DAVES TOP TEN

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TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR KITTY IS NUTS

10--You saw him on Dr. Phil :lol:

9--Wasted three of nines lives on George Foreman Grill mishaps :(

8--When you stroke his belly, he purrs, "mooo!" :lol:

7--The dog is missing and you found a ransom note spelled out in yarn :eek:

6--Was caught sharing bag of catnip with Whitney Houston's cat :(

5--That toy he's playing with is grandpa's ear!! :rolleyes:

4--Calls sports talk radio claming Knicks are about to turn it around :D

3--Fireman are trying to coax you out of a tree :devil:

2--Believes Barry Bonds never used steriods :mad:

1--He neutered himself :lol:

"Don't tell your problems to other people-80% don't care- and the other 20% are glad you have them"
 
TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD DURING GEORGE W. BUSH'S TRIP TO CANCUN

10--Feels great to get away after three straight weeks of work!! :rolleyes:

9--As president of the United states, I pledge to do whatever's necessary to help the Cancunuans!" :lol:

8--Couldnt we have stayed home and gone to Chi-Chi's? ;)

7--Cozumel? Isn't that the chick I made Secretary of State :rolleyes:

6--When do I get to meet Zorro? :D

5--Holy crap, how'd they move these pyramids from Egypt? :rolleyes:

4--I'll have a non-alcoholic pina-colada---just kidding- juice me up Pepe :cool:

3--NAFTA? don't they make auto parts :mad:

2--Secret Service! he's choking on a nacho :lol:

1--Once you get a little buzz going, my poll numbers don't look so bad!!! :rolleyes:
 
The Extras from the Cancun list:


Top Ten Things Overheard During George W. Bush's Trip To Cancun


"Let's see if he can pronounce 'Chimichanga'"


"Sorry Mr. Vice President, the wet t-shirt contest is only for women"


"Mr. President, it is hard to take you seriously with that giant sombrero"


"After I meet with Vicente Fox, I want to meet with Jose Cuervo"


"Why does that guy keep pointing at me and yelling 'Idiota?'"
 
TOP TEN WAYS BARRY BONDS CAN IMPROVE HIS IMAGE

10--Lucky fan gets to inject him in the ass :devil:

9--Develop an exit strategy for Iraq :mad:

8--Start an erotic blog ;)

7--Change name to Barry the Cable Guy :rolleyes:

6--Open retail chain--Big Tall & "Roidy" :(

5--Star in one of them "We Have 15 Kids" movies with Bonnie Hunt :lol:

4--For every homer he hits-donate 500 bucks to the good people of Balco :eek:

3--Auction autographed syringes on eBay :devil:

2--Switch from steroids to hookers to become like loveable Babe Ruth :confused:

1--For the love of God, give some ot them "roids" to the Knicks!!! :D

The Punch Line
'Bill Clinton says that his gut is telling him that America is ready for a woman president in 2008! That's not your gut telling you that"
David Letterman
 
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE AT A BAD CASINO

10--Your full house loses to the dealer's six-of-a-kind :D

9--They're playing "Will It Float" in the lobby with a bag of fertilizer :eek:

8--There's a high-stakes table, a low-stakes table, and a kids table :confused:

7--Has strict no-gambling policy :mad:

6--Advertised that its slots are "almost as loose as your wife" :p

5--Free buffet is all-you-can-eat lemon wedges :rolleyes:

4--One spin of roulette wheel lasts 7 to 10 days :lol:

3--Their big headliner~~~ The withered corpse of Mel Torme :(

2--No Rat Pack, but ther are packs of rats :(

1--It has the word "TRUMP" in the name :D :lol: :devil:

