My First CSI story. CSI: Own Risk
- Thread starter RIPTimSpeedle
- Start date
Sorry about that my bad, The person sent me a pm regarding why the radio was not being used, I am sure they wouldn't mind me telling. The reason i had Warrick shout for Brass instead of using the phone is because Brass is only outside and Warrick is worried for Greg Sanders and not thinking straight.
I didn't think about it when I made that statement. Hope that helps more.
RIPTimSpeedle
Witness
(Thank you Destiny for explaining that about the radio. And i wish to thank you all for the comments you have given me. Please if you have any friends on the site can you ask them to read this story? As i am still new and all of you who read my story so far are the only people i have spoken to on this site. Am glad you are liking the tension am trying to create. And i think i see Mel coming towards me with a pitchfork for more story. Ahhhhhhh! Here goes. Thank you again.)
There is a small apartment. The whole apartment is in darkness the only light coming through a gap in the curtains in the bedroom window, There is a large double bed in the average sized bedroom. On the night stands next to the bed there is a Beretta which was a standard issue for the police force. The Beretta still in it's holster. There is also a glass off water on the night stand next to it. Most of the water had been drunk from the glass leaving only a little left. On the other night stand on the other side of the table was a box of tissues. There was four large pillows covering most of the head board with a large thick cover over the bed. Laying asleep in the bed is a very ill Sara Sidle. Her brown shoulder length hair is thrown all over her face. Her breathing is low and calm. Heading outside into the front room and the kitchen combined into one with just a small counter setting the two areas apart. The curtains in the front room blowing slightly from a small gap cause the window is slightly open. Onto the small coffee table. Sitting on the coffee table was Sara Sidle's CSI Level 3 badge. Next to the CSI badge is a Report from a top CSI in Los Angeles. Next to the report was her mobile phone. The whole room silent apart from a low breeze from the gap in the window. Suddenly Sara Sidle's phone screen lit up. The screen on her phone flashing blue. Her phone letting out a low "Ring Ring". It rings a couple of times as the name flashing on the screen is Gil Grissom. The phone rings a couple more times and then stops. The screen flashing once to show one missed call. The phone begins to ring again as Sara begins to toss and turn in the bed. The phone still ringing a low "Ring Ring" again. Sara's breathing has become quicker and more uncontrolled. The caller's name again flashing up on the phone as Gil Grissom. She tosses and turns a couple more times as the phone stops ringing. It flashes again as two missed calls. Sara's hair is soaking wet and matted to her head and face. She is sweating badly as her face turns into a anguish site of pain. She mumbles through parted lips.
SIDLE: Noo. Noo. Wait!
Sara's eyes slowly open. She turns on her side grabbing her Beretta out of it's holster and sits up in the bed waking up. She quickly scans the room with the Beretta raised. She carefully looks round her empty bedroom. She lets the Beretta's aim drop into her lap. She turns round putting her Beretta back on her night stand. She had been having the same nightmare for the past 2 weeks ever since that case. Before she began to think back to the case she stopped her mind thinking and turned round grabbing the glass of water. She drank the contents of the glass trying to empty her mind of the case and as the last of the water slipped down her mouth she remembered the report from Los Angeles she still needed to read. She didn't like the idea of trying to go back to sleep. Her sleep time had been cut in half since the nightmares began. She turned round swinging her legs out of the bed and stood up still holding the glass. She was wearing dark grey Pajamas pants and a black tank top. She heads out of her bed room and into her front room. She turns grabbing the report not even looking at her mobile phone. She heads over into the kitchen and goes to the sink. She turns on the tap as the water slowly pours out she holds her glass under it looking at the front page of the report. Sara turns back and knocks the tap off as the water gets to about a inch away from the top of the tall thin glass. She heads back over into the front room round the counter taking a small couple of sips of water from the glass. She sits down in a comfy single chair next to the table on the other side of the table away from her phone. She puts the glass down on the table as she sits back and opens the report to page 16 where she was last up to. The report was focusing on techniques used by CSI's so far and some possible new tests they could use that where still in the tried and tested areas of being recognised. Sara lifts the page up and begins to read.
