DAVES TOP TEN

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TOP TEN NEW YORK CITY TOURISTS QUESTIONS

10--Does it always smell like this

9--Did that rat just knock over that parking meter


8--$25 for a hot pretzel

7--Why is your hand on my ass

6--Are there really 2 'L's in Rolex

5--Who knew the diamond district had so many Amish

4--What do you mean the guy carrying my bags doesn't work for the hotel

3--Do I have to come back to NY to testify

2--Where the hell are all the strip joints

1--No, I'm no looking for a good time-hey, aren't you Bill Clinton
 
Hahahaha that's absolutely priceless. Do you get it off the site or do you just have really good memory. I'm really interested in seeing the list called "Top Ten Ways Your Lover(or gf??) is dating a monkey" I think that's what it was called...
 
jorja_fan86-actually if you go to CBS- and click on David Letterman- it'll bring up the 'top ten' then I print them out- they are hiliarious :D :D :D-thank's for enjoying them-but be my guest if you find some you like post them- we all need laughter now a days right :D
 
Top Ten Chapter Titles In Bill Clinton's Memoirs


10. "I'm Writing This Chapter Naked"

9. "I Pray Hillary Doesn't Read Pages 6, 18, 41-49, 76 And Everything Past 200"

8. "Protecting The Constitution: How To Get Gravy Stains Out Of The Parchment"

7. "A Few Of My Favorite Subpoenas"

6. "From Gennifer to Paula to Monica: Why It Pays To Keep Lowering Your Standards"

5. "1995-1998: The Extra-Pasty Years"

4. "Kneel To The Chief"

3. "What's The Deal With That Moron You Guys Replaced Me With?"

2. "NAFTA -- Bringing America Into... Ah Screw That, Who Wants To Read Some More About Bubba Gettin' Down?"

1. "The Night I Accidentally Slept With Hillary" :lol:

My favorite in number 1 :)


Top Ten Words You're Most Likely to Hear in Monica Lewinsky's Testimony


10. "McLovin"

9. "Thingie"

8. "Clintern"

7. "Disappointing"

6. "Menage-a-Reno"

5. "Cool"

4. "Ranch"

3. "Doritos"

2. "Hillary" (Oh, sorry, that's a word you're least likely to hear)

1. "Shhhhhhhh"
 
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE WATCHING A BAD DIASTER MOVIE

10--The big flood is averted thanks to half a squirt of Liguid Plumber

9--Actor playing seismologist hero has all the charisma of an actual seismologist

8--Climatic scene kills half the regulars on "Hollywood Squares"

7--The big diaster? Duane Reade ran out of Bounce fabric softner

6--No only is the killer storm leveling cities-it's also haunted

5--"Explosions" are just crew members shouting "Pcchewwwwwww!!"

4--Tornadoes suck up dozens of parked cars and gently put them down in less convenient parking spots

3--It's directed by Stuart Spielberg

2--Dialogue includes many references to TGI Fridays delicious mudslides

1--The earth is saved by the hilarious antics of the Harlem Globetrotters!!!!
 
TOP TEN THINGS TOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR AT YOUR CHRISTMAS OFFICE PARTY

10--I think the icing on the cake is white-out

9-The bar will be open from 9-to 9-05

8--I've never seen chunky egg nog before- GROSS

7--My New Years resloution-stop videotaping in the mens room

6--Ooh, another windbraker with the company logo on it-- that'll really help my kids with their college fund

5--Your suppose to sit naked on the Xerox machine-not the shredder

4--Let's put on the Regis Xmas album

3--Why is Larry naked

2--There's Letterman--- lets get him

1--Yeah, a glass of watery apple cider and a cookie-makes up for a year of bull**it
 
TOP TEN THINGS A DEPARTMENT STORE SANTA DOESN'T WANT TO HEAR FROM KIDS

10--Remember me Santa- the kid with the weak bladder

9--You smell like cheap Gin

8--The real Miracle on 34th Street-would be if they accepted my mom Mastercard

7--I want a 2005 Pontiac-Aztek

6--Oh, and if I don't get an X-box-I'm going to hunt you down old man

5--I'm Jewish

4--I love you Kenny Rogers

3--Frankly, I'm just here to humor my parents

2--While I'm talkig to you-my mom is shoplifting

1--Mommy says that you're my real daddy
 
TOPM TEN SIGNS YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BE NAMED "TIME MAGAZINE'S" PERSON OF THE YEAR AWARD

10--Your biggest achievement-this year-was setting up your TIVO

9--You failed a paternity test on Maury

8--The only award you've ever won is for eating your weight in ribs

7-You were on the Robert Blake jury

6--Don't subscribe to "TIME" but flip through "HUSTLER" at 7-11

5--You were on the Michael Jackson jury

4--Only compliment you got this year was you boss saying "you're doing a heck of a job"

3--You have Bill Gates looks and personailty - but NO money

2--You spend your free time hot tubbin' with whores

1--You taped the George Bush & the locked door fiasco
 
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR WIFE IS IN LOVE WITH KING KONG

10--Always works late when the circus is in town

9--Can't turn on CNN without seeing her danglng from the Empire State Bldg.

8--There are several enoromous footprints by the hot tub

7--Your Visa bill shows a $2,000 charge from Chiquita

6--Asks' "why don't you ever put me in the palm of your hand

5--Was riveted by the Dr. Phil episode "I'm In Love with A Giant Monkey"

4--One long hair on her sweater is 8 ft. long

3--She wants to change her name to Connie Kong

2--Your baby is a dead ringer for Chewbacca

1--Thehouse smells chimpy
 
TOP TEN SIGNS SANTA IS MAD AT YOU

10--Got you Knicks season tickets

9--Pounds glass of milk- then your wife

8--Rudolph left you a gift on the roof

7--Your only gifts this year- bits of old food he found in his beard--EWWWWWWWWW

6-Instead of "Merry Christmas- he tells you "suck it"

5-Someone keyed the side of your car with a Candy Cane

4--He see you when your sleeping- he knows when your awake- and posts photos of you in your tub online

3--He sends his drunken brother Ronnie Kringle

2--You're the idiot who told the NY transit workers to go on strike

1--Instead of 'naughty' or 'nice' you're listed as 'asshole"
 
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE AT A BAD MALL

10--Mall security guards won't stop tasering psople

9--The mannequins are giving you the finger

8--You toss a penny in the fountain-& it hits a corspe

7--Lennscrafters promises your glasses- in a month

6--The Sbarro sbucks?? (I don't know what this means)

5--It's located in the bad part of Fallujah

4--Saturday is "Mexican Gang Day"

3--You check your coat- and 10 min. later it's on sale at J.C. Penny's

2--The sales person keeps offering to check your inseam- and your at a bookstore

1--The only thing half off- is Santa's pants
 
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