Nick Song Fic Ch #8 - "Angel"- Now up!

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Re: Nick Fic Song Ch #4 - "11th Commandment"-Stories Up, Feedback Welc

Awwww yay!!!
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They're up, they're up!!! :D Great work on the site again, Egeria :) I love it :D

And I do love them all :) I'll need some time to get all the reviews done though... and they won't be in the right order... since I read them at work from e-mail and write the reviews there to post them... but I hope I'll get them all done till end of the week... otherwise Smokey will post the last reviews for me :) Thanks in advance, Smokey ;)

So... that's what I got so far...

Silver Lining:


Aww who wouldn’t like to see Nick as a father??? Great that you let it happen in your story :)
People can be very cruel to their own children… it’s a good thing that Parker will have a better future then the one other children have.
Nick got through the first shock pretty well… and was then there for his son. I liked that the case itself wasn’t that important in your story and that you focused on the family part.
I think I know who you are and because of that I think I can say one thing that always comes to my mind when I read your stories… you know, I like the story ideas but somehow I miss the feelings… you know in that story for example Nick would be scared because he isn’t sure if he can raise a child all by himself and he would be happy to have finally found him. I know you mentioned it all somehow but it didn’t catch me really… you could go more into details on that part… Maybe I’m not the right one to tell you that because I have only written four stories so far, but I am a “feeling-reader” and so I can’t get enough of emotions and feelings… I know it is all their in your head, you just need to get it on paper ;) It is just a thought and I think it would make your stories even better :D

For The Children:


Well, that was an interesting read… I liked the concept with the CSI’s and the things they usually have to deal with. You included the whole team and let them all have their own experience at work to deal with. And you had one person, Nick, to speak out what they all think. And you wrote so well the different opinions towards the handling of crimes like those against children. The younger and not as well experienced members empathize more than the older ones… because the longer you are on a job like this, the more you learn to have your feelings towards the victims in check. For Cath, Brass and Al it happened… it’s not like it doesn’t matter to them but they’ve seen it all and can handle it as a simple new case. For Riley, Greg and Ray it’s the other way round. But the role Nick plays in that game is different. He was a victim of himself and empathizes even with all his experience and the things he had seen in all those years, like on his first day.
I liked that you wrote him as the one who asks the question why God didn’t include the children in his ten commandments and that he sees himself as the one to follow the commandment God seems to have forgotten.
I know who you are (For sure! ;)) because of the way you wrote Nick and because of how well you included the song lyrics in your story :D

Thoughts Of A Mother:


Awww I’d like to have a Mom like that… Nick is lucky to have her in his life :) It’s fascinating isn’t it??? To see what a Mom thinks when her child experienced something horrible in his/her life and what they do to make it better… It’s sad that people sometimes don’t think too much about what they got. A Mom like that is a gift for everybody and one can never be thankful enough to have someone like that on our side. I’m sad to say that I don’t know who wrote this one :( But I can tell that I’d like to have a Mom like the one you wrote about :)

Honour Thy Child:

This story is so true... Sometimes it's hard to believe that anything good is coming out from reporting crimes against children because every time the child will need to get through the whole ordeal again and again... and Nick of course doesn't want to put them through it all again...
I liked how you let him realize that he does in fact help them, even he himself thinks different.
Sometimes it takes someone else to open our eyes... and the letter you let Nick read did exactly that. Not the more experienced co-workers could show him that... it needed to come from the victim. I would myself never be able to built a barrier between myself and those poor children, so I really understand how Nick is feeling...
I know who you are :D I think you thought that you would be able to get through this time without rating yourself out... but you failed :lol: It's just your style :)
 
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Re: Nick Fic Song Ch #4 - "11th Commandment"-Stories Up, Feedback Welc

Ok, here's my first set of reviews. The stories are truly amazing. This was a tough song and the stories are so intense. I have a knot in my stomach just reading these first four.

Honour Thy Child: This was an intense story. I can just imagine what it's like to look at children's rapes and kiddie porn over and over again. Though going for my degree in Computer Forensics, I just may find out. I think Nick was a good choice to help out. I would hope that this would, somehow, help him with what happened when he was nine-years-old. To help a girl who is in another country is amazing. I'm glad the mother wrote a letter, I think it will give Nick the strength he'll need to go on and then I think he needs to take some time off. I, also, loved how you added Sara in this story and how Nick feels. He should feel that way. They all should. Great story and take on the lyrics.

