DAVES TOP TEN

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TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR DOCTOR IS DRUNK :D

10--Sterlizes his instruments with Cuervo :lol:

9--Before him is a tray of gauze-cotton swabs and green olives :lol:

8--Giggles everytime he asks for suction :eek:

7--Climbs into the MRI machine with you :D :D :D

6--As you go under-your hear the words "amputate" and "head" :eek:

5--Left a pack of Camels in your chest cavity :mad:

4--While listening to the heart monitor-says "SHHHH-I love this song" :cool:

3--Checks your reflexes by hurling a beer nut at your face :rolleyes:

2--Brags he was Slobodan Milosevics guy :(

1--After checking your hernia-says now you do me :lol:
 
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR NEIGHBOR IS BATMAN

10--Always complaining about "rubber suit rash" :lol:

9--Whe you mention Superman-he rolls his eyes and mutters "panty-waist" :mad:

8--His teenage son drove to the prom in the Batmobile ;)

7--Is re-roofing his house to fix loose shingles and grappling hook damage :eek:

6--Who's banging on his door at 2 am-but an angry Catwoman :(

5--His parents names are Carl & Linda Batman :lol:

4--You hear him on the phone asking J.Crew if they carry seersucker cowls :D

3--On Thanksgiving- you see the Green Lanturn J-E-L-L-O mold???

2--When he goes on vacation- asks if you'll water his plants and grease his bat-pole :eek:

1--He's a recluse in a weird outfit with a young sidekick-oh, sorry, that's a sign your neighbor is Michael jackson :D :lol:
 
desertwind said:

1--He's a recluse in a weird outfit with a young sidekick-oh, sorry, that's a sign your neighbor is Michael jackson :D :lol:
Click to expand...

^^ That one's great!! Makes my extremely weird neighbors who meow like cats seem almost ... normal ... nah, maybe not! :lol:
 
TOP TEN THINGS THAT WILL GET YOU KICKED OUT OF IRAQ

10--Replacing giant of Saddam with mural of you :lol:

9--Addressing all of the officers as Cap 'n Crunch :lol:

8--Teaching captured Iraqi soilders to sing Kenny Rogers ballads :lol:

7--Giving precise coordinates of Wolf Blitzers beard??? (don't get this one)

6--Closing each report with "bless Saddam- may he come back and reign for a 1000 years" :devil:

5--Distribute flyers on how to save on car insurance by switching to Geico :eek:

4--Senior officer asks to see you a 0400 hrs and you show up 400 hrs late :(

3--Your name is Geraldo Rivera :lol:

2--Your name is Saddam Hussein :devil:

1--Bringing your videophone in the shower :rolleyes:
 
TOP TEN REASONS DICK CHENEY WON'T RESIGN

10--Trying to fix up Condi Rice with his daughter :eek:

9--Turns out when you shoot somebody-if you're not the VP-you gotta do time :devil:

8--Bush leaves at 2-everyday-& then it's Margaritas & Fritos :p

7--Set the solitare high score on his office computer :lol:

6--Wants to see if he can help Bush get his approval rating under 10 :rolleyes:

5--Too hare to give up his VP discount at D.C. Sam Goody's stores :D

4--Wants to stay on the job until every country in the world hates us :mad:

3--Extra-zappy White House defilbrillators :eek:

2--Undiscolsed location has football and whores :devil:

1--Why quit when every things going so well :D :D :D
 
TOP TEN THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR AT T.G.I. FRIDAYS

10--Would you like a monkey waiter :eek:

9--This is my parole oficer- would you tell him, I'm doing a good job :devil:

8--So this is the guy you dimped me for :rolleyes:

7--Hey sorry I just sneezed on your Philly cheestake :(

6--I used to be a Hooters girl :p

5--Don't order the crab cakes :eek:

4--I want to thank god it's Friday :lol:

3--Can I recommend our lo-fat salad-Tubby :(

2--If you don't tip me 18% I'll break your legs :eek:

1--Bin-Laden-!!! party of two- your table is ready :devil: :( :mad:
 
Top Ten Signs You're On A Lame Spring Break


10. Your hotel room offers a breathtaking view of the Persian Gulf

9. The package is 5 days, 2 nights

8. Closest thing you get to a sunburn is a rash from the hotel linens

7. Instead of a wet t-shirt contest, there's a less satisfying "wet hat" contest

6. Limbo stick looks an awful lot like a human femur

5. Difference between the presidential suite and a regular room? Free Q-Tips

4. Ask where to take a swim, the concierge suggests mall fountain

3. The bed in your room is not a water bed but it's awfully damp

2. Conga line ends at Scientology Center

1. Most action you got was when mom kissed you goodbye

Instead of tiny umbrella in your drink, there's a severed finger

Let's just say the hottest "girl" there has an artificial hip

Everyone on the beach is wearing Hazmat suits

The sign at the concierge reads: "Watch out for black market organ thieves and enjoy your stay!"

