Jokes Thread
- Thread starter glam_chic86
- Start date
cathwillows
CSI Level Three
Detective_Burn said:
^lol liz.
A pitty I only know german jokes. Guess they would lack humor after translation.
yes that'S right! i once tried to translate a german joke into english and here's the result
3 blondes are at the beach. A fairy tells them that each of them has got one free wish. The 1st says “i want to have bigger breasts than i already have” BANG, she’s got them. The 2nd says “i want to be taller than i already am” BANG, she’s taller. And the 3rd says “i want to be more stupid than i already am” BANG.....she’s a man!
I found this list of Classified adds in a book, and they claim these are from actual newspapers. I have no idea if they're real or not. I have a strong suspicion that they are real. I figured I should share sime of them here, I'm writing them exactly as they were written in the book where I found them. I'm writing them exactly as they're wirtten in the bokk where I found 'em.
Free:
Beautiful 6 month old kitten, playful, friedly, very affectionate. OR... Handsome 32 year old husband, personable, funny, good job, but hates cats. Says he goes or the cat goes, come see both and decide which you'd like.
Free! 1 can of Pork & Beans with purchase of 3 bedroom 2 bath home.
German Shepard 85 lbs, neutred, speaks German.
-----
For Sale
1-man, 7-woman hot tub $850
Amana Washer owned by clean bachlor who seldom washed.
Cows, Calves never bred. Also one gay bull for sale.
Tickle Me Elmo, still in box, comes with its own 1988 Ford Mustang 51, Auto, Excellant Condition $6800.
Georgia Peaches - California grown $.89 lb.
Fully cooked boneless smoked man $2.09 lb.
Kellog's Pot Tarts $1.99 box.
Exercise equipment: Queen size mattress and box springs $175.
Used Tombstone, perfect for someone named Homer Hendelbergenheinzel.
For Sale: Lee Majors (6 million dollar man) $50.
Turkey for sale: Partially eaten, eight days old, drumsticks still intact. $23 OBO.
Misc.
Shakespeare's Pizza - Free Chopsticks.
Hummels - Largest selection. If it's in stock, we have it!
Wanted: Someone to go back in time with me. This is not a joke. You'll get paid after we get back. Must bring your own weapons. Safety not guaranteed. I have only done this once before.
Hairobert: If we can't make you look good...You ugly.
Tired of cleaning yourself?
Let me do it.
Free:
Beautiful 6 month old kitten, playful, friedly, very affectionate. OR... Handsome 32 year old husband, personable, funny, good job, but hates cats. Says he goes or the cat goes, come see both and decide which you'd like.
Free! 1 can of Pork & Beans with purchase of 3 bedroom 2 bath home.
German Shepard 85 lbs, neutred, speaks German.
-----
For Sale
1-man, 7-woman hot tub $850
Amana Washer owned by clean bachlor who seldom washed.
Cows, Calves never bred. Also one gay bull for sale.
Tickle Me Elmo, still in box, comes with its own 1988 Ford Mustang 51, Auto, Excellant Condition $6800.
Georgia Peaches - California grown $.89 lb.
Fully cooked boneless smoked man $2.09 lb.
Kellog's Pot Tarts $1.99 box.
Exercise equipment: Queen size mattress and box springs $175.
Used Tombstone, perfect for someone named Homer Hendelbergenheinzel.
For Sale: Lee Majors (6 million dollar man) $50.
Turkey for sale: Partially eaten, eight days old, drumsticks still intact. $23 OBO.
Misc.
Shakespeare's Pizza - Free Chopsticks.
Hummels - Largest selection. If it's in stock, we have it!
Wanted: Someone to go back in time with me. This is not a joke. You'll get paid after we get back. Must bring your own weapons. Safety not guaranteed. I have only done this once before.
Hairobert: If we can't make you look good...You ugly.
Tired of cleaning yourself?
Let me do it.
