CSI Fan Fiction Critique Group.

Hey all. Ready for phase two? Good, so am I.

Now what we’re going to do is the following. I’m going to make a list of everyone participating and below their name is going to be a link to the fic they are to critique, pretty straight forward.

When critiquing you will make a heading like this:

Story Title
by: Author’s SN
Critique by: Your SN.
Critique By Challenge: Project #2.

Then you write your critique. You'll then answer the TQ.

That’s about it. You’ll have until February 17, 2008 to complete your critique.

Please keep in mind that these assignment were almost completely randomized. I wrote everyone’s names on a piece of paper and then picked names out of a bowl this is just how it was all paired up. So, yeah, just thought I’d share that little bit of information. The exception is MaryMagdalen's assignment and she's been PM'd and understands why that exception was made.


TQ: What about this challenge was hardest for you as a writer? Explain in as much or as little detail as you like.


Zelda49
Icecold by: Adorelo

lostladyknight
12:01 by: CalleighD

Jennifer
I'll Be Waiting by: Zelda49

CalleighD
The Panty Man by: MaryMagdalen

MaryMagdalen
Frozen by: lostladyknight

Adorelo
Three Kinds of Love by: Jennifer


Welcome back to those of you doing this a second time. Those who are only doing this their first time, I hope you have fun.

Enjoy your assignments!

-LLK


ETA: If I missed anyone... I'm so so so sorry. Please PM me and yell at me and I'll fix it. Lots of love. I'm tired though... so any errors in my work... I'z so sorry. Please just let me know.
 
First one, eh? Well, don't I feel like the nerd that does all her homework early :D

Story Title: Icecold
By: Adorelo
Critique by: Zelda49
Critique by Challenge: Project #2.


TQ: What about this challenge was hardest for you as a writer? Explain in as much or as little detail as you like.

The hardest thing about this challenge is the thing that is always hardest for me when I write a character that I’ve never written before: characterization. It’s difficult to crawl into someone’s head for the first time because it’s not a comfortable fit, it’s not familiar yet, and I always feel so unsure. In this case it was even harder because I was attempting to crawl into a head sort of against my will, lol. Sure it was my story idea, but it was an idea based on criteria I wouldn’t have used outside the challenge, and I’m used to being able to just write whatever the characters whisper in my ear. This time, though, it took me almost the entire week before I was comfortable enough to sit down and write, and I spent a lot of time just sort of swishing Grissom around in my mind to get a feel for him.



Critique

Things to work on:
Well this is going to be a short paragraph! Because, really, the only thing I could find to take issue with was the vulnerability you wrote into Catherine. And that’s not even an issue, either, it’s more like something I’m not accustomed to seeing with her. Cath is always so strong and tough and commanding that it’s strange to see her in a position where she appears weak. I can’t ever picture her admitting her weakness to anyone else, or anyone else noticing it (because she’s so good at hiding it) which is how it sounds because it was written in the third person. I can see her thinking these thoughts to herself, keeping them locked up in her own mind and heart, which might come through more powerfully if it was written in the first person.

Things that were good:
Spelling: check.
Grammar: check—except where you purposely used short, clipped, incomplete sentences, a technique that worked extremely well. It accentuates the words, makes them a bit harsher, and emphasizes them in all the right ways.
Characterization, Catherine: see above
Characterization, Warrick: check. You’re description of Warrick’s behavior was so spot on it was amazing. I could picture in my mind the expressions on his face, the confusion at Catherine’s anger, the soft way he looked at her at the end.
Use of elements: check. I loved the use of the snow globe, a very clever way to get snow in a desert (and an idea that I used myself for the same purpose!). I liked that it was a gift from Lindsay, something that was very innocent and sweet, but that caused pain on a different level. It added even more depth to a story that was already thought-provoking and emotion-inducing.

What a great job, Jodie, really! I would never have known this isn’t a pair you normally write if I hadn’t known about the challenge.
 
TQ: What about this challenge was hardest for you as a writer? Explain in as much or as little detail as you like

If I was completely honest I'd have to admit that I didn't have much trouble at all with this challenge. The hardest part was just trusting myself and trusting that what I was writing was good. I spent a lot of time worrying that I was going to write too much, too little, be too far off base with characterization, or that the angst that ended up coming out wouldn't fit. I don't think I actually just relaxed and enjoyed writing it and I think that was the hardest part because I had absolutely no faith in my finished product. Does that make any sense?

