DAVES TOP TEN

[Desertwind]

TOP TEN REJECTED TITLES FOR A NEW GAY DETECTIVE SHOW

10--CSI Fire Island :lol:

9--Starsky & Butch

8--The Touchables

7--Minnelli Vice

6--Manhunt

5--Mike's Hammer

4--Jake & The Fat Gay Man

3--Mission Impossibly Fabulous

2--Cagney Loves Lacey

1--Studio 54-Where Are You? :lol:

 

[Calihan]

Top Ten Dumb Guy Explanations For Mars Being Close To Earth


10. Somebody must have left their vacuum cleaner running

9. Damn red planet -- you never could trust the Russkies

8. I want pie

7. Who cares? I'm gonna go shoot rats at the dump

6. Mars? Oh, I thought you said Marv

5. The whole galaxy's coming running for Applebee's honey barbecue rib tips

4. Did you say something about marshmallows?

3. Chewbacca -- HELLLLP!

2. Seriously, you got marshmallows?

1. Earth is being Punk'd

 

[Desertwind]

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR BOSS IS DRUNK

10--Starts each day by taking a leak on your desk

9--Parks his car in your space

8--Yesterday he prmoted the janitor :lol:

7--At brain storming meeting he shouts "I got it-lets hire a monkey"

6--All memos are scrawled on the back of gin soaked cocktail napkins

5--Asks the receptionist to connect him to Jack Daniels

4--Reeks of cocktail onions and beer pretzels

3--Spends all day distributing photo copies of his fat ass

2--Makes a sloppy pass at you-than your wife

1--He does silly stuff like Bush-trying to open locked door :lol:

 

[Guest]

Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Marrying A 104-Year-Old Woman


10. "Will I get along with her parents?"

9. "What if the day after we get married I meet a hot 103-year-old?"

8. "Will the wedding cake fit through a straw?"

7. "Should I go on Springer or Montel?"

6. "Do I mind that her ex is Orville Wright?"

5. "Does Sunnyvale Retirement Home offer a honeymoon package?"

4. "Would I be better off marrying two 52-year-olds?"

3. "Will this still be a good idea when the tequila wears off?"

2. "How much longer can I make her think I'm Bob Barker?"

1. "When do we get to consummate this bad boy?"

 

[Desertwind]

Lovin_W_Moseley said:
Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Marrying A 104-Year-Old Woman


3. "Will this still be a good idea when the tequila wears off?"

2. "How much longer can I make her think I'm Bob Barker?"

1. "When do we get to consummate this bad boy?"

:lol: funny-

 

[Desertwind]

TOP TEN PROPOSED CHANGES FOR CBS

10--Stories must be corroborated by at least two really strong hunches :lol:

9--"Evening News" pre-show staff cocktail hour is cancelled until furthur notice

8--Reduce "60 Minutes" to more meaningful 15-20 minutes

7--Change division name fro CBS to CBS news-ish

6--If anchor says anything inaccurate earpiece delivers an electirc shock

5--Conclude each story with comical "Boing" sound effect

4--Instead of Middle East reports-more powerball drawings

3--To play it safe-every "exclusive" story will be about how tasty pecan pie is

2--Not sure how-but make CBS more like CSI-- :lol: :lol:

1--Use beer-cash and hookers to lure Tom Brokaw out of retirement

 

[Tinkerbell]

desertwind you can edit your first post within 24 hours rather than post again a few minutes later.

 

[Desertwind]

OOOPS sorry Tinkerbell :lol: will do

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR KITTY IS A GENIUS

10--Meows in 6 languages :lol:

9--He's the only one in the family who can assemble your Ikea coffee table

8--His whiskers are Blue-tooth enabled

7--He only purrs when "Meet The Press" is on

6--He won 28 grand on "Jeopardy Kitty Week"

5--He has 10 lives

4--Earned the 2006 Nobel Prize in yarn rerlated science

3--Keeps putting the dog on eBay

2--Not only calls 911 for you-also calls 2-100 whenever your in need of an "Aerosmith" fix :lol:

1--Winces everytime he hears George W. Bush speaking

 

[Guest]

Thanks desertwind!

