DAVES TOP TEN

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TOP TEN SIGNS YOU CHOOSE THE WRONG GUY FOR A CARPOOL

10--Before starting the car-hands you an organ donor card

9--Says he can fit one more-if you sit on his lap

8--Keeps asking if you'd like to learn about the joys of Scientology

7--Says "Hey wanna see the air bags"?

6--Introduces you to his friend Chet-and there's no one else in the car

5--Keeps playing the Regis Xmas CD

4--Wants you to know that this car can also be used as a getaway car

3--The other 3 carpoolers are in the back- bound and gagged

2--Never met him- but he's got Polaroids of you all over the dash

1--Whenever you stop at a red light-he gently strokes you thigh
 
oh my word, thisi is funny. My favorites are the ones making fun of Bush. Yup. Although I'm the only one in my family that dislikes Bush.
 
Yeah, I went to the site. Kinda funny actually. My 9-year-old brother didnt get it though. I told him 'its a teen thing' 'But Reagan, It just doesnt make sense, see, im 14 now, and it still doesnt make sense!' 'youre not 14, youre 9' 'i know...' he is such a doofus lol
 
TOP TEN WAYS TO MAKE YOUR NEW YEARS EVE PARTY MORE EXCITING

10--Anthrax Canapes

9-Hire a George W. Bush impersonator

8--Get a Times Square hotel room within heckling distance of Dick Clark

7--Hookers-Hookers-Hookers

6--Instead of family-friends & neighbors-invite hitch-hikers-drifters & runaways

5--Invest in a jig-saw puzzles & thank me later

4--Announce to guests-"One of you won't live to see the New Year"

3--Every male guest automatically entered in contest to see who becomes Jennifer Lopez's next husband

2--Club soda plus nail polish remover- equals homemade champagne

1--don't invite me
 
TOP TEN WAYS TO MAKE YOUR NEW YEARS EVE PARTY MORE EXCITING
7--Hookers-Hookers-Hookers

6--Instead of family-friends & neighbors-invite hitch-hikers-drifters & runaways

4--Announce to guests-"One of you won't live to see the New Year"
Click to expand...

Number 7- I'll drink to that :)
Number 6- Interesting Midnight Kiss :eek: :devil: :)
Number 4- Who are you inviting to this party OJ Simpson :eek: :lol:

Here's this week's top ten contest.
Top Ten Rejected Titles For "Brokeback Mountain"

10. "Not-That-There's-Anything-Wrong-With-That Mountain"
Stephen F., Santa Fe, NM

9. "How The West Was Hung"
Mike K., Lincoln, NE

8. "Little Bathhouse on the Prairie"
John T., Monroe, OH

7. "For a Few Dollars More We Can Make It a Threesome"
Tom W., Richmond, VA

6. "Go West, Young Man...Now South...A Little More To The South...Oh God, Yes! Right There!"
J K., New York, NY

5. "Clint Eastwood's Nightmare"
Clinton F., Columbus, IN

4. "The Good, The Bad and the Fabulous!"
Jonathan B., Santa Monica, CA

3. "Broke My Back Mounting Him"
Joe T., Pennington, NJ

2. "Oklahomo"
Robert H., Huntingdon, PA

1. "Fun With Dick In James"
Ray H., Drexel Hill, PA
 
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE AT A LAME NEW YEARS PARTY

10--To give it a Times Square feel-everyone is groped-fondled and pick-pockted

9--"Party hats" look suspiciously like stolen traffic cones

8--"Ball drop" at midnight consists of a trick your Uncle Earl does when he's loaded

7--Champagne-- really apple juice mixed with Alka Seltzer

6--You notice a "Happy 1999" tag on the package of shrimp you've been eating all night

5--Your host kicks everyone out at 11:58-so they can go to bed

4--The only guest left is you & Richard Simmons and guess who wants a kiss

3--The Amish can do many things well- but throwing a party isn't one of them

2--It's just you and 12 Mullahs-in a cave

1--It's held in March
 
TOP TEN DUMB GUY NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS

10--Eat more paint

9-Remove glass from TV screen-crawl through into "Desperate Housewives"

8--Start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store

7--Check on Eggos buried in backyard-to see if a "waffle tree" has grown yet-

6--I's gonna build me a spaceship

5--Lose every pound of weight

4--Brush teeth with the bristly end of toothbrush

3--Only take medicine that tastes like candy

2--Oh, who am I kidding- no medicine tastes like candy

1--Learn what the hell "resolution" means
 
TOP TEN NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS FROM ME-DAVE

10--Cover the remaining 80% of my body with tatoos

9--Reprise my role as "Ponch" in another "Chips" reunion role

8--No more sponteaneous-drunken marriages

7--Mail the love letter I wrote last year to that cute mannequin at the GAP

6--Order glasses from Lens-Crafters right before midnite and then sue then because they weren't ready till 2006

5--Go into the bathroom I sealed off five years ago- & see if that big bug is gone

4--Try & complete one TV Guide crossword puzzle without asking for help

3--Cut back to 3 Martini's before the show

2--Cut back to 6 Martini's before the show

1--Don't renew NY Knicks season tickets
 
Top Ten Perks Of Winning The Heisman Trophy


10. "Trophy can be used as ID at airports"

9. "Now when coach gives me pointers, I can say, 'And how many Heismans have you won?'"

8. "Lifetime supply of pigskin"

7. "Microchip in the trophy gets me through E-Z Pass"

6. "The trophy holds 10,000 songs"

5. "Now maybe someone on the team'll get a date besides pretty boy Matt Leinhart"

4. "Steinbrenner's trying to get me to sign with the Yankees"

3. "I now have the world's most valuable paperweight"

2. "Secret code for 'Madden NFL 2006' video game that lets me see John Madden naked"

1. "You're the only Bush with an approval rating over 40%"

Number one is my favorite :lol: :lol:
 
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE NOT GETTING ENOUGH SLEEP

10--You always fall asleep on airplanes- and your the pilot

9--Can't even stay asleep for the two minutes it takes to have sex

8--You're so tired- you get winded just chewing gum

7--When asked to describe your self-most people say "letharge son-of-a-gun"

6--You're typical lunch-coffee grounds on whole wheat

5--You schedule unnecesasary surgery- just for the 3 hrs. of anesthetic

4--Writers to tired for #4

3--You take naps in the nude

2--Duties as Pres. limit you to 11 hrs. a nite

1--You're beginning to think Michael Jackson is innocent
 
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