Only thing in minibar is medicine for asbestos poisoning


Top Ten Signs You've Been Living With Your Parents Too Long

10. They withold Social Security from your allowance
Robin F., Harvard, MA

9. You notice that "old person smell" but it's coming from your room
Bob B., Indianapolis, IN

8. You have to explain to your children that you can't take them to the zoo today because you're grounded
Jorge M., Toronto, ON

7. The annual "growth chart" marks on the hallway door indicate you are getting shorter
Nelson S., Torrance, CA

6. The blue of your Smurf sheets match your vericose veins
Phyllis R., E. Fallowfield, PA

5. You were grounded for drinking the last can of Ensure
Phil C., Imro, SC

4. You excitedly beg your mom to buy that new cereal, the one with the high fiber
Joe D., Philadelphia, PA

3. Stopped stealing their liquor; started stealing their Lipitor
Jim W., Hopkins, SC

2. Last night you were grounded because you stayed out too late with your wife
Eric W., Morganton, NC

1. You can't go to Vegas until you eat all your vegetables
Michael H., Los Angeles, CA
 
TOP TEN REASONS DUMB GUYS THINK WE TURN THE CLOCKS BACK

10--I'ts got something to do with the metric system :rolleyes:

9--To make it impossible for Dominos to deliver in under 30 minutes :lol:

8--It's got something to do with the drought :confused:

7--Duh,-Hello!! we turn the clocks back everynight :D

6--Like the old saying goes- "spring forward-starve a fever" :cool:

5--It was the last wish of Milton Berle :eek:

4--Another case of the man trying to wreck our weekend-dude!! :lol:

3--Dunno :(

2--What???-we turn the clocks back :eek:

1--Dick Cheney saw his shadow :D :lol:
 
TOP TEN PRESIDENT BUSH EXCUSES FOR NOT FINDING WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION :eek:

10--"We've only looked through 99% of the country" :(

9--"We spent our entire budget making those playing cards" :rolleyes:

8--"Containers are labeled in some crazy language" :lol:

7--"They must have been stolen by some of them evil X-men mutants :mad:

6--"Di I say Iraq has weapons of mass destruction? I meant they have goats" :confused:

5--"How are we supposed to find weapons of mass destruction whne we can't even find Cheney" :devil:

4--"Still screwed up because of Daylight Savings Time" :lol:

3--"When you're trying to find something, it's always in the last place you look, amd I right people"? :confused:

2--"Lets face it--I aain't excatly a genius" :D

1--"Geraldo took them :D :lol:
 
desertwind said:
TOP TEN PRESIDENT BUSH EXCUSES FOR NOT FINDING WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION

9--"We spent our entire budget making those playing cards"
7--"They must have been stolen by some of them evil X-men mutants
2--"Lets face it--I aain't excatly a genius"
1--"Geraldo took them
Click to expand...

9-I still have my deck from when the war started.
7-Whatever you Say Mr. President
2-
No Shit Sherlock
1-Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuure
 
TOP TEN CIRCUS CLOWN PICKUP LINES

10--You know what they say about guys with comicaly large shoes :eek:

9--Are you ready for the second greatest show on earth :devil:

8--How would you like to be Mrs. Jingles for a night :eek:

7--Wanna go for a drive with me and forty of my friends :lol:

6--Would you help me remove my greaspaint from some hard-to-reach places :rolleyes:

5--How'd you like too see the big top? :D

4--Don't waste your time with the strong man---the steroids made him impotent :(

3--You know the old saying--'Once you've had a clown-you'll never turn around" :D

2--Two things on me honk :D :lol:

1--I once met Steve Ringling :lol: :lol: :lol:
 
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