Faith: OMG, that story was just, just...can't find the words for it, except I now have a sick knot in my stomach from reading it. It's been a long time a story has made me really want to cry, not to mention scream out in anger. This little girl didn't deserve a life like this and though very hard to read, I like that you let us into the girl's little mind that she did have a moment of happiness when she was in Nick's arms. An angel. Yeah, that's Nick. At least in the end, her soul will be happy and she can live with the angels. The story was a difficult read and I think you captured Nick's feelings perfectly. Hitting the wall. I thought for sure I'd be feeling sorry for anyone who got in his way. Nick you made that little girl happy, if just for a moment and you'll always be her 'angel'.

The Eleventh Commandment is: Now that was a very interesting take on the lyrics. That was one twisted kid. To actually believe that God intended children to do nothing, not to work or anything? Brass is right, it's putting words in God mouth. So either this kid has a high IQ and is looking for a sanity defense, or wanting to get out of doing chores, or he truly believe this to be true. Religious fanatics, they scare me and when they do something like this, it's even scarier. I really like the story and the kid's description of his beliefs and what he did and why, wow.

Spiderman: At first I was wondering who were talking about and to see it was Nick? The poor kid. I like the different take on this in that Nick felt so safe with his father and that is was his father that came into the room and not the mother. It's sad that he had to lose his 'superhero' because of what she did to him. However, I'm glad that Nick had the courage to come to terms with it and he felt it was time to let his father know what happened. Though like his father said, I think he knew not only that something happened, but what had happened. It's a shame his father didn't pushed, but maybe he didn't really want to know. It's hard for a parent to know their child has been molested and they couldn't do anything about it. I think his father felt that way.
 
Re: Nick Fic Song Ch #4 - "11th Commandment"-Stories Up, Feedback Welc

Honour Thy Child

I like how you plunge the reader directly into Nick’s thoughts. You give him a real sense of depression and disillusionment, even though its not clear at first what team he has joined it’s obviously having an effect on him.

Maddie’s story is heartbreaking; it’s a very emotional catalyst for the progression of the story.

Nick’s interview was interesting, with Nick’s non-disclosure of his past, the reader gets some foreshadowing into how difficult the job will be for Nick.

I’m really pleased that Nick was able to bring closure to the case, even if it’s from so far away. I love the scene with the kid yelling for ice cream, it just goes to show how Nick’s instinct is to look for danger, not innocence. The job and the case dredge up the past and really makes the reader feel for Nick.

The thank you email was beautiful, and exactly what Nick needed to give him the strength to carry on.

This was a good story with a difficult but uplifting ending. I would suggest that your sentence structure and grammar could use some polishing up, but without a beta reader this was still a really good read.

Faith

From the start you really immersed the reader into the scene with devastating effect. The image of Nick comforting Faith is so sweet and you described the scene so well it was like being there.

I like the way you addressed the ‘incidentals’ so that the reader could focus on the important part of the story without wondering about the background stuff. It added more poignancy to the situation and Nick’s care of the little girl.

I really love the name Nick gave Faith. It gives the reader a sense of hope. And then you went and broke our hearts. I was crying while reading this, I think because it’s so descriptive and so believable.

I just wish there was a way for Nick to know that Faith *did* have that moment of happiness. But his not knowing about it is as poignant and heartbreaking as poor Faith’s life.

The only thing I would suggest is to watch for continuity. In the same scene Nick was wearing his jacket, but then was wearing his vest. All in all I think you succeeded in getting an emotional and visceral reaction from me. Like speedy I felt a little sick while reading this because it’s so real and detailed.

The Eleventh Commandment IS

You’ve got a very atmospheric start, with a lot of detail setting up the scene. It was very easy to visualise and feel the same confusion and incredulity as Nick and Greg were feeling. The reader is immersed in the scene from the start and motivated to read on and find out what happened.

Your set up is intriguing, the cause of death is enough to keep the reader guessing, and provides a good bridge into the interview scene.

