Jokes Thread
- Thread starter glam_chic86
- Start date
Two guys are getting drunk in a bar.
"Watch this," says one guy to the other.
The other guy watches as his buddy jumps out the tenth-story window. Amazingly, he slows right down before he slams into the ground and lands gracefully on the sidewalk. He goes back upstairs and does it again.
"Wow," said his buddy. "That's awesome. How did you do that?"
"It's easy," his friend replied. "When you jump out of this particular building, you hit an air pocket near the bottom and it slows you right down! You should try it."
His friend agrees, and jumps out of the window, and goes splat on the pavement.
The bartender turns to the other guys and says, "You know, Superman, you can be a real a**hole when you're drinking."
"Watch this," says one guy to the other.
The other guy watches as his buddy jumps out the tenth-story window. Amazingly, he slows right down before he slams into the ground and lands gracefully on the sidewalk. He goes back upstairs and does it again.
"Wow," said his buddy. "That's awesome. How did you do that?"
"It's easy," his friend replied. "When you jump out of this particular building, you hit an air pocket near the bottom and it slows you right down! You should try it."
His friend agrees, and jumps out of the window, and goes splat on the pavement.
The bartender turns to the other guys and says, "You know, Superman, you can be a real a**hole when you're drinking."
greglover14
Pathologist
I heard this one on Saturday Night Live:
66% of the country thinks that Bush is handling the situation in Iraq incorrectly. The other 34% of Americans think that Adam and Eve rode dinosaurs to church.
66% of the country thinks that Bush is handling the situation in Iraq incorrectly. The other 34% of Americans think that Adam and Eve rode dinosaurs to church.
glam_chic86
Head of the Graveyard Shift
:lol: Bwuhahahaha I LOVE it. I laughed so hard when I read it and I immediatly had to share that joke with everyone I know. Thanks so much for posting that!
glam_chic86
Head of the Graveyard Shift
Olympic Airlines
A guy sitting at an airport bar in Atlanta noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?"
Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan: "Love to fly and it shows?" She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, "Ooh sh**, she doesn't work for Delta".
A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?" Once again she gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself and scratched American Airlines off the list.
Next he tried the United slogan: "I would really love to fly your friendly skies?" This time the woman turned on him. "What the fu** do you want?" she snapped. The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair and said... "Ahhh, Olympic Airways!"
A guy sitting at an airport bar in Atlanta noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?"
Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan: "Love to fly and it shows?" She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, "Ooh sh**, she doesn't work for Delta".
A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?" Once again she gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself and scratched American Airlines off the list.
Next he tried the United slogan: "I would really love to fly your friendly skies?" This time the woman turned on him. "What the fu** do you want?" she snapped. The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair and said... "Ahhh, Olympic Airways!"
G
Guest
Guest
Those were hilarious, I laughed my socks off.LOL
glam_chic86
Head of the Graveyard Shift
You Know You're Greek When...
1) You're 5'4", can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day, but you still cry when your mother yells at you.
2) Your uncle owns a restaurant, has $300,000 in the bank, but still drives a '76 Monte Carlo.
3) You share a bathroom with your 5 brothers, have no money, but drive a $45,000 Camaro.
4) Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant and travel agent are all blood relatives.
5) You have a relative that has done something that required the IRS to threaten him.
6) Your 2 best friends are your cousin and brother-in-law's brother-in-law.
7) You are a card-carrying V.I.P at more than 3 dance clubs.
8 ) Despite the hair on your back, you still try to impress the ladies by wearing your "Just Do Me" tank top to Wasaga.
9) At least 5 of your cousins live on your street.
10) All 5 of those cousins are named after your grandfather.
11) A high school diploma and 1 year of community college has earned you the title of "professor" among your aunts.
12) You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.
13) If someone in your family grows beyond 5' 9", it is presumed his mother had an affair.
14) There are more than 28 people in your bridal party.
15) You netted more than $50,000 on your baptism.
