CSI Fan Fiction Critique Group.

Haha, just on here checking things and then I realized I had a critique to write, and I hope my internet connection doesn’t die on me again while I’m doing it :(


TQ: What genre of story do you most often write? What genre do you most often look for to read? What makes you choose those genres?

I tend to be writing a lot of angst these days, and that’s probably because it comes easier to me than say a romantic story. I don’t know why though. I’ve written a couple of fluffy romance stories and they were difficult for me to write. Haha I suppose I just like making the characters suffer.

As for what I read, I tend to read a lot of angst too, but it all depends on who’s writing it. If say a certain author who I like, who’s known for writing angst writes something fluffy I’ll read it. Same goes if the summary is really good. If I’m in the right mood, I’ll read almost anything though, with the exception of crossovers (and I’m sure there’s some good ones out there) because I don’t really like them.

Critique:

Ahh Jodie what can I say? You should write fluff more often. This was simply wonderful :)

I know you had elements to work into this but, they flowed so well with the story it didn’t feel like your wrote the fic around the elements, rather the elements just fitted nicely into the story. (I personally find that really hard to do so thumbs u from me :D )

I like that, even though this is fluffy, there’s a teeny bit of angst with Calleigh and the whole Valentines Day issue. It’s a blink and you’ll miss it bit of angst, but it definitely belongs and helps carry the story forward.

And jealous Calleigh :), I like jealous Calleigh. The part with Eric talking about ‘Crystal’ was probably my favorite bit of the whole story (actually made me doubly smile because it reminded me of a JAG episode with Harm and his plane Sarah…haha and we go back to the right show now). I could just imagine that little scene between the two of them.

I also liked how you made Calleigh a little…vulnerable (I don’t know if that’s the right word :S) with getting in the water, it’s nice to remind us she’s not superwoman and has her own little flaws she has to deal with, and plus you got the chance to show Eric being all caring and sweet :)

Poor Eric, haha bearing the brunt of the injuries in this fic, but the first time I read this I viewed it as being rather symbolic (which later was confirmed in the last paragraph ‘She’d hurt him enough, both physically and emotionally, now all she wanted was to soothe away all the hurt she’d caused’ I was sort of thinking about that before I’d even read it, and about how he’s willing to give so much to her, yet she keeps pushing him away. (and I read too much into things, but I want you to know I think it’s great :D)
Another tiny bit of angst here too, ‘You seem to like hurting me Cal.’ I can see how she may have taken that comment and it links to what I just said. The slight shift in mood was well placed, and gave the story another dimension to think about.

The ending was brilliant, it wasn’t an over the top, screaming from the rooftops ‘I love you’ kinda thing, but you can tell with this story that they do love each other, and they don’t have to make a song and dance out of it. It was a tender and sweet moment and timed just perfectly as well. It didn’t come too quickly nor was the story dragged out at all.

Err, things to improve…
…
… I can’t really see anything to criticize, the characterization was spot on as usual :) and everything seems to be good grammar wise. I may have spotted a spelling mistake but I can’t remember where it is, so I’ll leave it at that :)

I really enjoyed this story :)

--Am I getting my critique in first this week? Wow :p
 
When I first started writing, I thought I was going to be a fluffy, sickly sweet authoress, mainly because that was how I saw myself as a writer. And my (really bad) first story only served as proof of my theory. Then I went on to write another story, and it all just went down the path to angst. I basically put the characters through enough hell it would drive even the most level headed person insane.

The pattern didn’t really stop when I started writing my third story, the one that was critiqued. Honestly, starting it off the way I did made me want to kill myself (kidding). Then, between chapters five and six of that story, I wrote a very fluffy Valentine’s Day story… but what else do you expect from a V-Day story? (I guess that explains why the story we’re critiquing is fluffy, and not the usual angst we expect from Adorelo)

And then came Irony, my most recent story. The only way I was able to describe it to my friends was OMG SUICIDAL ANGST! I was crying as I wrote it because of something tragic that had just happened at my old high school. It was basically what I was feeling at the time, so I couldn’t say that I didn’t expect what I came out with.

Anyway, what’s the rest of the TQ supposed to be about? Oh, right, the types of genres I look for to read. Gotcha. Um… that’s a toughie. I usually read angst, humor, romance, friendship, stuff along those lines. It depends on my mood. And by that I mean, if I’m depressed, I read angst, if I’m happy, I read humor, and if I’m… well, ahem… I think you know where I’m going with this. *blush*

*Critique*
Okay, I think I’m going to start off with the good again. I really liked how you did this story, considering how it wasn’t the genre you usually do. You pulled off fluffy better than most, and in a way this still kept a little angst by the way you phrased certain sentences. It was a beautifully written piece all around, and the way it was written kept me reading.

Now, on to specific reasons why I thought this story was well done. When Calleigh spills the hot coffee on Eric, I started giggling. I was somehow able to find her putting him in pain funny. I know, I’m a sadistic freak, so sue me! It was just how he acted afterwards that really had me laughing though.

The next thing that I thought was great was whiny Eric. You didn’t keep it around too long, which was great. However, while he was a little whiny, I found it very endearing, even if it may have been slightly out of character. But it wasn’t too bad. The way Calleigh responded, however, was very in character and made up for the very brief lapse in characterization.

Also, I found that the playful mockery that you put between Eric and Calleigh was very in character as well, and it was a nice thing to include in your story. I haven’t seen many episodes of Miami, but I do know that they have done that, but they didn’t do it nearly enough. It was very refreshing to see that in this story.