I have to say the interview between Jackson and Nick started innocently enough until it became clear what Jackson's true motives were. Then I was Holy Cow WTF?!! OMG WOW! That was a really good use of escalation into the revelation of the twist, which I was sooo not expecting!! The story ends well with a believable interchange between Nick and Brass.

I did notice a few missing words from your story here and there but it didn’t impact the story or its effect. Without a beta reader these things can be easy to miss.

Really this was a great story with a fantastic twist that was delivered in a believable and suspenseful manner.
 
Re: Nick Fic Song Ch #4 - "11th Commandment"-Stories Up, Feedback Welc

Some more reviews from me :D


Tell God:

I know who wrote this one… sorry, it’s your unique style ;) I really like the idea of this one… I think that Nick needs the help of people who had been victims like him. The ending is so heart wrenching… how you let the little boy giving Nick a message from God. You know, I hope that there is really a place where all children would be loved. As sad as it is, not every child gets the love a kid would deserve…
I think you did a good job on this one, even you needed to write it down in a hurry… you know what??? I think if you would have had enough time to think this story through it would have been perfect. I so like this line: “God told me to tell you that he was sorry Nick. He never wanted anybody to hurt you either.” It’s what Nick needed… because I guess somehow he was wondering himself why something like that could happen.
Your story is sad, really sad and it shows why Nick is doing this job. He is doing it to get justice for poor souls like Chris and also for himself. He sees himself as the one who needs to make sure that the children in this world aren’t forgotten.

The Eleventh Commandment IS:

Well, this was some different way of using the song… that was really outside of the box… and very creative. I wish I’ll never have children like those… man, how the hell can people really think like that??? They’re a sorry excuse for all the children we should protect and not harm in any way. The sad thing on your story is that the boy didn’t even think he was wrong… and that even there are so many other poor children out there who would love to live in a family he destroyed… That really makes me sick…
I’m not sure if you are who I think you are… but somehow I have also no one else on my list who could have written this story, so I guess I’m right :D You wrote your story so obviously different from us all, that I really wonder how you get ideas like that… I had only one thing coming to my mind while reading the lyrics but it definitely wasn’t even close to your idea…
That shows how different people interpret a song that seems to give us such obvious story content.


Spiderman:

Great that I know who wrote this one, because I know that you can take criticism if it's well explained... well... where do I start??? The great things of course :D I liked the whole story concept. It was great, how you had Spiderman as a hint through your whole story. It's amaizing how one single event can change everything, isn't it??? I really liked how you wrote Nick's thoughts about Spiderman over the years... from superhero to the most hated fictional character in the world... And most of all I liked how you let Nick coming out of it, how you let him tell his secret. It was special that you wrote the whole thing between Nick and his dad... that was a great idea :)
So... now my criticism ;) I know you run out of time... but hey, nobody would have minded if you had taken your time to re-read your story for grammar, spelling and typing issues... it is really sad because the story itself is so great... You know that Nick is "Pancho" not "Poncho", right??? ;) Well I'm not the right one to criticize other peoples English BUT even I found some mistakes who wouldn't have been in the story if you would have taken your time to re-read your story, I'm sure. This one should be published... without the mistakes of course ;)



So, only two reviews left for me... I hope the writers have a little patience because I really need to think about them before I post them... and I don't want to cry openly at work... I hope it'll be worth the wait though...
 
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Re: Nick Fic Song Ch #4 - "11th Commandment"-Stories Up, Feedback Welc

Spiderman

I like the childlike litany of actions at the start of this story. It really puts the reader into the mind of a child and reinforces the idea of innocence.

Children are very astute and my heart breaks for Nick who sees the evil in his babysitters eyes. And when he prayed for Spiderman to come save him, that moment was so poignant, as is Bill’s discovery of Nick’s Spiderman gear in the bin.

The scene at breakfast was equally heartbreaking and so believable from all points of view. I like how it’s Bill trying to get his son to open up and I found myself urging Nick to tell his parents what happened.

The dialogue between Nick and Warrick flows so naturally, it’s a good bridge to the next scene. I love how Nick’s emotions change from dejection and despair to a calm sense of peace.

I think it’s great how you portrayed Nick’s relationship with his dad, and the closure Nick gets from finally telling Cisco what happened is a beautiful and uplifting way to end the story.

