tuesdaymorning
Judge
Sigh. Wow.
Jokes Thread
- Thread starter glam_chic86
- Start date
Sigh. Wow.
A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news and worse news'.
'Oh dear, what's the bad news?' asks the patient.
The doctor replies, 'You only have 24 hours to live'.
'That's terrible', said the patient. 'How can the news possibly be worse?'
The doctor replies, 'I've been trying to contact you since yesterday'.
'Oh dear, what's the bad news?' asks the patient.
The doctor replies, 'You only have 24 hours to live'.
'That's terrible', said the patient. 'How can the news possibly be worse?'
The doctor replies, 'I've been trying to contact you since yesterday'.
jazzfan
CSI Level Two
Center for Disease Control Alert for Bird Flu
The Center for Disease Control has released a list of
symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the
following, please seek medical treatment immediately:
1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to shit on someone's windshield
The Center for Disease Control has released a list of
symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the
following, please seek medical treatment immediately:
1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to shit on someone's windshield
TTHipFreak
Coroner
heartagram69
Head of the Swing Shift
omg, HAHA, thats too funni
greglover14
Pathologist
I have ANOTHER blonde joke.
Two blondes were walking along a river. One was on the left side and another one was on the right side of the river. The blonde on the left yells "How do you get to the other side?" The other blonde screamed back "You are on the other side!"
Two blondes were walking along a river. One was on the left side and another one was on the right side of the river. The blonde on the left yells "How do you get to the other side?" The other blonde screamed back "You are on the other side!"
heartagram69
Head of the Swing Shift
LOL thats so funni!
why did the blonde climb open the window?
to c what was outside
why did the blonde climb open the window?
to c what was outside
heartagram69
Head of the Swing Shift
yeah ive heard that one b4, its amusing
I just got this in an email and it cracked me up. 
Don't worry, New Jersey, you're far from alone in needing a new state slogan. Here are some of my favorite suggestions from the reader mailbag.
Alabama
"Really just Mississippi in a mirror." --Wade
Connecticut
"Driver's license test? What driver's license test?" --Renee
Delaware
"The place you drive through to get to the beach." --Judith
Florida
"God's Waiting Room." --Byron
Hawaii
"Aloha -- we don't know if we're coming or going." --Ron
Illinois
"Will the defendant please rise?" --Kelli
Indiana
"Chicago's New Jersey." --Shawn
"Hoosier Daddy?" --Ron
Kansas
"Just because our names are similar does not mean we have anything in common with Arkansas!" --Wade
Maine
"We're not as creepy as Stephen King makes us out to be!" --Wade
Massachusetts
"Home of the Girl from Nantucket." --Toni
Minnesota
"Not just cold, butt-cold." --Karen
Mississippi
"We have a full set of teeth ... if you count us all at once." --Ash
"The Commodore 64 of the United States of America." --Ash
New Jersey
"Welcome to New Jersey, what exit you at?" --Rob
"Funny Ha Ha?" --Rich
North Carolina
"Ohio technology tried here first!" --Brian
Oklahoma
"The circus has been here twice!" --Karen
"Come visit beautiful Tornado Alley! (Rebuilt every five years.)" --Wade
Pennsylvania
"Where the roads never seem to get any better." --Ryan
South Dakota
"We have two seasons: Swat and Shovel." --Gary
Texas
"We put the 'fun' back in 'dysfunctional'." --Christy
Utah
"Just one legal wife per man since 1890." --Mark
Washington
(After Mt. St. Helen's eruption) "Don't come to Washington, Washington will come to you." --Michael
(From a Spokane resident) "Washington: Home of Seattle, Tacoma, and, uh, that other city over there." --David
Wisconsin
"Come smell our dairy air." --Submitted by numerous folks
"Come for the cheese, stay to laugh at the accents." --Karen
Don't worry, New Jersey, you're far from alone in needing a new state slogan. Here are some of my favorite suggestions from the reader mailbag.
Alabama
"Really just Mississippi in a mirror." --Wade
Connecticut
"Driver's license test? What driver's license test?" --Renee
Delaware
"The place you drive through to get to the beach." --Judith
Florida
"God's Waiting Room." --Byron
Hawaii
"Aloha -- we don't know if we're coming or going." --Ron
Illinois
"Will the defendant please rise?" --Kelli
Indiana
"Chicago's New Jersey." --Shawn
"Hoosier Daddy?" --Ron
Kansas
"Just because our names are similar does not mean we have anything in common with Arkansas!" --Wade
Maine
"We're not as creepy as Stephen King makes us out to be!" --Wade
Massachusetts
"Home of the Girl from Nantucket." --Toni
Minnesota
"Not just cold, butt-cold." --Karen
Mississippi
"We have a full set of teeth ... if you count us all at once." --Ash
"The Commodore 64 of the United States of America." --Ash
New Jersey
"Welcome to New Jersey, what exit you at?" --Rob
"Funny Ha Ha?" --Rich
North Carolina
"Ohio technology tried here first!" --Brian
Oklahoma
"The circus has been here twice!" --Karen
"Come visit beautiful Tornado Alley! (Rebuilt every five years.)" --Wade
Pennsylvania
"Where the roads never seem to get any better." --Ryan
South Dakota
"We have two seasons: Swat and Shovel." --Gary
Texas
"We put the 'fun' back in 'dysfunctional'." --Christy
Utah
"Just one legal wife per man since 1890." --Mark
Washington
(After Mt. St. Helen's eruption) "Don't come to Washington, Washington will come to you." --Michael
(From a Spokane resident) "Washington: Home of Seattle, Tacoma, and, uh, that other city over there." --David
Wisconsin
"Come smell our dairy air." --Submitted by numerous folks
"Come for the cheese, stay to laugh at the accents." --Karen
TTHipFreak
Coroner
:lol:
I'm going to have to tell my friend this one. :lol:
Dynamo1
Head of the Swing Shift
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the dweeb. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge dweeb.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "Speak with Hilary Clinton."
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your butt. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the dweeb. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge dweeb.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "Speak with Hilary Clinton."
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your butt. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
grissoms_gurl
Coroner
LOL! those are great!
those are great!