Quotes you WON'T hear - Pt 2

(Talking to a psychiatrist about his many problems.)

Nick: And I was held at gunpoint twice by psychos...

Psychiatrist: Yes, I know.

Nick: ...I swear i didnt kill that stripper!

Psychiatrist: MM-HMM

Nick: ...And then my babysitter when I was younger...

Psychiatrist: YES, I know, Mr. Stokes.

Nick: ...And then my best friend for ever and ever died...

Psychiatrist: Yes, Yes. (Begins to fill out another prescription)

Nick: What do I DO!?

Psychiatrist: Take 3 of these every day. Don't mix them with the others I've given you.

Nick: Are they shaped like dinosaurs? You know I only like the dinosaur shaped ones!

Psychiatrist: Only for you, Mr. Stokes.

 

(Nick comes riding up a beach on an ATV while Ronnie Lake and Mandy Webster are pushing a large crate, wearing pink polka dotted short-shorts and matching tube tops)

Ronnie: I feel itchy do you feel itchy?

Mandy: Mine feels more like it's burning!

(The camera zooms in on their rear ends by their shorts and we see the skin poking out is really red)

Nick: You guys are behind. Like, WAYYYY Behind!

Ronnie: I, like HAVE to scratch.

Mandy: Me too! I don't get why we're so itchy!

Wendy: When you guys went to pee in the woods, did you squat down to pee?

Ronnie & Mandy: Yes.

Wendy: Did you happen to squat over some oval shaped leaves, low to the ground?

Ronny & Mandy: Yes.

Wendy: You guys squatted on POISON IVY! HEE HEE HEE!

(They both get down on the sand and start scooting around on their butts)

Ronnie & Mandy: OH NO! WHAT DO WE DO?!??!

Nick: NO WAY! That is just AWESOME! HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!

 

ROTFLMAO!!!!

 

ROFL...I'm getting images of the King of the Lab running joke from 'Bones'.

Grissom: Alas poor Warrick, I knew him Horatio...wait, Horatio? what is he doing here? This is a Vegas case.
H *takes off sunnies* There are...ties my friend. We have...a case together.
Grissom *runs off screaming* ahhhh! Sunglasses....one liners...hummer!!!

 

Grissom decides to hire Ceasar Milan, The Dog Whisperer to find a way to have a more harmonious relationship with Nick.

Milan: Mr. Grissom, I zink da problem here is dat you need to exert calm-assertive energy to Nick here. Remember you are the pack leader, and Nick is the trouble maker of your pack.

Grissom: Yes, I would agree.

Pats a confused Nick on the shoulder.

Milan: You see, Nick is not balanced.

Nick: I'm balanced!

Milan: No you're not Nick, you're not balanced. You've been through a lot of stuff that has turned you into a very aggressive, angry CSI-we must find a way to make you more balanced.

Grissom: He's right Nick, you're not balanced, you're mentally unbalanced, it's okay Nick we can deal with it.

Nick stares at the men with a WTF look

Milan: So, therefore, I think you need to make sure he gets good nutrition, affection and discipline.

Grissom: Can I do two out of three, I don't do affection.

Milan: It's a start, but first I'll show you a technique to exert your pack leadership.

Grabs Nick, pins him down to the floor, Nick snarls and kicks but Milan has got a good hold on him.

Milan: This is how you show your dominance, Mr. Grissom, make sure he knows your dat pack leader. This is how it is done in the dog world.

Nick: GET OFF ME..

Grissom comes over and holds Nick down.

Milan: Remember, calm-assertive energy Mr. Grissom, this is how you'll get Nick to be a more, balanced, happy, a calm submissive CSI


Nick is still kicking and screaming: GET OF ME!!

Milan: This will take a while, he's very unbalanced and is exhibiting signs of aggression..as he is trying to challange your pack leadership Mr. Grissom.

Nick: I'll show you aggression.

He bites the dog whisperer who scruffs and holds him down.

Milan: Calm-Assertive energy

Grissom sits on Nick's legs: Calm-assertive energy, gotcha...

 

Grissom: What is your name?
The Who: Who are you… who who… who who…
Suspect: (looks around for musicians): I am Sherlock Holmes.
The Who: We won’t get fooled again. No no.
Suspect: Who’s singing?
Grissom: That’s right, it’s The Who. Don’t mind them. They always follow us around. Now, give me your real name.
Suspect: Maybe my name is Tommy.
The Who: He’s a Pinball Wizard.
Suspect: Yeah. That’s it. I’m innocent. You can’t prove a thing.
The Who: I get my back into my living…
Brass: *groan* He’s not talking.
Grissom: The evidence will convict him.
The Who: I know you've deceived me, now here's a surprise
I know that you have 'cause there's magic in my eyes
I can see for miles and miles and miles and miles and miles
Oh yeah
Grissom: Oh, shut up, Daltrey. I knew we should have gotten the Monkees.
The Monkees: Here we come, walking down the street…

 

LOL that was so funny!!!

 

(Greg is leaving the lab with his bags, apparently he has been fired.)

Greg: Farewell Las Vegas Metro Police Department Crime Lab! I loved, I lost, and I SAW BOOBIES! What more could a man ask for?

Sara: (Surprised) You LOVED?!?!?

Wendy: (Surprised) You're a man?!?!?

Ronnie: (Surprised) You saw BOOBIES?!?!?!?

 

BWHAHA! Too good!:guffaw:

 

That same BBQ myfutureCSI mentioned but a little different....

Catherine: Wow, Grissom that was some excellent meat
Nick: Yeah brilliant man...
Sara *looks around* Wasn't Ecklie supposed to be here
Grissom *points at BBQ* He is...

 

^

After the barbacue..

Nick shrugs: Well he came into my barber shop and I just had to kill him..sorry..that homicidal part of me that I keep WELL HIDDEN...just popped out.."

Grissom : Well we got rid of Ecklie, so whose next..

Nick(With a gleam in his eye, razor in hand and cockney English accent): How's about a shave Grissom?

 

Love the Sweeney Todd association there *pictures Cath as Mrs Lovett*....

 

From an ad appearing in all Nevada papers:

WANTED: experienced law enforcement officer to fill unexpected vacancy in Clark County Sheriff's Department. Must have NO ties to organized crimes.

 

Nick looks up and thinks: Damn!

 

These are so great!
I'm so glad this thread was revived. It brightens up my day during IT class :lol:

Here's a random one...
Greg: Hodges, wanna screw?