"The terror alert level in our nation's airport bathrooms has been raised to lavender" :lol:Jimmy Kimmel
"A couple of big anniversaries this week. It's been two years since Hurricane Katrina, and one year since FEMA found out about it" Jay Leno
"In the New York Sunday Times, they mixed up a picture of Iraq with a picture of New Orleans. This even confused the White House. They saw the picture and accidentally sent money to New Orleans" Jay Leno
"Fred Thompson, former star of "Law and Order" confirmed with his supporters that he is runing for president. Afterward, Thompson promised to solve the crisis in Iraq by the end of the first episode" Conan O'Brien
"It's our 14th anniversary here at CBS, wow 14 yeasrs..I'm just another dumb guy without a exit strategy" David Letterman
"The British government had finally given approval for scientists to create human animal embryos by mixing human an animal DNA, or as they call that in the South, Saturday night" Jay Leno
"President Bush was in Iraq for 8 hours...nice to see he had an exit stragedy" David Letterman
"Intelligence officials believe that the new video from Osamn bin Laden is authentic. I guess he wanted to time his comeback with Britney Spears comeback this weekend on the MTV awards" Jimmy Kimmel
"Sen. Larry Craig is now rethinking his decision to resign. He says he's going to talk it over with his wife, and the guy in stall #3" Conan O'Brien
"Britney Spears has been cleared of all child abuse charges. She got so excited she threw her kids on the roof of her car and went for a ride" Conan O'Brien
"Oprah Winfrey is throwing a hugh fundraiser for Barrack Obama this weekend on her hugh 42-acre spread in Santa Barbara,& has offered $3 miliion for this.. which will come from the "dunk Stedman booth" :lol: Jimmy Kimmel
"Osama wants Americans to convert to Islam, yeah, I can see that happening, what's this guy been living in a cave" :lol: Jay Leno
"Britney Spears, appeared to be acting out the classic nightmare of arriving at a party and realizing you're naked while people point and laugh" ABC
"Big day on Capitol Hill. Gen. Patraeus testified before Congress. he said "The military objectives of the surge are in a large measure being met" A lot of people doubt Patraeus' credibility, because he also said Britney Spears was great on the MTV awards" Conan O'Brien
"The Secret Service had a little scare yesterday. For a couple of hours they couldn't find President Bush, as it turned out he was just hiding behind Gen. Patraeus" Jay Leno
"Wet day here in New York City, so wet that Leona Helmsley left $12 million to a duck" David Letterman
In Tennessee Democratic state Rep. Rob Briley, the chair of the Judiciary Commitee got drunk, fled the scene of the accident, led police o a 100-mile-per-hour chase, and when they finally pulled him over and had their guns on him, he demanded that they let him finish his drink. he's now being charged with impersonating a Hollywood celebrity" :lol: Jay Leno
"Officials in Ventura County, Calif. have sued Miss Ventura County California 2005..a woman named Hillary Gushwa. She had to return her crown after they found out she was married when she won. But she says, that doesn't count because she was "too drunk at the time to remember her own wedding", so Britney, you're not alone" Jay Leno
"O.J. Simpson was arrested for armed robbery in connection with a break-in at a Las Vegas hotel. When the cops cuffed him and took him to jail, O.J. was thrilled and stated 'I still got it" :devil: Conan O'Brien
"They say that O.J. was involved in a robbery in Vegas. There are alot of different versions of what really happened, luckily Patriots coach Bill Belichick was there and videotaped the whole thing" Jay Leno
"Britney Spears as some hurdles of her own to clear up. The other day she was dropped by her manager and her lawyer. She's been dropped now, almost as much as her children" Jimmy Kimmel
"When O.J. was arrested, they found him at a blackjack table trying to play the race card" Jay Leno
"A hit has allegdly been taken out on Kevin Federline. The plot was pretty scary..they were going to lure him to Vegas and tell O.J. Kevin had some of his memorabilla" Jay Leno
"Today, the director of the National Intelligence asked Congress to expand to government's power to read peoples e-mail and spy on their phones conversations. The Intelligence Director admitted he got the idea from The New England Patriots" :lol: Conan O'Brien
"Yesterday in his speech, Jessee Jackson criticized Barack Obama saying that he was acting like he is white. Obama said that Jackson's remarks were hurtful and they completely ruined his night at the Jimmy Buffet concert" Conan O'Brien
