DAVES TOP TEN

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TOP TEN WORST NAMES FOR A SEAFOOD RESTAURANT

10--The Ol' Chum Bucket ;)

9--Parasite Island :rolleyes:

8--It Might Be Flounder :lol:

7--The Festering Cod :(

6--Boutulism Bay :eek:

5--TGI Scurvy's :eek:

4--3-Mile Island Trout "n' Things :D

3--Yesterday's Sushi :p

2--The Gagging Deck Hand :D

1--Green Lobster :D :(
 
TOP TEN SIGNS IT MAY BE THE APOCALYPSE

10--Gas is now $6.66 a gallon :devil:

9--Earlier today George W. Bush correctly pronounced "Apocalypse" :D

8--The minute you finish washing your car, it starts raining, am I right people? You know what I'm talking about? :lol: YES

7--On tonights "Anderson Cooper 360" his head spun around 360 degrees :devil:

6--At lunch my alphabet soup spelled "eat it" :eek:

5--People are actually buying a razor with five blades? :mad:

4--Two words--Govenor Schwarzenegger :D :D

3--While getting dressed, you discover pitchfork marks on your ass :devil:

2--Kenny Rogers knows when to hold' em and when to fold' em, but not when to walk away from plastic surgery :lol:

1--The Mets are in first place :D :lol: :D
 
Top Ten Signs That Your Relationship Is Heading For A Break-Up


10. Wakes up, rolls over and says, "Damn, you're still here?"

9. She's just hired a pool boy...you don't have a pool

8. You call her "Honey," she calls you "Numb Nuts"

7. You overhear your wife on the phone saying,, "How much to kill my husband?"

6. You come home to find her handling the UPS guy's package

5. You've started sleeping in separate beds, in separate houses, in separate time zones

4. You're so unhappy together that the only thing that cheers you up is seeing the hilarious new movie "The Break-Up," now playing at a theater near you

3. You look back at the drunken, bottle-throwing fights as "the good times"

2. At your backyard barbecue she refers to your best friend as "Lover"......I mean "Larry"

1. Keeps asking, "Why can't you be more like Vince Vaughn?"
 
Top Ten Things Elvis Would Say if He Came Back Today


10. I've been dead 20 years, and I still look better than Keith Richards

9. What do you know? The Jets still suck

8. I'm hungry -- is there are any food stuck in my sideburns?

7. I can't believe I missed the McRib Sandwich!

6. Who's this 'Richard Simmons,' and why's he keep trying to hug me?

5. I've been dead 20 years, you moron -- of course I want fries with that!

4. Heaven was great until that freaky bastard Tiny Tim showed up

3. That Letterman punk's on the TV -- where's my revolver?

2. I haven't been dead -- I've been starring in a series on CBS

1. Lisa Marie married who?
 
Top Ten Signs You've Eaten Too Much


10. Hundreds of volunteers have started to stack sandbags around you.

9. Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall.

8. You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the earth's axis.

7. Right this minute you're laughing up pie on the carpet.

6. You decide to take a little nap and wake up in mid-July.

5. World's fattest man sends you a telegram, warning you to "back off!"

4. CBS tells you to lose weight or else.

3. Getting off your couch requires help from the fire department.

2. Every escalator you step on immediately grinds to a halt.

1. You're sweatin' gravy.
 
needmorecsi said:
Top Ten Things Elvis Would Say if He Came Back Today


10. I've been dead 20 years, and I still look better than Keith Richards





5. I've been dead 20 years, you moron -- of course I want fries with that!



2. I haven't been dead -- I've been starring in a series on CBS

1. Lisa Marie married who?
Click to expand...


:D :lol: :D :lol:


TOP TEN SLOGANS FOR THE U.S. WOMEMEN'S WORLD SOCCER TEAM

10--Come Watch Hot Women take Their Aggression Out on Belgians :eek:

9--Got Estrogen? :mad:

8--Any One Of Us Could Take On Three VHI Divas :lol:

7--Hardly Anyone's Crushed To Death In Our Stands! ;)

6--Come Watch Us Play, Unless You're Daivd Letterman, In Which Case Stay The Hell Away!!! :confused:

5--It's Lke A Backstage brawl at Lillith Fair :rolleyes:

4--You'll Come For The Hamm, You'll Stay For The Brandi! :eek:

3--Tickets Are $4.95 A Minute, $3.95 Each Additional Minute :lol:

2--We Make The Men's World Cup Team Look Like a Bunch of Knuckle-Dragging Mouth-Breathing Humps :D

1--It's This Or Field Hockey :(
 
Top Ten Ways To Tick Off Alex Trebek


10. Rig your buzzer so it gives him a painful high-voltage shock

9. Insist religion prohibits you from phrasing answer in form of question

8. Do the old "got your mustache" trick

7. Tell him he should have retired ten years ago (sorry, that's a way to tick off me, Dave)

6. Hide in his bedroom ready to "play the home game"

5. Ask why "know-it-all Canadians with fruity mustaches" is never a category

4. During "Daily Double" you wager a "cajillion" dollars

3. Answer every question, "Who is George Peppard?"

2. Instead of writing Final Jeopardy response, draw picture of you and his wife having sex

1. What is, "Kick him in the nuts?"
 
Alex Trebek funny :D

TOP TEN WAYS I, DAVE AM CONSERVING WATER

10--No more Scotch and water-from no on it's all Scotch :lol:

9--On April Fool's Day, dropped air-filled balloons onto unsuspecting pedestrians :eek:

