DAVES TOP TEN

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Top Ten Signs Things Are Nuts At The New York Post
-Latest issue's just a bunch of Xeroxed pages from USA Today
-Ran a two page article yesterday on dangers of Y2K
-Articles make ample use of adjective "clammy"
-The editorial urges President Bush to show more skin at press conferences
-The adorable comic strip, "Osama the Menace"


Top Ten Dumb Guy Ways To Spend $315 Million
10. Solid gold pants for the whole family
9. Purchase classic paintings by Shakespeare
8. Get a 13 million year subscription to Time Magazine
7. Hire a team of scientists to make Doritos even Nacho cheesier
6. Upgrade Mount Rushmore so the presidents blink, move their heads, and sing
5. One mother of a supersized cola
4. Buy North and South Carolina. Combine them. Call them Sorth Narolina.
3. Get a nice home, a luxury car, high-quality furniture and clothing, use the remaining money to get wasted
2. Pay people to stop calling you "that dumb guy"
1. Gum
 
Top Ten Little Known Facts About Dick Cheney


10. Has iPod pacemaker that keeps his heart beating to Aerosmith

9. Enjoys reading his grandson excerpts from shady defense contracts

8. First vice president since Mondale to take a leak in the Rose Garden

7. Not sure if this is significant but he was the last to see Don Knotts alive

6. Has a daily 5 o'clock meeting with advisors Jim Beam and Jack Daniel's

5. In 1994, underwent a failed sneer-reduction procedure

4. The second the cameras are off, so are his pants

3. His undisclosed location is a Hooters in San Antonio

2. Loves the elderly -- well, shooting at them

1. His approval rating is now lower than his number of heart attacks


His preferred afternoon snack? Sticks of butter dipped in gravy


Even though it's proper etiquette to call him "Mr. Vice President," more people than ever have been calling him "Dick"


Went to Vegas last month and put a lot of money on "Iraq"


Thinking of sending lesbian daughter to Iraq to crack some skulls


Begins every day with a $50,000 Halliburton kickback


Doesn't want to jinx it, but he thinks he's front-runner to replace Meredith Vieira on "The View"


When he does that little lip curl he thinks he looks like Billy Idol
 
I gots a question 'bout this thread. Is this thread only for Dave's Top Ten Lists or can other top ten lists be posted?
 
Only for Dave's top ten, but if it's another tv show list than you can create a different thread. Or if it's just a random list, i'm sure Misc will suport your needs.
 
Top Ten Signs You've Hired A Bad Easter Bunny


10. Costume is made from rabbits he hit on the interstate

9. Not really a hop -- more of a drug impaired stumble

8. Before kids get candy they have to sit through a presentation about timeshare condos

7. Keeps saying, "Jesus? No doesn't ring a bell..."

6. He's been wearing the suit since November

5. Easter basket is filled with menthol cigarettes

4. Hides five eggs and the body of a drifter

3. He's wearing a yarmulke

2. Tells you for an extra thousand bucks he won't rat you out to the New York Post

1. He disappears for hours with Whitney Houston


Top Ten Signs You've Hired A Bad Easter Bunny, List Extras.

All the eggs seem to be hidden in casinos and strip joints


Your wife just gave birth to a kid with floppy foot-long ears


Uses the words "bitches" and "ho's" more than most bunnies


He meows


You say you like the bunny costume, he replies "What costume?"
 
TOP TEN HILARIOUS PRANKS TO PLAY ON THE IRS

10--Tell an agent he's in charge of auditing the "Gambino" family :mad:

9--Add check-off box that reads 'Do you want $3 to go to hooker fund for lonely IRS agents? :lol:

8--Check box labeled "joint filing" enclose actual joint :eek:

7--Open up competing country with lower taxes-drive IRS out of business :devil:

6--Tell IRS agent you made a $50 "charitable donation" to his wife :p

5--You know that squiggly line people draw through "7's"---draw them through "8's" :D

4--Mail tax return in an envelope with return address "O.J.Simpson" :eek:

3--Call IRS---Ask "Do you have Prince Albert's deductible mortgage interest in a can?" :lol:

2--Fake return from ex President Clinton made out to the "Intern Revenue Service" :rolleyes:

1--The old poorly-grounded-high voltage calculator trick :devil:
 
Top Ten Reasons I Love Being An Accountant


10. CPA training ensures I'm cool in high-pressure situations, like calculating the tip at Applebee's

9. While other poor losers go off to work in jeans and sneakers, I get to wear a suit

8. You haven't lived until you've filled out form 3277

7. What can I say I'm an adrenaline junkie

6. I'm on such good terms with the IRS, I haven't paid taxes since '89

5. I like to lick the envelopes

4. Like the president, I only work one month a year

3. After April 15th, I spend the year eating Pringles and watching rasslin'

2. Women don't expect much in the bedroom

1. I fudge a couple of numbers and the next thing you know they're hauling Letterman's ass off to prison


Top Ten Extra Reasons I Love Being An Accountant

-Honestly, I can't think of a damn thing
-No one gives a crap that I'm all juiced up on steroids
-I got one of those chairs that spins around and around and around and around and around
-Office where I work has free instant soup packets
-After a few drinks, I start getting these mind-blowing ideas for deductions
-The look on a client's face when I tell 'em their ass is gettin' audited
 