Critique:

Story Title: 12:01
By: CalleighD
Critique By: lostladyknight
Critique By Challenge: Project #2

Okay so first of all I'd like to say that this entire story took me by surprise. I was excited, going in, to see who you'd chosen to write about and I never expected the pairing you'd picked. I liked it though. I really really did. Not that I don't love all of the fanfictions I see on a weekly basis, but it was wonderful to read a fic that wasn't Calleigh/Eric centered. Not only was it an amazing break from that but an amazing story. Not that I was surprised that you wrote an amazing story. The plot also took me by surprise, I didn't expect it but it was good. It had a sobering effect and it really touched me. Wonderful.

I loved the pairing... even though I've never been convinced they worked together, the dynamic you gave the relationship between the two was great. I mean, it really worked. The love they had for each other was just radiating off the page. Amazing job.

There were a few grammar things. Most notably your use of numerals when you should have spelled out the number but that didn't detract anything from the story so don't worry about it. Also I think you lost a little on effect when you didn't say what it was that Natalia was sick with. Unless I missed it. Specific details like that help make stories seem a lot more real.

Amazing job though! I loved it. It was a pleasure to read. I'm really glad that we did this challenge this week and I loved what you did with it.


****************************************************************

I also promised MaryMagdalen that I'd post her critique of my fic when I posted my critique so here it is word for word.

Frozen by lostladyknight
Critiqued by MaryMagdalen

I loved this story, from beginning to end. There was so much in it, and the whole thing was beautifully put together. The first time I read it through, I wondered who Ruben was – a brother? a friend? Then I got to the end and realised it was Rikki’s son. Let me at this point explain that I then read the reviews on ff.net, and realised that the story picks up on events from an episode of season 4 that hasn’t actually aired in the UK yet, and I had to go and do some research before I could write the critique - good old CSI files to the rescue! Having picked up on the details of the episode, I re-read the story, and I have to say it was even better second time around.

You got Danny’s character just right – he always seems so vulnerable, but so ready to put himself out there where he’s going to get hurt. And the way he rarely seems able to say what matters when it matters – you got that right too.

What really captivated me is the descriptive way that you write – you have a lovely way with words! This is just a personal thing, but three years ago I moved back to live in the city, and reading some of the description in this, it made me think, yeah, they’re the things I missed while I was away – things like “the rhythm of nature in the city”, and “Staring out over the city... at the mess of lights”. I could picture it all as I read the story.

I loved the way you set it in such a special place. No, I mean it! It’s obvious that this rooftop is a special place to them both, a place to sit and contemplate, or to talk, or to cry, or just to be. Everyone should have a place like that. And someone to share it with occasionally.

The balance of emotions was just right too, the grief and pain contrasted with the humour and conversation towards the end. And as ever, spelling, grammar, etc. – perfect! What can I say? Faultless.

This is probably not a "helpful" critique because I can't find anything for you to improve - well I suppose you know just how good you are anyway!

Thanks for writing this story – and thanks for posting my review while I’m away! See y’all in three weeks – I’m off to bed now because I have to go to the airport in 8 hours!
Leni
 
TQ: What about this challenge was hardest for you as a writer?

The hardest part of this challenge was having to write a character I've never written before. What made this really hard was the fact that I really haven't watched much of CSI:NY or CSI:LV...at least, not enough to have a good grasp of the characters on NY. And as for LV, not much in the past couple years, so the only characters I semi-know are Grissom, Catherine, Warrick, and Nick...but really I don't know them THAT well. The stories I've written thus far are for CSI:M, and while I've written E/C and H/C, I've included most of the other characters in my stories, albeit in small parts. So...choosing a character or couple to write about was HARD.

When I write a story, it is with characters I know well and I feel pretty confident I can keep them mostly in character, with maybe a small deviation. And this is part of what made writing my fic hard...I was afraid I'd fail to write the characters "in character". To be quite honest, I almost didn't participate in this challenge. To do so would require a bit of research into the characters and I have little time for that. But, low and behold I was struck with an idea while at work one day. I got home and went to the FF help forum and asked a few questions, and began writing...and while my fic didn't quite match my original idea, it did evolve from that idea.
***********************************************************
I'll Be Waiting
By: zelda49
Critique by: Jennifer
Critique By Challenge: Project #2.

