From the Monologues

Status
Not open for further replies.
Desertwind

Desertwind

Head of the Day Shift
These are all from the late night talk show hosts.. on current events..news.. and celebrity comments!

"Prime Minister Tony Blair announced that he will step down next month, which means President Bush will lose his closet foreign ally, "Now the only foreign leader I can trust is Arnold Schwarzenegger" Conan O' Brien

"While visitng the White House President Bush met with Queen Elizabeth 11. There was an awkward moment whern Bush called her "Queen Elizabeth the Sequel" Jay Leno

There's a new book out. In it secretary of state Condolezza Rice says that she has a crush on President Bush, well sure, who doesn't" :lol: David Letterman

This Paris Hilton thing is tearing our country apart. On the one hand, people are calling for lenieacy , and on the other hand, people are calling for a lethal injection :eek: David Letterman

"O.J. Simpson was at the Kentucky Derby, Paris HIlton is going to prison, O. J. is still out there running around, what's wrong with this picture" :devil: David Letterman

"Here's news..the FBI has arrested the madam who was in charge of the ring of prostuitutes.. No word yet on Osama" :mad: David Letterman
 
"It's so hot today that Paris Hilton is happy to be going to the cooler" David Letterman

"Donald Trump became a grandfather.They say the new Trump baby is a chip off the old block, she's alredy feuding with Rosie O'Donnell" David Letterman

"It's been announced that when Paris Hilton gets her jail cell it will be only 8 x 12 feet., which explains why she just purchased a 8-by-12 foot ceiling mirror" Conan O'Brien

"Iran has now forbidden men to trim their eyebrows or use hair gel. Iran's spokesman said, "It's not a religious issue, we just don't want our men to look like Ryan Seacrest" Conan O'Brien
 
"They don't have the heart to tell Bush, that Tony Blair is leaving, they just said he went to live on a farm" Bill Maher

"It's a day to day body count as to who will come out of "The View" alive these days" Jimmy Kimmel

"Democrat presidential candidate John Edwards is coming under fire. he said his working for a Wall Street hedge fund tath caters to rich investors shouldn't overshadow his efforts on poverty..Edwards says he has worked very hard to eliminate poverty..especially his own" Jay Leno

"Miami was voted the worst road rage state. You have 20-year olds doing 95, and 95-year olds doing 20.. that's why"..Craig Ferguson
 
"Over at FOX, theyre bringing a show..about a post Katrina New Orleans..Bush saids he plans to ignore it at first and then tune it to it later"..Bill Maher

"They killed the Taliban's top commander in Afganistan..it's going to be nice for Saddam, to have help shoveling coal into the furnace in hell"..David Letterman

"If your a democrat and you work on Wall Street, yo've got some explaining to do..if you're a Republican, you get the nomination"..Jay Leno

'News from Washington D.C, we have a new czar. A new war czar, he was appointed by President Bush, so what could go wrong there"..David Letterman
 
"Paris Hilton is going to prison, but she's not going quietly. Today, she led police on a low-speed chase through Bloomingdales" David Letterman

"Gas is so expensive in Malibu that I saw some straight guys rollerblading" Jay Leno

"Yesterday at his ranch in Texas President Bush hosted the leader of NATO. Ther was an awkward moment when Bush said "Maybe some day I could visit you in Natonia" :rolleyes: Jay Leno

"Under this new congressional plan, illegal immigrants woild be abel to live in the U.S. if they pay a $5,000 fine, so that would rule out working people or parents trying to support a family, however, you would still get to keep all the drug dealers" :eek: Jay Leno
 
"Congratulations to Jordin Sparks, she's the new "American Idol", the moment, however was spoiled when Paula Abdul tripped over her" :lol: David Letterman

"It's starting to get nasty out there on the campaign trail. a new book by veteran Democrat strategist Robert Shrum clams when asked about gay rights John Edwards said "I'm not comfortable around those people", do you believe that? how does a guy who spends $400 bucks to get his hair styled does not like gay people" :eek: Jay Leno
 
"I saw a shocking picture of Paris Hilton today. She was carrying the Bible, she probably stole it from one of her parents hotel rooms" :eek:..Jimmy Kimmel

Some of Michael Jackson;s personal possessions will be auctioned off in Las vegas this month. The one thing Michael won't be parting with, is his Pinocchio doll, he wouldn't sell that, because he's hoping one day it'll turn into a real boy" Jay Leno

"Beautiful day in New York, it's sunny and 84, like Regis Philbin" :lol: David Letterman

"President Bush unveilved his tough new immigration policy, he wants to deport Jimmy Carter" :rolleyes: Jay Leno


"The average price of a gallon of gas is at a record high of $3.15.. meaning, wherever you're going this summer, it might be cheaper to mail your car" Amy Poehler

"A new bird called the gorgeted puffleg, is a blue-and-green-throated hummingbird, a new species discovered in a rain forest in Columbia... but still nothing on bin Laden" Amy Poehler :mad:
 
"A guy in Cairo tried to sneak 700 anakes on a plane, I wonder where he got that idea from?" :eek: Craig Ferguson

"Democrat Bill Richardson offically announced he's running for president, so now he has offically no chance of winning" :( Jay Leno

'At a press conference in the Rose Garden, President Bush was speaking when a bird pooped on him. Apparently, the bird spent the rest of the day high-fiving the other birds" :lol: Conan O'Brien
 
desertwind said:
'At a press conference in the Rose Garden, President Bush was speaking when a bird pooped on him. Apparently, the bird spent the rest of the day high-fiving the other birds" :lol: Conan O'Brien
Click to expand...

That's really funny!!! :lol::lol::lol:

Keep posting these, desertwind, I enjoy a lot reading them :D
 
"Democrats announced they're going to have six debates in six different cities, all around the country. The good news is that Hillary Clinton will use a different accent in each city" :D Jay Leno

"According to a new study, Viagra cures jet lag, at least that's what Bill Clinton told Hillary when she found the pills in his luggage" :eek: David Letterman
 
desertwind said:
"According to a new study, Viagra cures jet lag, at least that's what Bill Clinton told Hillary when she found the pills in his luggage" :eek: David Letterman
Click to expand...
Good one! :lol:
 
From her prison cell,"May I have your autograph Miss [Lindsay Lohan} Oh, I mean Miss Paris Hilton" :eek: David Letterman

"Lindsay Lohan is put of rehab, then back in rehab. and it's her 21st birthday this weekend, and was going to sponsered by a top brand of Vodka, If you're BD party is being sponsered by a Vodka company, then perhaps you're not taking the whole sobriety thing seriously" :D Craig Ferguson

"Congress is considering issuing a no-confidence resolution concerning Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. After hearing this, President Bush said "You know, that's not going to help his confidence :rolleyes: Conan O' Brien

"Experts sais this is going to be a very busy hurricane season, to which FEMA says "Not for us" :mad: Jay Leno
 
"Jail could be good for Paris, when you think back, so many people throughout history emerged from their imprisonment to bacome great leaders..Mahatma Gandhi, Nelson Mandela, Dr. Martin Luther King..'Lil Kim' :lol:
Jimmy Kimmel

"The reason why the Paris Hilton story is so hugh is because nothing else is really going on the world..well there is the world leaders' gathering at G-8 Summit to discuss the fate of the earth, and oh yeah were at war, other than that not really anything"! :eek: Craig Ferguson

"Al Gore made an apperance in Chicago, and at one point the crowd started cheering Run-Run, they weren't talking about the presidency, they just meant he was fat" :confused: Conan o'Brien

"There's a rumor that Hillary Clinton had some plastic surgery, friends of her denied that, saying 'believe it or not, that's her natural forced smile' :D Conan O'Brien
 
I love getting mine from my magazine Entertainment Weekly:

"The hot-dog eating crown rightfully belongs to America, because America invented the hot dog when a family or raccoons got lost in a toothpaste factory." - Stephen Colbert on the Colbert Report.

"It says, 'Ingredients: Cancer!'!" :lol: - Andy Dick, reading a food-coloring bottle after dying his tongue black, on Martha
 
"Paris is suffering from insomnia, because she's not used to sleeping in the same bed every night" :eek: David Letterman

"Some people are saying Paris planned this whole thing just so she could have another cavity search" :confused: Jimmy Kimmel

"Leaders from the 8 wealthiest countries in the world have gathered in Germany for the G-8 Summit. The G-8 was created in 1975 to give Europeans who aren't into soccer something to riot about. President Bush is there. I don't think Pres. Bush really understands the G8..everytime some says G-8, he yells out 'BINGO' :D Jay Leno
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top