The Accountant one- brilliant :lol:

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'VE RENTED A BAD SUMMER HOUSE

10--It's a time-share, and you only have it between 3am and 6am everyday :mad:

9--First floor is accessible only during low tide :eek:

8--"Key" you recieve in the mail looks suspiciously like a large crowbar :D

7--It's 3 miles underground and the government gets to test new medicine on you :confused:

6--Previous owner died a year ago--but he's still in the kitchen :devil:

5--In rental agreement, word "bathroom" always in quotation marks :rolleyes:

4--Instead of "summer house" more accurate to call it "tent in an Arby's parking lot" :eek:

3--Lease stated that the landlord gets to bathe you :eek:

2--Your roomates:: thirty foreign guys in the basement sewing t-shirts :lol:

1--It's not available until the 2nd week in November :(
 
desertwind said:
9--First floor is accessible only during low tide.
Click to expand...

So, that means this house is in New Orleans.


Top Ten Katie Couric Reasons For Coming to CBS

10. Afraid of catching bird flu from NBC Peacock
Ryan W., Howell, NJ

9. Vowed early in her career to crush Bob Schieffer
John H., Indianapolis, IN

8. Finally gets a dressing room without "Willard Scott" smell
Troy R., Chula Vista, CA

7. Tired of Howie Mandel pestering her to make a deal
Kevin S., Toronto, ON

6. Never felt same way about NBC after "Joey" was cancelled
Scott C., Arlington Heights, IL

5. They told her she was replacing Murphy Brown
Jonathan P., South Houston, TX

4. CSI: Couric
Christopher M., Pittsburgh, PA

3. Lost "Today" gig to Meredith Vieira in a card game
Steve C., Shasta Lake, CA

2. The Tiffany Network + "60 Minutes" x perkiness quotient = world domination
Tim M., Elk Grove, CA

1. Tired of being seen by millions of people
Jordan K., Billings, MT
 
TOP TEN FEATURES OF PRESIDENT BUSH'S BIRD FLU PANDEMIC PLAN

10--Hang "Mission Accomplished" sign in every Kentucky Fried Chicken :lol:

9--Torture some Perdue employees until they talk :eek:

8--Scare birds away with giant radioactive kitties :(

7--Be on the lookout for any bird which looks "fluey" :eek:

6--Build wall along border so birds can't walk in from Mexico :D

5--Never leave the house-avoid human contact--like Letterman :confused:

4--Tax cuts for the rich ;)

3--C'mon-, it's a Bush plan---you actually think there's ten items"? :rolleyes:

2--If you see a bird, run like you're being chased by a tiger :lol:

1--Hang on until 2009-when it becomes Hillary's headache :(
 
Top Ten Extra Features Of President Bush's Bird Flu Pandemic Plan

-Add Col. Sanders to the axis of evil
-Any pigeon seen acting "funny" is brought to Gitmo for interrogation
-On-call 24/7 Cheney and his 12 gauge
-Tell Americans everything is fine while secretly making arrangements to escape on rocket ship
-As he does with most big problems, let dad handle it


Top Ten Dr. Kevorkian Tips For a Festive Thanksgiving


10. Not enough chairs at the table? Kill one of the guests.

9. To give your turkey that smokey flavor, leave it in the garage with a car running.

8. A fake severed finger in the stuffing is a sure laugh-getter.

7. Have pumpkin sign an affidavit before you cut it up and make a pie.

6. Watch Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade and look for my new balloon, "Harry The Hypodermic Needle."

5. For fun, point to dozing relative and announce, "I injected her!"

4. Reenact story of the Pilgrims' first assisted suicide.

3. If the turkey is good, describe it as "terminally juicy."

2. At end of meal stand up and proclaim, "We all have the right to diet!"

1. Two words: gravy I.V.
 
needmorecsi said:



Top Ten Katie Couric Reasons For Coming to CBS

10. Afraid of catching bird flu from NBC Peacock
Ryan W., Howell, NJ

9. Vowed early in her career to crush Bob Schieffer
John H., Indianapolis, IN

8. Finally gets a dressing room without "Willard Scott" smell
Troy R., Chula Vista, CA

7. Tired of Howie Mandel pestering her to make a deal
Kevin S., Toronto, ON

6. Never felt same way about NBC after "Joey" was cancelled
Scott C., Arlington Heights, IL

5. They told her she was replacing Murphy Brown
Jonathan P., South Houston, TX

4. CSI: Couric
Christopher M., Pittsburgh, PA

3. Lost "Today" gig to Meredith Vieira in a card game
Steve C., Shasta Lake, CA

2. The Tiffany Network + "60 Minutes" x perkiness quotient = world domination
Tim M., Elk Grove, CA

1. Tired of being seen by millions of people
Jordan K., Billings, MT
Click to expand...

:lol: I was laughing so hard at number ten and then again at number one! LOL!
 
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