Something that I found absolutely terrific was when she had a momentary brain lapse about ‘Crystal’, Eric’s boat. The fact that she became jealous, thinking it was one of his girlfriends, was very real. And when she went so far to (I believe) purposely goof up the name had somehow left me in hysterics. When he confronted her about it, my laughter died out, because I felt embarrassed along with her.

When he asks her to join him on the boat trip, I thought the hesitation she had was dead on. She didn’t just immediately say yes, but had in fact thought about it. The inner battle she was having with her feelings for him was all too real, and you could really see her feeling that way on the show, too.

Alright, when you switched to Eric’s point of view in the second scene of the story, I was very happy with what you did. You used it as an opportunity to reveal his ulterior motives: that, unbeknownst to Calleigh, this was, in fact, being considered a date by him. I found myself giggling because of it. I also like how you kept that friendly atmosphere that usually accompanies the two of them when they are together. It was very satisfying to see two people who are normally comfortable around each other suddenly become awkward in a familiar situation (guilty as charged).

Oh, my favorite scene by far was probably Eric’s reaction to Calleigh applying her sunscreen. When I read “He couldn’t look at that for too long” I fell off of my bed laughing. The hidden message behind those eight words had me blushing, as well. And when he was watching her afterwards, the way you described her from his point of view was absolutely beautiful. You kept it clean and tasteful. You made it clear that not every man looks at a woman as an object, and I respect that. The way you described his admiration for pretty much every move she makes and everything she does was also quite perfect.

You had me shifting uncomfortably when you brought in that slimy thing. I hate going into the ocean because I think that something gross is going to pull me under. Whenever something slimy touches my skin, I yelp and run for land, so I found Calleigh’s reaction totally believable.

This is a good thing, I swear. How could you let Calleigh hurt Eric so much! The poor guy couldn’t catch a break. That only served to further sate my sadistic nature. *evil grin*

I found their moment absolutely perfect. There wasn’t a single thing I would change about it, and I wish I were able to write something so wonderfully chill inducing. And, of course, the ending was just wonderful. A happy ending is always something I look for, and you didn’t fail to give me what I wanted.

Wow, this critique isn’t done yet? I guess not, because this is where I point out the bad. *sigh* I hate this part, but it must be done, otherwise I’m just gushing.

Alright, I thought the story flowed very well, but there is a minor need for improvement when it comes to sentence structure. There was nothing too ghastly, but instead of just giving vague insight into where you went wrong, I will simply quote your story and tell you what I think could have been changed or suggest revised sentences or whatever underneath (what am I, an English teacher?).

"A great way to spend Valentine’s day, but she wasn’t complaing, not really.”
Yes, I am only pointing out a very minor typo. ‘Complaing’ should be ‘complaining’. That is all.

“’No point us both moping around.’” – said by Eric
It may just be me, but it didn’t sound exactly right. Making it ‘No point in us both moping around’ may help. But, as I said, it may just be me.

“’I just came in to fax though some evidence.’” – said by Eric
I think that ‘though’ was meant to be ‘through’. It seems like that would make sense.

“It didn’t smell like Calleigh’s place normally smelled.”
The sentence didn’t really flow right in my opinion. I suggest changing it to ‘It didn’t carry the smell that was the norm in Calleigh’s place’ or something less old English, come I’m like that.

“She knew immediately, turned to see Eric fly backwards.”
It could be ‘She knew what she had done immediately and turned to see Eric fly backwards’.

“Her cheat pressed against his stomach, a hand on his chest the other still caught in his.”
Alright, I’m just going to tell you what I think this sentence should look like… hopefully all this sentence changing isn’t insulting you. Anyway, this is what I think it should be: ‘Her chest was pressed up against his stomach. She moved a hand up to rest on his chest, the other hand still caught in his.’

Anyway, this was one of the sweetest stories I’ve ever read, and I’m in awe at the fact that I’m saying that about one of your stories. I’ll definitely be reading it again when I need an upper.
 
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Critique:

So I was eager to feature this story the moment you mentioned to me that you were going to be writing fluff. I was like, "that's going to be good." I wasn't wrong! Everything I've ever read from you was wonderful and again this was no exception.

What I liked? I actually liked that this was fluff. I'm so used to reading angst that I never figured I'd be into fluff again. I was though, it's a nice change from the norm. I guess this was still a bit angsty but for the most part everyone got to be happy. It's so rare in all of the stories that I read recently. Unrequited love seems to be the theme of almost everything I read lately and I just loved that this was a fluffy, happy, alternative.

Also I think I liked that this story was told in sections. If you remember back to one of the first ever TQ's I ever wrote I questioned the use of sectioning. At the time I felt very strongly that it took away from the overall effect of the story. After reading several other opinions of sectioning my view started to change. Now, I actually think I like it. Well, I do. Yay for the FCG changing my mind about something. Sectioning gives you the ability to tell more story in fewer words, there's nothing wrong with that.

There were some things you could change. A few places where words seemed off or missing but that's fully expected in fanfiction. Nobody's perfect. Nobody, no matter how seasoned, writes a "flawless" piece. (Yes I STILL have a big head about that word being used to critique my Critique By Challenge Fic. I know that was untrue, but I so loved hearing it.) Still nothing was so bad it made me want to pull my hair out. The minor errors didn't subtract from the story in the least. I know you must be laughing at me and my

TQ:
I actually write a lot of genres but the only ones I'm even the slightest bit good at is angst. Amanda said something about expecting fluff out of a Valentine's day piece, I'd like to direct her to my NY v-day piece. Angst central. There's just something about writing a piece that makes people want to cry that turns me on. Well, not really, but I do enjoy me some angst. I guess the writing of it has a cathartic effect on me.

