CSI Fan Fiction Critique Group.
- Thread starter lostladyknight
- Start date
Jennifer
Lab Technician
TQ: Sad to say, but I really can't answer the question. You see, the stories I've written, and will likely write in the future, never revolve around a case, or aspects of a case. This is because it would take A LOT of thought, planning, and research to write such a story, and quite frankly I don't have the time in my life to put THAT much effort into a story. It would take me years to do that. And I'm not exaggerating. Some people may be able to write case type stories very easily, but that's definitely not me 
. Unfortunately. So...what I write is fluff, fluff with a little plot, and while my stories *may* have a little CSI stuff or terminology, it certainly couldn't be qualified as a case.
***********************************************************
Critique:
In last week's TQ I said that a mark of a great writer is the ability to write multi-chaptered stories and keep it going, keep me enthralled from chapter to chapter, not dragging it out with an unGodly amount of angst (which I can't stand), not ending it with a rush, or making it disjointed. And I have to tell you...this story fulfilled all but one of the above!
- I was kept enthralled from the first chapter on, wondering if Elliot was okay, if she and Horatio would meet, would he realize she was his daughter,would the killer get to Elliot before Horatio, etc.
- while the subject matter was dicey with the murder of Donna and Elliot's little brother, and Elliot's abuse & being kicked out of her house at such a young age, the story didn't contain 'too much' angst. It was the right amount for the story. You didn't drag it on and on and on with an endless array of bad things happening to Elliot (and for that I bless you) or anyone else.
- the story wasn't disjointed with several stories happening within one, like say if you'd written a romantic entanglement between Horatio and some other woman into the story, or another case going on at the same time. You had a case and you stuck to it.
That said, the one thing that didn't work for me was the ending. It seemed rushed to me, like you'd gotten tired of writing it so threw out a few paragraphs to conclude the story. It's as if there's more to the story, that you haven't finished it. There was so much detail and plot developement in chapters 1 through 5, and then a very quick wrap up for chapter 6...funeral, Horatio explains things to Maura, Maura talks to Elliot, killer still not caught, and Horatio drives away. A more complete ending to the story would've given some content of the talks between Horatio and Maura & Maura and Elliot, not to mention the capture of Eddie, and a resolution of the relationship between Horatio & Elliot.
Now that I've said that, your Author's Notes said that this was Part 1 of a 2 part story. And I noted the published and update dates are the same, so I'm guessing you posted all 6 chapters at the same time, and "parts 1 and 2" relate not to chapters 1 and 2, but this story and a sequel...am I right? I certainly hope so because I definitely want to read more! And it would explain part of the reason why the ending seemed rushed.
. Unfortunately. So...what I write is fluff, fluff with a little plot, and while my stories *may* have a little CSI stuff or terminology, it certainly couldn't be qualified as a case. ***********************************************************
Critique:
In last week's TQ I said that a mark of a great writer is the ability to write multi-chaptered stories and keep it going, keep me enthralled from chapter to chapter, not dragging it out with an unGodly amount of angst (which I can't stand), not ending it with a rush, or making it disjointed. And I have to tell you...this story fulfilled all but one of the above!
- I was kept enthralled from the first chapter on, wondering if Elliot was okay, if she and Horatio would meet, would he realize she was his daughter,would the killer get to Elliot before Horatio, etc.
- while the subject matter was dicey with the murder of Donna and Elliot's little brother, and Elliot's abuse & being kicked out of her house at such a young age, the story didn't contain 'too much' angst. It was the right amount for the story. You didn't drag it on and on and on with an endless array of bad things happening to Elliot (and for that I bless you) or anyone else.
- the story wasn't disjointed with several stories happening within one, like say if you'd written a romantic entanglement between Horatio and some other woman into the story, or another case going on at the same time. You had a case and you stuck to it.
That said, the one thing that didn't work for me was the ending. It seemed rushed to me, like you'd gotten tired of writing it so threw out a few paragraphs to conclude the story. It's as if there's more to the story, that you haven't finished it. There was so much detail and plot developement in chapters 1 through 5, and then a very quick wrap up for chapter 6...funeral, Horatio explains things to Maura, Maura talks to Elliot, killer still not caught, and Horatio drives away. A more complete ending to the story would've given some content of the talks between Horatio and Maura & Maura and Elliot, not to mention the capture of Eddie, and a resolution of the relationship between Horatio & Elliot.
Now that I've said that, your Author's Notes said that this was Part 1 of a 2 part story. And I noted the published and update dates are the same, so I'm guessing you posted all 6 chapters at the same time, and "parts 1 and 2" relate not to chapters 1 and 2, but this story and a sequel...am I right? I certainly hope so because I definitely want to read more! And it would explain part of the reason why the ending seemed rushed.
marymagdalen
Lab Technician
Jennifer, thanks for this. Glad you liked it - mostly!
You're right, I planned to make it a two-parter, and I'll probably be adding more chapters very soon, which will hopefully pick up the loose ends. My problem is, I have to finish the whole thing before posting it, because as the story develops, I sometimes have to go back and change bits, which I couldn't easily do if I'd posted it already.
And I didn't want to have the Horatio/Elliot bit resolved right away - I thought it would make a change for H to be 'rejected' by some kid for a change!!
Hope you like the rest of it - when I get it finished!
Leni
You're right, I planned to make it a two-parter, and I'll probably be adding more chapters very soon, which will hopefully pick up the loose ends. My problem is, I have to finish the whole thing before posting it, because as the story develops, I sometimes have to go back and change bits, which I couldn't easily do if I'd posted it already.
And I didn't want to have the Horatio/Elliot bit resolved right away - I thought it would make a change for H to be 'rejected' by some kid for a change!!
Hope you like the rest of it - when I get it finished!
Leni
lostladyknight
Pathologist
Topic Question:
When writing fanfictions related to the CSI franchise how do you come up with ideas for specific cases? When you come up with the ideas, how do you write them? How do you know what evidence to have the CSI's find? How do you present it?
TQ: When I’m writing fanfics I usually rely heavily on romance or on the dynamic of all of the characters. My CSI fics don’t live up to the name “CSI” too terribly well because I don’t focus on the cases as much as I should. My fics are a lot more like the CSI of Vegas’s season 8, I worry way too much about the characters. However I always do have at least one pretty significant case in the story I’m working on at the time.
Sometimes I present a bunch of smaller cases. In my fic “Elaborate Lives” I had them working on a new case in almost every chapter. It was as though the chapters came along as episodes. I’d have dialogue as the forefront of interest in the chapter, dialogue about one thing or another, but then in the background I’d slip in some detail about the case. In one chapter in particular I had the entire team, including my OC, called to a scene. It was the mass murder of an entire family. Well I slipped snippets of “Nick noticed a print on the door frame and leaned down to collect it.” and “Greg was about to step outside for some air and a little sanctuary from the massive blood bath he was working in when he noticed something strange, there was a key sitting on the window frame next to the front door.” But that was all mixed in to a very heavy romance scene between Warrick and Catherine. It was actually pretty cute the way I did it. Even if it was all mixed in to a crime scene.
The point is that I frequently don’t rely too heavily on the crime solving aspect of CSI because I’m not too good at writing a dramatic murder and then walking the investigators all the way through the solving process. That was actually part of my ulterior motive for selecting this as my TQ. I was hoping to learn a bit from everyone.
However from time to time I do write a fic or two that focus heavily on a certain crime. I’ll spend the entire time writing the fic dabbling and out of certain bits of evidence. Like I said I rely almost solely on the personal dynamic to tell my stories but I’d feel blasphemous if I didn’t include a little crime here or there. I rely on the personal aspect because I feel like I’m good at it. The decade I spent doing theatre taught me a lot about characterization and I am quite prone to believing that I have a pretty firm grasp on my characters, so I show it off a little.
Back to the point of a central case though. I’d start out with the idea, basically, that there was a case or something that they just couldn’t solve for whatever reason. I don’t know why I think I’m going to be so much better at writing a case that stumps the CSI’s than a run of the mill “trick roll” or something like that, but I guess I just live for a challenge, ya know? But I still do it to myself. In my current project fic, “Things Fall Apart” (I had it featured once long while back) I have most of the focus relying on discovering all of the details of a specific murder. This is one time, however, that I have a lot of the information that I’m going to deliver planned out. I think the two biggest things that helped me decide what to use (which I won’t reveal because the fic hasn’t been finished yet) were sitting down and having someone talk it through with me and having a good sense of back story.
Deciding who is going to sit down and talk it out with you can be hard though. I have a few CSI fanfic writing friends who have some very distinct qualities. One is very prone to empathy and tends to think through every detail of a fanfic from the emotional perception of the characters involved. That’s a great and helpful thing sometimes, but other times it takes me weeks to put out a chapter because we can’t agree on how mean I should or shouldn’t be. Another friend I have is absolutely cruel with her characters. The things she comes up with and the suggestions she makes sometimes make me marvel at her ability to think up scenarios for CSI. Honestly I often wish I could find a way to pitch one of her plots to the writers. She’s amazing, and very detailed. She’s the person I most enjoy going to for advice on how to work out cases and stuff like that.
