DAVES TOP TEN

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TOP TEN QUESTIONS ON THE JOB APPLICATION FOR NEW YORK KNICKS PRESIDENT

10..Are you deeply committed to sucking?:wtf:

9..Any suggestions for new ways to rip-off fans and overpay players?:vulcan:

8..Can you promise to deliver New York a winning team within 25 years?:rolleyes:

7..Are you a cop?:confused:

6..Are you cool with Isiah Thomas calling you BITCH?:rommie:

5..Can you transform this team from laughing stock to loveable losers?:lol:

4..How much do you think we could get for a naked photo of Yao Ming?:evil:

3..Do you mind making this circus semll "Elephanty"?:borg:

2..Do you have any friends who can play center, powerforward, point guard or shooting guard?:scream:

1..Are you insane?:eek:
 
TOP TEN QUESTIONS BUSH ASKED THE POPE:guffaw:

10..Where's te little lady?:wtf:

9..How long have you been "Poping"?:rolleyes:

8..Jessica Alba, or Jessican Biel?:alienblush:

7..Have you ever tried eggs Benedict?:rommie:

6..Could you perform an exorcism on Dick Cheney?:lol:

5..Are you on spring break?:rolleyes:

4..What are you doing for Passover?:vulcan:

3..Can I come and visit you and Rudolph at the North Pole?:censored:

2..Could you recored a wacky VM for my recorder?:scream:

1..Could you do something about my aproval rating?:devil:
 
TOP TEN SIGNS PRESIDENT BUSH HAS TOO MUCH TIME ON HIS HANDS

10..Spends most of his day looking for friends on Facebook:rommie:

9..Stops by Cheney's office every 5 minutes to see if he's still alive:devil:

8..Calls leaders of foreign countires yelling "Baba Booey Baba Booey" also listens to the "Howard Stern Show":scream:

7..Sits on the White House lawn and waves at cars:rolleyes:

6..THe man is a walking encyclopedia on "The Hills":confused:

5..Gives the White House Tour:lol:

4..Earlier today, he washed and waxed Air Force One:thumbsup:

3..Doing a 3 episode stint as a sexy assistant on "How I Met Your Mother":rolleyes:

2.."President on the Trampoline" isn't the Secret Service code, he's actually on the damn trampoline:rommie:

1..Finally catching up on unread intelligence memos:evil:
 
TOP TEN REASONS HILLARY CLINTON LOVES AMERICA

10..We have more Dakotas than any other country:confused:

9..Canadian bacon, soggy and chewy, American bacon, crisp and delicious:drool:

8..Thank's to our Internet, I can order new pantsuits 24/7..so there's your pantsuit joke Dave are you happy?:rommie:

7..232 years and not one cookie shortage:rolleyes:

6..TiVo:vulcan:

5..Did I mention soup, MMMM, soup:lol:

4..Did you all know that Teddy Roosevelt was an American?:wtf:


3..Where else can you get your car painted for $29.99:bolian:

2..Is this the part where I say 'Live From New York, it's Saturday Night Live":D

1..Apparently anyone can get a talk show:lol:
 
TOP TEN SIGNS THERE'S TROUBLE AT THE WEATHER CHANNEL

10..They're rerunning forecasts from 2004:rolleyes:

9..Weathercasters giggle every time they say "Ball-lightning":lol:

8..Hours of programming devoted to footage of clouds that look like monkeys:confused:

7..Watercooler talk includes hilarious comments like "Doppler" "I don't ever know her":wtf:

6..Long rage forecast, "Winter cold..Summer hot":rommie:

5..CEO was caught selling anernometers out of the trunk of his car:confused:

4..Smiling graphic of the sun is giving the finger:evil:

3..From 6 to midnight, it's just a guy making wind noises with his mouth:guffaw:

2..They don't have a single magician on this week:cardie:

1..Satellite shot always seems to catch Jennifer Aniston sunbathing:thumbsup:
 
THus pertains to the guy who they stuck in the airplane bathroom for 3 hours:wtf:

TOP TEN JETBLUE EXCUSES

10..Pilots judgment was impaired for a whole day of drinking:rolleyes:

9..Passenger never requested a non-lavatory seat:alienblush:

8..I wasn't just any toilet, it was the "Admiral's Toilet":evil:

7..That thar, seat countin' is hard:rommie:

6..It was either there, or the overhead compartment:thumbsup:

5..If we didn't lock him in the bathroom, he would have complained about that:vulcan:

4..Any publicity is good publicity..right?:vulcan:

3..We thought he was the Federal Toilet Marshall:rolleyes:

2..C'mon, it's better thatn Amtrak:mad:

1..Honestly, we never thought the plane would take off:lol:
 
TOP TEN SURPRISES IN THE NEW OSAMA BIN LADEN AUDIO TAPE

10..The tape begins with "Jihad, Jihad, 1,2,3...Jihad Jihad, 1,2,3:scream:

9..Kept promising weekly iTunes terror podcasts:evil:

8..Went nuts on caller who said Joe Giradi's doing a good job:confused:

7..He's a little "pitchy dawg":lol:

6..It's just an informercial for his new "Lean, Mean Goat Grillin' Machine":rolleyes:

5..Complains "Grey's Anatomy" has totally 'Jumped the shark":devil:

4..He's interrupted 3 times by the blind sheik yelling "Baba Booey":guffaw:

3..Background noise suggests he's clearly in a bowling alley:eek:

2..Announced his engagement to Star Jones:p

1..Even he can't believe Bush hasn't caught him:klingon:
 
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE NOT GOING TO WIN "AMERICAN IDOL"

10..Judges harshly critique performance before you sing:wtf:

9.Most of the votes received, wrong numbers:confused:

8..When you sing, that "thing" on Amy Winehouse's head starts yelping:lol:

7..Producers refuse to tell you where the finale is being held

6..Even Dick Cheney think's what you do is cruel and inhumane:klingon:

5..While talking to Ryan Seacrest, you nervously yell "No deal, Howie!:lol:

4..Every time you hit a high note, your pants fall down:eek:

3..No #3..writer playing Grand Theft XBox..promises jokes tomorrow:rommie:

2..Even Hillary admits you have no chance:evil:

1..You're so desperate, you skipped Paula and slept with Randy:alienblush:
 
TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD IN LINE TO SEE THE NEW INDIANA JONES MOVIE:lol:

10..Indy's so old in this one, his whip needs "Cialis":rommie:

9..$185 million budget-there better be some damn monkeys:confused:

8..Dude, why the hell are you dressed like Spock?:wtf:

7..I can't wait for the next one in 2027:evil:

6..Is this the movie about those 4 chicks who go slutting around in New York City?:p

5..If Indiana Jones wants to defeat evil, he should go after the oil companies--zing:scream:


4..Yes, Harrison, your eligible for a senior citizen discount:lol:

3..No #3 writer waiting in line to see the new Indiana Jones movie:vulcan:

2..If I want to see an old guy running around, I'll go to a McCain rally:borg:

1..Shouldn't you be at the White House Mr. President:guffaw:
 
TOP TEN REVELATIONS IN THE SCOTT McCLELLAN BOOK

10..Thought it was safe to write a tell all book because the president doesn't read:evil:

9..Resigned from press secretary job because Helen Thomas kept flashing him:wtf:

8..Due to clerical error, CIA spent two years fighting Al Jarreau:lol:

7..When things are busy, the president will stay as late as 4 pm:rolleyes:

6..White House has an illegal cable hookup:alienblush:

5..Each time McClellan lied about Iraq, Bush have him a barrel of oil:scream:

4..Before politics Secretary of Defense Robert Gates was a drummer for FOGHAT:guffaw:

3..Still appears at conventions as "Chachi" [oh, soory that's revealed in Scott Baio's book]:eek:

2..No #2..writer at screening of "Sex and the City"..and lovin' it:drool:

1..Beneath sunny exterior, Cheney's kind of a jerk:klingon:
 
TOP TEN MESSAGES LEFT ON BARACK OBAMA'S ANSWERING MACHINE:lol:

10..I'ts Eliot Spitzer..lets get some girls and celebrate:alienblush:

9..John McCain here, I..crap, I forgot why I called:rolleyes:

8..This is AL Gore, don't make the same mistake I did and win the popular vote:vulcan:

7.It's John McCain again, what is this some kind of machine that answers the phone?:lol:

6..This is John Kerry, are you interested in a subscription to "Sports Illustrated":rommie:

5..You've just made a powerful enemy of the Pantsuit Mfgs. of America:scream:

4..It's Randy Jackson..your last speech was a bit pitchey:cardie:

3..No number 3..writer stuck on plane with Scott McClellan:evil:

2..Hillary Clinton, I'm still prepared to offer you the VP position:confused:

1..Oprah, hey I helped you get the nomination, now will you help me get rid of Dr. Phil:guffaw:
 
TOP TEN QUESTIONS ON THE BARACK OBAMA RUNNING MATE APPLICATION

10..How much expierence do you have doing nothing?:alienblush:

9..Do you have any crazy clergymen we should know about?:lol:

8..Will you help your oil company buddies achieve recent profits by screwing consumers?:rolleyes:

7..How many friends do you have on Facebook?:rommie:

6..Can your charisma and vitality match the high standards set by Dick Cheney?:rolleyes:

5..Why the hell was Billy Crystal on Letterman talking about 'SOAP' the Complete Series, now available on DVD?:confused:

4..Do you think the Yankees should move Joba back to the bullpen?:borg:

3..Any idea what happened on the season finale of 'LOST"?:wtf:

2..Ever sleep with Barbara Walters?:drool:

1..By any chance to you know where Osama bin Laden is?:evil:
 
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE DRINKING TOO MUCH COFFEE

10.Your blood type has been reclassified as "expresso":lol:

9..Every morning you go for a quick 47 mile jog:wtf:

8..As soon as as California legalized gay marriage, you get engaged to Mr. Coffee":rommie:

7..Your after shave? Hazelnut non-dairy creamer:p

6..You're tapping your leg like Larry Craig in a men's room stall:eek:

5..A Starbucks just opened in your basement:lol:

4..Your last words before bypass surgery, "Tell Juan Valdez I love him":guffaw:

3..Average blink, 80 per minute:rolleyes:

2..You named your kids "Tall" "Grande" and "Venti":bolian:

1..Unable to sleep, you actually watch "The Late Show":confused:
 
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