There is a small apartment. The whole apartment is in darkness the only light coming through a gap in the curtains in the bedroom window, There is a large double bed in the average sized bedroom. On the night stands next to the bed there is a Beretta which was a standard issue for the police force. The Beretta still in it's holster. There is also a glass off water on the night stand next to it. Most of the water had been drunk from the glass leaving only a little left. On the other night stand on the other side of the table was a box of tissues. There was four large pillows covering most of the head board with a large thick cover over the bed. Laying asleep in the bed is a very ill Sara Sidle. Her brown shoulder length hair is thrown all over her face. Her breathing is low and calm. Heading outside into the front room and the kitchen combined into one with just a small counter setting the two areas apart. The curtains in the front room blowing slightly from a small gap cause the window is slightly open. Onto the small coffee table. Sitting on the coffee table was Sara Sidle's CSI Level 3 badge. Next to the CSI badge is a Report from a top CSI in Los Angeles. Next to the report was her mobile phone. The whole room silent apart from a low breeze from the gap in the window. Suddenly Sara Sidle's phone screen lit up. The screen on her phone flashing blue. Her phone letting out a low "Ring Ring". It rings a couple of times as the name flashing on the screen is Gil Grissom. The phone rings a couple more times and then stops. The screen flashing once to show one missed call. The phone begins to ring again as Sara begins to toss and turn in the bed. The phone still ringing a low "Ring Ring" again. Sara's breathing has become quicker and more uncontrolled. The caller's name again flashing up on the phone as Gil Grissom. She tosses and turns a couple more times as the phone stops ringing. It flashes again as two missed calls. Sara's hair is soaking wet and matted to her head and face. She is sweating badly as her face turns into a anguish site of pain. She mumbles through parted lips.
SIDLE: Noo. Noo. Wait!
Sara's eyes slowly open. She turns on her side grabbing her Beretta out of it's holster and sits up in the bed waking up. She quickly scans the room with the Beretta raised. She carefully looks round her empty bedroom. She lets the Beretta's aim drop into her lap. She turns round putting her Beretta back on her night stand. She had been having the same nightmare for the past 2 weeks ever since that case. Before she began to think back to the case she stopped her mind thinking and turned round grabbing the glass of water. She drank the contents of the glass trying to empty her mind of the case and as the last of the water slipped down her mouth she remembered the report from Los Angeles she still needed to read. She didn't like the idea of trying to go back to sleep. Her sleep time had been cut in half since the nightmares began. She turned round swinging her legs out of the bed and stood up still holding the glass. She was wearing dark grey Pajamas pants and a black tank top. She heads out of her bed room and into her front room. She turns grabbing the report not even looking at her mobile phone. She heads over into the kitchen and goes to the sink. She turns on the tap as the water slowly pours out she holds her glass under it looking at the front page of the report. Sara turns back and knocks the tap off as the water gets to about a inch away from the top of the tall thin glass. She heads back over into the front room round the counter taking a small couple of sips of water from the glass. She sits down in a comfy single chair next to the table on the other side of the table away from her phone. She puts the glass down on the table as she sits back and opens the report to page 16 where she was last up to. The report was focusing on techniques used by CSI's so far and some possible new tests they could use that where still in the tried and tested areas of being recognised. Sara lifts the page up and begins to read.
Really great chapter.
Although one thing that concerns me, is that your paragraphs are really long and close together. Perhaps it would be a little easier to separate the paragraphs so it's easier to focus on the story, rather than the format. - Just a suggestion though.
The story continues to be fascinating, and it really leaves everything open to interpretation. I hope you continue on this route, and surely we'll all be back at the edge of our seats and entertained until the very last chapter.