There were just a few spelling errors and grammatical issues in the story, especially in the dialogue but all in all this was a really great story with a positive and healing ending that is not only good for Nick, but good for the reader as well.

Still Smoldering

I love the introduction, getting a glimpse into the mind of an arsonist. It really sets the stage for the story, even if it’s not the ending one would expect.

Nick’s ability to read people is evident in his interrogation, and he’s definitely the right person to be there and see past the crime to the motivation. The interaction in the interrogation room was so detailed and descriptive I felt as thought I were watching from the observation room.

The confrontation between Nick and Brass was good, very believable with Brass spot on in character.

Nick’s conversation with Michael was brilliant, and shocking too when Michael asks Nick if he told his own mom. The reader really empathises with both Nick and Michael. The sense was tense and hard hitting, but necessary too.

The ending is so descriptive and I love how you leave the reader to decide if he actually told his mom about what happened to him, or if he just wanted to hear her voice.

The only thing that confused me was why Michael was holding on to his keeping his jacket so tightly. I wasn’t sure if he was hiding something (bruises?), or if it was just his security blanket.

I enjoyed this story very much, even though it dealt with a dark subject, it seemed lighter somehow, with a positive and healing feel about it.


Tell God

Your beginning is good, really evokes that ‘can’t sleep’ feeling and I empathized with Nick right from the start. I do feel sorry for him, getting called to work just when he was finally getting to sleep.

The escalation of tension was fast and believable, the drama of the unfolding hostage situation being relayed by Ecklie was intense and it felt like I was in the room, maybe standing behind Nick and Catherine as events happened.

The scene at the house gave me chills; the father saying he sent the kids to visit God is probably the most sinister line of this whole challenge. The detail of the massacre is really engrossing, the reader is immersed in the scene and left horrified and heartbroken.

I’m so glad Nick was there for Chris’ final moments, and again I got chills when I read his last words to Nick. That was really inspired.

Your phrasing and sentence structure could use some polish but all in all this was a really moving story, very thoughtful and detailed.
 
Re: Nick Fic Song Ch #4 - "11th Commandment"-Stories Up, Feedback Welc

Anyone interested in having the authors revealed?? :D

As soon as all of the reviews are in...hint hint! ;)
 
Re: Nick Fic Song Ch #4 - "11th Commandment"-Stories Up, Feedback Welc

Ummm, aren't we suppose to have a week to read and review? :shifty:

Some people have no patience! :p
 
Re: Nick Fic Song Ch #4 - "11th Commandment"-Stories Up, Feedback Welc

Okay here we go..

Honour Thy Child:

A nice twist on his job. It was interesting that I had just watched Oprah the other day and they were interviewing law enforcement involved in these kinds of cases. It is a very stressful career and very traumatizing.

Faith:

Poor Nick and poor little thing. My heart broke when I read this story. I cannot believe there was no one there to help her. How sad. Very, very well written. A story that tugged at the heart strings. I liked how you got inside her mind. It reminded me of the story Lovely Bones. Great job!

The Eleventh Commandment Is:

The opening scene was very CSI, visual, bloody, gory. The twist in the end was something I really could see happening on the show. I loved it and as a mom it gave me food for thought.

Spiderman:

How sad that Nick will always associate Spiderman with his molestation, but I am glad in the end he told his dad. It is hard to face a trauma like that and you did great, better than the writers who dropped it.

For The Children:

I struggled with this story because I cannot picture Nick talking that way or describing women in that way. He is a very empathatic person, but I guess here he lost his empathy. I take it that he is struggling with these cases involving children, it certainly showed in this one.

Still Smoldering:

Wow, that was great. I enjoyed it very much. Nick certainly knew how to get through to that little boy, and I loved the twist with the little boy asking him about his own event. Kids are very insightful. Wonderful story.

Tell God:

Oh my lord, another hearbreaker. Very, very well written. It was so powerful I could visualize it. The ending was very fitting and I really can see Nick saying something along those lines.

Thoughts of a Mother:

Wondeful story. I loved how Mrs. Stokes went through his things, remembering all those times as a youngster. I do the same thing from time to time. And it was to great how his mom suspected something was wrong, but never knew for sure. I enjoyed this story very much.