8--Three words--ketchup ice cubes- :(

7--Fill up the swimming pool with Nyquil :p

6--Instead of washing dishes-I just throw them away and get new ones :rolleyes:

5--Make coffee with air-conditioning condensation :(

4--Brushing my teeth with Dr. Pepper :p

3--Writers too dehydrated to write #3 :(

2--Drinking more Gator Ade :p

1--Having my hairpieces dry-cleaned-not washed :D
 
Top Ten Signs Your Relationship Is Headed For A Break-Up

10. You phone home and tell her "It's Larry" and she says, "Larry who?"
Robin R., Fort Worth, TX

9. When the two of you go out for a night of drinking and dancing, you're told to wait in the car
Rowe S., Tempe, AZ

8. Your Valentine's card is addressed, "To Whom It May Concern"
Joe S., Middlesex, NJ

7. When you say "I love you" they respond, "That's too bad"
Jeff C., Beverly Hills, MI

6. Your partner speculates on the possibility of converting your tandem bike to two unicycles
Micheal K., Canberra, Australia

5. You ask for a little more electricity in the bedroom and she buys a Taser
Troy R., Carlisle, PA

4. She suggests setting aside one night a week for "date night." Yours is on Tuesdays, hers is on Saturdays
Dwight C., Batavia, OH

3. She stops introducing you as the father of her child and instead refers to you as "the rat-bastard who knocked me up"
David C., Arvada, CO

2. Your husband's golfing partners: O.J. and Robert Blake
Michael L., Malden, MA

1. Richie Sambora keeps calling your wife
Gregg T., Deerfield Beach, FL
 
TOP TEN WAYS TO ANGER BILL GATES

10--Infect his compterized house with a virus that makes the garage door open and close constantly :lol:

9--When the Domino's pizza guy doesn't have change for a billion :confused:

8-Remind him ankle-length pants on women are fashionable-on men just plain dorky :rolleyes:

7--Pretned to be a bank manager--say he's down to a measly gazillion dollars :mad:


6--Change his America Online greeting to --'You got screwed" :D

5--Publish photos of him in high school back when he was a geek :rolleyes:

4--Phone him during CSI :devil:

3--Point out he and Bush are looking more and more alike :eek:

2--Kid him about being married for nine years and never getting to first base :(

1--Accuse him of both micro and soft :lol:
 
Top Ten Answers To The Question, 'How Boring Was George W. Bush's Speech?'


10. It was so boring, the Secret Service changed his code name to "Sominex"

9. It was so boring, at the Lincoln Memorial, the statue of Abe Lincoln got up and left

8. It was so boring, halfway through C-SPAN switched over to an XFL game

7. It was so boring, Hugh Rodham fell asleep and missed two dinners

6. It was so boring, it was like having sex with Hillary

5. It was so boring, guys on death row were lethally injecting themselves

4. It was so boring, Florida voters held their breath until the state turned blue

3. It was so boring, Bill Clinton passed out in the stolen Barc-O-Lounger

2. It was so boring, CBS is adding it to their regular Wednesday night lineup

1. It was so boring, Monica got up from under the podium and left
 
TOP TEN SECRETS FOUND IN AL-ZARQAW'S SAFE HOUSE

10--He occasionally like to dress up in a frilly pink burqa :lol:

9--Osama's been staying at a Red Roof Inn in Tulsa for over two years :eek:

8--He introduced Saddam to the joy of eating Doritos in underpants :lol:

7--iPod packed with nothing but Tony Orlando and Dawn :eek:

6--Was hoping to the the next "View" host :(

5--According to his will, he left everything to the Boys and Girls Club of Long Island :D

4--The song "Rhinestone Cowboy" always made him cry :rolleyes:

3--Refrigeator was fully stocked with Hebrew National Hot Dogs :p

2--High school yearbook shows he was voted "Most likly to start a "Jihad" :devil:

1--Signed off on all Al-Qaeda correspondence with "Zarqawi out" :D :lol: :D
 
TOP TEN THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR AT YOUR FAMILY BARBECUE

10--I got the idea for this recipe from watching 'Survivor" :lol:

9--Which do you want first, the kids, ice cream or the name of your real father!!! :eek:

8--I made the potato salad three weeks ago-so naturally its red-whiee and blue :(

7--Somebody keep the cops busy- while dad buries the knife :eek:

6--I'ts me Aunt Susan--you remember me from last year as Uncle Jeff :D

5--An now cousin Dave will show us slides of his quintuple bypass :mad:

4--If you don't wash your hands-it gives the burgers more flavor--- GROSS :eek:

3--By the way--your wife is an excellent kisser! :eek:

2--Pick up your pants grandpa--that's not the way you put out a fire!!!! :devil:

1--Dude, that firecracker really did a number on your eye :lol: :( :cool:
 
Top Ten Ways to Make School More Appealing to Teenagers


10. In biology class, dissect least popular student

9. Automatic "A" in Spanish if you've ever eaten at Taco Bell

8. Every day at 2 PM: schoolwide booty call

7. Instead of "Father of Our Country," refer to Washington as the "Puff Daddy of Our Country"

6. When handing out condoms, throw in a free motel room

5. Give 10 points extra credit for each body piercing

4. New curriculum: reading, writing, and wrecking stuff

3. Simplify geography to "America" and "them foreign bastards"

2. Sex ed. includes weekly field trip to Hooters

1. Fail a test, win a dirt bike
 
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