Jokes Thread

Wow that took me way tooo long to figure out the first one. I was sitting there going, "huh I don't get it, two arseholes?...................................................................................... ohhhhh I get it!" It made me laugh once I got it.
 
CAT LOVER OR NOT, YOU'RE GONNA LAUGH AT THIS ONE......

We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying. On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head.

The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.

Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."

"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"

But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs .

She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option.

I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.

Even worse, having been fully briefed by m y wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter... and not succeeding. Somehow I lived through it all.

A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"

If they only knew!
 
Ironically, something similar happened to my cousin as he stood shaving at his bathroom sink... I'll let you figure it out! :lol:
 
As a squad of American soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, they came across a badly mangled dead body. As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier. A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe. They ran to him, cradled his blood-covered head and asked him what had happened. “Well,” he whispered, “I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth when I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, ‘Saddam Hussein is an unprincipled, lying piece of shit!’” “He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, ‘George W. Bush is an unprincipled, lying piece of shit too!’” “We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us.”
 
lol, not my cat and not me.....just a joke I got in an email. But, my kitties are pretty cute, just check them out on the pets thread. :D
 
what has a bottom at the top of it?
a leg
Click to expand...

omg that has got to be the funniest thing I have ever heard n my life! Seriously, I have been laughing about that since five o clock yesterday, almost 24 hours and I have been repeating it so many times. Now I just need to say "a leg" and I start cracking up. My parents thought I was high yesterday and I was like nope, its just... "a LEG, hahahahahahahahhahahahaha. I have been telling it to people all day.
 
me to chili loved them ill have to try some of those room mate ones ha ha ha (santa)

You know when your dislexic when you go to a toga party dressed as a goat
(I know its bad taste but just picture it LOL :lol:)
 
A quiet, skinny little man was brought before a judge. The judge looked down at the man and then at the charges and then down at the little man in amazement. "Can you tell me in your own words what happened?" asked the judge.

"I'm a mathematics professor at NYU specializing in the nature of proof," replied the man.

"Yes, go on," said the still astounded-appearing judge.

"Well... I was at the library and I found the books I wanted and went to take them out. They told me my library card had expired and I had to get a new one. So I went to the registration office and got in another line. I filled out my forms for another card, and got back in line for my card."

"Yes, go on," said the judge.

"And he asked, 'Can you prove you're from New York City?' So, I stabbed him."
 
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.
:lol: :lol: :lol:
 
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