16) At some point in your life, you waited tables.
17) 30 years after immigrating, your parents still say "Embros" when answering the phone.
18) You are an adult and are forced to be with your family at 12 midnight on New Year's Eve.
19) Upon meeting another Greek, one of your first questions is, "what church do you go to"?
20) Your grandmother/mother/aunt has a miracle cure for every ailment under the sun.
21) You can name any or all of the gods on Mount Olympus.
22) Your mother or father still feel the need to tell you, "katse kala" in public.
23) You have been hit with a "pandofla" or a "koutala" or a "lourithi".
24) You can dance the kalamatiano, tsamiko or zebekiko without music.
25) You or a family member have been photographed with a donkey.
26) You must name your children after your parents, grandparents, or in-laws.
27) You have at least 5 Maria's, 9 Dimitri's, 5 Niko's, 6 George's and 4 Yanni's in the family.
28) You have ever heard the phrase, "Sto leo yia to kalo sou".
29) Your parents have ever made up the name of a street or store or tv show because they couldn't remember it or pronounce it.
30) Upon meeting another Greek you try to find out what village they're from.
31) You have ever been threatened by a Greek School Teacher.
32) You still get threatened by a Greek School Teacher even though you're 30 yrs old.
33) You have been spanked by your friend's parents because your parents gave them permission to.
34) You have a bottle of OUZO in your house right now.
35) You know what a "komboloi" is.
36) You know how to work a "komboloi".
37) When you were younger and going on car trips you always had to sit on someone's lap in the front or back seat.
38) You were ever threatened to be eaten by the "mavro pontiki" when you were little.
39) Someone in your family owns or works in any type of restaurant.
40) You are surprised to learn that the local pet store does not sell goats.
41) You can't understand why McDonald's rejected your idea for the "McFeta" Burger.
42) Your entire house is a needlepoint warehouse!
43) You eat Vanilla with a spoon from the jar.
44) You have at least 2 kitchens in your house and a lamb roaster in your backyard.
45) Your parents keep the unclaimed $$$$$ in old moth ball smelling coat pockets.
46) At Weddings the karta (card) is determined on the amount of food, the type of band, if the couple is Greek and whether you are convinced the marriage will last.
47) You make up your own Greco-American language :For e.g. Carro (car), Moovare (move), Wassemassini (washing machine), bassi (bus).
48) You can always go to yiayia or papou to curse out your parents and all they do is soothe you and feed you karpouzi.
49) You have been given the evil eye by your mother in public and/or the biting of the forefinger knuckle.
50) You were the first one to get cable on your block, but the last to have it legally.
51) You dread kissing everyone at family gatherings, because you wind up smelling like armpits at the end of the night.
52) You've been embarrassed by Mom or Dad in stores because they expect the Greek discount and ask to waive the tax if they pay in cash.
1) You're 5'4", can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day, but you still cry when your mother yells at you.
2) Your uncle owns a restaurant, has $300,000 in the bank, but still drives a '76 Monte Carlo.
3) You share a bathroom with your 5 brothers, have no money, but drive a $45,000 Camaro.
4) Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant and travel agent are all blood relatives.
5) You have a relative that has done something that required the IRS to threaten him.
6) Your 2 best friends are your cousin and brother-in-law's brother-in-law.
7) You are a card-carrying V.I.P at more than 3 dance clubs.
8 ) Despite the hair on your back, you still try to impress the ladies by wearing your "Just Do Me" tank top to Wasaga.
9) At least 5 of your cousins live on your street.
10) All 5 of those cousins are named after your grandfather.
11) A high school diploma and 1 year of community college has earned you the title of "professor" among your aunts.
12) You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.
13) If someone in your family grows beyond 5' 9", it is presumed his mother had an affair.
14) There are more than 28 people in your bridal party.
15) You netted more than $50,000 on your baptism.
16) At some point in your life, you waited tables.
17) 30 years after immigrating, your parents still say "Embros" when answering the phone.