Silver Lining:

Daddy Stokes. Wow that was different, great but different. I like the idea of Nick being a dad to a kid and I saw it coming wit the pictures, but it was a great story.

I have to say the stories keep getting better and better each round. Applause!!!

Apoligies for the short reviews, I will try and do them sooner next time so I can get into detail more.
 
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Re: Nick Fic Song Ch #4 - "11th Commandment"-Stories Up, Feedback Welc

Smokey said:
Anyone interested in having the authors revealed?? :D

As soon as all of the reviews are in...hint hint! ;)
Click to expand...
I haven't had the chance to read and review yet!
I'm trying to get to it but its been one of those weeks. You can always reveal the authors and I'll still review. I'll just know which authors to be brutually honest with ;) coughSMOKEYcough :p
 
Re: Nick Fic Song Ch #4 - "11th Commandment"-Stories Up, Feedback Welc

bookgirl20 said:
Smokey said:
Anyone interested in having the authors revealed?? :D

As soon as all of the reviews are in...hint hint! ;)
Click to expand...
I haven't had the chance to read and review yet!
I'm trying to get to it but its been one of those weeks. You can always reveal the authors and I'll still review. I'll just know which authors to be brutually honest with ;) coughSMOKEYcough :p
Click to expand...

yeahright.gif


I think not! :lol:

That's all right. Everyone take your time. I'm in no hurry. Really. I'm not. You can believe me. It's okay. I'll be fine. Really.
whistler.gif
 
Re: Nick Fic Song Ch #4 - "11th Commandment"-Stories Up, Feedback Welc

For the Children

There’s a lot going on in this story, and I like how you tied the weather into the emotions of the team.

I like the idea of the ‘roundtable’ discussion, like they are a true and cohesive team all benefiting from each other’s input.

I think it’s unfortunate that Nick is in such a temper that he has no sympathy, and that he’s jumping to conclusions before the facts are known. It’s not really like him to be so uncharitable, and I feel sorry for him. I hope he doesn’t hate himself!

So many tough cases! You did a good job of providing all the background information into each case. I like how Catherine kept her cool, and was able to impart why she is so detached.

I did notice there were some spelling, grammar and punctuation errors throughout, and I think it could have helped to have revealed from the start who was sitting around the table. I found myself keeping count as I read, which detracted a little from getting fully immersed in the story.

Otherwise, it’s a really good story, very emotional and hard hitting.

Thoughts of a Mother

Your story is really descriptive, and I love the setting of a quiet, sun-filled room. There’s a real sense of peace in the story that’s soothing.

Writing the story from Jillian’s point of view is aninteresting interpretation of the song. I’m amazed you got such a beautiful and loving story from such a difficult subject. It made a refreshing change from the darkness of some of the other stories.

I love the idea of a photo album for Nick. I think he’d like that and it makes a great focus to take the story from thought to thought.

I love the paragraph on how Nick's eyes are like Jillian's. It gives the reader a real connection with Jillian. Then you show us Nick’s room through her eyes, a nice touch to immerse the reader into the story and surroundings. Then unpacking the box…wow, that was so sweet. I love the teddy bear! I wonder if Nick misses it? :p

I love the way you describe the photographs, and with Jillian’s thoughts on each one it’s like being there and looking at them.
It’s really sad how she knew something had changed in Nick, but never knew what. The retelling of her version of events was heartbreaking, knowing what we know about Nick.

There were a few run on sentences and I would have liked to see some speech too amongst all the thoughts, maybe Jillian talking to herself or even to the bear :D. But really this was such a sweet story and I enjoyed it very much.

Silver Lining

Interesting start, giving Nick an upsetting case only to kick him when he’s down the next day! Nice use of foreshadowing.

You really threw both Nick and the reader for a loop! Nick as a dad…wow. That’s a really unique interpretation of the song!

I like Nick’s conversation with Catherine which shows the friendship and trust they have between them. Nick’s parents showing up was a nice touch too. I like that he asked them for advice on raising a kid, like does he have to child-proof his house :D

And the last scene, with Nick and Parker at Warrick’s grave…that’s so beautiful.

I think the story could use more descriptive phrasing and actions, telling the reader *how* a character is talking, or moving helps immerse them into the story and visualise it more easily. Still, this was a really positive story with a heartwarming ending. I enjoyed that.
 