I'll read anything though. Especially if it is something that was written by one of my friends. Though I'm horrible about reviewing I can honestly say that I have read almost all of the stories put out there by people I like. :) Trust me if you're reading this, I like you. The exceptions to what I read usually fall with 'ships that I can't stand. CatNip for one. Grillows, also. And Swarrick. (Notice a trend?) I also have a deep dislike for several slash 'ships. The most notable of the 'slash I don't like is Nick/Greg. Not because of a deep rooted love of either character or either actor that portrays them. I just really don't think they'd be into each other even if they were both homosexual. A notable slash 'ship I will read is Greg/Archie though. I once read a fic that outlined their relationship so well I couldn't help but start to sliently 'ship them. Still, I hold hopes in my heart that Archie will belong to me someday.


Note:

You guys get to think about something and anyone who responds with an opinion by tomorrow gets to have say in how this goes down! Yay. There are 2 or 3 fanfics I'd like to feature tomorrow. One of which is the only fic posted under username "writingwillows" at ff.net. To be honest, I wrote that fic. The catch is that it is VERY dark. I want to know how you all feel about critiquing somehing so uh... sick? I just have an odd desire to see how people feel about it. Also, I realize I don't like featuring my own work. (Makes me feel selfish because I'm the one making the decision) So let me know what you think.

I'm going to PM jodie and ask her to help me decide between the other two just so I'm prepared if you all think posting that fic is a bad idea.

Note 2:

CalleighD will you please PM me ASAP? Something I wanna ask you and you can't recieve PM's, thanks darling.
 
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All righty then. I have responses but, until I get my head around the new quoting, I'll do it like this :guffaw:. Love the new smilies by the way.

Comments on spelling:

Yup, I made a lot of mistakes haha. it was a challenge fic and,me being me, I got it in last minuet. I never got a chance to edit it. But I will. Just some of my other fics are a gazillion times worse :eek:.

Comments on Sentence Structure:

I really get what you mean. I few times, I read though it and was like 'that doesn't flow' but I was on a deadline and decided to go back to it once I'd finished. When I did, I'd read it too much and nothing was making sense. I'll keep what you said in mind when I go back and edit though :)

Other random comments:

LeAnne honey, you got me. Calleigh hurting Eric physically a lot was supposed to be a metaphor of sorts. A euphemism. The comments like 'you seem to like hurting me' were intended to highlight that. I'm glad you noticed haha. You are lke me, read really deeply into things :thumbsup:. We're cool.

LLK? PM me and I'll help haha.

Thanks for the comments guys. Very useful and I'll take them all on board.
 
New featured fic time go!

CSI Critique Fanfiction #19: CSI Crime Scene Investigation. Sara Sidle, “Horrors” By: lostladyknight

***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ****** *****

TQ: Last time we taked about how we choose genres. This time I want to know some of your tactics about writing different genres. What elements and common devices do you employ with each genre?

***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ******

Please review this fic by this saturday.

New featured fic will be featured on Sunday, January 16th, 2008
 
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TQ: I blame my utter boredom for my punctuality at the moment. I've been out of town the last few days, staying with my older brother William and his family for his birthday. Anyway, I've been so occupied with the most adorable two year old that I haven't been online much at all. Still right now I'm the only one up and since I don't know how to work the TV and it's on full blast in the living room, where I'm supposed to sleep tonight, I figured I might as well drop by and finish this up.

So, what devices do I employ when writing different genres? Well, this could either be tough for me to answer or very easy. Let's see, shall we? As I admitted earlier most of my writing centers in the angst area of things and that's very true. I am just more natural and comfortable writing for that genre so I think I'll focus on that a while.

One thing I know I do a lot is employ the use of weather as a symbol of the feelings and emotions the characters are going through. If you remember my challenge fic "Frozen" the entire thing was set outside while it was snowing. Granted the line "It's snowing" was a requirement for the fic, but I didn't have to take it the way I did. The snow was my way of giving the readers a visual idea of what Danny was going through at the time. Besides I really liked using it to give the recurring idea that he had an addiction to the pain it caused him to breathe the cold air. Snow is also prevelant in the fic I have featured this week. I'm not saying that snow's the only weather I use, just those are two examples.

Another thing I do frequently is cause my charcters some sort of physical pain. In a chapter of "Elaborate Lives" my OC was at the hospital because her son's leukemia had relapsed (I know I'm horrible). While she was there she started to see that Nick was pretty special. Well I physically manifested the guilt she was feeling by having her hit her head, uncomfortably hard, against a brick wall when she was trying to pull away from Nick kissing her. I just like accentuating the emotional pain I'm putting my characters through with other elements.

I can't give too much info on writing happy characters though. I don't do that too often.
 
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Hi folks, good to be back with y'all again. Just about got over the jet lag, and almost raring to go!!

TQ: Last time we talked about how we choose genres. This time I want to know some of your tactics about writing different genres. What elements and common devices do you employ with each genre?

This is a difficult question for me to answer, as I’ve only written two proper FF stories so far! One is a long one that I’ve nearly finished (at last!) that’s kind of angsty but mushy too, and the other was a short fluffy one in response to a FF challenge. I don’t think I’ve used any particular ‘tactics’ for writing; for both of them, an idea came to me and I just started writing and let it grow from there. I also find it quite difficult to decided what genre a story is, because I tend to put bits of all sorts in the mix – whatever occurs to me and seems to fit in with the storyline, really. Maybe when I’ve written a few more, I might see some kind of pattern emerging, but right now – I think my biggest fear is that, having finally written my "big" story, I won’t be able to think of anything else to write in any genre ever again!! :wtf:


Critique: Horrors

I liked this story, in a weird kind of way! When I read LLK’s comments on it before it was chosen for critiquing, and read the AN at the beginning, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to read it, but once I started, I felt a strange fascination with the characters and couldn’t leave it until it reached a conclusion.

Sara has never been one of my favourite characters – she comes across as way too whiney and self-centred – and I think I like her even less now! Now, I’ve never been in a situation like hers, so I guess it’s easy for me to say that I think she must be pretty stupid! I mean, knowing – and hating – what alcohol had done to their mother, Sara and her brother sit around drinking; and then when the two of them have a great big stick for hitting things with, neither of them takes a swing at their mother!! But like I said, I’ve never had to deal with a situation like this myself...

I must admit too that I found some bits quite funny, although I’m not sure they were meant to be! For instance, talking about their mom’s drinking while playing “Gin” and, after the two of them have beaten their dad senseless with a big stick, Sara asks him “Are you OK”!! :guffaw:Maybe it’s just my weird sense of humour.

One thing I think worked really well was the way you referred throughout the story to the love-hate feelings that the kids had for their parents, and particularly their mother: “from time to time she was absolutely sure she hated both of her parents” but then they “couldn’t help but love both of their parents very deeply”. I think you got the idea of this conflict across really well.

I know I’ve told you before how wonderful your writing is, but this one – well, there were spelling mistakes, and some words didn’t seem to quite fit properly (which I really tried to ignore, because I know it’s irritating, but in my work I proof-read texts for publication, so I tend to pick up on these things). But apart from that, and the fact that I still can’t stand Sara – good story! Dark, creepy - but good!

Leni
 
Thanks for the critique Marymag! And welcome back!

I know there are some considerable grammar and spelling errors. I haven't been at a PC with a way of fixing them all week because I'm at my brother's house. Otherwise I would have already. I've read it 3 or 4 times this week and kept staring at all of the mistakes. Ucky!

As for what you said about thinking that they were stupid. Finding it funny that they behaved the way they did. They were children who had been brought up in a violent enviornment and who were being threatened with a gun in their faces. I guess I figured neither one of them would be feeling overly brave. I guess I figured that kids wouldn't fight back, especially if they had grown up in a home like that one. I intended to imply that episodes like that one were a regular thing in that household. It's still interesting to see another prespective on how people believe things like that should/would have gone down.

And yeah the idea that they both loved and hated their parents was something I'd been talking with a friend about as I wrote that story and was something I wanted to express in it. Having come from an abusive home I know that even now, ten year later, I still struggle with wondering if I love or hate my parents.

Anyway just thought I'd kinda talk a little about what you said in your critique. Not trying to tell you you're wrong or anything. Just... uh... addressing the things you brought up. (I always feel like I'm being defensive if I comment on someone's critique of my work but this time I couldn't resist.)
 
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My computer really sucks right now :( But hopefully I can stay online long enough to post this.

TQ: Last time we talked about how we choose genres. This time I want to know some of your tactics about writing different genres. What elements and common devices do you employ with each genre?

I have to admit, I was never big into English at school (in fact I failed my final exam and I can admit that on here ‘cause I can’t see you laughing lol :p) and I don’t know any of the proper terms for anything, but I do like to describe a lot. Whatever genre I write I like to describe things in detail, oh and also I like to sometimes use short sentences/paragraphs to get things across more powerfully. And that’s about all I can say really because I’m actually so dumb :S

Critique:

Firstly I’m gonna start off by applauding your bravery at attempting such a dark story. It’s really hard to tell a story of abuse/violence without it seeming clichéd or superficial and I think you told this really well. It touched me deeply, and made me think about some things I’ve been burying over the past few years, so thanks for featuring it this week, I would probably not have searched out for a story like this one.

I really like the fact you seem to take us inside Sara’s head from the beginning and it’s so wonderfully descriptive as well. You set up the story really well, and didn’t just launch straight into the violence.

Sara is a very complex character and it was interesting to me to see how you wrote her as an 11 year old. I found fact that Sara had her own little space interesting as it links in with how her character was in the show, quite solitary, oh and also while I’m on characterization, when Sara covers up her books with the blanket, it’s such a ‘Sara’ thing to do. I never imagined her as a playing with dolls kinda child. I also imagined her as a child mature beyond her years and that’s like the Sara you’ve written, she takes it upon herself to hit her father, rather than let her brother do it again. It’s was a very unselfish act.

I have to admit that when it came to the part with their mother pulling the gun on their father and ordering them to beat him, I really did feel quite uncomfortable, but I read on anyway, I couldn’t stop, it was like I had to find out what happened in the ending. And that’s not a criticism, it’s a good thing. Usually if I read something that makes me feel weird I stop, but with this I didn’t. It was really good.

The fear that Sara and Evan were feeling seemed to jump off the page and I think I truly felt it, and the suspense as they events played out. At first I thought Sara’s father had been shot, then it turned out he wasn’t, then I was wondering what would happen with Sara’s mother and you kept me on a knife-edge throughout.

I also think you got across the emotional conflict within Sara and Evan with regards to their parents extremely well. I know from experience that even though someone can do awful things to you, you can still find it within yourself to love them, sometimes you feel you need to love them. And that is exactly what I felt that Sara in particular was feeling. The situation with her mother is one that hit particularly close to home for me, and although my circumstances are different, the difficulties Sara is having with her mother’s moods and violence and the emotional conflict it causes is the same. And sometimes it’s this conflict that makes you do crazy things like underage drinking, it’s so confusing, especially for a child. You wrote it extremely well and it was very, very real.

Even the simple act of making her mother some coffee is significant after such a traumatic event as everything seems to fall into places in the last part of the story and it occurred to me that awful events were commonplace within the Sidle household, and in the way everyone seems to settle into a routine afterwards is indicative of this.

I really, really liked the ending, the fact that it wasn’t all resolved made it all the more real. You know that something like it will happen again, and that suspense left me thinking about the story a long time after I read it.

I spotted a couple of spelling mistakes (but that was only on the second reading) so it didn’t take away from the story at all for me. I can’t really think of much else to criticize (I hate that word) at all.

I think this story was amazing. End of.:thumbsup:

And I’m sorry for rambling on so much, it just it really struck deep with me.

LeAnne x

--Oh and Jodie if you read this I’m trying to PM you the pics for the 1v1, but internet connection is soo horribly sloooooww. They are coming, I’d never forget you :)
 
TQ: Last time we taked about how we choose genres. This time I want to know some of your tactics about writing different genres. What elements and common devices do you employ with each genre?

Can't really answer this question because I only write one genre...romance. Whether it be short one-shot stories, or longer ones with more of a plot, my stories all contain some element of romance, and always end happily. Can't help it...I'm a hopeless romantic ;):).

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Critique:

I have to be honest in that I only sat down to read the story today, not just because I had so little time after work this week, but also because it was a Sara centered story, and I have to admit to not really liking her character that much. Reading this story was the last thing on my proverbial list of 'to
do' items.

But...that said, I actually enjoyed the story, despite it's darkness. I really got into the story right about where her brother stepped into the teepee. Just goes to show me that I should broaden my horizons when I search out stories to read (as I normally search for romance type stories involving my favorite characters). Thanks for inadvertently teaching me a lesson!

You write very descriptively, so much so that it's so very easy to envision the story playing out in my mind as I read it. I could just see how cold it was even in the teepee, how she must have been cold despite the blanket she had around her...not just because of the weather, but also because of how sad their lives were.

I have to admit to being floored by the fact that Sara and her brother would do as their mother requested and hit their father with the stick...but they were being threatened by a psychotic woman with a gun. So I have to imagine that there was no choice for them. Being young kids, they couldn't exactly take their crazy mother down.

There were a few spelling mistakes as has been said, and some sentences that needed commas...but I'm certainly no grammar expert so I could very well be wrong.

Ooops...gotta go...will edit and finish later.

Ok...I'm back...

One last thing...I don't know much about Sara's character on the show, more specifically I don't know anything about her backstory, so I'm not sure if that backstory included an alcoholic and psychotic mother. But just from this story alone it would be easy to see how Sara's personality was shaped (from what little of it I've seen in the episodes I have watched).

Well done!
 
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LeAnne: It’s okay. To make it easier, you pick one and we’ll use it. That way, you can send it straight to Kat and we don’t have to mess around. :) I trust ya :lol:.

TQ- I normally write angst/romance, though I have been known to dabble in humor every now and then.

Humor: I tend to write short, snappy sentences to get across sarcasm, or I use repetition to highlight it. I also use extra long sentences to do the whole ‘melodrama’ thing. Parenthesis can be great for humor for adding that extra information that makes something funny (well, it’s supposed to) and creating ‘in-jokes’ between you/the character and the reader.

Angst/romance: again with the short sentences. Maybe it’s because I’m lazy hehe, but I find them very effective at intensifying emotions. Pain, in particular. I use a lot of metaphorical imagery and representations. Even in pure romance like my V-Day challenge, the ‘bruises’ were not simply physical bruises. I like things to have double meanings and make the readers think long after they have finished reading. I don’t like things that simply ‘are’. I also tend to use ‘unusual’ sentences. Ones starting with ‘and’ or ‘but’ for example, are prominent in my stories. I’m to sure why, or if they are effective.


LLK -

If I remember correctly, this was the story I couldn’t beta-read for you, so I won’t comment on spelling/grammar ‘cause that was my bad. It was partly because I didn’t have the time, like I told you, and partly because I was in a position where reading it wouldn’t have been easy. Thankfully, I can now.

I must say, I enjoyed it more than I thought I would. It helped me make sense of quite a few things in my mind and, strangely, made me feel more human.

I don’t like Sara and I’ll admit I carried that prejudice into the story with me. However once I started reading, I began thinking of her as a human, rather then some whiny thing as I perceive(d) her on the show.

I notice many shocked responses that Sara would carry out her mother’s wishes when she so clearly knew it was wrong. I enjoyed that part of the story, it helped me to realize why children do submit even when their entire belief system is being questions. And that’s the point, their belief system rests on their abusers, and if they truly believe that their abusers are capable of hurting them, they are going to submit. That came across nicely in this story.

The fact that the children wanted to show their love for their parents despite all the horrors of the house really hit home for me. Because they do and it’s really nice to see something that highlights this to people who don’t understand. So often, you get people saying ‘I don’t know why he didn’t fight back’ and those are the people who luckily don’t understand why. But sometimes you have to question whether or not their naivety is a good thing. Another issue this story highlights well.

The simple things like making coffee afterwards and talking about mundane things really brought to life the idea that this is all on a continuum. It’s a constant cycle. If you had ended it by summing things up or having some sort of closure, it wouldn’t be half as effective as it is.

Characterization. Wow. You captured yourself a mini Sara in this one and it worked so damn well. Although I personally find it odd she drank, I can completely see why. I never did. I rarely, if ever, drink and I guess I assume people don’t hehe. I think she drank because it was a ‘grownup’ thing to do. A way of becoming an adult because she then could have control and put a stop to what was happening. In her mind, at least. I don’t know. It really made me think.

I’m sorry I can’t write more. But last time I wrote this out Word crashed and I nearly cried! Enjoyed this, thanks for sharing.

Jodie x
 
TQ*
Alright, if any of you read anything by me besides When Greg Met Sarah, I bless you for being so kind and forgiving. But you may have noticed a pattern, as well… I don’t have a set genre that I write for. The Aftermath was Fluff with a tinge of Angst, Interrupted was Angst ridden Romance, Just A Little Fun was pure Fluff, When Greg Met Sarah is Angst with a slight hint of Fluff and a dash of Comedy, and Irony is well… OMG SUICIDAL ANGST… but that’s just my opinion.

When it comes to how I express what’s going on in my character’s mind… I’m usually causing them some sort of physical pain (because I’m a sadistic bitch (pardon my language)), much like LostLadyKnight does. And I usually only let really good things happen to them while they are suffering – whether it is physically or emotionally – because I guess it can be considered kindness (though I highly doubt it).

When I write fluff… it usually has a lot of frustration mixed into it. I really don’t make it easy for my characters to be happy until… well, until they’ve suffered just a tiny bit. Severely or not, they WILL suffer. *evil grin*

*Critique*
Okay, this was a tough story for me to critique, because I had to toss all my past speculation of Sara Sidle’s childhood aside to read it. Also, the story was quite long, and since I’m a newbie to critiquing, I don’t quite have the skill (or patience, rather) to critique this story as I have the others. Instead of doing a what I liked section and a what I didn’t like section, I’m just going to talk about what I noticed as I read and wrote down (yes, I take notes… how do you think I get so specific?). OO! As I wrote the next paragraph (yes, I’m reference a paragraph before you even read it… SUE ME! *crazy dance*) I came up with how I’m going to do this. I’m going to go something I liked, something I didn’t like, and alternate as such. If I run out of either, I’ll just keep writing what I still DO have. And if I seem nuts tonight, it’s because I had a tad bit too much sugar for a five foot two frame.

Alright, I’m going to start off with imagery. It was incredible how you describe the cold weather in the story. As I read, I was huddling in a blanket, because I actually shivered and got cold myself (and I actually checked to see if a window was open… there wasn’t). While I’m writing this I’m wrapped in a blanket. And anything else you described in this story I was actually able to create an image of in my head. Some of what you wrote was so eerily similar to something Stephen King would write, I had goose bumps. It reminded me of It. *shudders*

Okay… something I didn’t like… I didn’t really like the idea of children drinking. I mean, personally, I think it’s a little twisted… but what about this story wasn’t twisted? However, that doesn’t change the fact that it made me uncomfortable to see Sara and Evan drinking in the freezing cold (a bad idea for adults, even). They may not have known any better, but it seems with what they see happens to their mother when she’s drunk… well, it would make sense that they knew a little bit about how bad drinking can be.

This may seem like an odd thing to like, but you have to think about where I’m coming from. It’s all too common that we see the father as the abusive, drunken bastard who beats his wife senseless every chance he gets, and when he finds even the slightest thing wrong with something she’s done. I liked, no, loved how you made Laura the ‘bad guy’ for once. When Sara recounted her past on the show, she was very vague on the details, and didn’t exactly say who ended up with the broken bones and everything. One would assume that the father battered her mother. It was refreshing (as disturbing as this may seem) that you made Laura Sidle the evil bitch who beats her husband senseless and threatens to kill him on what seems to be a nightly basis.

With that same point comes something that I didn’t like so much, which was the fact that you made Laura an alcoholic. I am always very uncomfortable with the idea with alcoholism, but it especially irks me when it’s a female alcoholic. But this isn’t about personal issues. The critiquing reason I didn’t like it was that it seemed very extreme, to the point of unrealistic. The amount you had Evan say she drank was beyond what even my father (a recovering alcoholic) could drink. It just seemed like way too much.

Okay… Good thing, good thing. *thinks* Well, that wasn’t very difficult. I found it ironic and a tad bit funny that, while drinking rum, two children would be playing gin… it made me giggle. Not that the situation surrounding it was at all funny. The fact that they were outside in the freezing cold with barely anything protecting them, and the fact that they couldn’t go back inside because their parents were in yet another fight about this or that. It was funny in an ironic way… not funny ha-ha.

I really didn’t like Laura’s twisted sense of justice. It seemed to kind of reflect what the usual domineering male thinks of women, and it made me ill. It just made me hate the way she acted that much more. Hell, it almost made me hate her.

Okay. The darkness of this entire story never ended, and I didn’t know whether to love or hate it. But, as it progressed to the scene where Evan and Sara are in the house, I realized how good it was… so to speak. I was terrified for the two children as they discovered their mother holding a gun to their father’s heart. My stomach was twisted into knots that couldn’t be untied, and I felt sick. When Laura forced Evan to come forward and beat his father with the stick, I almost threw up. It just felt so unbelievably real, it was horrible. I loved it, and I hated it. It was a scene so vivid it tugged at every heart string until they snapped and I was read to break down.

Continuing off of my last point is Sara’s determination and strength. As scared as she seemed to be of her psychotic mother, she was dead set on standing up to her when it came to hurting her father. She was determined to have as little to do with hurting him as possible, and did her best to stay out of it… at first. But her love and devotion to her older brother forced her to do just that: hurt her father. In order to keep her mother from hurting Evan, she herself had to hit her father. What really hit me was her whispered ‘I’m sorry’ before she actually struck him. I could feel that flooding guilt that she was feeling and it broke my damn heart. Despite her best efforts, however, her mother still shot at her father in an attempt to kill him.

But the fact that you showed her strong will and emotional tenderness was what made me extremely happy. Many people don’t like Sara because of the way she would get attached to cases and get too emotionally involved with the victims. But, to be perfectly honest, that’s what attracts me to the character. I find her unhindered ability to love and feel so strongly very relieving in the darkness of CSI. As much as she loves, however, she doesn’t seem to back down when her emotions get out of control, which is where I see her predicament. The way you portrayed this aspect of her character in this story, and when she was a child, no less, was quite impressive. *applauds*

Which brings me to my next point… oh my God, I was scared half to death when I saw ‘the sound of gunpowder exploding’. I thought she had either killed Evan or her husband, and I was like ‘OH NO YOU DIDN’T BITCH!’ I felt terrible for Sara, thinking that she had just lost her father, and almost started crying as she approached the supposed dead man. When he was proven to be alive, I heaved a sigh of relief, happy to see him alive. My relief was quickly shattered when I remembered he still dies eventually, but for that moment I was fine.

Now, as I’ve said, I feel that these children should know better about a lot of things. However, the only thing I truly had a problem with was the drinking. All though they should know better than to swear, Sara’s cursing seemed to be oddly in place, for some reason. I think it was because there really was no other way to describe her family than as ‘fucked up’ (again, pardon my language. I’m quoting her, though… so it shouldn’t count). I mean, you don’t usually hear an eleven-year-old – even one as smart as Sara – going around saying ‘my family is unstable and psychotic’. Well, at least I don’t. So I guess I that’s the reason I was okay with the swearing.

Now, what was absolutely perfect about this story was that the ending was NOT a happy one, by any means. It was a compromising ending, to say the least. There was no happiness beyond the fact that Laura hadn’t killed her husband. Now, finding something I didn’t like within the ending was difficult, but I did find it (yeah, I know I said I didn’t have anything else bad to say. Once again, SUE ME!). What irked me was the way Sara treated her parents at the end. I mean, I understood that she treated her father with some dignity, seeing as she probably loved and cared for him a bit more since he didn’t hurt her all that often. What I didn’t understand was how she could treat her mother with the same caring and compassion as her father. I mean, she had nearly killed the man! Of course it is easily explained away by the undying and unconditional nature of a child’s love, but Sara just seemed different. She seemed like the type of child to have a little resentment towards her mother, at least. I’m not saying I didn’t like the ending, because I did. In fact, I loved it. I just didn’t like how Sara reacted to the events that took place. However, I loved the originality of the ending, and it was very unique. I was happy to see a not-so-happy ending, because those are just all too cliché nowadays.

All around, this was an incredible story. If you beta’d it now, I wouldn’t hesitate to read it again. I loved it in all its OMG SUICIDAL ANGST glory. You are an incredible scene builder, and I won’t hesitate to read anymore of your work in the future.

<3 Amanda Ruth

P.S. DON'T KILL ME I KNOW IT'S LONG I HATE MYSELF FOR DOING IT!
 
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Okay, a second time I'm going to comment back on the things that have been said about the story. The amount of alcohol consumed wasn't supposed to be as much as was implied. I didn't detail this, and I shall when I revise it, but alcoholics tend to have bottle after bottle of particially consumed alcohol strewn around the house. Having lived with two of them at different stages of my life I'm going to genneralize that fact. The "three bottles of rum" were intended to be partials. I imagine that there are 10 or 12 stashes of liquor around. So, in summary, the bottles were really only partly full.

As for the placement of childhood alcoholism. Kids do drink. They do drugs. It happens. I was discussing this story with my roomate and she asked me would I have tried rum with my brother when he was drinking it at 11. I think I would have. Especially given the situation... don't know for sure. I just thought it would be fun to play with it after Brittney suggested I do it.

The ending I blame on my attempt, which I fear I failed at, to imply that Sara took on a lot of responsiblity to take care of everyone in the household. That she was really more the mother figure than her mother ever was. It was the same as when I make a cup of tea for my sisters within minutes after we have a fight about something. Even though I'm still angry I love them and they need to be taken care of. Besides... those small bits of kindness she gave to her mother probably taught Sara a lot about who she became in the future.

Anyway... thanks for all of the critiques guys! I was more than a little worried that you all would absolutely hate it. I'm glad it was well recieved, for the most part.
 
Okay so this is my attempt at doing the best TQ thing. I don't usually do this and I'm not sure if I did it right. Honestly I don't even know how Jodie picks. :( Oh well. I hope this is okay...

Best TQ Answers for the past few weeks.

Challenge Week

TQ: What about this challenge was hardest for you as a writer? Explain in as much or as little detail as you like.

Answer: The hardest thing about this challenge is the thing that is always hardest for me when I write a character that I've never written before: characterization. It's difficult to crawl into someone's head for the first time because it's not a comfortable fit, it's not familiar yet, and I always feel so unsure. In this case it was even harder because I was attempting to crawl into a head sort of against my will, lol. Sure it was my story idea, but it was an idea based on criteria I wouldn't have used outside the challenge, and I'm used to being able to just write whatever characters whisper in my ear. This time, though, it took me almost the entire week before I was comfortable enough to sit down and write, and I spent a lot of time just sort of swishing Grissom around in my mind to get a feel for him. -Zelda49

Week 16

TQ: Tell me about writing comedy! Tell me about reading it! What do you look for?