As for the usefulness of back story. I was taught that you don’t just want to know what’s important “right now” in the character’s life, but all of the important things. What was their first kiss like? Do they have any brothers and/or sisters? Were they a happy child? Do they have a dog? Is there mother pretty? And though when I was 11 the first time I had to do a project involving “complex characterization and back story” I thought it was absurd, I can’t say that I still have the same sentiment. Anyone who has ever even thought about embarking on a co-authored fic with me realizes really quickly that I’m so sickeningly detail oriented with my characterization that it drives them a little nuts. That’s why I love writing with Bauerfreak so much (and because she’s an awesome author, read her stuff) because she puts up with my stopping every ten minutes to question the person’s “motive” for saying or doing what they did. This kind of attention to character can only help me when I’m writing a murder. I may not be good at dropping fibers, hairs, or fingerprints but I am a pro when it comes to the reason for the crime. That helps, knowing so much about the character, to figure out what kinds of things they might leave behind. As Grissom says “they always leave a part of them behind.”
I realize that I just wrote all of that and I haven’t even begun to address the other part of the question. How do I decide on the cases? Well I guess I covered it a bit in the above paragraph but I’ll go into it a little more. Usually the cases I choose are either generic run of the mill “cases” like the ones that you’ll see every day on CSI. Like a jealous wife, spurned lover, competitive college student, or uh... a bar fight gone wrong. However sometimes I like to be a little fun so I think of things, obscure sects of humanity, that obviously have their own share of casualties but may not get the front running on screen. The sort of communities like the “little people” of “A Little Murder” or the “Furries” of “Fur and Loathing.” So you’ll sometimes see some really abstract murders and motives.
Well I don’t think that you guys could possibly have any more stamina for reading this so I’m going to cut it out and move on to the critique part of this. Sorry for saying so much, I guess I had a lot more to say about the issue than I thought. Weird considering that I really chose this TQ in hopes that I would personally learn something. Not that I don’t do so frequently. (Yay for being in charge and using your powers for corrupt, albeit interesting, reasons.)
Critique-
I know that you’ve really only been with us a couple of weeks Marymagdalen but I am really glad that you’re here. Your fic was wonderful and I loved it and I’m just really very glad to have you here. You’re a wonderful contributor of both fanfics and critiques and I really hope that you stick around a while.
I’m not sure if this is a cop-out or not as a reason for loving this fic but I must say I love that it’s a multiple chapter story. We don’t get nearly enough of those coming through the FCG because of obvious time restrictions but every now and then it’s very nice to be given the opportunity to critique a longer fic.
One of the benefits of working with a multiple chapter fic is that there is almost always more suspense with them. I haven’t read very many oneshots that are heavy on the suspense factor because you have to write an entire story, or at least imply one, in a few hundred words. However in fics like this one you are given the chance to drop clues and see how many detail hounds pick up on them and review about them. You get to set information up but not pick it back up for a while. It’s just exciting for both the reader and the writer because you know that you get to really play with your story and your readers only giving as much information as you might feel like. So like I said a long time ago it might just be the masochist in me but I just love it when the writers can do stuff like that to me. So... brava on making this a longer story.
There were a few grammatical errors. Not that we don’t say that with every single fic. I mean, we do. So maybe I’ll just pick on something else. I really didn’t enjoy the fact that poor little Jamie died. I never like it when children die in fics (not that I haven’t killed them, so I guess that makes me a hypocrite) I just wish that he didn’t have to. I’m sure that it’s important to your plot... then I suppose I can forgive you.
The other thing that I liked, well one of the other things that I liked, was the new slant on the whole Kyle story. I think I might actually like your version of it better. I won’t go into any details in fear of spoiling it for someone but I was pretty upset with the result of it. I think that Kyle kid really should have thought long and hard about the choices he made. This version of the story is in a lot of ways more tragic that Kyle’s and I’m very sorry to see that she’s going through this. I bet she’s a strong girl though, she is H’s daughter after all. I may not care much for Horatio but I do still want him and his children to be happy, and as I said, he is a strong man and character. It’s just a shame that it took a tragedy like this one to bring the two of them together. I hope that H get’s his stuff together and realizes that sometimes there are things in life more important than your job. Not that I think this is the main issue involved here, the death of Jamie and Donna is. But...he still hasn’t told anyone, to speak of, yet. See... you’ve got me all worked up. She’s a lucky girl and I already think that I’m going to like this version of the story of H’s offspring better than the arc with Kyle. Because all that managed to do was make me very mad!
Great story so far. I know I’ll be following it to the end. I can’t wait to read more so update it soon, okay? Okay.
When writing fanfictions related to the CSI franchise how do you come up with ideas for specific cases? When you come up with the ideas, how do you write them? How do you know what evidence to have the CSI's find? How do you present it?
TQ: When I’m writing fanfics I usually rely heavily on romance or on the dynamic of all of the characters. My CSI fics don’t live up to the name “CSI” too terribly well because I don’t focus on the cases as much as I should. My fics are a lot more like the CSI of Vegas’s season 8, I worry way too much about the characters. However I always do have at least one pretty significant case in the story I’m working on at the time.
Sometimes I present a bunch of smaller cases. In my fic “Elaborate Lives” I had them working on a new case in almost every chapter. It was as though the chapters came along as episodes. I’d have dialogue as the forefront of interest in the chapter, dialogue about one thing or another, but then in the background I’d slip in some detail about the case. In one chapter in particular I had the entire team, including my OC, called to a scene. It was the mass murder of an entire family. Well I slipped snippets of “Nick noticed a print on the door frame and leaned down to collect it.” and “Greg was about to step outside for some air and a little sanctuary from the massive blood bath he was working in when he noticed something strange, there was a key sitting on the window frame next to the front door.” But that was all mixed in to a very heavy romance scene between Warrick and Catherine. It was actually pretty cute the way I did it. Even if it was all mixed in to a crime scene.
The point is that I frequently don’t rely too heavily on the crime solving aspect of CSI because I’m not too good at writing a dramatic murder and then walking the investigators all the way through the solving process. That was actually part of my ulterior motive for selecting this as my TQ. I was hoping to learn a bit from everyone.
However from time to time I do write a fic or two that focus heavily on a certain crime. I’ll spend the entire time writing the fic dabbling and out of certain bits of evidence. Like I said I rely almost solely on the personal dynamic to tell my stories but I’d feel blasphemous if I didn’t include a little crime here or there. I rely on the personal aspect because I feel like I’m good at it. The decade I spent doing theatre taught me a lot about characterization and I am quite prone to believing that I have a pretty firm grasp on my characters, so I show it off a little.
Back to the point of a central case though. I’d start out with the idea, basically, that there was a case or something that they just couldn’t solve for whatever reason. I don’t know why I think I’m going to be so much better at writing a case that stumps the CSI’s than a run of the mill “trick roll” or something like that, but I guess I just live for a challenge, ya know? But I still do it to myself. In my current project fic, “Things Fall Apart” (I had it featured once long while back) I have most of the focus relying on discovering all of the details of a specific murder. This is one time, however, that I have a lot of the information that I’m going to deliver planned out. I think the two biggest things that helped me decide what to use (which I won’t reveal because the fic hasn’t been finished yet) were sitting down and having someone talk it through with me and having a good sense of back story.
Deciding who is going to sit down and talk it out with you can be hard though. I have a few CSI fanfic writing friends who have some very distinct qualities. One is very prone to empathy and tends to think through every detail of a fanfic from the emotional perception of the characters involved. That’s a great and helpful thing sometimes, but other times it takes me weeks to put out a chapter because we can’t agree on how mean I should or shouldn’t be. Another friend I have is absolutely cruel with her characters. The things she comes up with and the suggestions she makes sometimes make me marvel at her ability to think up scenarios for CSI. Honestly I often wish I could find a way to pitch one of her plots to the writers. She’s amazing, and very detailed. She’s the person I most enjoy going to for advice on how to work out cases and stuff like that.
As for the usefulness of back story. I was taught that you don’t just want to know what’s important “right now” in the character’s life, but all of the important things. What was their first kiss like? Do they have any brothers and/or sisters? Were they a happy child? Do they have a dog? Is there mother pretty? And though when I was 11 the first time I had to do a project involving “complex characterization and back story” I thought it was absurd, I can’t say that I still have the same sentiment. Anyone who has ever even thought about embarking on a co-authored fic with me realizes really quickly that I’m so sickeningly detail oriented with my characterization that it drives them a little nuts. That’s why I love writing with Bauerfreak so much (and because she’s an awesome author, read her stuff) because she puts up with my stopping every ten minutes to question the person’s “motive” for saying or doing what they did. This kind of attention to character can only help me when I’m writing a murder. I may not be good at dropping fibers, hairs, or fingerprints but I am a pro when it comes to the reason for the crime. That helps, knowing so much about the character, to figure out what kinds of things they might leave behind. As Grissom says “they always leave a part of them behind.”