You know, when I was thinking of a way to start my story with "It's snowing" I was thinking actual snowing...so imagine my surprise when I noted yours was a snowglobe. I had a "DUH" <<hand smacking forehead>> kind of reaction. Ingenious to use a snowglobe!

I loved how you had Grissom try to plan a surprise for Sara, it was sweet of him to choose so carefully. Not the typical Man going for a box of chocolates or a stuffed bear, or the traditional roses (like in my story ;)), but a man actually thinking what she'd really like and appreciate.

The story is VERY well written, telling Grissom's feelings on truely being alone, and just what that means to him now, versus what it used to mean. It is to your credit that I, the reader, felt true sadness for Grissom, felt bad for him. Some people when they write certain emotions for characters don't elicit the same feelings in their readers...ie, the reader doesn't feel sadness when reading a sad story, or laugh with a funny story, smile with a happy story, etc. BUT...you did! Job well done!

I'm a sucker for a happy ending, and while this doesn't qualify as a happy ending, I am left with the feeling that Sara would return and Grissom will be waiting for her...and that the happy ending will occur, just sometime in the future ;).

Suggestions for future stories...um, well...none. I didn't notice any spelling, grammatical, or punctuation errors.

Jennifer
 
Hey kids I just wanted to come by and remind you that you have to critique the fic you were assigned. Most of the critiques are in but we only have one day left! Don't leave the person you were assigned to hanging out to dry.

Get 'em in quick guys!

Also, anyone interested in being featured next week? (Even those of you who didn't participate in the challenge.) I need volunteers.

Thanks everyone!
 
Yes, Yes, yes :) I'll have mine in asap.

Just got to go to a meeting, then I'll get right on it :lol:

J x
 
Hi folks, just wanted to say "Hi" from Dhaka, Bangladesh. :D
Managed to get online, so I'm just keeping up with all the news. :lol:
Off to the wilds of India tomorrow, so might not get online again for a while. :(
Love to y'all.
Leni
 
Title: Three kinds of love
By Jennifer
Critique by Adorelo
Critique by Challenge project #2

Critique:

Firstly, I love the concept of getting three different types of love in there. Excellent idea! Also, the mixture of genres, from romance, to angst, to humor you captures the feelings of all three and brought them to life.

Though I don’t watch all the shows, I felt the emotions of each. I connected with the Danny/Lindsay dynamic, even though I’m not overly familiar with the characters.

The angst, well, we all know I’m an angst whore so I loved this. Your OC could do with being a little more well developed, but I understand it would be hard to do that with a short story. Regardless, I felt her pain and truly believed she loved him. A little girl? How adorably sad.

Alexx and Janie? How sweet? I can see Alexx being like that with her daughter, and it made their relationship very strong. And Alexx’s comment of, ‘not everyday I get to save a life’ is something I can really hear her say. So good job with the characterization.

It’s like in a film, when you have three different things happening at the exact same moment in time, in different places. I can really vividly see each situation.

Areas for improvement? Spelling and grammar were very good, so I can’t comment there much.

In the first section, when you skirted over the sex. I understand why, it did have to be PG, but as you told the entire story moment by moment, writing, ‘half an hour later’ seemed a bit of a mood killer.

Also, I don’t know if it’s because you don’t watch Vegas, but I found it odd that you mentioned all the shows except that one. :lol: Maybe it is just me.

Overall, I love this. I enjoyed reading and critiquing and I hope you write more soon doll. Good work!

TQ: What about this challenge was hardest for you as a writer?

Probably the fact I was writing out of my comfort zone. I usually embrace challenges, but the fact I was writing for a deadline and not for myself made it difficult for me to feel comfortable in my writing. I enjoyed the challenge, though. And the way is pushed my horizons. Characterization was quite hard, I wasn’t sure how far off the ball I was.


Zelda:


I can’t ever picture her admitting her weakness to anyone else, or anyone else noticing it (because she’s so good at hiding it) which is how it sounds because it was written in the third person. I can see her thinking these thoughts to herself, keeping them locked up in her own mind and heart, which might come through more powerfully if it was written in the first person.
Click to expand...