Re: Nick Fic Song Ch #4 - "11th Commandment"-Stories Up, Feedback Welc

Ok, the last of my reviews. This round of stories have been powerful, heartbreaking, and surprising, happy at times.

This song really hit a nerve and was a tough one, but the stories that came out of it was truly amazing.

Great job, everyone!

Now without further ado:

For The Children: Great story. I could see all of them sitting around the conference table going over their cases. It doesn't surprise me that it seems to hit Nick the hardest. Nick's cyncism seems out of character, but it's not. We may not see it on the show, but at some point Nick's going to lose it. Catherine was right to 'scold' Nick and she's right, there has to be some type of detachment, but Nick was molested so it has to be harder for him. I liked his talk with God at the end. Unfortunately, even if there was an Eleventh Commandment it wouldn't matter. The 10 ones there are now don't matter, so that one wouldn't either. However, I loved how you had Nick say to God that he may have forgotten the children, but he won't. That describes the very essence of Nick Stokes.

Still Smoldering: Another interesting take on the song lyrics. It's sad that a child had to resort to arson to get the abuse to stop. At least he came clean and will get the help he needs. It doesn't surprise me, at all, that Nick was the one to get him to say what happened to him. I really loved how Michael asked Nick if he told his mom. Children aren't as naive as we may think, they see and hear things we don't think they do. I think it is very important that all parents have an open dialogue with children, so the kids can come to them about anything. Assure them that if they are molested that their parents will love them no matter what.

I loved how it you made it seem that Michael gave Nick the courage he needed to pick up the phone and finally tell his mom what happened. Great story!

Tell God: Oh, man, another story that just wants to make you cry. Very powerful story. I can empathize with Nick. They wouldn't have let the child back in that home and they did? I'd be pretty damn angry too. I don't know how Nick does it. To find the boy and then he dies, but to tell Nick that God did mean for him, Nick, to get hurt either. My heart just broke reading this story, that should give the author an idea of how powerful this story is.

Thoughts of a Mother: Aww that was a sweet story. I like how the story was Nick's mother remembering him as a boy. That she knew something happened to her son that fateful night and he changed after that. Doesn't surprise me you could see it in the pictures. A mother knows everything and even if Nick never said what happened, Jillian knows. I think Nick is aware that his mother knows what happened. Very nice story. Great job!

Silver Lining: OMG, a happy story! I loved it! Parker is one lucky little boy and he will have a wonderful life with his daddy. I like that you had his parents show up. I don't understand how a parent can leave their child unattended like that. Of course, being a drug addict, it doesn't surprise me. Parker will bring much happiness to Nick and Parker is one lucky little boy. Not only does he have Nick, he has 'family' in Vegas and family in Texas.

The last scene at Warrick's grave, broke my heart though. I really miss Nick & Rick's friendship.
Of course, Parker is one smart little boy, he is Nick's son after all. This was a great story. Great job!
 
Re: Nick Fic Song Ch #4 - "11th Commandment"-Stories Up, Feedback Welc

Hi!

I'm posting for Kelli (kfk.) she wanted to let you know she'll review the stories later, but don't wait for her reviews. She injured her knee in an accident this week, had surgery, and isn't able to look at the stories right now. She ok, but a little out of it.

She and I wrote the story together this time, one paragragh hers, one mine as a challenge for each other. Any bad paragraphs are mine, not hers.

I read the other stories and they're good. I know why Kelli likes this site.

Thanks

Dave
 
Re: Nick Fic Song Ch #4 - "11th Commandment"-Stories Up, Feedback Welc

KFK said:
Hi!

I'm posting for Kelli (kfk.) she wanted to let you know she'll review the stories later, but don't wait for her reviews. She injured her knee in an accident this week, had surgery, and isn't able to look at the stories right now. She ok, but a little out of it.

She and I wrote the story together this time, one paragragh hers, one mine as a challenge for each other. Any bad paragraphs are mine, not hers.

I read the other stories and they're good. I know why Kelli likes this site.

Thanks

Dave
Click to expand...

Goodness, I'm glad to see that Kell is ok. Our thoughts are with her and thanks for letting us know, Dave!

Tell her to get better real soon!!!
 
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