The Martha organization courses for me
(The Martha organization is a Finnish home economics organization, promotes the quality and standard of life in the home)
1. Stupidity and it's alternatives
2. Even you can do domestic work
3. PMS - Pre Menstrual Syndrome aka when it's the best time to shut up
4. How to fill icecubemold, advanced level is new, how to fill icecubebag
5. We don't want disgusting underwear for Christmas presents - Money is fine
6. How I interpret woman's reactions when I get home drunk at 4am
7. The elegance of laundry (was know before as 'hands of from my silk clothes!)
8. Fatherhood - it continues also after the fertilization
9. Get a Life - Learn to cook
10. How I avoid acting like a prick when I'm obviously wrong
11. Spelling - even you can do it
12. How I understand my incompetence in finances
13. You - mentally the weak(ier) sex
14. Reasons to bring flowers
15. How to stay awake after the sex
16. Why it is improper to pee somewhere else than in toilet
17. Garbage and how those are taken outside
18. You can really fall asleep without sex, if you really try (advanced level)
19. The Morning Problem
20. I wear it if I feel like it
21. How I put WC-seat down (y'know, that plasic thingie)
22. Weekend and sports do not automaticly belong together. As advanced leve 'Sober weekend with family'
23. Stop it already! (before known as 'I know my explanations are full of crap)
24. How I shop with my partner without getting lost. As advanced level: 'going to pub isn't necesseraly part of the shopping tour'
25. Remote control - Learn to win your addiction
26. Romance - What else it means than just sex
27. Helpful postural hints for couch potatoes
28. Even mother-in-laws are humans. As advanced level: 'Relatives of your wife - something else than apes and stupid people who you can use'
29. How to be more mature than your own kids
30. Even you can be a driver
31. Friendship between men - leave them to their own house. Advanced leven: 'Why it is not go invite your buddies to your place after the bar at 4am'
32. Honey, you don't look like Mel Gibson - especially when being naked
33. Good points of changing underwear
34. The goal you can reach - removing the word f*** from the language that you use
35. Why lifting a blanket after you fart isn't neccessery
Welcome to be a better man !!!!!!
(The Martha organization is a Finnish home economics organization, promotes the quality and standard of life in the home)
1. Stupidity and it's alternatives
2. Even you can do domestic work
3. PMS - Pre Menstrual Syndrome aka when it's the best time to shut up
4. How to fill icecubemold, advanced level is new, how to fill icecubebag
5. We don't want disgusting underwear for Christmas presents - Money is fine
6. How I interpret woman's reactions when I get home drunk at 4am
7. The elegance of laundry (was know before as 'hands of from my silk clothes!)
8. Fatherhood - it continues also after the fertilization
9. Get a Life - Learn to cook
10. How I avoid acting like a prick when I'm obviously wrong
11. Spelling - even you can do it
12. How I understand my incompetence in finances
13. You - mentally the weak(ier) sex
14. Reasons to bring flowers
15. How to stay awake after the sex
16. Why it is improper to pee somewhere else than in toilet
17. Garbage and how those are taken outside
18. You can really fall asleep without sex, if you really try (advanced level)
19. The Morning Problem
20. I wear it if I feel like it
21. How I put WC-seat down (y'know, that plasic thingie)
22. Weekend and sports do not automaticly belong together. As advanced leve 'Sober weekend with family'
23. Stop it already! (before known as 'I know my explanations are full of crap)
24. How I shop with my partner without getting lost. As advanced level: 'going to pub isn't necesseraly part of the shopping tour'
25. Remote control - Learn to win your addiction
26. Romance - What else it means than just sex
27. Helpful postural hints for couch potatoes
28. Even mother-in-laws are humans. As advanced level: 'Relatives of your wife - something else than apes and stupid people who you can use'
29. How to be more mature than your own kids
30. Even you can be a driver
31. Friendship between men - leave them to their own house. Advanced leven: 'Why it is not go invite your buddies to your place after the bar at 4am'
32. Honey, you don't look like Mel Gibson - especially when being naked
33. Good points of changing underwear
34. The goal you can reach - removing the word f*** from the language that you use
35. Why lifting a blanket after you fart isn't neccessery
Welcome to be a better man !!!!!!
A husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, 'It's the chemist . He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone. '
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the chemist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the chemist told him, 'Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realise that, I locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.'
'Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store, there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.'
He continued, 'Then I had to break a roll of 1 pence coins against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing.
When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.
Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing again with no let up, and I ; finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
'And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.'
------
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.
------
8 true stories
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland, CA, spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING???
A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart." "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!
8. THE GRAND FINALE!!!
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there might be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the chemist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the chemist told him, 'Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realise that, I locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.'
'Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store, there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.'
He continued, 'Then I had to break a roll of 1 pence coins against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing.
When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.
Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing again with no let up, and I ; finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
'And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.'
------
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.
------
8 true stories
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland, CA, spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING???
A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart." "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!
8. THE GRAND FINALE!!!
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there might be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!
Dynamo1
Head of the Swing Shift
Employee Evaluations
For everyone who has ever had an evaluation - just remember, it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from Federal Government employee performance evaluations.
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
11. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
13. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
14. "He's been working with glue too much."
15. "He would argue with a signpost."
16. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
17. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
18. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
19. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
20. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
21. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
22. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
23. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
24. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
25. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
26. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
27. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
28. "One neuron short of a synapse."
29. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
30. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."
31. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"
For everyone who has ever had an evaluation - just remember, it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from Federal Government employee performance evaluations.
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
11. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
13. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
14. "He's been working with glue too much."
15. "He would argue with a signpost."
16. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
17. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
18. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
19. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
20. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
21. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
22. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
23. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
24. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
25. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
26. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
27. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
28. "One neuron short of a synapse."
29. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
30. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."
31. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"
cainesugar
Coroner
Hi, I'm new to Misc. and I have a joke.
THree CIA assasin agents in training are taking their final exam. The teacher hands one guy a gun and tells him "your wife is behind this door. Go in and kill her, and you pass your final exam."
They guy said, "I can't do it," and he failed.
The teacher gives the second guy a gun and tells him "your wife is behind that door. Go in and kill her and you pass the final exam."
The guy said "I can't do it," and he failed.
The teacher gave the woman the gun and said "your husband is behind this door. Go in and kill him and you pass your final exam."
SHe went in, and the teacher heard 6 shots ad then a scream. She came out.
"What happened?" the teacher asked.
She replied "some idiot loaded the gun with blanks so I had to strangle him."
THree CIA assasin agents in training are taking their final exam. The teacher hands one guy a gun and tells him "your wife is behind this door. Go in and kill her, and you pass your final exam."
They guy said, "I can't do it," and he failed.
The teacher gives the second guy a gun and tells him "your wife is behind that door. Go in and kill her and you pass the final exam."
The guy said "I can't do it," and he failed.
The teacher gave the woman the gun and said "your husband is behind this door. Go in and kill him and you pass your final exam."
SHe went in, and the teacher heard 6 shots ad then a scream. She came out.
"What happened?" the teacher asked.
She replied "some idiot loaded the gun with blanks so I had to strangle him."
bird_of_flame
Police Officer
These are from a book my mom bought called "Teacher Laughs: Quips, Quotes, and Anecdotes About The Classroom".
Young scholars around our nation manage to mangle the mother tongue with bizarre word choices:
- In the United States, criminals are put to death by elocution.
- The police called 911 to get an ambulance to take him to the mortgage.
- In Venice the people travel around the canals on gorgonzolas.
- During the 1920’s, several films were released in two virgins: one silent and the other with sounds.
- A census taker is a man who goes from house to house increasing the population.
__
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarden class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, “Johnny, what is the matter?”
Little Johnny responded, “I have a pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife.”
__
Silly Similes from High School Essays:
- Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
- The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
- He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
- The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender keg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
- He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
__
Excuses, Excuses:
- Mary could not come to school because she has been bothered by very close veins.
- Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
- Please excuse Mary for being absent, yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
- Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
- Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
Young scholars around our nation manage to mangle the mother tongue with bizarre word choices:
- In the United States, criminals are put to death by elocution.
- The police called 911 to get an ambulance to take him to the mortgage.
- In Venice the people travel around the canals on gorgonzolas.
- During the 1920’s, several films were released in two virgins: one silent and the other with sounds.
- A census taker is a man who goes from house to house increasing the population.
__
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarden class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, “Johnny, what is the matter?”
Little Johnny responded, “I have a pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife.”
__
Silly Similes from High School Essays:
- Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
- The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
- He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
- The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender keg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
- He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
__
Excuses, Excuses:
- Mary could not come to school because she has been bothered by very close veins.
- Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
- Please excuse Mary for being absent, yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
- Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
- Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
ilh214
Pathologist
okay, so i read this and swear to god laughed for a good 45 minutes. thought i'd share.
"Excerpts from a Dog's Diary"
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
"Excerpts from a Cat's Diary"
Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending
comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...