"Depression hits losers the heardest" :(
David Letterman
 
Top Ten Good Things About Living In A Really Small Town


10. If you get a busy signal, you can just yell out the window, "Get off your damn phone!"

9. No chance those whiny punks from MTV's "The Real World" will move in.

8. It takes Domino's over seven hours to get here, so the pizza's always free.

7. We only had sixteen muggings last year!

6. The mayor has no staff, which means he won't be getting in trouble with any interns.

5. You can walk around naked on your property, and the worst that can happen is nine people will see you.

4. If your wife gets flowers from some guy named Roger, you have a pretty good idea which Roger it is.

3. It's so safe, people leave their doors unlocked--which makes it easy for me to steal stuff.

2. If you open a burger stand, you can make your slogan "Best Burgers In Town" even if they really suck.

1. Just one speeding ticket issued to Dave Letterman can double the town budget.


Top Ten Ways To Get a Dumb Guy's Vote


10. Campaign outside the Jerry Springer studio

9. Wear a fake beard and claim you're "the dude on the penny"

8. Promise to repeal all those invasive laws against eating paint

7. Legally change name to "salty snacks" -- dumb guys love salty snacks

6. Tell him you don't have time to explain, but if you're elected he gets to have sex with Meg Ryan

5. Convince him the stuff you did with Monica was not really sex

4. Promise to make tying your shoelaces 25% easier

3. Just say, "I'm counting on your support, Mr. Letterman"

2. Offer him a job in your administration as Secretary of Beer

1. Your slogan: "Me am good!"
 
Top Ten Things Overheard at the Jackie Onassis Auction


10. Do I hear $2 million for this stack of wrestling magazines?

9. Those high heels were worn by both Jackie and J. Edgar Hoover

8. Sure it's an official White House napkin -- they just called it 'White Castle' back then

7. Oh my God! It's the undershirt he wore in 'Airport '77!' (I'm sorry -- that was overheard at the George Kennedy auction.)

6. Looks like Ted Kennedy's bidding on a coupla hookers

5. I wish Oliver Stone would shut up about his 'second auctioneer' theory

4. There's a guy outside selling JFK's Rolexes for $20 bucks

3. The engagement ring? Big deal -- I just bought Letterman's rake

2. I knew Jack Kennedy's pet monkey. Jack Kennedy's pet monkey was a friend of mine. And that, sir, is not Jack Kennedy's pet monkey

1. Sorry, President Clinton -- his little black book is not for sale
 
:D :D :D :D really funny-both ot the ones you posted-

TOP TEN WAYS TO MAKE DOING YOUR TAXES MORE FUN

10--Do em' naked :eek:

9--Instead of restuarant recepits, send them leftovers from the meal in question :lol:

8--Frequent use of the word "eleventeen" :rolleyes:

7--Claim a deduction, do a shot!!! :devil:

6--In "For Office use Only" area write "Approved Send refund immediatley" :lol:

5--Apply a long-term capital gain rate of 20% to a mutual fund, do a shot!!! :p

4--Sneeze on forms :mad:

3--Instead of using dated definition of income, use the proposed revised definition under section 643 (B) in which conforming amendments are made to regulations affecting ordinary trusts, pooled income fnds, charitable remainder trusts, trusts that qualify for the gift and estate tax martial deduction, and trusts that are exempt from generation-skipping transfer taxes---that always puts a smile on my face :D :(

2--Deduct $100 in medical expenses for all the paper cuts you suffer because tax form 75 is too damn long :(

1--Audit yourself-if you know what I mean :D
 
Top Ten President Clinton Screen Names


10. PuffyDaddy

9. Luv2Lie

8. BiteMeKen

7. FirstStud

6. ImpeachMe

5. Al-Gore

4. 2Slick4U

3. Who'sHillary?

2. InternDFlower

1. SpockRules
 
:D :D :D

TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR BASEBALL ANTHEMS

10--"Take Me Out To The Coporate-Sponsored Megaplex" :lol:

9--Scratch My Groin For The Cameras :eek:.