I realize that I just wrote all of that and I haven’t even begun to address the other part of the question. How do I decide on the cases? Well I guess I covered it a bit in the above paragraph but I’ll go into it a little more. Usually the cases I choose are either generic run of the mill “cases” like the ones that you’ll see every day on CSI. Like a jealous wife, spurned lover, competitive college student, or uh... a bar fight gone wrong. However sometimes I like to be a little fun so I think of things, obscure sects of humanity, that obviously have their own share of casualties but may not get the front running on screen. The sort of communities like the “little people” of “A Little Murder” or the “Furries” of “Fur and Loathing.” So you’ll sometimes see some really abstract murders and motives.
Well I don’t think that you guys could possibly have any more stamina for reading this so I’m going to cut it out and move on to the critique part of this. Sorry for saying so much, I guess I had a lot more to say about the issue than I thought. Weird considering that I really chose this TQ in hopes that I would personally learn something. Not that I don’t do so frequently. (Yay for being in charge and using your powers for corrupt, albeit interesting, reasons.)
Critique-
I know that you’ve really only been with us a couple of weeks Marymagdalen but I am really glad that you’re here. Your fic was wonderful and I loved it and I’m just really very glad to have you here. You’re a wonderful contributor of both fanfics and critiques and I really hope that you stick around a while.
I’m not sure if this is a cop-out or not as a reason for loving this fic but I must say I love that it’s a multiple chapter story. We don’t get nearly enough of those coming through the FCG because of obvious time restrictions but every now and then it’s very nice to be given the opportunity to critique a longer fic.
One of the benefits of working with a multiple chapter fic is that there is almost always more suspense with them. I haven’t read very many oneshots that are heavy on the suspense factor because you have to write an entire story, or at least imply one, in a few hundred words. However in fics like this one you are given the chance to drop clues and see how many detail hounds pick up on them and review about them. You get to set information up but not pick it back up for a while. It’s just exciting for both the reader and the writer because you know that you get to really play with your story and your readers only giving as much information as you might feel like. So like I said a long time ago it might just be the masochist in me but I just love it when the writers can do stuff like that to me. So... brava on making this a longer story.
There were a few grammatical errors. Not that we don’t say that with every single fic. I mean, we do. So maybe I’ll just pick on something else. I really didn’t enjoy the fact that poor little Jamie died. I never like it when children die in fics (not that I haven’t killed them, so I guess that makes me a hypocrite) I just wish that he didn’t have to. I’m sure that it’s important to your plot... then I suppose I can forgive you.
The other thing that I liked, well one of the other things that I liked, was the new slant on the whole Kyle story. I think I might actually like your version of it better. I won’t go into any details in fear of spoiling it for someone but I was pretty upset with the result of it. I think that Kyle kid really should have thought long and hard about the choices he made. This version of the story is in a lot of ways more tragic that Kyle’s and I’m very sorry to see that she’s going through this. I bet she’s a strong girl though, she is H’s daughter after all. I may not care much for Horatio but I do still want him and his children to be happy, and as I said, he is a strong man and character. It’s just a shame that it took a tragedy like this one to bring the two of them together. I hope that H get’s his stuff together and realizes that sometimes there are things in life more important than your job. Not that I think this is the main issue involved here, the death of Jamie and Donna is. But...he still hasn’t told anyone, to speak of, yet. See... you’ve got me all worked up. She’s a lucky girl and I already think that I’m going to like this version of the story of H’s offspring better than the arc with Kyle. Because all that managed to do was make me very mad!
Great story so far. I know I’ll be following it to the end. I can’t wait to read more so update it soon, okay? Okay.
adorelo
CSI Level Two
TQ: When writing fanfictions related to the CSI franchise, how do you come up with ideas for specific cases? When you come up with the ideas, how do you write them? How do you know what evidence to have the CSI's find? How do you present it?
TQ: I actually come up with the majority of my cases from real life ones. My aunt works for the government and tells me a lot about the cases she has worked and the criminals she has interviewed. I take the bare skeletons of these cases and pad them out with my own ideas and information so they are not strictly true, but are based in fact which, I feel, makes them more interesting.
Once I have my ideas, I do a plan. Call me silly, but I’ll sit down and write a brief story from the killer/criminals point of view about how he/she committed the crime and the actions he/she took. Then I focus on the psychology of it. I profile my own characters. Why did they do it, what it the motive behind it, what drives them. According to statistics, who are they most likely to be, what is their IQ, how do they interact with others. I really go overboard, even if I don’t use the information I come up with, I have the understanding to allow me to produce realistic killers and cases (I hope) which makes them interesting and enjoyable to read (again, I hope).
The evidence if found where I place it. I’ll sketch brief crime scenes and highlight places where the evidence will be, it’s something I picked up from my aunt and I d it without even thinking about it now. I may not always draw even, but I’ll envisage the scene before writing down where the evidence is. I never make it easy though; there is always a dead end and a revisit to old evidence with ‘fresh eyes’.
I’ve written several case stories, but I’ve only posted a few. My cases never are just about the case. I tend to write the case as the driving point for the romance. The thing that stops their conversations mid flow with new evidence, and the impetus for arguing and misunderstandings. I find the undertones of the case makes the romance all the more realistic, as it’s not just *plop* romance, it’s something to have to work for.
Critique: I’m gonna do this chapter by chapter because, well, I rock.
Chapter one: Excellent beginning, opening paragraph drew the reader in, and caught their attention. It was a lot like a real episode, pauses in the right places, the team arriving just after she sees the body. I was waiting for the episode credits, it reminded me of a real case :lol:. Well done on a great opening, it’s the most important part of a story (along with the climax and ending).
Chapter two: Your OC’s were very well established, I empathized with Maura, and really felt Horatio’s concern for her, so great work there. She seemed like a real victim, not forced like I’ve seen others be. Horatio’s voice in this chapter sounded so real. I could hear every word you had him say. I also like your use of suspense, through all the chapters in face, it really made the story work and flow together well.
Chapter three: I really felt for Elliot in this scene, though I think you could have focused a little more of her relationship with her teacher. Maybe you could have interviewed her, or at lease had H talking directly to her. As teachers are usually one of the first people to notice child abuse, and the fist to raise the alarm, spending time with her could have really brought out a lot of emotion in this moment. It would have made Elliot’s pain more real, and the worry or the people around her more pronounced.
Chapter four: Excellent. I love the interview of Elliot, and Calleigh and Frank’s reactions were so real, the subtle glances to each other and Frank looking away, Calleigh’s sigh of worry and Elliot’s dizziness really made the moment come to life. Only thing I noticed was a slight slip in the viewpoint. You said “Calleigh was worried” rather than she ‘seemed’ worried, which would have kept Horatio’s viewpoint.
Chapter five: I think you’ve done a great job with Elliot, I’ve seen her develop and I think she’s more substantial than some people’s representations of the canon characters. She’s very strong and 3-D. I felt her pain and vulnerability. Speaking of vulnerability, I like your version of Horatio much better then the one we’ve been seeing on the show. I forget he feels. You reminded me he is human and does have a heart; I’ll carry that view onto the show with me. Only thing wrong is, again, the viewpoint. You told a lot of this chapter from her point of view, which seemed out of place to me as the rest was Horatio’s. If you would have kept it all from Horatio’s, maybe his take on her actions, it would have worked better. Then again, you could have split it into sections and told a little from Elliot’s view, but then you’d have had to do that before, not just for one part or it would seem out of place.
Chapter six: Wonderful ending! Good emotions and feeling behind in. However, it could have been longer, more drawn out to really get the full impact of what you’ve said. I liked it though, and I’ll be keeping an eye out for your update.
Spelling/grammar: Like I said in my review. I noticed only a few errors which, in a six chapter story, it a great achievement. Well done.
I’ll watch out for you, okay!
Oh, and welcome to the goup honey, I hope you have fun here!
Jodie x
TQ: I actually come up with the majority of my cases from real life ones. My aunt works for the government and tells me a lot about the cases she has worked and the criminals she has interviewed. I take the bare skeletons of these cases and pad them out with my own ideas and information so they are not strictly true, but are based in fact which, I feel, makes them more interesting.
Once I have my ideas, I do a plan. Call me silly, but I’ll sit down and write a brief story from the killer/criminals point of view about how he/she committed the crime and the actions he/she took. Then I focus on the psychology of it. I profile my own characters. Why did they do it, what it the motive behind it, what drives them. According to statistics, who are they most likely to be, what is their IQ, how do they interact with others. I really go overboard, even if I don’t use the information I come up with, I have the understanding to allow me to produce realistic killers and cases (I hope) which makes them interesting and enjoyable to read (again, I hope).
The evidence if found where I place it. I’ll sketch brief crime scenes and highlight places where the evidence will be, it’s something I picked up from my aunt and I d it without even thinking about it now. I may not always draw even, but I’ll envisage the scene before writing down where the evidence is. I never make it easy though; there is always a dead end and a revisit to old evidence with ‘fresh eyes’.
I’ve written several case stories, but I’ve only posted a few. My cases never are just about the case. I tend to write the case as the driving point for the romance. The thing that stops their conversations mid flow with new evidence, and the impetus for arguing and misunderstandings. I find the undertones of the case makes the romance all the more realistic, as it’s not just *plop* romance, it’s something to have to work for.
Critique: I’m gonna do this chapter by chapter because, well, I rock.
Chapter one: Excellent beginning, opening paragraph drew the reader in, and caught their attention. It was a lot like a real episode, pauses in the right places, the team arriving just after she sees the body. I was waiting for the episode credits, it reminded me of a real case :lol:. Well done on a great opening, it’s the most important part of a story (along with the climax and ending).
Chapter two: Your OC’s were very well established, I empathized with Maura, and really felt Horatio’s concern for her, so great work there. She seemed like a real victim, not forced like I’ve seen others be. Horatio’s voice in this chapter sounded so real. I could hear every word you had him say. I also like your use of suspense, through all the chapters in face, it really made the story work and flow together well.
Chapter three: I really felt for Elliot in this scene, though I think you could have focused a little more of her relationship with her teacher. Maybe you could have interviewed her, or at lease had H talking directly to her. As teachers are usually one of the first people to notice child abuse, and the fist to raise the alarm, spending time with her could have really brought out a lot of emotion in this moment. It would have made Elliot’s pain more real, and the worry or the people around her more pronounced.
Chapter four: Excellent. I love the interview of Elliot, and Calleigh and Frank’s reactions were so real, the subtle glances to each other and Frank looking away, Calleigh’s sigh of worry and Elliot’s dizziness really made the moment come to life. Only thing I noticed was a slight slip in the viewpoint. You said “Calleigh was worried” rather than she ‘seemed’ worried, which would have kept Horatio’s viewpoint.
Chapter five: I think you’ve done a great job with Elliot, I’ve seen her develop and I think she’s more substantial than some people’s representations of the canon characters. She’s very strong and 3-D. I felt her pain and vulnerability. Speaking of vulnerability, I like your version of Horatio much better then the one we’ve been seeing on the show. I forget he feels. You reminded me he is human and does have a heart; I’ll carry that view onto the show with me. Only thing wrong is, again, the viewpoint. You told a lot of this chapter from her point of view, which seemed out of place to me as the rest was Horatio’s. If you would have kept it all from Horatio’s, maybe his take on her actions, it would have worked better. Then again, you could have split it into sections and told a little from Elliot’s view, but then you’d have had to do that before, not just for one part or it would seem out of place.
Chapter six: Wonderful ending! Good emotions and feeling behind in. However, it could have been longer, more drawn out to really get the full impact of what you’ve said. I liked it though, and I’ll be keeping an eye out for your update.
Spelling/grammar: Like I said in my review. I noticed only a few errors which, in a six chapter story, it a great achievement. Well done.
I’ll watch out for you, okay!
Oh, and welcome to the goup honey, I hope you have fun here!
Jodie x
Zelda49
Rookie
Hey guys! I missed you while I've been gone! Had some health and job issues to take care of the last few weeks, and haven't been able to write or critique. But things are starting to look up again, and I'm back
TQ: When writing fanfictions related to the CSI franchise how do you come up with ideas for specific cases? When you come up with the ideas, how do you write them? How do you know what evidence to have the CSI's find? How do you present it?
This question is a tough one for me because I’ve only written one casefile ever, and it was only one component of the story. I’m not sure how exactly I came up with the idea, but I remember needing a live victim, so the crime had to be something survivable. I also needed the perpetrator to think he was brilliant but actually be quite dumb, so he had to leave behind evidence that he wouldn’t even realize he was leaving behind and dispose of everything else in a pretty obvious but still clever way. I ended up planning out the entire case—down to the last detail—before I even wrote a single line to make sure I had all my ducks in a row. It was time consuming and really tough for me since I have no experience with crime scenes at all. But it was also a great challenge—I had to really think and plan from every angle, every perspective, and do a lot of research (like reading through the Florida Penal Code for hours to find out what the charge and potential sentences would have been in that state!). When I actually wrote the case it was mixed in with a good deal of personal interaction, partly because that was the main focus of the story and partly because that is where my comfort zone as a writer lies.
Critique
Things to work on:
There is so little to mention in this part of the critique that the things I’m about to discuss are incredibly trivial First, “Mrs Thomas” needs a period after “Mrs”. Second, the abbreviation for “junior” is “jr” not “jnr”, or at least, I’ve never seen “jnr” used. And third, there were one or two places, particularly when Horatio was in the Hospital room (chapter 5 I think), where the narrator’s voice was definitely yours and not Horatio thinking to himself. It didn’t detract from the story, but I smiled while I was reading it, trying to hear H thinking those particular phrases! One other thing I noticed, perhaps because I am a teacher, is that the headmistress of Elliot’s school didn’t call the police when she noticed the bruises on the girl repeatedly. Educators are mandatory reporters, and so if we have any reason at all to suspect abuse we are required to notify the authorities.
Things that were good:
So many things about this piece were good that I don’t know where to start! I have such a hard time believe this was your first fic—your style is so easy to read, so straightforward, I just breezed through the story and was shocked when I got to the end and realized I had read all six chapters. Your grammar and spelling, your sentence structure are all marvelous, which, again, makes the piece effortless to read. Your characterizations were good, and I liked the way you developed your original characters. They seemed very real to me, very human. And Elliot’s reactions and thoughts were spot on, too, hitting pretty close to home for me. I actually got goosebumps at one point because you painted the picture so clearly I could see it in my mind, and compared it to my own childhood. Great, great job! I can’t wait for part 2!!
TQ: When writing fanfictions related to the CSI franchise how do you come up with ideas for specific cases? When you come up with the ideas, how do you write them? How do you know what evidence to have the CSI's find? How do you present it?
This question is a tough one for me because I’ve only written one casefile ever, and it was only one component of the story. I’m not sure how exactly I came up with the idea, but I remember needing a live victim, so the crime had to be something survivable. I also needed the perpetrator to think he was brilliant but actually be quite dumb, so he had to leave behind evidence that he wouldn’t even realize he was leaving behind and dispose of everything else in a pretty obvious but still clever way. I ended up planning out the entire case—down to the last detail—before I even wrote a single line to make sure I had all my ducks in a row. It was time consuming and really tough for me since I have no experience with crime scenes at all. But it was also a great challenge—I had to really think and plan from every angle, every perspective, and do a lot of research (like reading through the Florida Penal Code for hours to find out what the charge and potential sentences would have been in that state!). When I actually wrote the case it was mixed in with a good deal of personal interaction, partly because that was the main focus of the story and partly because that is where my comfort zone as a writer lies.
Critique
Things to work on:
There is so little to mention in this part of the critique that the things I’m about to discuss are incredibly trivial
First, “Mrs Thomas” needs a period after “Mrs”. Second, the abbreviation for “junior” is “jr” not “jnr”, or at least, I’ve never seen “jnr” used. And third, there were one or two places, particularly when Horatio was in the Hospital room (chapter 5 I think), where the narrator’s voice was definitely yours and not Horatio thinking to himself. It didn’t detract from the story, but I smiled while I was reading it, trying to hear H thinking those particular phrases! One other thing I noticed, perhaps because I am a teacher, is that the headmistress of Elliot’s school didn’t call the police when she noticed the bruises on the girl repeatedly. Educators are mandatory reporters, and so if we have any reason at all to suspect abuse we are required to notify the authorities.Things that were good:
So many things about this piece were good that I don’t know where to start! I have such a hard time believe this was your first fic—your style is so easy to read, so straightforward, I just breezed through the story and was shocked when I got to the end and realized I had read all six chapters. Your grammar and spelling, your sentence structure are all marvelous, which, again, makes the piece effortless to read. Your characterizations were good, and I liked the way you developed your original characters. They seemed very real to me, very human. And Elliot’s reactions and thoughts were spot on, too, hitting pretty close to home for me. I actually got goosebumps at one point because you painted the picture so clearly I could see it in my mind, and compared it to my own childhood. Great, great job! I can’t wait for part 2!!
I'm sorry I missed last week and that I'm doing this on Saturday evening again this week. I will get it done earlier in the week next week, I promise. I've got to take time to actually start working on my writing again, too.
Topic Question:
When writing fanfictions related to the CSI franchise how do you come up with ideas for specific cases? When you come up with the ideas, how do you write them? How do you know what evidence to have the CSI's find? How do you present it?
I'm still working on that. So far, I've only completed one fiction and am working on another and neither really involves a case more than peripherally. I think coming up with an idea for a specific case would be much like finding inspiration for any other work of fiction. Either you're just inspired out of the blue or by something in real life, or you may have an idea for a specific situation or personal interaction you want to see happen and you build a story around that, or you specifically dig around for inspiration in some way.
