From the Monologues

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Funny Dynamo :D

"Britney Spears just passed her first court ordered drug test. So good news, whe's not on drugs, she's just crazy" :eek: Jimmy Kimmel

"Hillary Clinton's name was msntioned 12 times the other night at the Republican debate. 12 times! Of course, Hillary was stunned, she's not used to guys calling out her name" :confused: Jay Leno

"Out on the campaign trail in Iowa, a van carrying Barack Obamaa's wife was hit by a guy on a motorcycle, the guy plowed right into the van. You know, we've got to teach George Clooney how to ride a bike properly" :cool: Jay Leno

"Here's a sign of fall. Today Marion Jones tested positive for cider" :lol: David Letterman
 
"Radar magazine is causing a big controversy, because the cover of their November issue features a doctored photo of a partially dressed Rudy Giulain and a totally nuide Hillary Clinton. Radar says it's all part of their plan to sell ZERO magazines" :D Conan O'Brien

"Now that AL Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize he has maybe a new interest in a new platform..today he stepped out on that platform, and it collapsed" :eek: Jay Leno

"Mayor Bloomberg is planting on million tress in New York City, or as Donald Trump calls them..eyesores" :confused: David Letterman

"Historic day at the White House. President Bush met the Dalai Lama. There was an awkward moment when Bush said, "Who's the bald chick in the dress"? :D Conan O'Brien

"The Dalai Lama told Bush that he has seen evil firsthand Bush said "Great, Bush said, then you've got to meet Dick Cheney" :devil: Jay Leno
 
"Last week, Vice Pres. Dick Cheney's wife, Lynne Cheney, says that Obama and Dick are related. She said they are actually 8th cousins. The Cheney-Obama connection is from 1650, when Bob Dole introduced the ancestors" :D Jimmy Kimmel

"More bad news for Barack Obama, he just found out that he's related to Bill O'Reilly" Jay Leno :(

"The other day Hillary was a guest on "The View", just when you thought things couldn't get any hotter" Jay Leno :lol:

"A million people had to be evacuated from their homes in California. The fires are all over. They even had to evacuate the Promises rehab center, which means there are now a couple dozen drug addicted celebrities on the loose. They're being sheltered temporarily at Andy Dicks house" :eek: Jimmy Kimmel
 
"Screeners at the L.A. International Airport missed 75 percent of the fake bombs that we're sent through the lines, however, they did confiscate 100 percent of peoples water bottles" :eek: Jay Leno

"Congratulations to Al Gore for winning the Nobel Peace Prize. I thought this was sad..Al had the Prize for less than a week, and then O.J broke in and stole it :devil: David Letterman

"President Bush is in a tough spot. On one hand he wants to be sympathetic to the people who've lost their homes to the fires, mostly white people who live in Malibu and San Diego, then the people who lived in New Orleans. So to be cool, he's spending the night at LLCool J's house? :D Jimmy Kimmel

"This has been the biggest evacuation in California history, breaking the record set in 2003, by the airlift of 700,000 children fleeing Michael Jacksons ranch Neverland" :lol: Jimmy Kimmel
 
"Lots of candidates got into the Halloween spirit. John Edwards said he was going to get a $15 dollar haircut and go as someone from other than America" :D Jay Leno

"Every year they try to contact Houdini on Halloween. And I thought. "Wait a minute, isn't that one of the good things about being dead, ot having to take calls?" :devil: David Letterman

"Joe Torre, formerly of the New York Yankees signed with the L.A. Dodgers. Well, look at it this way..who wouldn't rather take earthquakes and wildfires over George Steinbrenner"? :lol: David Letterman
 
"This week a 90-year old man in Minnesota became the oldest person to win a Nobel Prize. Next week he will be the first person to misplace a Nobel Prize" :D Conan O'Brien

"Osama bin Laden is now calling for his followers to avoid "extremsm", because the last thing you want in a suicide bomber is some sort of radical wacko" :eek: Jay Leno

"My Halloween was marred by a horrible incident. A kid dressed as O.J. broke into my house ans stole all my candy" :mad: Jay Leno

"Joe Giradi was introduced today as the new manager of the New York Yankees. Giradi says it's going to be tough coming up with a team on only a $300 million payroll" :rolleyes: David Letterman
 
"Barley two months after the U.N. inspectors in Iran failed to find evidence of any active nuclear weapons program, the Homeland Security Dept. uncovered new information. Monday proving the Middle Eastern nation has obtained literally trillions of atoms..the same particles sometimes used to make atomic bombs...for unknown purposes" :(

"Saying he could no longer stand idly by while a vital part of American culture is lost forever, activitst and Broadway producer Mel Brooks has founded a private nonprofit organization dedicated to preserving the word "schmuck" "Schmuck" is dying, a sober Brooks said during a 2,000 person rally in his homwetown of Brooklyn" :D

From TheOnion.com
 
"Some people are so open minded their brains fall out"
:eek:Rick Warren

"I am a great believer in luck and I find the harder I work, the more luck I have" :rolleyes: Stephen Leacock

"Reading gives up somplace to go when we have to stay whre we are" ;)Mason Cooley

"Whinning is anger through a small opening" :D Al Fraken

"It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies, but just as much to stand up to our friends" ;) J.K Rowling
 
"Giving never happens by accident..It's always intentional" ;) Amy Grant

"The only thing about being imperfect, is the joy it brings to others" :confused: Doug Larson

"Lets face it, all the good stuff happens after midnight" :cool: Matt Groening

"A dog is the only exercise machine you cannot decide to skip when you don't feel like it" :D Carolyn Heilbrun
 
Dyanamo there's a writers strike going on right now, I'm sure you've heard, so no new 'late night' monologues, but these are "quotes" from famous people from the "READERS DIGEST" and "monologues" are in fact "quotes" so till the strike is over, this is what I'm posting!
 
"Dogs don't bark at parked cars" :D Lynne Cheney

"Trust changes people, the become what you tell them you expect" :cool: Scott Adams

"Forget aging, if you're six feet above the ground, it's a good day" :) Faith Hill

"The better you know yourself, the better your relationship is with the rest of the world" ;) Toni Collete

"I have to exercise in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing" :D Marsha Doble

"Ther are people who have money, and people who are rich" ;) Coco Chanel
 
"I don't particulary like it when people put words in my mouth. either by the way, unless I say it" DUH :confused: George w. Bush

"Money doesn't make you happy. I now have $50 million, but I was just as happy when I had $48 million" :cool: Arnold Schwarzengger

"Women are lke the police, they could have all the evidence in the world, but they still want the confession" :D Chris Rock

"My father used to say, "don't raise your voice, improve your argument" :eek: Desmond Tutu

"Jealousy is all the fun you think they had" ;) Erica Jong
 
"Whether we need to send somebocy to Mars, I don't know, but I'll tell you what, if we do, I've got a few suggestions, and maybe Hillary could be on the first rocket" :D Mike Huckabee

"My job is a decision-making job, and as a result, I make a lot of decisions" :confused: George W. Bush

"I live by the truth tha "NO" is a complete sentence" :mad: Anne Lamott

"Nothing bad can happen if you don't hit the SEND key" :D David Shipley

"A clear conscience is usually a sign of a bad memory" :devil: Steven Wright
 
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