearing their prison uniforms
8. At the end of the tetherball rope is a sun-bleached human skull
7. Bonfire fueled entirely by documents from old lawsuits
6. At meal time, they send you into the woods with a hunting knife and say, "Bon appetit, you little bastards!"

5. Baseball clinic is run by last place New York Mets
4. The strange-looking kid who keeps biting everyone turns out to be a giant mosquito
3. Dead horse + 1,000 volts = 8 seconds of horseback riding
2. They give you a special repellent to prevent bites by Mike Tyson
1. Camp motto: remember Waco
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Top Ten Summer Fun Tips from the Unabomber

10. Light-colored, loose-fitting hooded sweatshirts
9. If you're having trouble lighting the barbecue, try Napalm
8. Many resorts offer fabulous "troubled loner discount packages"
7. Next to your 10 by 12 foot shack, build a 1 by 2 foot guest shack
6. Join your dog for a refreshing flea dip
5. For an extra kick, fill water balloons with nitroglycerine
4. Make your own sunscreen out of swamp water and rabbit entrails
3. Go to beach, make clumsy passes at women, get turned down, plot revenge
2. Properly placed charges can make any rental car a convertible
1. Get wacky new bumper sticker: "Unabombers Do It With a Bang"
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Top Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear From a Cab Driver

10. "You don't mind if I swing by my apartment to reload my gun, do you?"
9. "Does the back seat smell like a dead guy?"
8. "You're not a cop, are you?"
7. "If my doctor knew I was driving, he'd be real pissed."
6. "All the empty bottles up here keep rolling under the brake."
5. "You can help yourself to the loose potato chips under the seat."
4. "I'm letting you know up front, any touching is fifty bucks extra."
3. "Mommy let me drive by myself today."
2. "You know it's 4:00 and three couples already had sex back there."
1. "My passengers have a nearly 80% survival rate."
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Top Ten Things Monica Lewinsky Can Do To Mend Her Reputation


10. Appear on "E.R." as woman who keeps getting stuff caught in her throat.
9. Hire PR firm that improved Charles Manson's reputation.
8. Rejoin her old band The Go-Gos.
7. Become the U.S. Ambassador to Grabasslavia.
6. Help "straighten out" that Teletubby.
5. Change name to Sara Lee Lewinsky (because nobody doesn't like Sara Lee).
4. Break up N'Sync the way Yoko broke up the Beatles.
3. Perform Heimlich Maneuver on choking Hillary Clinton: Aim wad of dislodged food at Linda Tripp's face.
2. Lure terrorist mastermind Osama Bin Laden into trap by flashing her thong.
1. Stop the damn smirking.
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Top Ten Signs You're Watching a Bad Disney Movie


10. It's two hours of accidental deaths at Disney's "Animal Kingdom."
9. It's called "The Little Right Wing Militia That Could."
8. Robert Downey Jr. keeps trying to smoke the Flubber.
7. Characters keep saying how great it will be to buy the video when it comes out.
6. You find yourself thinking, "Did Minnie get implants?"
5. It's advertised as being "from the makers of Euro-Disney."
4. Music and lyrics by Roger Clinton.
3. Mickey shouts, "Oh my god, they killed Goofy!"
2. Minnie Mouse spends half the movie stranded on a deserted island with Anne Heche.
1. There's five or six dalmations, tops.
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Top Ten Jobs In The New Millenium


10. Assistant Fight Fixer, Don King Corp.
9. Medical Marijuana Product Quality Tester
8. Sign-Remover, Failed Starbucks Locations
7. NBA token white guy
6. NHL token black guy
5. Guy who puts "Intel Inside" stickers on every computer
4. Consultant, Hillary Clinton New Husband Search
3. Guy in charge of gathering sharp sticks after Y2K knocks us back to Stone Age
2. Producer of "Where Are They Now?" specials on David Letterman and Paul Shaffer
1. Human toy for Bill Gates
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Top Ten Signs Your Debate Moderator Is Nuts

10. Rambling opening statement ends with teary marriage proposal to Carmen Electra
9. Insists candidates may only speak when sitting on his lap
8. When things start to get heated, jumps up and down shouting, "Fight! Fight!"
7. Gives equal time to Bush, Gore and the invisible candidate, Carl
6. Announces next candidate who interrupts him is going to get taken behind woodshed and beaten with a rake
5. After every answer chirps brightly, "Whoopi is correct. Circle gets the square"
4. Debate is in North Carolina, but the moderator is in North Dakota
3. Instead of traditional blue suit, shows up dressed like a third-grader
2. Since he can't keep their names straight, refers to candidates as "Idiot 1" and "Idiot 2"
1. His best follow-up question of the night -- "Is anyone taping 'Felicity'?"
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Top Ten Election Issues Important To Dumb Guys

10. Medicare coverage for swallowing a billiard ball
9. Use part of budget surplus to buy everybody a free hat
8. If you lose your wallet the government should help you find it by using a satellite or laser or something
7. Sure waffles are delicious now...but will they always be?
6. Why don't people on TV wave back at you?
5. We've got to be prepared for an invasion by Canexico
4. Finding the one-armed man to finally clear The Fugitive's good name
3. The next president gets to appoint, like, three new regulars to "The Hollywood Squares"
2. Strengthening military so space monkeys can't blow up White House
1. Candy/soda (tie)

 

[Desertwind]

WOW--needmorecsi you pretty much kicked butt on all of those- funny- :lol: especially the Shakespeare one


TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR BARBER IS WORKING FOR AL QAEDA

10--You change the part in your hair-and that night it's the top story on Al-Jazeera :devil:

9--Instead of small talk about sports-it's small talk about the streets flowing with Zionists blood

8--Customers pay with cash-credit card or goat :lol:

7--Disinfects his combs in a jar of sarin gas

6--When he makes a mistake, says 'Ah, the turban will cover that"

5--Got his license at the Al Masadah Barber School and Training Camp

4--Manicures are done by sister- Tammi Bin Laden :devil:

3--During haircut he shouts "death to uneven sideburns"

2--His protein-infused deep-conditioning creme rinse? Hummus"

1--CIA picking up lots of 'chatter' about your dandruff :lol: