CSI: Bikini Bottom

(Shots of Bikini Bottom pass and things darken as time goes by. Nick and Haddock return, both still in costume, to the Skid Reef Motel. Bones Barracuda is at the desk, same as before, still doing the same thing--reading a comic book and smoking.)

Nick: Okay, we're back.

Warrick: And we're bearing gifts this time! (Haddock hands a CD to Bones)

Bones: Okay. A CD. Yee-haw (Sarcastic). Unless it's the Coral Reefers, I'm not interested.

Haddock: It isn't for you, numb-gills. It's for you to play on low volume once Conch is back in his hotel room and asleep.

Bones: (Eyes widen and show recognition) Ahh... the ol' subliminal while sleeping trick...

Nick: Bingo, smart guy.

Bones: What's on here anyway? Shock and awe type stuff?

Haddock: (looks at Nick and tries not to laugh) Not exactly. Let's just say it's something that if he gets it stuck in his mind, and he repeats it in the wrong place, BAD THINGS are going to happen to him, ya dig?

Bones: Oh-kay! Well, you CSI guys know the science. I'm just your toadie. If it works, will you do something about any... uh... outstanding warrants I might have...

Nick: No, but we might be nice enough to bring you a Krabby Patty from the Double-K.

Bones: (sighs) Oh well, tt's better'n nothin'... make mine without onions...

(Bones pulls up a boom box, loads the CD in the CD deck and the three of them wait and watch for signs of Conch returning to his room. Time lapse kicks in. We see working girls checking in with John Smiths, a couple of drunk homeless fish begging for spare change, Squidward comes by in his Krusty Krab uniform delivering Takeout to the guys while they wait, looking unamused. This whole process continues until...)

Haddock: Nick--check the monitor for Security Cam 3.

Nick: (looks at the small B&W Screen, sees the salt and pepper hair and the slight limp in the walk) That's gotta by Conch. We'd better duck down under the counter....

Bones: Just don't do anything nasty under the table while you're down there!

(Nick flips his fin at Bones with an ugly facial expression but Haddock pulls him under the counter as Conch enters the office.)

Conch: Evening. Here's my rent for the next week. (He plunks down some Bikini Bottom bills with the usual Scallop Shell on them)

Bones: Okay man. Room 121 is paid for the week. (rings up a receipt on the register) Here's your receipt, Mr. Smith. Have a nice day (unenthusiastically)

(Conch stalks out the door and heads back across the pool area to his room.)
 
(More time elapses... Bones has the intercom on to listen to Conch's room. We hear the TV, sounds of eating and drinking, a couple of phone calls, the toilet flushing... eventually, the sound of covers rustling and then snoring.)

Nick: Showtime?

Haddock: Showtime! (points to Bones, who hits play on the CD player and then flips the intercom to 2 way so the sound of the CD, though kept on low volue, will be broadcast into Conch's room.)

(A banjo and a calliope begin to play)

Silly Voice on CD: I'm a goofy goober, yeah! You're a goofy goober, yeah! We're all goofy goobers yeah! Goofy-goofy goober-goober yeah!!!

(The chorus repeats. Scene cuts to Conch's room. We see him sleeping, hear the Goofy Goober themesong playing softly over the intercom. The camera closes in on Conch, and we see him start to half mumble, half sing the chorus in his sleep.)
 
(Cut shots take us back to the 2nd Filing of Tentacle Acres. Gills Grunion arrives at the scene along with Greg Sandshark in tow. Both step out with their kits, duck under the yellow tape and make their way over to Sara and Bass.)

Grunion: I hear that you found an unusual new roofing tar.

Bass: Maybe it's Sam Boulabase's own personal recipie...

Grunion: Don't get ahead of the evidence, Jim. Right now, all we have are 4 dead bodies found in a field several miles from here, and blood mixed in with roofing tar that hasn't had any DNA matched to our victims.

Bass: That's the evidence. I also make a lot of use of this (points to his gut) when I try to find leads.

Greg: Other than this tar heater, have you found blood anywhere else?

Sara: We stopped here because we hadn't gone inside the construction site yet. We've called the local building inspector--wasn't too happy to be woken up--to come in and inspect the structure to make sure we can do our search safely.

Grunion: He doesn't go in without me with him. I want to make sure he doesn't tamper with any evidence.

Bass: I wouldn't be surprised if the building inspector isn't on Boulabase's payroll either.

Grunion: That's the other reason why I'm going to be there.

(As if on cue, a dark blue S.U.B. pulls up and a fish-guy in a white shirt with a City of Bikini Bottom logo on the left chest steps out, then reaches inside, grabs a hard hat and walks up to our crew)

Building Inspector: I wouldn't come out at this hour if it wasn't serious. Barney Trout, City of Bikini Bottom building inspection.

Grunion: Gills Grunion, BBPD Crime Scene Investigation. With me is Detective Jim Bass, Homicide, and my CSI team, Sara Sailfish and Greg Sandshark. (All nod or wave as Gruinon introduces them.)

Barney Trout: Well, I understand the importance of preserving evidence, but I'm sure you appreciate the need for safety, so I'll just get on in and make sure the structure is sound. (He starts to walk towards the skeletal structure of an Easter Island Head House)

Bass: One moment, Mr. Trout. Due to the need for propriety and preservation of evidence, Mr. Grunion and I will be accompanying you. Did you bring some extra hard-hats?

(Trout looks annoyed.)

Trout: Fine, have it your way. Just follow me and don't enter any area until I've cleared it.

Bass: That's fine, but we will keep you in full view and don't step or touch something that we think might be evidence either.

Trout: Fair enough.

(Trout goes back to his S.U.B., pulls out two more hard hats. Grunion and Bass adjust them to ensure proper fit and then Trout heads towards the construction site, with Bass and Grunion following closely behind him.)
 
(Barney Trout starts by carefully walking around the foundation of the house. Grunion and Bass spray Luminol and shine UV lights ahead of his feet to be sure that he's not stepping into any blood evidence. At one point, a blotch starts to glow.)

Grunion: STOP!

Trout: I see it. I'm going to move backwards.

Bass: Once you get about a yard back, you and I are going to stay put while Gruinon checks some stuff.

(Trout complies. Grunion notes a bee-line to the tar heater and starts spraying luminol towards that direction and shining his UV flashlight. He picks up more blotches.)

Grunion: (Loudly) We've got a blood trail going to the tar heater. Greg, Sara: Walk in the exact path we all took over to where we are. Then let's fan left and right to get the exact trail. The glowing blotches are faint, so someone must've tried to do some cleanup by pouring diluted bleach on this path. Look for other evidence along the line from here.

Sara: Got it, Grunion.

Greg: What are you three going to do while we try to find this trail?

Grunion: See this opening in the wall studs? We're going to go around and into the bulding and see if we can find the origin of this blood trail.
 
(Barney Trout, Grunion and Bass make their way to the front door space on the structure that will become another Easter Island Head house. Grunion sprays luminol in front of the opening and shines his UV flashlight--no glow--Barney Trout then does some grabbing and pushing on the door frame--signals it's okay. Grunion Then starts spraying luminol a few feet into the house, again, shining the UV flashlight and finds no glow.)

Trout: This is going to take half the night.

Grunion: It's the only way we can do it thoroughly and not compromise evidence.

Trout: Suit yourselves.

(The process continues as they enter the house--Grunion sprays and checks for blood about a yard ahead of where they're walking, if no sign, they move forward. Each time they reach a load bearing wall, Grunion sprays the wall, and if there's no trace of blood, Trout checks it for stability. Finally a blood trail is found leading to the opening in the studs that pointed towards the tar heater.)

Grunion: We've picked up the interior trail now.

Bass: I bet you a hundred clams that it leads to the bathroom.

Grunion: I won't shake on that, because I agree with you.

Trout: Let's keep this up so I can get some sleep tonight.

(Grunion sprays in an arc along the path, making sure to have bass and Trout carefully step over the blood trail as it winds its way to the bathroom. Grunion grabs a 2 by 4 and nudges the bathroom door open. Bass shines his Mag-lite into the doorway as Grunion does his best to spray into the room without walking in. After shining his UV light, we see the luminol enhanced blood trail getting wider as it goes to the tub. Bass uses his mag-lite again and aims at the tub.)

Bass: That tub looks clean as a whistle. Someone used A LOT of bleach to try to remove the visible blood.

Grunion: Yes, but it doesn't get rid of all of it. Shine your light towards the drain, Jim.

(Bass does so. The camera goes to extreme close-up and we see several fish scales that didn't make it down the drain.)

Bass: Looks like we have scales we can run through AFISc and CODIS.

Trout: I'm ready to sign off on the building being structurally stable so you can get on with your evidence gathering and I can get some sleep. (Trout pulls out some paperwork, checks off a few boxes, signs it, pulls off the white copy and hands it to Bass and keeps the yellow and pink copies for himself.)

Grunion: Fine. I'll lead you out so you don't disturb the trail.

Bass: I'll call in a couple of uniforms to guard the site while you, Sara and Greg process it.

(Camera pans out as Grunion leads guids Bass and Trout out of the incomplete structure)
 
(Cut scenes, more of the Skid row area of Bikini Bottom, we end up in the StarFish Hotel again. Shot of the sign with the falling Starfish dissolving into dust and then cut into the bar area. Nick Sturgeon and Haddock Brown are having a beer.)

Haddock: You think this will work?

Nick: Didn't you see that episode of "Down to Earth" where Duane was listening to Spanish tapes in his sleep and it caused his father to say "Julio's burro es mucho loco" in the middle of his soliloquy as Hamlet at the community theatre the next day?

Haddock: Sorry bud, I didn't have cable when I was a kid.

Fmr. Judge Conch: (Off camera) So, it looks like the prodigal CSI is hanging out with his "brother from another mother."

(Camera turns and shows Conch's grimacing face.)

Haddock: Why Conch, I do believe your time in jail has been developing some "street cred" for you!

Nick: Boo-yah! (the two pound fists and laugh)

Conch: Yuk it up, kid. The only reason you got off on that dead hooker case was because your boss bailed you out.

Nick: (In his best Grunion voice) Former judges lie. Evidence doesn't.

(Haddock and Nick laugh again.)

Conch: You two just don't know when a serious threat is staring you in the face, do ya? That;s fine. It'll just make it all the sweeter when it smacks you both. (He takes his fin, does a double pronged point to his eyes and then a single prong point at Haddock and Nick, then stalks off.)

Nick: Looks like too much HBO at the motel if ya ask me...
 
(Time passing cuts show sun setting over Bikini Bottom, we see Nick and Haddock in their S.U.B. when Haddock's shell phones rings.)

Haddock: This is Haddock Brown.

Grunion: (voice) Haddock. Are you and Nick busy?

Haddock: In a manner of speaking, boss. Whassup?

Grunion: If either of you get a break, please do your best to make a run by Bikini Bottom Building Supply Company, after coming by the lab to pick up a warrant. Vega will have it. We need a list of anyone who's bought roofing tar in bulk in the past 5 business days.

Haddock: Roofing tar? What's wrong? Someone's roof on fire?

Grunion: (voice) Nope. Someone's adding blood to the mix.

Haddock: Ouch! I don't want THAT on my roof. We'll help out ASAP.

(Haddock ends the call on his Shell Phone.)

Nick: Real work calls.

Haddock: Yep. Still, we need to go lean on Bones first chance we get. Make sure he's still with the program.

(Haddock cranks the engine and the S.U.B. speeds off. Camera pans out where we see a shadowy figure watching the vehicle drive off, but no face or detail is shown. )
 
(Cut scenes kick in, skyline of Bikini Bottom, close in on BBPD headquarters, then cut to the lab. We see Greg Sandshark assisting Sara Sailfish in processing a massive amount of evidence from the construction site.)

Greg: Yeesh! Did you bring the whole construction site over?

Sara: You know Grunion. The Tar Heater, the bathtub, and a couple of the wall studs are over in the Garage now!

(Greg looks over several ziploc bags and finds the one labeled "Scales.")

Greg: (Doing his best Grunion impersonation) You know, Sara... fish scales have a unique pattern of whorls and grooves on them, much like fingerprints left by human beings that live in the surface world...

Sara: (Whacks Greg on the head) That's why we have the AFISc system to maintain files of scales of known felons and missing persons!

Greg: Ow! Fine, fine, fine! Try to deny me a little fun...

(Grunion has stepped in)

Grunion: Is this a crime lab or a Punch & Judy puppet show going on here?

Greg: Uh... Crime Lab?

Grunion: That's what I thought. You two might as well put on a pot of coffee because we need to get all of this processed ASAP. Perch Perkins got a whiff of this case somehow and now it's all over the media. The Chief is about to have a conniption over this and it's up to us to crack this case.

Sara: Where's Cat been? I haven't seen her the past couple of days?

Grunion: She's been on leave--something to do with Findsey's school or something. I'm not going to bring her in unless I need another pair of fins on the case.

Sara: (sarcastically) It also might not be a good idea to bring her in given her relationship to Sam Boulabase...

Grunion: There's that, too. I need to go check on a couple of leads--call me if anything interesting turns up. (Grunion leaves the lab, leaving Greg and Sara to process the evidence)
 
(we see a time lapse run of Greg Sandshark and Sara Sailfish processing the evidence from the Crime Scene--the Tentacle Acres construction site. Scrapings are diluted, chemicals are dripped, microscope slides are made, equipment humms and purrs, printouts come onto the printer, the clock moves foward in time lapse mode as incidental music plays. We finally see the two of them sigh as they review printouts and then go out of the Lab over to Gills Grunion's office.)

Greg: We've got some conclusive evidence. First of all, the blood and the fish scales are definite matches to all four of our vics.

Sara: We're just lucky we found enough viable DNA in the blood drops from the floor. The stuff in the tar heater was so denatured none of it was usable. All we could prove was that blood was in there, just not whose. The fish scales were really better evidence than the blood.

Greg: Don't steal my thunder!

Sara: Thunder? More like gas!

Grunion: Okay. The fact that we're able to match both of them solidifies our theory that the vics were murdered at the construction site. Were there any usable scales or fin prints that didn't match the victims?

Sara: Well, that's the bad news, Grunion. No prints or scales from the perg. Whomever did it was wearing gloves. However, we did get A LOT of fibres that match those that were found on the vics but weren't so prevalent as to be the vics clothing.

Grunion: Good. IF we can find a suspect, we can match fibres to tie him to the scene. I'm going to check in with Bass and see how that's coming along.
 
(Scene cuts over to the Thug Tug--just outside the county line. Nick Sturgeon and Haddock Brown are parked in the lot in an unmarked junker, in their "incognito" outfits. Nick's keeping his eyes peeled for former Judge Conch while Haddock is taking inventory)

Nick: (while looking through binoculars) No sign of Conch yet. Let's go over the list. Bubble solution?

Haddock: (Holds up a bottle) Check.

Nick: Bubble gun?

Haddock: (holds up a bubble blowing gun) Check.

Nick: (Voice over as we see the view through the binoculars) Our UC contact has left one of the side windows open.

Haddock: All we need is Conch to show his slimy tailfin and we're good to go.

Nick: Speak of the Devilfish, here he is! (Scene cuts over to binocular view and we see that sleazy looking fish make his way across the lot.)

Haddock: We'll wait for him to get inside, our UC guy to ring us twice on the shell phone, hang up, then ring once and hang up.

Nick: And then, it's showtime!
 
(More skyline shots of Bikini Bottom. Zoom in on The Reefpart Casino. Cut away to the interior of the Casino. We see a haggard and hard-faced Steelhead Salmon fishman smoking a cigar and watching the floor from the pit like he's master of his domain. This is Salmom a/k/a Sam Boulabase.)

Pit Boss: Mr. Boulabase!

Sam Boulabase: What is it, Current?

Current: There's a lady who's asking to see you. Says it's important.

Sam Boulabase: That's what they all say. She got a name?

Current: Catfish Willows she said. Want me to show her the door, boss?

Sam Boulabase: No way. Where is she? I'll go see her.

(Current gestures towards the bar, where we see Cat sitting and having a drink, looking somewhat preoccupied. Sam approaches, with camera showing his POV)

Sam: Well, ain't you a sight for a sore Sockeye? How ya doing, Cat?

Catfish Willows: Hey Sam. (She hugs him and kisses him on the cheek) Something's come up... at work.

Sam: (Nods knowingly) So I take it this isn't a father/spawn chat then.

Cat: Not this time. Sorry, Sam.

Sam: What's the BBPD Crime Lab want with me now?

Cat: Your construction company is building the 2nd filing over in Tentacle Acres, right?

Sam: They're building a lot of stuff all over Bikini Bottom, Cat. I don't know about all of it myself because I mainly run the Reefpart and the Tailfin Casinos. My construction company is mostly ran by Ham Dorally. He sends me the books. I look 'em over with my accountant. If something's not right, I pay him a visit and it gets fixed.

Cat: By gets fixed, I hope you don't mean 4 guys get filleted and dumped with their blood getting mixed in with roofing tar.

Sam: Cat, I'm a businessman. I don't want to get mixed up in filet'o'fish carp. You knowt his.

Cat: Do I, Sam? (Cat shakes her head and leaves)
 
(We cut back to the BBPD Crime Lab. Gills Grunion has just poured himself a cup of coffee, is savoring the aroma and takes a sip when his moment of peace is interrupted.)

Squidrad Ecklie: GRUNION! What the HELL do you think you're doing in my neighborhood?!?!?!

Grunion: (Innocently) Why Squidrad, whatever do you mean?

Ecklie: You know EXACTLY what I mean, Grunion! But instead of giving the courtesy of telling me, I had to find it out in the morning papers!

Grunion: Well Squidrad, you do work the Day Shift!

Ecklie: (Sarcastically) Ha. Ha. Ha. I just bought my nice home in beautiful Tentacle Acres, away from annoying fish, sponges and non-Cephalapod life during my personal time and now you and the night shift have turned it into a free for all!

Grunion: This time, Squidrad, I can honestly say it's nothing personal and that I didn't even know you lived in Tentacle Acres. The evidence from the body dump led us to construction sites, and the 2nd Filing of Tentacle Acres was a material match. We found blood and fish scales that match the victims. All it's going to take to get the crime lab out of your neighborhood is finding suspects and getting warrants.

(Det. Jim Bass steps in and interrupts)

Bass: Grunion! We've had a break in the case. I've got something to show you.

Ecklie: Well, get on with it then!

Grunion: (Sotto voice) Anything to make your life more miserable is a pleasure to me, Squidrad. See you!

(Grunion exits the break room)

Ecklie: Thanks... uh... WAIT A MINUTE!!!
 
(Bass and Grunion head down the hall at a clipped pace.)

Bass: That talking head, Perch Perkins got wind of what went down in that field by Weenie Hut Jr's and plastered the pictures of the vics all over the news. Normally, this would be a bad thing, but we had family members and girlfriends come forward and give positive ID on all four of our vics. (They arrive at Bass' office)

Bass: (pulls out the pictures of the 4 victims) This first one is Arthur Fishley, age 36, an accountant with Boulabase construction company who was slated to be fired a couple of days after he was found dead. The second, is Johnny McScales, 21, a carpenter that did day labor for a number of construction companies, including Boulabase.

Grunion: I'm starting to see a pattern here, Jim.

Bass: Ya think? Third one is Melvin Finler, 28, an assistant manager at Bikini Bottom Building Supply Inc. He was fired 2 days before he was murdered due to some missing building supplies and inconsistencies in some accounting on his shift. Some of the inconsistent paperwork involved Boulabase Construction.

Grunion: Go on.

Bass: This last guy is Mahi Lopez, 45, a roofing contractor who's worked a number of construction jobs--most recently, the second filing of Tentacle Acres.

Grunion: Which is a Boulabase construction project as we all know. I know what you want to say next, Jim--Sam Boulabase had something to do with it.

Bass: That's what my gut is telling me.

Grunion: Unfortunately, the paperwork only goes directly to Boulabase Construction, not to Sam Boulabase directly. Until we get forensic evidence, we can't arrest him or bring him in for questioning.

Bass: Which stinks worse than a floater that's been in the sun for a couple of hours! However... let's look at the various paperwork and see if there are any common names on the stuff from Fishley and Finler, and maybe cross-check the payroll paperwork we got on Lopez and McScales.

Grunion: Any names that pop up on all 4 are ones that would be persons of interest and could lead us to the killer. Get Sara to go through the paperwork and do a little cyber-sleuthing on our 4 vics. This is a good break, and this connection should lead us to better evidence.

Bass: On it.
 
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