Critique of Lost and Found
I was quite captivated by your fiction and read it all the way through quickly. This was a great combination of a crime-related fiction and an inter-personal relationship fiction.
Your story flowed smoothly and was obviously very well thought out in detail. The regular CSI characters were very well done and very in keeping with their personalities, and your original characters were well developed and interesting, and you made us feel with and for them. You handled the very serious subject of abuse and neglect well without getting bogged down in unnecessarily violent scenes. With something like this, it is often better to give enough to leave the exact details to the readers imagination without having flashbacks to graphic scenes of abuse.
I agree with Jodie about your depiction of Horatio. You've depicted him more the way he was in the early shows that as the writers have been depicting him lately. I liked that you wrote him with the ability to feel for other characters and to be able to use his feelings to help him think things through.
I really liked the interview scene. I liked that you showed that a 13 year old could have a level of maturity without characterizing her as bratty or overly defensive. That whole part was written so well that I could really almost see the scene taking place in my mind.
Your story was very well written. There were a couple tiny grammatical errors, but nothing major. The only thing that stood out just a smidge to me was that cell phone is two words not one.
You've written a really wonderful story and I am really hoping you do decide to do the second part that you mentioned. I'm looking forward to reading more fiction from you!
As a side note, although I haven't gone back and read all of last week's stuff entirely, I saw something where you said we'd have to put up with your English spelling because you haven't found the bit on your PC that Americanizes your spelling. I personally don't think you should try to change your spelling to American English spellings just because the shows are American. Your spelling is part of who you are and where you're from, so that shouldn't be a problem with anyone. I would suggest not using British expressions in direct quotes from characters (which you haven't done) because it would look a little peculiar to see Calleigh saying something about a bloke she works with or meeting someone at half four. Other than that, though, there's nothing wrong with British spellings!
Topic Question:
When writing fanfictions related to the CSI franchise how do you come up with ideas for specific cases? When you come up with the ideas, how do you write them? How do you know what evidence to have the CSI's find? How do you present it?
I'm still working on that. So far, I've only completed one fiction and am working on another and neither really involves a case more than peripherally. I think coming up with an idea for a specific case would be much like finding inspiration for any other work of fiction. Either you're just inspired out of the blue or by something in real life, or you may have an idea for a specific situation or personal interaction you want to see happen and you build a story around that, or you specifically dig around for inspiration in some way.
Critique of Lost and Found
I was quite captivated by your fiction and read it all the way through quickly. This was a great combination of a crime-related fiction and an inter-personal relationship fiction.
Your story flowed smoothly and was obviously very well thought out in detail. The regular CSI characters were very well done and very in keeping with their personalities, and your original characters were well developed and interesting, and you made us feel with and for them. You handled the very serious subject of abuse and neglect well without getting bogged down in unnecessarily violent scenes. With something like this, it is often better to give enough to leave the exact details to the readers imagination without having flashbacks to graphic scenes of abuse.
I agree with Jodie about your depiction of Horatio. You've depicted him more the way he was in the early shows that as the writers have been depicting him lately. I liked that you wrote him with the ability to feel for other characters and to be able to use his feelings to help him think things through.
I really liked the interview scene. I liked that you showed that a 13 year old could have a level of maturity without characterizing her as bratty or overly defensive. That whole part was written so well that I could really almost see the scene taking place in my mind.
Your story was very well written. There were a couple tiny grammatical errors, but nothing major. The only thing that stood out just a smidge to me was that cell phone is two words not one.
You've written a really wonderful story and I am really hoping you do decide to do the second part that you mentioned. I'm looking forward to reading more fiction from you!
As a side note, although I haven't gone back and read all of last week's stuff entirely, I saw something where you said we'd have to put up with your English spelling because you haven't found the bit on your PC that Americanizes your spelling. I personally don't think you should try to change your spelling to American English spellings just because the shows are American. Your spelling is part of who you are and where you're from, so that shouldn't be a problem with anyone. I would suggest not using British expressions in direct quotes from characters (which you haven't done) because it would look a little peculiar to see Calleigh saying something about a bloke she works with or meeting someone at half four. Other than that, though, there's nothing wrong with British spellings!
marymagdalen
Lab Technician
OK. Where to start?
First of all, the TQ. Coming up with ideas for cases. Well, I’ve always been one of those awkward people who’s just never satisfied with what’s in front of her! Much to my family’s annoyance, I’m always interrupting TV programmes and movies to say, “Yes, but what if...?” and “Why didn’t they just...?” I’m always interested in what the programme, or book, or whatever, is NOT telling me. For example, I’ve written a few pieces based on stories from the Bible where a character is mentioned, and their story only hinted at (mainly women, I might add!), and I’ve imagined and written their story for them – the bits that the author didn’t tell me. Something somewhere will always spark an idea, and sometimes that idea won’t leave me alone until I’ve thought it through and written it down, sometimes as a complete and meaningful piece, or as scribblings just to get it out of my system, or as notes or an outline of something bigger that I want to come back to later. Does that make sense?
As far as evidence goes, that’s a bit harder to answer as I’ve only written one (and a bit!) CSI stories, and there wasn’t much on the technical side of crime/evidence in it. I’d certainly love to be able to write some technically brilliant crime- or case-based stuff (wouldn’t we all!), but I just don’t have the know-how – and as Jennifer said, finding the time to put in the research just ain’t gonna happen in this life! I suppose if I wanted to use any “evidence”, I’d have to think of an episode where something similar happened, and make it fit what I'm working on. And I might do a bit of googling to see what came up. But on the whole, yeah, I’d just steal stuff!!! (but don’t tell anyone I said that!)
Reviews of my story – well, what can I say? Thanks guys for being so generous. I’m definitely working on the rest of this story, which will be added as additional chapters, rather than a separate story. I hope to post some soon, but I like to get the whole thing finished first, as it often changes in the process, and I have to go back and do some tweaking. Anyway, I hope to post soon, especially as I’m leaving the country for 3+ weeks very soon, and will have no laptop (sob!) and no internet access (aaargh!!) for the duration.
Just to pick up on a few things in the reviews, if I may?
LLK: you mentioned about setting out info and picking it up later. I just love to do that, either intentionally or otherwise! I like it when the show leaves things hanging – but I do get a bit frustrated when they don’t pick it up again later, like the whole thing about H killing his father, etc. (But then see my answer to the TQ – I guess that’s when I start to fill in the bits myself.) However, I have tried not to do this with my writing, and intend to resolve most if not all of the bits later. I hope! You also mentioned about Jamie dying, and is it important to the plot. Frankly, I don’t know! It just helped to use it to get across Horatio’s feelings about child victims, and maybe I was feeling a bit sadistic, I don’t know! And it might come up again later.
Jodie: you picked up on changing the POV. It actually hadn’t occurred to me, so I’ll have to be more careful in future! I had already decided that in the next few chapters the POV is going to change, alternating between Horatio and Elliot, but I’m still working on it. Let me know if it works?
And Zelda: maybe “jnr” is an English abbreviation? Or maybe I just made it up! Ooops! And the law regarding reporting of abuse is different in England, so that was just lack of research and plain good old-fashioned ignorance on my part. That, and the fact that it just never occurred to me! Maybe I should find time to do more research after all.
Spelling and grammar – I guess you get to the point where you’ve looked at the thing so often that you just don’t see it anymore. It happens when I’m writing up book manuscripts for publishing at work – I think it’s perfect, but I give it to someone else to look at and it comes back covered in red ink! I’d be interested to know my mistakes so I don't repeat them, so if you want to email me...
One or two of you suggested that I could have spent more time on, or written more about, some bits in the story. My problem is that although I've been writing for ages, it's always been for my eyes only, so often a thing can be left "unsaid" because I know it's there, but it's completely different writing for an audience. I want to put in enough detail to explain things and move the story on, but not so much that it detracts from the story or makes it boring. I guess that takes practice. How much detail should a writer go into? How do you know when to quit? How much is enough without being too much? Perhaps that’s a subject for a TQ sometime?!
Anyway, sorry, I’ve rambled on long enough. Just another thanks, folks, it’s really helpful to be part of this group. I love it!
Leni
First of all, the TQ. Coming up with ideas for cases. Well, I’ve always been one of those awkward people who’s just never satisfied with what’s in front of her! Much to my family’s annoyance, I’m always interrupting TV programmes and movies to say, “Yes, but what if...?” and “Why didn’t they just...?” I’m always interested in what the programme, or book, or whatever, is NOT telling me. For example, I’ve written a few pieces based on stories from the Bible where a character is mentioned, and their story only hinted at (mainly women, I might add!), and I’ve imagined and written their story for them – the bits that the author didn’t tell me. Something somewhere will always spark an idea, and sometimes that idea won’t leave me alone until I’ve thought it through and written it down, sometimes as a complete and meaningful piece, or as scribblings just to get it out of my system, or as notes or an outline of something bigger that I want to come back to later. Does that make sense?