18) You are an adult and are forced to be with your family at 12 midnight on New Year's Eve.
19) Upon meeting another Greek, one of your first questions is, "what church do you go to"?
20) Your grandmother/mother/aunt has a miracle cure for every ailment under the sun.
21) You can name any or all of the gods on Mount Olympus.
22) Your mother or father still feel the need to tell you, "katse kala" in public.
23) You have been hit with a "pandofla" or a "koutala" or a "lourithi".
24) You can dance the kalamatiano, tsamiko or zebekiko without music.
25) You or a family member have been photographed with a donkey.
26) You must name your children after your parents, grandparents, or in-laws.
27) You have at least 5 Maria's, 9 Dimitri's, 5 Niko's, 6 George's and 4 Yanni's in the family.
28) You have ever heard the phrase, "Sto leo yia to kalo sou".
29) Your parents have ever made up the name of a street or store or tv show because they couldn't remember it or pronounce it.
30) Upon meeting another Greek you try to find out what village they're from.
31) You have ever been threatened by a Greek School Teacher.
32) You still get threatened by a Greek School Teacher even though you're 30 yrs old.
33) You have been spanked by your friend's parents because your parents gave them permission to.
34) You have a bottle of OUZO in your house right now.
35) You know what a "komboloi" is.
36) You know how to work a "komboloi".
37) When you were younger and going on car trips you always had to sit on someone's lap in the front or back seat.
38) You were ever threatened to be eaten by the "mavro pontiki" when you were little.
39) Someone in your family owns or works in any type of restaurant.
40) You are surprised to learn that the local pet store does not sell goats.
41) You can't understand why McDonald's rejected your idea for the "McFeta" Burger.
42) Your entire house is a needlepoint warehouse!
43) You eat Vanilla with a spoon from the jar.
44) You have at least 2 kitchens in your house and a lamb roaster in your backyard.
45) Your parents keep the unclaimed $$$$$ in old moth ball smelling coat pockets.
46) At Weddings the karta (card) is determined on the amount of food, the type of band, if the couple is Greek and whether you are convinced the marriage will last.
47) You make up your own Greco-American language :For e.g. Carro (car), Moovare (move), Wassemassini (washing machine), bassi (bus).
48) You can always go to yiayia or papou to curse out your parents and all they do is soothe you and feed you karpouzi.
49) You have been given the evil eye by your mother in public and/or the biting of the forefinger knuckle.
50) You were the first one to get cable on your block, but the last to have it legally.
51) You dread kissing everyone at family gatherings, because you wind up smelling like armpits at the end of the night.
52) You've been embarrassed by Mom or Dad in stores because they expect the Greek discount and ask to waive the tax if they pay in cash.
heartagram69
Head of the Swing Shift
an italian and a greek are arguing about who is superior, the greek says "the greeks are"
the italian says "no italians are"
the greek says "the greek's built the parthenon"
the italian says "the italians built the collosseum"
this goes on for a while until
the greek says "the greek's invented sex"
to which the italiain counters "yes, but it was the italians that introduced it to women"
:lol: i piss myself everytime i hear that one lol
the italian says "no italians are"
the greek says "the greek's built the parthenon"
the italian says "the italians built the collosseum"
this goes on for a while until
the greek says "the greek's invented sex"
to which the italiain counters "yes, but it was the italians that introduced it to women"
:lol: i piss myself everytime i hear that one lol
Dynamo1
Head of the Swing Shift
Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS... I'm sorry...what did you ask me?
==========
It's strange, isn't it? You stand in the middle of a library and go "Aaaaaaagghhhh" and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an airplane, and everyone joins in.
A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS... I'm sorry...what did you ask me?
==========
It's strange, isn't it? You stand in the middle of a library and go "Aaaaaaagghhhh" and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an airplane, and everyone joins in.
glam_chic86
Head of the Graveyard Shift
How did the blonde fall out of the tree?
She was raking leaves!
She was raking leaves!