Although one thing that concerns me, is that your paragraphs are really long and close together. Perhaps it would be a little easier to separate the paragraphs so it's easier to focus on the story, rather than the format. - Just a suggestion though.
The story continues to be fascinating, and it really leaves everything open to interpretation. I hope you continue on this route, and surely we'll all be back at the edge of our seats and entertained until the very last chapter.
MacsGirlMel
Mac's Personal Assistant
Please write more soon, I need more lol.
RIPTimSpeedle
Witness
(Thanks again for the feedback. I have took the idea of spliting the paragraphs more. To help on the eyes. Hope you like the next part.)
Inside the Morgue. The bright lights showing a very clean room with two computers round the outside. There is two large tables. One of the tables is empty. The other has the dead body from the crime scene laying on it. All his clothes have been removed. there is a long blue cloth covering his lower half. The man's skin has gone very pale almost white. Standing over the body is Doc Robbins. A very smart man in his late 50's. He has a white and grey beard and moustache. His hair is slowly thinning ontop of his head. His face portays kindness and caring. His glasses are hanging on thread which is round his neck. They lightly bounce on his chest as he walks. He is wearing black shoes and black pants the rest of him is covered in a long blue overall that ties at the back. On one of his hands he has a latex glove the other is holding his crutch.
He heads over to the desk by the doors after checking looking round the victims throat. He takes his hand out his crutch and picks up a file. He lifts his glasses up looking at it. One of the doors swings open and Gil Grissom walks in alone. Grissom takes two gloves out the box on the end of the table as he walks over to the body. Doc Robbins notices how Grissom seems rushed unlike his normal self. Doc Robbins puts the file down and takes his crutch using it to get back over to the table. Doc Robbins gets to the body as he speaks.
ROBBINS: Hello Grissom.
GRISSOM: Hello Doctor. So what can you tell me about the victim?
ROBBINS: Well cause of death was blunt force trauma to the back of the skull. Possible multiple blows to the back of the skull. Caused massive damage to the skull forcing the skull to crack. Also due to the nature of the wounds the man suffered brain hemmoraging and some blood clotting. Part of the fracture in the skull itself piercing the left temporal brain lobe causing the brain itself to just shut down. Death would of been within seconds. Time of death puts it most likely between 9 and 11 this evening.
GRISSOM: What can you tell me about the weapon?
ROBBINS: The weapon was a long cylinder like object. I was thinking baseball bat until i found these.
Doc Robbins turns round grabbing a small capped tub off the small metal table next to him. He hands it over to Grissom. Grissom holds it up towards the light.
GRISSOM: What are those?
ROBBINS: Tiny little metal fragments. I found more in the wound tract. I sent them off to trace.
GRISSOM: Anything else?
ROBBINS: Clothing i already sent off to Nick. But i did also found small fibres in the wound.
GRISSOM: Yeah. I found those at the crime scene.
ROBBINS: Well i took a couple and sent them off to the labs.
GRISSOM: Ok. Thanks Doc.
Grissom turns round and begins to head out as Doc Robbins puts his hand back into his crutch and steps round the table. Grissom pulls his latex gloves off and throws them in the bin.
ROBBINS: Grissom?
Grissom turns round looking over at the doctor. He steps forward over to Grissom.
GRISSOM: Yes? Doc.
ROBBINS: I heard what happened to Warrick and Greg. Am sorry. I hope they are ok.
GRISSOM: Yeah. Me too. Thanks Doc.
Grissom turns and heads out as Doc Robbins turns round taking his latex glove off and throws it in the bin. Doc Robbins then walks over to the desk and sits down leaning his crutch on the desk next to the chair. He takes a pen and begins to write in his report.