Agreed. I did originally write it in first person, but I wasn't confident enough with the characterization to keep it that way. I guess writing third meant I wasn't committed to 'these are her thoughts'. But, looking back, you're right. First person probably would have been better :).

Grammar: check—except where you purposely used short, clipped, incomplete sentences
Click to expand...

Yes. I have a habit of doing that. Not sure why, or if it even works. But I can't help it. It just happens. See. :rolleyes:
 
I just stopped in to tell everyone that I read this week's stories and they were a wonderful batch of stories! Everyone did a wonderful job!

I haven't left comments on anyone's story yet because fanfiction.net has been running slower than molasses running uphill all week for me. I thought it might be something with our home connection but I'm elsewhere right now and it is still painfully slow. I just went to the main page and even that page took forever to load. Anyone else having this problem with them?

I'm trying to upload the story I did for the last challenge that was just posted on the forum here and it's been so slow that though I finally got it uplaoded I haven't been able to do the edit function on it.
 
Heyy-

Wow this is like soooo late, but I’m pretending I live in New York or something where it’s not Sunday yet, and anyway, the boards been down soooo, that’s my excuse right there :)

TQ- What about this challenge was the hardest for you as a writer?

With this challenge I suppose the hardest thing for me was writing about characters I’d never down before. Personally, I think characterization is the key to good fanfiction and I hate it when I write something and I think it seems OOC. With one character I’ve written only briefly, one I’ve never written before in a ship I’ve not even given much thought to, the issue of characterization was always there in the back of my mind.

Critique-

Title: The panty Man
By MaryMagdalen
Critique by CalleighD
Critique by Challenge project #2

I’ll start by saying I haven’t watched all the much NY, at all. So all of the stuff I said about me being a stickler for characterization, doesn’t really apply here, because I don’t think I could give a fair appraisal of your characterization.

I did however, really, really enjoy this story. When I first read it brought a big smile to my face, and then I re-read it again to critique it and again I was sitting here grinning like an idiot (that is a really good thing).

I really love the way you worked your OC’s into the story, and having them set the scene first was really nice. Katie is so cute and reminds me a lot of my little cousin, even down to the ‘panty-man’ quote :)

I never would have guessed ‘the panty man’ was Sheldon. I was sure for the life of me it was Mac for some reason, but when you revealed who it actually was, I could imagine him acting just like that, and plus, Sheldon seems to be under-represented in NY fics (well the ones I’ve read anyway) so you get points from me for writing a character that isn’t written about much.

The fact that you had the beginnings of a relationship between an established character and an OC was refreshing and new for me as I don’t usually read anything other than the ships I ship, and well you did it very nicely and also, it wasn’t the usually full on romance fic, it was fluffy and sweet and subtly romantic.

The only thing I could suggest as an area of improvement would be that last couple of paragraphs were hard to follow, because you had the dialogue right in there with the description, I had to work out who was saying what, but that's more of a formatting issue and it didn't take anything away from the story.

Overall it was lovely, nice to read, and left me with a warm feeling inside. And well done for writing an NY fic that i actually truely liked :)


and I'm so sorry again this is so late :( I know I sucked, but I did get it in and techinically it's still Saturday somewhere right?

LeAnne x
 
TQ: Tell me about writing comedy! Tell me about reading it! What do you look for?

Ok...writing comedy...HARD, and that's why I don't do it. I'm not a naturally funny person, so writing comedy would be impossible. However, reading it...I love it! I'm a sucker for romance so naturally I pick out the romance stories to read, but every now and then I need something funny to read (although not when I'm at work, because that just raises eyebrows considering I'm not supposed to be reading fanfiction at work ;)). I can't say what I look for in a comedy story, just that I look for stories centering on my favorite characters and love it when I happen upon one that makes me laugh. Some people seem to have a gift for writing funny stories, those that I actually laugh out loud when reading. Others can write something funny into a story, a statement or a scene in an action or romance story and that's great too.

***********************************************************
Critique:

This was a cute story. I loved the idea of Calleigh taking a hapless Ryan shopping for clothes, because lets face it...the man is NOT a fashion icon. You nailed it when you said he dresses like a kid who wants to sit at the grown-up's table at Thanksgiving.

You also nailed his personality by him hissing at Calleigh that she could NOT go in the dressing room with him, and having him refuse to close the door until she left. As well with with his patterned shopping technique.

I loved this line...

He frowned into the mirror. “I look like Horatio.”

So...great characterization! I may not have laughed out loud until the "I look like Horatio" part, but it was still a funny story.

Good job!
Jennifer
 
TQ:
Humor? Well, It’s normally inexistent in my world of angst :lol:, but those who are very familiar with my writing will notice I place little snippets of humor in, just to break up the tension and, well, avoid making my readers suicidal. Funnily enough, it’s normally Ryan I use for the humor (dressing him up like a cranky elf in the Christmas fic; having Valera and him go at it in ‘Resolute Breath‘). As much as I struggle with his character, I find it scarily easy to plant him in these little situations (like small ‘B-plots’) which are funny. As for reading humor, I love it if it’s well done. Parody in particular can be very funny if done properly, as I love sarcasm, but straight up humor is incredible to read, probably because I could never do it. If humor is not done properly, it comes across feeling forced, and I just don’t want to read it because, as a reader, I hate having to think about the mistakes people have made; I should just be able to focus on the story. Hypocritical? Yes, but it’s what I look for.

CRITIQUE:

Zelda? I just laughed-out-loud (again). I’ve read this before, but even reading it again made me giggle, because I knew what was coming (it’s like ‘friends’, it makes be laugh every time, even though I could probably recite the scripts).

As I said in my review, it’s nice to see friendship fics out there. I’m doing this currently with the whole Calleigh/Natalia dynamic (though I couldn’t resist some EC hehe) and I’m with you, we need to see more fics that focus on the fact they are friends, as they are in the show…. For the most part.

As you know, I am kinda obsessed with characterization, and this fic didn’t let me down. You managed to capture Ryan perfectly, something I have never been able to do, as of yet. Picking up on his obsessive tendencies, needing to go in a certain direction round the store and making sure the door was properly closed because Calleigh wasn’t aloud in :lol: And Calleigh? Perfect, I can see her taking him out to dress him a little better, and some of the one-liners were perfect for her character (‘Ryan it up’) and her ‘not-really-prying-voice’? Oh, we al know Calleigh’s the master of that.

You ended it at just the right place, making me want you to continue into the shoe department, but not doing so, made me smile just at the idea of this continuing.

Areas for improvement? Meh, I don’t know what to say. But I’ll say something. Maybe, a little more detail in places? Focus on some of Ryan’s responses to the cloths Calleigh picked out or something. Maybe? I don’t know :lol:.

Fab-u-loso work as always babe, you never stop impressing me!

Jodie x
 
TQ:

I'm actually a pretty funny person. Or so I like to think. I've always been the one to make my family and friends laugh and I've always got a joke to make about most situations. I guess I just really like making people laugh and I'm pretty good at it with my friends. Unfortunately that doesn't mean I'm any good at writing comedy. I'm not. Actually I'm absolutely terrible at it. Every now and then I'll write something that a reader will deem funny but generally no. I just don't try to be funny with my writing though. I mean I won't refrain from cracking a joke if I'm writing a character in a situation where he or she would but I don't go out of my way to write humor. I'm not good enough at it.

Reading humor can be a lot of fun. I mean sometimes it's great. It really depends on the abilities of the author more than anything else. Some people have this great ability to make you laugh and others don't. All I do know is that if I'm reading a fanfiction if the humor makes characters go OOC, well then I just don't want to read it anymore.


Critique:

I don't know anything about characterization on Miami so while everyone else has told you how great it is that you picked up on the little things about Ryan, I can't comment on that. I'll trust everyone else on that one though. I do know a lot about the way he dresses though. If that's not weird. I find him incredibly attractive and I love the way he dresses. I think the way you described both of this outfits. Pre-Calleigh and post was very accurate. Amazing job writing the transition. I really liked the humorous edge you put to it. You made the whole thing a lot of fun.

Another thing I liked was the friendship aspect. I really enjoy getting to read fics every now and then that aren't romance. As much as I adore romance it's really nice to go a few times and read friendship. This was a really cute friendship piece.

I can't think of anything to tell you to do differently. It was really great. Sweet and funny.

Also I need a volunteer for next week! Anyone interested?