Answer: Humor? Well, It's normally inexistent in my world of angst :D. but those who are very familiar with y writing will notice I place little snippets of humor in, just to break up the tension and, well, avoid making my readers suicidal. Funnily enough, it's normally Ryan I use for the humor (dressing him up like a cranky elf in the Christmas fic; having Valera and him go at it in 'Resolute Breath'). As much as I struggle with his character, I find it scarily easy to plant him in these little situations (like small 'B-plots') which are funny. As for reading humor, I love it if it's well done. Parody in particular can be very funny if done properly, as I love sarcasm, but straight up humor is incredible to read, probably because I could never do it. If humor is not done properly, it comes across feeling forced, and I just don't want to read it because, as a reader, I hate having to think about the mistakes people have made; I should just be able to focus on the story. Hypocritical? Yes, but it's what I look for. -Adorelo

Week 17

TQ: We all know that the more we write the better we get. What about your writing has changed most over your time writing fanfiction? What habits do you still have? Which habits do you have or have had in the past are one you would call bad? Good ones?

Answer: Hard question. Without a doubt, my writing has improved over the years. By no means do I rank myself up there with some of the best writers I read on ff.net, but I wrote my first fanfiction about 12 years ago or so, and when I look back at it I cringe. They aren't the most awful pieces of fanfiction out there (I've read much worse), but they certainly weren't good.

Its hard to say what has changed over the years...I guess maybe I'm more descriptive, setting the scene so to speak. I do plan out my stories before I write them, not in any organized outline, but I do write notes about what I want to happen before I even begin to type it up...didn't do that before.

One thing I have had a hard time improving on is love scenes, T or M rated...they're hard to do, and take longer to write than any other parts of my stories. I try to make them sensual and romantic, not pornographic smut, and it's hard to do.

As for habits...dunno. I guess one habit I have (bad one) is I tend to use the same descriptive words...words to describe how a person says or does something, words to describe how a person is feeling, or how they look. -Jennifer

Week 18

TQ:What genre of story do you most often write? What genre do you most often look for to read? What makes you choose those genres?

Answer: When I first started writing, I thought I was going to be a fluffy, sickly sweet authoress, mainly because that was how I saw myself as a writer. And my (really bad) first story only served as proof of my theory. Then I went on to write another story, and it all just went down the path to angst. I basically put the characters through enough hell it would drive even the most level headed person insane.

The pattern didn’t really stop when I started writing my third story, the one that was critiqued. Honestly, starting it off the way I did made me want to kill myself (kidding). Then, between chapters five and six of that story, I wrote a very fluffy Valentine’s Day story… but what else do you expect from a V-Day story? (I guess that explains why the story we’re critiquing is fluffy, and not the usual angst we expect from Adorelo)

And then came Irony, my most recent story. The only way I was able to describe it to my friends was OMG SUICIDAL ANGST! I was crying as I wrote it because of something tragic that had just happened at my old high school. It was basically what I was feeling at the time, so I couldn’t say that I didn’t expect what I came out with.

Anyway, what’s the rest of the TQ supposed to be about? Oh, right, the types of genres I look for to read. Gotcha. Um… that’s a toughie. I usually read angst, humor, romance, friendship, stuff along those lines. It depends on my mood. And by that I mean, if I’m depressed, I read angst, if I’m happy, I read humor, and if I’m… well, ahem… I think you know where I’m going with this. *blush* -Amanda_Ruth

Week 19

TQ: Last time we taked about how we choose genres. This time I want to know
some of your tactics about writing different genres. What elements and common devices do you employ with each genre?

Answer: I blame my utter boredom for my punctuality at the moment. I've been out of town the last few days, staying with my older brother William and his family for his birthday. Anyway, I've been so occupied with the most adorable two year old that I haven't been online much at all. Still right now I'm the only one up and since I don't know how to work the TV and it's on full blast in the living room, where I'm supposed to sleep tonight, I figured I might as well drop by and finish this up.

So, what devices do I employ when writing different genres? Well, this could either be tough for me to answer or very easy. Let's see, shall we? As I admitted earlier most of my writing centers in the angst area of things and that's very true. I am just more natural and comfortable writing for that genre so I think I'll focus on that a while.

One thing I know I do a lot is employ the use of weather as a symbol of the feelings and emotions the characters are going through. If you remember my challenge fic "Frozen" the entire thing was set outside while it was snowing. Granted the line "It's snowing" was a requirement for the fic, but I didn't have to take it the way I did. The snow was my way of giving the readers a visual idea of what Danny was going through at the time. Besides I really liked using it to give the recurring idea that he had an addiction to the pain it caused him to breathe the cold air. Snow is also prevelant in the fic I have featured this week. I'm not saying that snow's the only weather I use, just those are two examples.

Another thing I do frequently is cause my charcters some sort of physical pain. In a chapter of "Elaborate Lives" my OC was at the hospital because her son's leukemia had relapsed (I know I'm horrible). While she was there she started to see that Nick was pretty special. Well I physically manifested the guilt she was feeling by having her hit her head, uncomfortably hard, against a brick wall when she was trying to pull away from Nick kissing her. I just like accentuating the emotional pain I'm putting my characters through with other elements.

I can't give too much info on writing happy characters though. I don't do that too often. -lostladyknight
 
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To be perfectly honest picking a fic to feature this week was one of the hardest decisions I've had to make in a long time. I had two wonderful ladies all lined up. Due to the time constraints of one of them I made my decision.
I promise not to make promises I can't keep in the future though.

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CSI Critique Fanfiction #20: CSI: Crime Scene Investigation. Warrick Brown/Catherine Willows. "Irony" By: Amanda_Ruth

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TQ: Sometimes we write about subject matter that we don't have a lot of experience with. How do you go about addressing these issues? What makes you know when and how to do research for a piece? Which resources do you use?

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Thanks everyone! Please remember that critiques are due by Saturday.
You can be looking forward to a fic by CalleighD (unless she decides that she doesn't want me to fetaure her) next week on Sunday, March 23, 2008.
 
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