"Iranian President Mahmoud I'm-a-nut-job...is that how your pronounce his name? is in New York, but has been denied permission to go to ground zero in New York City. He wanted to go to ground zero. I've got an idea, how about we bring ground zero to him" Jay Leno
"Hillary Clinton referred Dick Cheney as Darth Varder. He demananded an apology. Not Dick Cheney...Darth Vader. he was offended" Jay Leno
"Police in Germany aressted a man in a wheelchair for breaking into a building. They say the man would have gotten away, but they shot out his tires" Conan O'Brien
"Republicans are still angry about this 10-day-old MoveOn.org ad. You know, the gen. Patraeus, that he betrayed us. And the Senate actually voted to condemn an ad. That's what your government did the other day. They held a vote to pass a resolution to condemn an ad with a pun in it. And then they all sat down and had Oreos and braided each other's hair" Bill Maher
"Kiefer Sutherland was arrested on DUI charges. He used the Lindsay Lohan defense. It was someone eles's alcohol in his blood" Craig Ferguson
"In Texas, pranksters threw a snake into the drive through window at a Taco Bell..fortunately, the snake was immediately killed by all the rats in the kitchen" Conan O'Brien
"According to Mahamoud Almadinejad, their are no homosexuals in Iran, I guess that explains the pathetic state of their musical theater" :lol: David Letterman
"The other night was the premier of Dancing With The Stars, or as the Democrats call it Dancing Around The Issues" Jay Leno
"The organizers of Hillary Clinton's campaign are sponsoring a contest where the winner gets to watch a Demmocrat debate while sitting next to Bill Clinton. The rules specify no members of the press and no fat chicks" Conan O"Brien
"If you watched the three Democratic front-runners...Hillary..Barack & John Edwards..that setting a timeline for complete withdrawal is irrsponsible, because you can't project what the future situation will be in Iraq, and pulling out troops basically depends on what's happening on the ground.. otherwise known as the Bush plan" Jay Leno
"Here in New York City, you can tell it's autumn..you can see the colors change from gold to brown to yellow to rust..and that's just the tap water? David Letterman
"A new poll of Democratic voters in Iowa has found that senior citizens prefer Hillary Clinton. Unfortunately for Hillary, she still ranks 3rd behind applesauce and creamed spinach" Conan O' Brien
"The New York mets failed to make the playoffs. People are so upset, apparently half the team has been deported" Conan O'Brien
"Brad Pitt is saying that George Clooney should run for president, which I think would be good for the country, anything to keep him from making "Oceans 14" Craig Ferguson
"The Spice Girls are getting back together. You may have heard about this. The Spice Girls reunion show in London sold out in 38 seconds...that 's longer than their original career lasted" :lol: Jay Leno
"Barack Obama said he is flying home to Chicago to have a hot 15th wedding anniversary date with his wife. Every candidate spends their anniversary differently...Rudy Giuilani spends his trying to remember which wife he's married to..Hillary Clinton spends her wedding anniversary trying to track down Bill..and Fred Thompson spends his helping his young wife do her homework" Jay Leno
"Kevin Federline is now wearing an eye patch over one eye. I think I know what happened. I think he must have run into someone who paid 16 bucks for his CD" Jay Leno
"Beautiful day in New York City, so nice President Bush said "Maybe I won't do anything about global warming" David Letterman
"President Bush says there's a chance we'll be bombing Iran, because he's convinced they have nuclear weapons...well he would know" David Letterman
"The Iraqi gov. has ordered $100 million worth of weapons made in China. An Iraqi official said "Yeah, were hoping that China makes it's weapons as deadly as their toys" Conan O'Brien
"Ozzie Osbourne is auctioning off some of his personal items. For example, an antique sofa...$800, his medicine cabinet starts a half of million" David Letterman
"Border agents have now issued air guns that shoot pepper balls at people coming across the mexican border. Have they thought this through? Is that going to bother people from Mexico? Pepper balls, don't these people eat Jalapenos" I'snt that like firing meatballs at an Italian guy?" :lol: Jay Leno
"According to Forbes magazine, the richest women in China is a 26-year old woman..Know what she does? sells lead paint" Jay Leno
Jay Leno