8--Trade me Off to Toronto :mad:

7--Buy Me Some Expensive Counterfeit Sports Memorabilla :(

6--Why's My Girlfriend Kissing Jeter? :p

5--Puffy Shoots-Shoots-Shoots At The Night Club! :confused:

4--My Ass Looks Slimmer in Pinstripes :D

3--Let's Root-Root-Root for the Cubbies-If They Don't Win---Actually It Won't be A Big Suprise :(

2--Sex Is Fun At The Ballpark-Buck Naked In The Stands :eek:

1--For It's One-Two Strikes You're Out "Cuz The Ump Is A Drunk!! :lol:
 
TOP TEN THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR IN A FAST-FOOD RESTAURANT

10--Welcome to Burger King, I'm Pepe, the Burger Prince, may I take your order :rolleyes:

9--Did you want to eat here, or are we going back to your place? :lol:

8--Cheesburger-French Fries and Coke>>> $94 bucks :eek:

7--You know that Subway guy Jared? I;ve got him out in the trunk of my car :mad:

6--I personally check the quality of everything I sell :confused:

5--The onion rings are laughing at me :D

4--Here's your food-and here's the name of a gastroenterologist :confused:

3--I just ate the toy from the kids meal and I don't feel so good :eek:

2--Don't bother me-I'm on my lunch break :lol:

1--Employees must wash their hands>>>>PLEASE???? :(
 
desertwind said:
TOP TEN THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR IN A FAST-FOOD RESTAURANT
7--You know that Subway guy Jared? I;ve got him out in the trunk of my car :mad:
Click to expand...

Finally some good news :rolleyes:


Top Ten Ways New Yorkers Are Celebrating Spring

10. Finding a new place to hide the body now that the snowman has melted.
Dave R., Farmington, MN

9. Cabbies switching to their flower print turbans.
Gene B., Lisbon, ME

8. Chalk body outlines on the sidewalk are in pastel colors.
Bill S., Goliad, TX

7. Head to Central Park for annual Easter egg hunt and coyote hunt.
Ed S., New Milford, NJ

6. Watching the annual oil change in the Hello Deli deep fat fryers.
Mike M., Somers, CT

5. Fingers are finally thawed out enough to start pickpocketing again.
Norman O., Winchester, KY

4. Muggers giving flowers to tourists with over $200 in cash in their wallets.
Marc S., Ottawa, Ontario

3. Same way they celebrate summer, fall and winter -- hookers!
Grant C., Manila, Phillipines

2. Annual raking and fertilizing of Donald Trump's hair.
Steve B., Mount Morris, IL

1. Airing out Regis.
Missy J., Mount Sterling, KY
 
TOP TEN WAYS TO MAKE RELIGIOUS HISTORY MORE ENTERTAINING

10--New chapter of the Bible--'The Book of Regis" :lol:

9--Instead of parting the Red Sea, Moses drives a ford pickup into a Red Lobster :eek:

8--After David slays Goliath, he is elected Governor of Minnesota :rolleyes:

7--Each psalm, has to include the word "jiggy" :confused:

6--Lord is asked to perform greatest miracle---get the Knicks in the playoffs :D

5--At the end of the Jonah and the whale astory-Roy Sceider blows up the whale using pressurized oxygen :eek:

4--All new Book of Genesis explains why they've sucked since Peter Gabirel left :(

3--The Book of Judges exopanded to include Koch and Judy :lol:

2--Epic new film--"The Ten Commandments Broken by Daryl Strawberry " :devil:

1--Scratch 'n' sniff plagues of Egypt :D
 
TOP TEN SIGNS THINGS ARE NUTS AT THE NEW YORK POST

10--Today's headline ? '"Waffles is Tasty" :p


9--Home deliveries now include something called a "Kickback Envelope" :eek:

8--Real estate section lists properties available in Islmabad :mad:

7--Film critic gave "Basic Instinct 2" four stars :rolleyes:

6--Replaced "Garfield" with cheap Mexican knockoff "Senior Kitty" :lol:

5--88 pages-no punctuation :confused:

4--Every answer in crossword puzzle is "burrito" :cool:

3--They've actually started checking facts :D

2--Reporters are taking more bribes than Tom Delay :devil:

1--They predict the Knicks will win it all next year :rolleyes: :D

The Punch Line
Osama bin Laden-- I'm even surprised you havent caught me"
David Letterman :lol:
 
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