As far as evidence goes, that’s a bit harder to answer as I’ve only written one (and a bit!) CSI stories, and there wasn’t much on the technical side of crime/evidence in it. I’d certainly love to be able to write some technically brilliant crime- or case-based stuff (wouldn’t we all!), but I just don’t have the know-how – and as Jennifer said, finding the time to put in the research just ain’t gonna happen in this life! I suppose if I wanted to use any “evidence”, I’d have to think of an episode where something similar happened, and make it fit what I'm working on. And I might do a bit of googling to see what came up. But on the whole, yeah, I’d just steal stuff!!! (but don’t tell anyone I said that!)
Reviews of my story – well, what can I say?
Thanks guys for being so generous. I’m definitely working on the rest of this story, which will be added as additional chapters, rather than a separate story. I hope to post some soon, but I like to get the whole thing finished first, as it often changes in the process, and I have to go back and do some tweaking. Anyway, I hope to post soon, especially as I’m leaving the country for 3+ weeks very soon, and will have no laptop (sob!) and no internet access (aaargh!!) for the duration.Just to pick up on a few things in the reviews, if I may?
LLK: you mentioned about setting out info and picking it up later. I just love to do that, either intentionally or otherwise! I like it when the show leaves things hanging – but I do get a bit frustrated when they don’t pick it up again later, like the whole thing about H killing his father, etc. (But then see my answer to the TQ – I guess that’s when I start to fill in the bits myself.) However, I have tried not to do this with my writing, and intend to resolve most if not all of the bits later. I hope! You also mentioned about Jamie dying, and is it important to the plot. Frankly, I don’t know! It just helped to use it to get across Horatio’s feelings about child victims, and maybe I was feeling a bit sadistic, I don’t know! And it might come up again later.
Jodie: you picked up on changing the POV. It actually hadn’t occurred to me, so I’ll have to be more careful in future! I had already decided that in the next few chapters the POV is going to change, alternating between Horatio and Elliot, but I’m still working on it. Let me know if it works?
And Zelda: maybe “jnr” is an English abbreviation? Or maybe I just made it up! Ooops! And the law regarding reporting of abuse is different in England, so that was just lack of research and plain good old-fashioned ignorance on my part. That, and the fact that it just never occurred to me! Maybe I should find time to do more research after all.
Spelling and grammar – I guess you get to the point where you’ve looked at the thing so often that you just don’t see it anymore. It happens when I’m writing up book manuscripts for publishing at work – I think it’s perfect, but I give it to someone else to look at and it comes back covered in red ink! I’d be interested to know my mistakes so I don't repeat them, so if you want to email me...
One or two of you suggested that I could have spent more time on, or written more about, some bits in the story. My problem is that although I've been writing for ages, it's always been for my eyes only, so often a thing can be left "unsaid" because I know it's there, but it's completely different writing for an audience. I want to put in enough detail to explain things and move the story on, but not so much that it detracts from the story or makes it boring. I guess that takes practice. How much detail should a writer go into? How do you know when to quit? How much is enough without being too much? Perhaps that’s a subject for a TQ sometime?!
Anyway, sorry, I’ve rambled on long enough. Just another thanks, folks, it’s really helpful to be part of this group. I love it!
Leni
lostladyknight
Pathologist
That's a wonderful idea for a TQ sometime and though I don't know if it's fitting for the piece I have lined up for today I'm going to keep it in mind. Sometimes I know that I go too far with my details.
Just yesterday I asked a friend why I just don't get reviews on my work at ff.net and she told me it's because my chapters are too long and take too long to publish. I mean I never mind waiting for a new chapter from a story if it's good... but maybe I need to work on being less long windded?
Anyway... detail is a tough thing to master, I think. I still haven't done it yet, for sure.
Just yesterday I asked a friend why I just don't get reviews on my work at ff.net and she told me it's because my chapters are too long and take too long to publish. I mean I never mind waiting for a new chapter from a story if it's good... but maybe I need to work on being less long windded?
Anyway... detail is a tough thing to master, I think. I still haven't done it yet, for sure.
adorelo
CSI Level Two
I agree. The only time I think it becomes a problem is if, for example, you use Brtish words in character's speech. Having Eric, for example, talking about a piece of evidence he found on the 'motorway' wouldn't be right, as the American word is 'highway/freeway'. The character would not use a different phrase to the American one, unless their heritige permits it,(Eric being Cuban, for instance).
Personally, no I don't think you should stop being so long windded. I think it's your level of description and attention to detail which makes your writing so unique (and incredibly good).
lostladyknight
Pathologist
Thanks ya dear! I never know if my stuff is good or not. I just kinda go with it and hope it's decent. Sometimes it is decent and sometimes it's just not... lol.
I, however, always enjoy when an author updates with a really long chapter. It's like "now I kno what I've been waiting for." Gah... I don't know.
I don't intend to change the formula just yet so we'll see. If the reviews just don't happen for me (which honestly, they don't) that's just something I'm going to have to deal with. I do write for my readers... but also for me.
marymagdalen
Lab Technician
lostladyknight
Pathologist
CSI Critique Fanfiction #15: CSI Miami. "The Look of Love." By: Jennifer
***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****
The Look of Love
A party is in full swing at my house as I head inside from the patio to get shrimp for the grill skewers. It isn’t often that Calleigh and I host parties at our house, but we…I mean all of us from the day shift…needed a fun diversion. The summer had been brutal. Not only had it been especially hot and humid, breaking temperature records on an almost daily basis, but there had also been a marked increase in homicides…very violent homicides. No doubt the heat was affecting some much worse than others. Labor Day seemed to be a good day for a backyard barbeque, complete with a refreshing dip in our pool. Besides, in the coming months, Calleigh and I would be far too busy and no doubt too tired to even think about having a party.
I grabbed a container of shrimp from the refrigerator and head back toward the patio doors when I spotted Natalia standing in the living room, seemingly staring at nothing. Moving into the room I noticed she was staring at a picture of me and Calleigh taken just a couple months ago. Of all the pictures taken of the two of us, this one was my favorite. It wasn’t a posed picture taken in a studio with the two of us sitting side by side, or her in front of me. This one was more natural looking, taken at the beach, with the two of us sitting in the sand amongst the marsh grasses, with the ocean behind us. We were wearing matching khaki pants and white button down shirts, save the matching beige tank top Calleigh wore under hers. In the picture I was sitting with my right leg outstretched, my right arm resting on my bent knee, my left leg was curled in front of me. My beautiful wife sat turned toward me in front of my outstretched leg, with her legs curled underneath her. Her long blonde hair flowed over her shoulder, moving with the slight breeze that blew, and the most beautiful smile graced her face.
Natalia didn’t seem to notice that I’d stepped into the room. She stood looking at the picture with her head cocked to the side, as if studying something about it. I called out to her softly, not wanting to startle her, but she jumped visibly anyway.
“Eric!” she exclaimed, pressing her hand to her heart, as if to slow down an increased heart rate. “I swear you like creeping up on people!”
“Sorry, Nat,” I tell her. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”
“S’okay.” She pointed toward the picture. “I saw this picture of you and Calleigh and it just…,” she trails off, as if looking for the right words to say.
“Just…what?”
“I couldn’t take my eyes off it.” She looked at me, then back at the picture. “You see,” she starts again, “the picture itself is pretty standard for Miami. I mean, it was taken at the beach. But what really struck me about the picture is the look in your and Calleigh’s eyes…the way you’re looking at each other.” She shook her head slightly. “I have never seen a picture of two people so obviously, deeply, in love with each other. You can see it in your eyes…it’s written so clearly on your faces.”
I smiled, knowing exactly what she was talking about. It was part of what made this one picture my favorite. The morning the picture was taken, Calleigh told me in a most provocative way that I was going to be a father. Our only commitment that day was the photo shoot just before lunch, so we had plenty of time to enjoy each other…and enjoy we did. The mere recollection of that morning made me smile. We’d started out the morning by making love slowly, taking our time with each other. Just as the need for completion was about to overtake us, she took my hands and placed them on her belly, and softly told me that she was pregnant. To say I was surprised and excited would be putting it mildly. Our lovemaking at that point took on a more profound feeling of love and connection, and completion was reached while our lips were locked in an intense all-consuming heartfelt kiss.
So when the picture was taken there was nothing but pure unadulterated love for each other shining in our eyes.
I shook myself from the memory and turned to Natalia, and saw the wistful look on her face. I knew the look had nothing to do with our previous relationship years ago, we were long over that. So I prodded her. “Nat…what is it?”
She turned her head and looked momentarily out the patio doors. I followed her gaze to where Ryan stood at the grill, trying to impress Calleigh with his charcoal lighting skills. She sighed and continued, “You see, you and Calleigh have this amazing connection. I’ve seen the way you are with each other, and it’s not just the way you look at each other,” she said as she nodded toward the picture. “But it’s also how you are with each other. I’ve seen you so upset you were ready to spit nails, and all it took was a touch from Calleigh to calm you. And last month when she came out of that meeting with Stetler, she was so agitated, scowling at anyone and everyone she came into contact with…that is until you walked up to her and put your arms around her…and it was like night and day the way she just seemed to calm down instantly.”