Top Ten Cool Things About Sharing A Cell With Martha Stewart


10. Instead of smelling like urine, cell now smells like urine and lilac.

9. Watching her start the day with 75 one-armed push-ups.

8. Much easier to conceal razor blades in handmade buckwheat pillows.

7. Nothing like homemade butterscotch cookies after a lice check.

6. Hearing the comical sounds Letterman makes during conjugal visits.

5. Says she's got a hot insider tip on how to get extra pudding in the mess hall.

4. Her experience throwing silverware at people makes her an asset in prison riots.

3. You get a huge boost in street cred by mastering tricky napkin folds.

2. Offered me 300 shares of stock in exchange for a pack of Winstons.

1. Amusing to hear Martha yell during shower fight, "It's not a good thing, bitch."

 

[Desertwind]

TOP TEN THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR FROM A LIFEGUARD

10--I was shocked how easy it is to get a Red Cross counterfeit certification :devil:

9--I probably should've waited until I was off-duty to get stinkin' drunk!

8--Hey you--put a shirt on, I just ate lunch

7--I gotta run and get some stamps---nobody drown while 'm gone :lol:

6--If the water's a little warmer around here-it's my fault

5--Yeah, I'm David Hasselhoff--life's been tough since they cancelled "Baywatch"


4--All right, everybody out!! time for daddy's bubble bath

3--You better be careful, pal--there's no way I'm giving you mouth-to-mouth

2--If I find out you've eaten in the last half hour-so help me god I'll kill you!

1--SHARK

 

[Calihan]

Top Ten Ways To Annoy Your Waiter


10. Eight hour lunch; two dollar tip

9. Ask, "Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really bad actor?"

8. After he describes each special, you shout, "Sucks!"

7. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, "Minimum wage."

6. Every few seconds, yell, "More waffles, Cuomo."

5. Insist that, before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London broil.

4. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, "You wouldn't charge Superman for dinner, would you?"

3. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard.

2. As he walks back to the kitchen, scream, "He's gonna take a leak in the chowder!"

1. Three words: Eat the check

 

[Desertwind]

needmorecsi said:
Top Ten Ways To Annoy Your Waiter


10. Eight hour lunch; two dollar tip



7. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, "Minimum wage."

6. Every few seconds, yell, "More waffles, Cuomo."


4. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, "You wouldn't charge Superman for dinner, would you?"

 

[Desertwind]

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE AT A FAKE RODEO

10--"Cowboy hats" look suspiciously likte traffic cones :lol:

9--Big event si dachshund roping

8--It's "Bring You Own Bull" day

7--It only recieves brief coverage on ESPN8 :lol:

6--That competition to see who can stay on Cher the longest

5--"Bull" really just a Whirpool dryer with an uneven load


4--It's owned and operated by the Makeshift Brothers :devil:

3--Bull was bought at discount Bull Outlet-instead of the more respectable Bull world :lol:

2--The Spurs are up 2 games to 0-(sorry, that's a sign you're at a makeshift NBA championship series)

1--Way too many gators

 

[Calihan]

Top Ten Little-Known Perks of Being the "American Idol" Winner

10. If for any reason the Speaker of the House cannot fulfill his duties, it's all yours, Chester!
Ben R., Fairfield, CT

9. Instead of being referred to as "that loser," you're now referred to as "that loser who won 'American Idol'"
Matt J., Louisville, KY

8. Allowed to broadcast MLB without expressed written consent
Tom C., Bedford, TX

7. First choice of countries that America invades next
Mike G., Pembroke, ON

6. Record deal includes Christmas duet CD with Regis
Mark M., Phoenix, AZ

5. You never have to worry about singing in front of large crowds again
Bill W., Morristown, NJ

4. Immediately offered job as head of FEMA
Ed M., Springfield, OH

3. As another semi-talented guy who's slightly famous, you now have a good chance of being a future husband of Britney Spears
Arthur D., Pomfret, CT

2. By next week, no one will bother you any more
Timmy B., Austin, MN

1. Sex with Paula -- oh wait, that's a well-known perk
Cliff J., Newberg

 

[Desertwind]

TOP TEN SUPRISES IN AL GORE'S GLOBAL WARMING MOVIE

10--The role of Al Gore was played by Bruce Willis :lol:

9--During summer months-Al & Tipper host nude barbecues

8--Hilarious outtake of Al Gore saying "Wobal Glarming"

7--It's a musical

6--Refers to Arizona as being "Hotter than Tipper's ass"

5--Claims global warming melted Kenny Rogers face

4--Blames the crisis on a creepy Albino

3--The scientist who supports all his claims is Al Gore in a moustache

2--Best solution is to contribute heavily to Gore-In-2008.com :lol:

1--It felt longer than the Florida recount :lol: