From the Monologues

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"Day five of Paris Hilton in prison, she's adjusting well to prison life. Today she joined the Latin Kings" :D David Letterman

"Paris Hilton's lawyer visited her on prison. She said she is using her tme in jail to see what she can do to make the world a better place. So far the only thing she could come up with, is stay in jail" :eek: Conan O'Brien

"There seems to be tension between President Bush and Russian Vladmir Putin. Again, Bush thinks this is good, he think's a new Cold War could help global warming :confused: Jay Leno
 
"Paris Hilton is a new person after spending almost a week in jail. She called Barbara Walters and told her she's not going to ACT dumb anymore, now she's going to just be dumb" :D Jimmy Kimmel

"After finding GOD in jail Pairs, asked this question "Where would Jesus shop" :eek: David Letterman

"New York City is now the safest big city in the nation. Thank You, Spider Man" :lol: David Letterman

"According to the ARRP, brushing your teeth causes up to 4,000 injuries a year, to which the British said "SEE! :rolleyes: jAY lENO

"How about that Paris Hilton thingy? isn't it so silly? she was hustled into a squad car, scraming for her mother.. not a pretty picture, that's excatly how I left NBC" :D David Letterman
 
"Paris Hilton has been dropped by her talent agency, but don't worry, Paris was immediately snatched up by a no-talent agency" :D Conan O' Brien

"June is for high school graduations and weddings, and here in New York City, many kids do both on the same day" :eek: David Letterman

"Director Steven Spielberg has announced that he will endorse Hillary Clinton for president. he says he likes Hillary, because she combines the warmth of 'Jurassic Park" with the charisma of the mashed potato tower in 'Close Encounters'...you'd think he'd endores Dennis Kucinich after giving him the lead role in "ET" :lol: Jimmy Kimmel
 
"Dan Rather came out swinging this week. He said that CBS and Katie Couric are 'tarting' up the news. Tarting up the news? As opposed to Dan, who just made up the news" :D Jay Leno

"This just in Al-Qaida is claiming credit for the vague ending of "The Sopranos" :eek: David Letterman

"Paula Abdul celebrated her 45th birthday, unfortunately, when paula blew out her birthday candles, her breath caught fire and scorched a two-block radius" :eek: Conan O'Brien

"I have the latest on the presidential campaign. Hillary Clinton has launched a Web-site where people can get all the latest Hillary news, in a related story, John Edwards has launched a new Web-site where people can order his secret blend of shampoos and conditioners" :lol: Conan O'Brien
 
"Psychiatrists concluded that the reason Britney Spears shaved off her head was because she was having a hormonal moment. I can't count the number of women I knew, who when having a hormonal moment want to look like Elmer Fudd" :D David Brenner

"According to a new poll, 15% of Americans say that Sen. Hillary Clinton gives them the creeps. The other 85% say she gives them the willies or the heebie-jeebies" :eek: Jay Leno

"Ozzy Osbourne sold his mansion in Los Angeles. Ozzy said he had to sell the house because he "could never find it" :lol: Conan O' Brien
 
"This week in Texas, a fire broke out in a wherehouse destroying 2,000 pounds of marijuana. Officials say more than 60 firefighters and over 2,000 college students responded to the blaze" :lol: Conan O'Brien

"A new study released this week listed the most enviormentally friendly coprorations is the world. One of the corporations that came in last place was CBS. it's true. We just beat the nuclear power plant in Chernobyl" :eek: Craig Ferguson

"It was so hot today, Matthew McConaughey had a reason to run around without a shirt" :p Jay Leno
 
desertwind said:
"This week in Texas, a fire broke out in a wherehouse destroying 2,000 pounds of marijuana. Officials say more than 60 firefighters and over 2,000 college students responded to the blaze" :lol: Conan O'Brien
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That's really funny!!! :lol: :lol:

Keep posting things like this, you made easier the begguining of the day for a lot of us! :p
 
Thank's poison_girl they are hilarious, their in our daily paper, so I collect a few, and then post them!

"Paris has been liberated. Didnt we all go through this week's ago? She's finished her sentence, she has been rehabilited, now she can go back to doing whatever she does, what the hell does she do?" :lol: Craig Ferguson

"It was so hott today in New York, Hillary Clinton went to the beach in a one-piece pantsuit" :eek: David Letterman

"There was a hugh blackout in the Upper East Side of New York, we haven't seen a blackout this bad since Lindsay Lohan was in town" :confused: Craig Ferguson
 
"Last week they had the annual congressional baseball game! The House Republicans beat the House Democrats 5-2/typical of both parties..the Republicans kept stealing, and then after the game, the Democrats demanded a recount" :eek: Jay Leno

"Donald Rumsfeld back in the news! He's writing a book about his experiences as secretary of defense. Apparently, he has no problem starting his book, he just has no idea how to end the damn thing" :D Craig Ferguson

"Paris Hilton made her post-jail appearance on Larry King. she said spending an hour with Larry made her miss solitary confinment" :lol: Jay Leno
 
"It's Lindsay Lohan's birthday, she's 21 and finally old enough to start drinking. Just as soon as she gets out of rehab" :rolleyes: Craig Ferguson

"The Transformers' movie is now showing. It's about giant robots that destroy things. Oscar season is going to love this one, You can keep your "Gone with The Wind" and keep you "Citizen Kane" give me some giant robots" :D Craig Ferguson

"As I'm sure you know, President Bush's immigration bill failed to pass. To be fair, this is not the first time in his life Bush has heard the word "failed to pass"... It was voted down by the Senate. I wondered why the help at Wal-Mart seeme a little testy today..in fact, some illegal aliens are so angry, they're threatning to leave the country" :cool: Jay Leno

"The other day at the Mexican/U.S. Border, 3 illegal aliens were discovered under the hood of a Ford pick-up truck. When Bush heard about this he said "No, that was wrong, we don't call them engines anymore, they're now called Native Americans" :rolleyes: Jay Leno
 
"When the Associated Press asked all the candidates what their drea job sould be, if they couldn't be president, New Mexico Bill Richardson sad his dream job would be center fielder for the New York Yankees, Joe Biden sas he wanted to be an architect, and Dennis Kucnich said his dream is to grow up and one day become a real live boy" :eek: Jay Leno

This is from Vegas comedians about the 'heat wave' were having here!

"It's so hot here that the devil left hell two days ago for Phoenix" :D Louie Anderson

"It's a dry heat, all that means is you don't stink when you die" :rolleyes: Louie Anderson

"I'm not going to hell, if hell is hotter than it is here, it's not going to work for me" George Wallace :lol:
 
More 'how hot is it"?

"Here's how hot it is in New York City today, over at St. Patrick's the holy water is whistling" :confused: David Letterman

"So hot in Washington D.C...a chunk of ice fell off Dick Cheney" :D Daivd Letterman

"So hot, Scooter Libby wishes he was in the cooler" :eek: David Letterman

"So hot, Ted Williams said ":Who's crazy now"? :devil: David Letterman
 
"A new poll claims that Dick Cheney has a 59 percent disaproval rating, which makes him the least popular VP in U.S> history, even worse, the only people polled were Cheney, his wife and daughter" :eek: Conab O'Brien

"Hot and miserable here in New York City today, it was 93 and unbearable, just like Regis" :D David Letterman

"It was 194 degrees in Las Vegas today. All over town, women have been forced to take off their clothes and rub their bodies against cold metal poles, just to survive" :rolleyes: Jimmy Kimmel
 
"This week in Iran, Iranian designers held a fashion show using Iranian models. And guess what? for the 5,000th year in a row, burquas are in" :D Conan O'Brien

"I love N.Y. in the summer time, where else could you spend $25 on a sweat shirt? :confused: David Letterman

"Sen. Ted Kennedy reported to jury duty this week, but they refused to take him. The judge said Kennedy's hugh head would block the view of the other jurors" :eek: Jay Leno

"In the new Harry Potter movie Harry is prohibited from using his wand. I believe it's the same deal Hillary has with Bill" :D David Letterman
 
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