I smiled at her words, she was absolutely correct. Calleigh certainly had a way of bringing a sense of calm to me, and likewise. It had always been that way between us.
“You two also seem to know what the other is thinking, without having to talk. God, you even finish each other’s sentences when you do talk! I can’t count the number of times I’ve walked into the lab and found you both having a conversation about the evidence in a case without saying ten words!”
Again she looked toward the patio, that wistful look back on her face. And then it dawned on me what she was trying to say. “Is that why you haven’t moved forward in a relationship with Wolfe?”
Natalia shrugged. “Yeah, kind of. I mean, he’s fun and I like him…but…but I want a relationship like the one you and Calleigh have.”
I think she realized the plaintive tone in her voice because she softened a little before continuing.
“I want someone that can calm me simply with a touch. I want someone that will finish my sentences, someone I can communicate with, without actually talking, someone that will look at me…like you look at Calleigh,” she ended with a whisper.
“Some day you will have someone that will do all that, Natalia,” I tell her, conviction clearly evident in my tone. “I firmly believe that there is that one true love out there for everyone, sometimes you just have to wait.” She had this look of shock on her face. “What?” I asked, chuckling.
“It’s just that I never thought I’d hear something like that come from you.”
“Natalia…why do you think I never made a commitment with any of the women I dated before Calleigh? I never felt that connection with anyone else. I knew right away I loved her, and she knew she loved me…it just took a while to convince her that we could make our relationship work both at home, and at work. One day, Natalia…you’ll have that, even if…” I stopped and turned toward the patio doors, anticipating.
Moments later the patio doors opened and Calleigh came toward us. “There you are,” she drawled in her soft southern accent. “I was getting hungry,” she said, rubbing her softly rounded stomach.
Once again she took my breath away. She was beautiful to me on so many levels, but carrying our baby she was utterly breathtaking. I might need to keep an oxygen tank nearby as her pregnancy progresses. “You’re always hungry,” I tell her as I wrap my free arm around her and press a kiss to her lips.
“Can’t help it,” she smiled winningly and grabbed the shrimp container from my hands. “Besides, Valera’s hungry too. She threatened to grill the shrimp herself…”
“If I don’t get out there with that,” I finish, gesturing toward the container of shrimp.
“Yeah,” she said, and with a wink turned to head for the patio. Her voice trailed behind her, “Or we could let Horatio’s legendary culinary skills do the job for us.”
I looked at Natalia, Natalia looked at me. “Oh no,” I declared, “not H! His idea of cooking is pressing the buttons on a microwave oven.”
“Oh God,” Natalia said grabbing my arm and rushing me to the patio doors. “I refuse to eat microwaved shrimp!”
***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****
TQ:How much detail should a writer go into? How do you know when to quit? How much is enough without being too much?
(Thanks to marymagdalen for the TQ this week!)
***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****
Thank you everyone for participating this week! It was a great turn out!
I know that I went WAY TOO FAR with my TQ but it's gravy... who cares if it was 2 pages long?!?
Please keep in mind that this stroy will only be featured until this coming Saturday. The next story will be featured on Sunday, February 3, 2008.
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The Look of Love
A party is in full swing at my house as I head inside from the patio to get shrimp for the grill skewers. It isn’t often that Calleigh and I host parties at our house, but we…I mean all of us from the day shift…needed a fun diversion. The summer had been brutal. Not only had it been especially hot and humid, breaking temperature records on an almost daily basis, but there had also been a marked increase in homicides…very violent homicides. No doubt the heat was affecting some much worse than others. Labor Day seemed to be a good day for a backyard barbeque, complete with a refreshing dip in our pool. Besides, in the coming months, Calleigh and I would be far too busy and no doubt too tired to even think about having a party.
I grabbed a container of shrimp from the refrigerator and head back toward the patio doors when I spotted Natalia standing in the living room, seemingly staring at nothing. Moving into the room I noticed she was staring at a picture of me and Calleigh taken just a couple months ago. Of all the pictures taken of the two of us, this one was my favorite. It wasn’t a posed picture taken in a studio with the two of us sitting side by side, or her in front of me. This one was more natural looking, taken at the beach, with the two of us sitting in the sand amongst the marsh grasses, with the ocean behind us. We were wearing matching khaki pants and white button down shirts, save the matching beige tank top Calleigh wore under hers. In the picture I was sitting with my right leg outstretched, my right arm resting on my bent knee, my left leg was curled in front of me. My beautiful wife sat turned toward me in front of my outstretched leg, with her legs curled underneath her. Her long blonde hair flowed over her shoulder, moving with the slight breeze that blew, and the most beautiful smile graced her face.
Natalia didn’t seem to notice that I’d stepped into the room. She stood looking at the picture with her head cocked to the side, as if studying something about it. I called out to her softly, not wanting to startle her, but she jumped visibly anyway.
“Eric!” she exclaimed, pressing her hand to her heart, as if to slow down an increased heart rate. “I swear you like creeping up on people!”
“Sorry, Nat,” I tell her. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”
“S’okay.” She pointed toward the picture. “I saw this picture of you and Calleigh and it just…,” she trails off, as if looking for the right words to say.
“Just…what?”
“I couldn’t take my eyes off it.” She looked at me, then back at the picture. “You see,” she starts again, “the picture itself is pretty standard for Miami. I mean, it was taken at the beach. But what really struck me about the picture is the look in your and Calleigh’s eyes…the way you’re looking at each other.” She shook her head slightly. “I have never seen a picture of two people so obviously, deeply, in love with each other. You can see it in your eyes…it’s written so clearly on your faces.”
I smiled, knowing exactly what she was talking about. It was part of what made this one picture my favorite. The morning the picture was taken, Calleigh told me in a most provocative way that I was going to be a father. Our only commitment that day was the photo shoot just before lunch, so we had plenty of time to enjoy each other…and enjoy we did. The mere recollection of that morning made me smile. We’d started out the morning by making love slowly, taking our time with each other. Just as the need for completion was about to overtake us, she took my hands and placed them on her belly, and softly told me that she was pregnant. To say I was surprised and excited would be putting it mildly. Our lovemaking at that point took on a more profound feeling of love and connection, and completion was reached while our lips were locked in an intense all-consuming heartfelt kiss.
So when the picture was taken there was nothing but pure unadulterated love for each other shining in our eyes.
I shook myself from the memory and turned to Natalia, and saw the wistful look on her face. I knew the look had nothing to do with our previous relationship years ago, we were long over that. So I prodded her. “Nat…what is it?”
She turned her head and looked momentarily out the patio doors. I followed her gaze to where Ryan stood at the grill, trying to impress Calleigh with his charcoal lighting skills. She sighed and continued, “You see, you and Calleigh have this amazing connection. I’ve seen the way you are with each other, and it’s not just the way you look at each other,” she said as she nodded toward the picture. “But it’s also how you are with each other. I’ve seen you so upset you were ready to spit nails, and all it took was a touch from Calleigh to calm you. And last month when she came out of that meeting with Stetler, she was so agitated, scowling at anyone and everyone she came into contact with…that is until you walked up to her and put your arms around her…and it was like night and day the way she just seemed to calm down instantly.”
I smiled at her words, she was absolutely correct. Calleigh certainly had a way of bringing a sense of calm to me, and likewise. It had always been that way between us.
“You two also seem to know what the other is thinking, without having to talk. God, you even finish each other’s sentences when you do talk! I can’t count the number of times I’ve walked into the lab and found you both having a conversation about the evidence in a case without saying ten words!”
Again she looked toward the patio, that wistful look back on her face. And then it dawned on me what she was trying to say. “Is that why you haven’t moved forward in a relationship with Wolfe?”
Natalia shrugged. “Yeah, kind of. I mean, he’s fun and I like him…but…but I want a relationship like the one you and Calleigh have.”
I think she realized the plaintive tone in her voice because she softened a little before continuing.
“I want someone that can calm me simply with a touch. I want someone that will finish my sentences, someone I can communicate with, without actually talking, someone that will look at me…like you look at Calleigh,” she ended with a whisper.
“Some day you will have someone that will do all that, Natalia,” I tell her, conviction clearly evident in my tone. “I firmly believe that there is that one true love out there for everyone, sometimes you just have to wait.” She had this look of shock on her face. “What?” I asked, chuckling.
“It’s just that I never thought I’d hear something like that come from you.”
“Natalia…why do you think I never made a commitment with any of the women I dated before Calleigh? I never felt that connection with anyone else. I knew right away I loved her, and she knew she loved me…it just took a while to convince her that we could make our relationship work both at home, and at work. One day, Natalia…you’ll have that, even if…” I stopped and turned toward the patio doors, anticipating.
Moments later the patio doors opened and Calleigh came toward us. “There you are,” she drawled in her soft southern accent. “I was getting hungry,” she said, rubbing her softly rounded stomach.