Inside the Morgue. The bright lights showing a very clean room with two computers round the outside. There is two large tables. One of the tables is empty. The other has the dead body from the crime scene laying on it. All his clothes have been removed. there is a long blue cloth covering his lower half. The man's skin has gone very pale almost white. Standing over the body is Doc Robbins. A very smart man in his late 50's. He has a white and grey beard and moustache. His hair is slowly thinning ontop of his head. His face portays kindness and caring. His glasses are hanging on thread which is round his neck. They lightly bounce on his chest as he walks. He is wearing black shoes and black pants the rest of him is covered in a long blue overall that ties at the back. On one of his hands he has a latex glove the other is holding his crutch.
He heads over to the desk by the doors after checking looking round the victims throat. He takes his hand out his crutch and picks up a file. He lifts his glasses up looking at it. One of the doors swings open and Gil Grissom walks in alone. Grissom takes two gloves out the box on the end of the table as he walks over to the body. Doc Robbins notices how Grissom seems rushed unlike his normal self. Doc Robbins puts the file down and takes his crutch using it to get back over to the table. Doc Robbins gets to the body as he speaks.
ROBBINS: Hello Grissom.
GRISSOM: Hello Doctor. So what can you tell me about the victim?
ROBBINS: Well cause of death was blunt force trauma to the back of the skull. Possible multiple blows to the back of the skull. Caused massive damage to the skull forcing the skull to crack. Also due to the nature of the wounds the man suffered brain hemmoraging and some blood clotting. Part of the fracture in the skull itself piercing the left temporal brain lobe causing the brain itself to just shut down. Death would of been within seconds. Time of death puts it most likely between 9 and 11 this evening.
GRISSOM: What can you tell me about the weapon?
ROBBINS: The weapon was a long cylinder like object. I was thinking baseball bat until i found these.
Doc Robbins turns round grabbing a small capped tub off the small metal table next to him. He hands it over to Grissom. Grissom holds it up towards the light.
GRISSOM: What are those?
ROBBINS: Tiny little metal fragments. I found more in the wound tract. I sent them off to trace.
GRISSOM: Anything else?
ROBBINS: Clothing i already sent off to Nick. But i did also found small fibres in the wound.
GRISSOM: Yeah. I found those at the crime scene.
ROBBINS: Well i took a couple and sent them off to the labs.
GRISSOM: Ok. Thanks Doc.
Grissom turns round and begins to head out as Doc Robbins puts his hand back into his crutch and steps round the table. Grissom pulls his latex gloves off and throws them in the bin.
ROBBINS: Grissom?
Grissom turns round looking over at the doctor. He steps forward over to Grissom.
GRISSOM: Yes? Doc.
ROBBINS: I heard what happened to Warrick and Greg. Am sorry. I hope they are ok.
GRISSOM: Yeah. Me too. Thanks Doc.
Grissom turns and heads out as Doc Robbins turns round taking his latex glove off and throws it in the bin. Doc Robbins then walks over to the desk and sits down leaning his crutch on the desk next to the chair. He takes a pen and begins to write in his report.
Really, really great chapter! You've got Doc Robbins' personality dead on, and the exchange of words between Grissom and the doctor at the end was effective. It also reminded those who had not yet read previous chapters of what had happened earlier.
The medical dialogue was good, as was the description of the morgue and Doc Robbins. You don't miss a beat. Keep at it.
The medical dialogue was good, as was the description of the morgue and Doc Robbins. You don't miss a beat. Keep at it.
LadySaraButterfly
Corpse
Destiny made a great point here. Your last Chapter was much easier to read with the paragraph breaks. Details do make a story. When you feel like you are part of the story and can visually picture the scene as you read along, makes you want ot come back for more. Nice!!
cocoa_girl18
Pathologist
wow nice, you captured their persona charater.. and you just know when to give the cliffhanger too.
MacsGirlMel
Mac's Personal Assistant
Please continue soon
ButterFlied92
Lab Technician
Wow, this is your first CSI story?! Incredible! This is fantastic and just phonomenal, I might just have to go back and rewrite fifteen chapters I just wrote for my own fic to find a way to make them better because just the way you present the entire thing is awesome. More soon please!