-LLK
 
*TQ*
When I write comedy, it usually isn't planned. Of course, none of my stories really are. I'm a 'plan-as-I-go' type of writer, so I don't usually know what's going to happen until it, well, happens. My comedy is usually very subtle and, most of the time, can be seen as a serious moment as well. However, when I read comedy, I usually look for obvious, blunt, in-your-face comedy. It has to be pushing the lines of propriety, but never crossing it. I can also appreciate the subtler comedic tinges in a mainly serious story, because it can lighten the mood. If something is too dark, I lose interest. Being able to laugh when I'm reading a serious story is always a good thing for me.

*Critique*
I'm going to start off this critique by saying that I have only watched CSI: Miami a handful of times, and Ryan Wolfe was always my favorite character. I must warn those reading this critique that I am going on maybe forty-five episodes of knowledge on CSI: Miami, so bear with me if I get anything wrong. I would also appreciate it if you told me what I get wrong. That will certainly go a long way in improving my critiquing ability.
First, I would like to point out what was good about this story. When I read the very first line of this story, I didn’t need to read ahead to know Horatio Caine was speaking. Although there was very little to work with, I believe you were able to catch his personality spot on. You also portrayed Ryan’s insecurity and unrelenting need to please very well. His unhappiness with his wardrobe was very believable, and I don’t think it could have been better. The fact that I would never have expected him to be worried about his clothing until he actually said it was impressive. I also thought the way you captured Calleigh’s amazing ability to read everyone was incredible.
Another thing I liked was that you have a talent for describing facial expressions that had me glowing green with envy. ‘He gestured to his clothes as he spoke, his face a mask of embarrassment’ was particularly impressive. You used very clever analogies throughout the story that had me smiling each time I read one.
What I also like was how Ryan didn’t vocalize an entire thought. The way he said something that made sense without the rest of the thought was very clever. ‘And compared to Horatio’s suits… “I look like a kid who wants to sit at the grown-ups’ table at Thanksgiving”’ was very clever, and made me giggle.
The way Calleigh answered her own questions before Ryan had a chance to do so was great, because it made for a funny realization near the end. If it weren’t for her mislead thought, Calleigh would never have realized that it wasn’t really hero-worship that had him wanting to change his look, but just plain unhappiness with his wardrobe.
Now I’ve mentioned a few times that I found this story funny, so I think I should elaborate on that a bit. The comedy in this story was in-your-face-look-at-me-I’m-hilarious comedy, which is what I normally look for. However, when I was reading this, the way you wrote your comedy was just the right amount of subtlety that had me laughing the entire time. I think what had me laughing the hardest was the very end of the story. Calleigh and Ryan had finally found a perfect look for him, and then Calleigh realized he needed new shoes. I went “Oh, God” and started laughing hysterically. It was a perfect ending to this story.
Now that I have covered the good aspects of this story, I think I should move on to what was in need of improvement. First of all, what I believe was the most blatant indiscretion was the constant changing of point of view. The story started off in Ryan’s point of view, but soon switched to Calleigh’s. From there it continually changed back and forth between the two. A little bit of revising, and this can be easily fixed.
I also noticed that at one point the scene suddenly changed with no filler to explain how it changed. One minute Calleigh and Ryan are discussing a time to meet in the lobby, and the next Ryan’s pacing in the lobby waiting for Calleigh. It’s okay to do this, but a little line to show that the two scenes aren’t connected can make such a difference.
The next thing I would like to point out is that there are a few scenes in your story that could use a bit more description. They are decent the way they are, but it can’t hurt to add a few more details to them. Scenes that I believe would benefit from a little more attention to detail would be when Ryan is finally in his first outfit and when Calleigh hears him grunting in dissatisfaction. For the first one, good questions to ask yourself would be, “How does he actually feel about looking like his boss? Why does he feel this way?” For the second scene, ask yourself these simple questions: What would Calleigh do if he wasn’t okay? Why?
This next point ties into the previous one, but I believed it could use its own paragraph. When Calleigh decided that Ryan did actually look like Horatio, how did she feel about that? Did she think it was funny, uncomfortable, or sexy? When her lips twitched, were they twitching into a smile or a frown? Being more specific about a reaction can make quite a bit of a difference.
My final criticism is actually just a grammar correction. When you said ‘Withdraw to the waiting area again’, the word withdraw should be withdrawing.
All in all, I found this story very entertaining, and I believe you have a lot of potential as a fan fiction writer. Good luck on any future stories you plan to write!
 
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