Once again she took my breath away. She was beautiful to me on so many levels, but carrying our baby she was utterly breathtaking. I might need to keep an oxygen tank nearby as her pregnancy progresses. “You’re always hungry,” I tell her as I wrap my free arm around her and press a kiss to her lips.
“Can’t help it,” she smiled winningly and grabbed the shrimp container from my hands. “Besides, Valera’s hungry too. She threatened to grill the shrimp herself…”
“If I don’t get out there with that,” I finish, gesturing toward the container of shrimp.
“Yeah,” she said, and with a wink turned to head for the patio. Her voice trailed behind her, “Or we could let Horatio’s legendary culinary skills do the job for us.”
I looked at Natalia, Natalia looked at me. “Oh no,” I declared, “not H! His idea of cooking is pressing the buttons on a microwave oven.”
“Oh God,” Natalia said grabbing my arm and rushing me to the patio doors. “I refuse to eat microwaved shrimp!”
***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****
TQ:How much detail should a writer go into? How do you know when to quit? How much is enough without being too much?
(Thanks to marymagdalen for the TQ this week!)
***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****
Thank you everyone for participating this week! It was a great turn out!
I know that I went WAY TOO FAR with my TQ but it's gravy... who cares if it was 2 pages long?!?
Please keep in mind that this stroy will only be featured until this coming Saturday. The next story will be featured on Sunday, February 3, 2008.
Hello everyone!
I was asked to come over and have a look, i.e. to participate. In defence, I have to say, English is not my mother tongue, but that didn’t count with that bugging voice; so, here’s what I think, though you should not give it that much weight:
What I liked about your story is Natalia. Usually, I don’t, so that says a lot. You’ve made her human and the feelings she has as regards the relationship of Eric and Calleigh are very plausible. Most people have experienced some similar crisis and I really think you could go from there and start something on that.
One thing you did wrong … mh, difficult. I can’t point out anything grammar-wise, but you know I’d love to know the end of the sentence; “you’ll have that, even if…”. Made me wonder! I suppose it could end like “if not with Ryan”. But then, I’d love to know what you had in mind when writing it. It’s certainly frustrating not to know; like a cliffhanger.
Second thing I liked is that comment about H and the microwave. I could so identify! I can’t even warm up anything let alone grill shrimps. No one would let me anyway. *lol* So, hail H!
Additional comment: Overall I think the story is more on the angsty side. That’s not to say it’s bad, but I really felt like patting Natalia. Especially with having Eric sort of zone out the minute Cal came in. Makes me wonder what Natalia will do once they’ve left. I especially liked the ending. Leaving Natalia in the dark as to her future while contrasting it to the EC bliss. That sort of thing always works well and affects the readers deeply.
TQ: I tend to leave out a lot of detail, i.e. description, a thing that probably bugs my beta from time to time. In general, I think there are those who write a lot of detail, and those who don’t. Trying to get that balance is difficult. Jane Austen did a lot with dialogue, so I’m a fan of that. I tend to stop when my paragraph of pure description exceeds six lines. If it’s not possible plot-wise, I cut the paragraph into two. Somehow that’s easier for the reader, because he does not have this overload of text. It also helps, because you don’t lose the line so often.
Hope I did this right,
Nora
I was asked to come over and have a look, i.e. to participate. In defence, I have to say, English is not my mother tongue, but that didn’t count with that bugging voice; so, here’s what I think, though you should not give it that much weight:
What I liked about your story is Natalia. Usually, I don’t, so that says a lot. You’ve made her human and the feelings she has as regards the relationship of Eric and Calleigh are very plausible. Most people have experienced some similar crisis and I really think you could go from there and start something on that.
One thing you did wrong … mh, difficult. I can’t point out anything grammar-wise, but you know I’d love to know the end of the sentence; “you’ll have that, even if…”. Made me wonder! I suppose it could end like “if not with Ryan”. But then, I’d love to know what you had in mind when writing it. It’s certainly frustrating not to know; like a cliffhanger.
Second thing I liked is that comment about H and the microwave. I could so identify! I can’t even warm up anything let alone grill shrimps. No one would let me anyway. *lol* So, hail H!
Additional comment: Overall I think the story is more on the angsty side. That’s not to say it’s bad, but I really felt like patting Natalia. Especially with having Eric sort of zone out the minute Cal came in. Makes me wonder what Natalia will do once they’ve left. I especially liked the ending. Leaving Natalia in the dark as to her future while contrasting it to the EC bliss. That sort of thing always works well and affects the readers deeply.
TQ: I tend to leave out a lot of detail, i.e. description, a thing that probably bugs my beta from time to time. In general, I think there are those who write a lot of detail, and those who don’t. Trying to get that balance is difficult. Jane Austen did a lot with dialogue, so I’m a fan of that. I tend to stop when my paragraph of pure description exceeds six lines. If it’s not possible plot-wise, I cut the paragraph into two. Somehow that’s easier for the reader, because he does not have this overload of text. It also helps, because you don’t lose the line so often.
Hope I did this right,
Nora
Zelda49
Rookie
Got some extra time on my hands this week (yay!), so here's my critique...early
TQ: How much detail should a writer go into? How do you know when to quit? How much is enough without being too much?
Talk about a tough question this week! And my answer, I think it going to be kind of vague. Because for me, when I’m writing detail seems intuitive to me. There’s a fine line to walk when it comes to how much is enough, how much is too little, and how much becomes burdensome to the reader, and I generally trust my instincts to tell me when I’m on the mark. One thing I consciously do, though, is try to slip details into the story where the reader will take them in, but hopefully not be thinking about them. Things like “He rested his palms on the table and leaned forward, raising an eyebrow at her when he answered.” provide a picture for the reader but are (hopefully) unobtrusive enough that the reader isn’t processing words but picturing the scene in his/her mind. I also like to keep my vocabulary simple. That’s not to say that I don’t like to use descriptive words, but I don’t pull out the SAT words, either. I don’t want my reader to have to sit with a dictionary to get through the story (because they won’t—and neither would I), nor do I feel the need to impress people with my knowledge of words. I actually would rather my reader not even think about me because s/he is too involved in the story to give me a second thought!
Critique
Things to work on:
Well this section of my critique is going to be short, because there is so very little that I could find to improve. In fact, there was only one small issue I had with this piece, and that was the ending. While it made total sense, it just seemed a little…off, and I apologize for not being able to be more specific than that. From the time Calleigh came in looking for the shrimp something didn’t seem to flow as well as the rest of the story.
Things that were good:
Having said that, I cannot begin to tell you how much I loved this piece. It was so smooth, so easy to read, so technically well done that I didn’t even realize that I was reading. And the emotion in your words was absolutely beautiful. They way you described Eric and Calleigh together made my heart swell, and Eric’s reaction to Calleigh’s pregnancy was just gorgeous. Natalia’s fascination with the picture, too, was a little heartbreaking, and I could feel how much she wanted what Calleigh and Eric had. I even laughed aloud at the way you talked about Ryan trying to impress Calleigh at the grill because that is vintage Wolfe. You managed to capture them all perfectly—fantastic job!
TQ: How much detail should a writer go into? How do you know when to quit? How much is enough without being too much?
Talk about a tough question this week! And my answer, I think it going to be kind of vague. Because for me, when I’m writing detail seems intuitive to me. There’s a fine line to walk when it comes to how much is enough, how much is too little, and how much becomes burdensome to the reader, and I generally trust my instincts to tell me when I’m on the mark. One thing I consciously do, though, is try to slip details into the story where the reader will take them in, but hopefully not be thinking about them. Things like “He rested his palms on the table and leaned forward, raising an eyebrow at her when he answered.” provide a picture for the reader but are (hopefully) unobtrusive enough that the reader isn’t processing words but picturing the scene in his/her mind. I also like to keep my vocabulary simple. That’s not to say that I don’t like to use descriptive words, but I don’t pull out the SAT words, either. I don’t want my reader to have to sit with a dictionary to get through the story (because they won’t—and neither would I), nor do I feel the need to impress people with my knowledge of words. I actually would rather my reader not even think about me because s/he is too involved in the story to give me a second thought!
Critique
Things to work on:
Well this section of my critique is going to be short, because there is so very little that I could find to improve. In fact, there was only one small issue I had with this piece, and that was the ending. While it made total sense, it just seemed a little…off, and I apologize for not being able to be more specific than that. From the time Calleigh came in looking for the shrimp something didn’t seem to flow as well as the rest of the story.
Things that were good:
Having said that, I cannot begin to tell you how much I loved this piece. It was so smooth, so easy to read, so technically well done that I didn’t even realize that I was reading. And the emotion in your words was absolutely beautiful. They way you described Eric and Calleigh together made my heart swell, and Eric’s reaction to Calleigh’s pregnancy was just gorgeous. Natalia’s fascination with the picture, too, was a little heartbreaking, and I could feel how much she wanted what Calleigh and Eric had. I even laughed aloud at the way you talked about Ryan trying to impress Calleigh at the grill because that is vintage Wolfe. You managed to capture them all perfectly—fantastic job!