"Excerpts from a Dog's Diary"
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
"Excerpts from a Cat's Diary"
Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending
comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...
fastfoodjunkie
Rookie
OMG! These jokes are too funny! I read this one on the front of a birthday card (I have no idea what is has to do with birthdays!).
There is a terrible flood. To avoid being drowned, Johnny climbs onto the roof of his house. As the water level rises, a boat goes past with two men in it. One of them asks Johnny if he wants any help. Johnny replies "No, the Lord will save me!"
A little while later, with the water at Johnny's feet, another boat goes past. The person in it asks Johnny if he wants any help. Johnny replies "No, the Lord will save me!"
When the water is at Johnny's chin, a helicopter goes past. It stops and a man prepares to climb out. Johnny shouts to him "Leave me, the Lord will save me!"
The water level rises too much and poor Johnny drowns. At the gates of Heaven, Johnny asks St. Peter "Why didn't the Lord save me?"
St. Peter looks at him and says "For crying out loud, he sent two boats and a helicopter, what more do you want?"
It's not that funny but it had me laughing for a while!
There is a terrible flood. To avoid being drowned, Johnny climbs onto the roof of his house. As the water level rises, a boat goes past with two men in it. One of them asks Johnny if he wants any help. Johnny replies "No, the Lord will save me!"
A little while later, with the water at Johnny's feet, another boat goes past. The person in it asks Johnny if he wants any help. Johnny replies "No, the Lord will save me!"
When the water is at Johnny's chin, a helicopter goes past. It stops and a man prepares to climb out. Johnny shouts to him "Leave me, the Lord will save me!"
The water level rises too much and poor Johnny drowns. At the gates of Heaven, Johnny asks St. Peter "Why didn't the Lord save me?"
St. Peter looks at him and says "For crying out loud, he sent two boats and a helicopter, what more do you want?"
It's not that funny but it had me laughing for a while!
eggbe4thechicken
Pathologist
I got a....crap one. :lol:
Knock knock
Who's there?
Snow.
Snow who?
Snow use I've forgotten my name!
:lol:
...
...
...
It's not good, not good at all.
Here's a cute one:
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Winnie-the
Winnie-the who?
Silly... It's not Winnie-the-who... It's Winnie-the-Pooh!
Here's an old Winnie-the-pooh joke:
Why did Tigger look in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh.
*shakes head*
Knock knock
Who's there?
Snow.
Snow who?
Snow use I've forgotten my name!
:lol:
...
...
...
It's not good, not good at all.Here's a cute one:
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Winnie-the
Winnie-the who?
Silly... It's not Winnie-the-who... It's Winnie-the-Pooh!
Here's an old Winnie-the-pooh joke:
Why did Tigger look in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh.
*shakes head*
eggbe4thechicken said:
I got a....crap one. :lol:
Knock knock
Who's there?
Snow.
Snow who?
Snow use I've forgotten my name!
:lol:
...
...
...
It's not bad. It made me laugh. See-->
And I love that Wnnie the Pooh joke! :lol:
I got one..
What is green, sticky and smells like eucalyptus?
A Koala's vomit.
(lame, i know)A man, driving to work one day, all of a sudden hears a voice, which says "Pack up, sell everything, and go to Las Vegas". He initially ignores the voice at first, but he starts to hear the voice everywhere, at work, at lunch, etc.... After hearing the voice non-stop while trying to sleep, he decides to listen to the voice, and he sells his house and goes to Vegas.
Once he gets to Vegas, he hears the voice again: "Go to Bellagio with all your money". He heads over to the Bellagio, and once he steps inside, he hears the voice again: "Go to the Roulette Table."
The man gets to the roulette table, and the voice says "Put all your money on Red 16." The man follows the voices advice and puts his everything he has, everything he owns, basically his whole life on Red 16. After he makes his bet, he sees the croupier spin the wheel and release the ball, and waits until the croupier says the result: "Black 35."
The voice then says "F**K!"
Once he gets to Vegas, he hears the voice again: "Go to Bellagio with all your money". He heads over to the Bellagio, and once he steps inside, he hears the voice again: "Go to the Roulette Table."
The man gets to the roulette table, and the voice says "Put all your money on Red 16." The man follows the voices advice and puts his everything he has, everything he owns, basically his whole life on Red 16. After he makes his bet, he sees the croupier spin the wheel and release the ball, and waits until the croupier says the result: "Black 35."
The voice then says "F**K!"