CSI: Bikini Bottom

(We cut over to the trace lab. We don't see Greg Sandshark as expected, instead we see Dave Codges, acting in a particularly fuss-budgety fashion a Grunion and Sara enter the lab.)

Sara: Where's Greg? I thought you were day shift? What happen, Ecklie get tired of your lips stuck to his butt?

Dave Codges: (sarcastically) Ha, ha, ha. I had a waterski date over at Goo Lagoon today, so we traded shifts. I hear Geek Sandshark is probably at the Mermaidman and Barnacle Boy Society Meeting tonight.

(Scene cuts over to the local Rec Center where the Chief Weenie in charge of MM&BBS is at the podium)

Chief Weenie: Okay, we've got good news folks! There's going to be a NEW Mermaidman and Barnacle Boy Movie out this Spring!!!

Spongebob: OH BOY!!!

Patrick: Huh! Huh! Huh! Yeah!!!

Greg Sandshark: WHOO HOO!!!

(Scene cuts back to the Trace lab.)

Grunion: We sent some samples from the mutliple homicide over for analysis. Is any of it ready?

(The laser printer starts rolling out sheets of paper.)

Codges: And that should be your results right there. (Smirks as he grabs the papers and hands them to Grunion.) Service with a smile and a good attitude, I might add. You night shifter could learn a few things from the day shift. Thank you! (Makes a waving motion to shoo Grunion and Sara out of the lab. Grunion and Sara look at eachother and then leave.)

Sara: You can see why Ecklie keeps him around.

Grunion: They're the only ones who can stand eachother. (Grunion looks at the paper as they keep walking.) We definitely have roofing tar on those victims' fins.

Sara: I'll have our contact at the courthouse pull some recent building permits and surf around for signs of recent roof repair in the area.

Grunion: Good. Keep me posted on what you find.
 
(We see Nick and Haddock in a Denali Sport Utility Boatmobile parked on a nondescript corner, wearing shades and baseball caps, doing their best to blend into their surroundings. A male fsih in another baseball cap, jeans and fairly well-worn clothes walks up to the S.U.B. and greets Nick.)

Male fish in Cap: The sun is out...

Nick: But the Kelp is slippery.

Male fish in Cap: Good to see you again, Nick. You and Haddock look like you're auditioning for a part in a bad TV Cop show like Fish Police.

Haddock: (sarcastically) Ha-ha-ha-ha, Cuda. I bet all you UC guys say that to the CSIs...

Det. Cuda: Hey, relax man! I'm on your side. I got some surveilance in on Conch for you two. (hands a manila envelope to Nick)

(Nick begins perusing the contents. We see some telephoto shots of former Judge Conch going in and out of the Skid Reef Motel--the seediest motel in Bikini Bottom.)

Det. Cuda: He's only been at the Skid Reef the last couple of days. A couple of times, he's been seen talking to some of the local lowlifes at the Thug Tug just over the county line. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to get close enough to get any details.

Nick: This is a good start, Cuda. Thanks again for putting this on your list, bro.

Cuda: Anytime. Just please, next time I have evidence sent to the lab, don't let that Sandshark kid process it. He nearly blew my cover when he saw me in line across from Weenie Hut Jr.

Haddock: I'll talk to him. Thanks again.

(Cuda slips off into a dark alley as discreetly as he came in.)
 
(Nick and Haddock drive off and go to the Krusty Krab to grab a Krabby Patty. Scene cuts to inside where the two are eating their Patties and their Coral bits and looking over more of the info Det. Cuda gave to them.)

Nick: Looks like our former Judge has been verry busy over at the Thug Tug.

Haddock: I don't know what he's up to with those guys. But whatever it is, it can't be good.

(Spongebob Squarepants is mopping the floor and stops by the guys' table.)

Spongebob: Hey! I know you two! You're both CSI's with the Bikini Bottom police department, right?

Nick: (wipes his face with a napkin) You got us. How're you doing, Spongebob?

Spongebob: Much better since my house grew back. Boy, I'm sure glad that Mr. Grunion figured out that pebble was a seed.

Haddock: Just don't forget to put out nematode poison around your foundation once a month to keep them away.

Spongebob: I'll go get some from Lou over at Barg-N-Mart after work.

(Scene cuts over to Barg-N-Mart. We see Lou, an orange and blue fish, with stubble and a sour look standing behind the counter. He suddenly grimaces.)

Lou: I've got a bad feeling I'm going to be seeing that annoying Squarepants kid after work again.

(Scene cuts back to the Krusty Krab)

Spongebob: Anyway, I couldn't help but overhear you fellows mentioning the Thug Tug. That's a pretty dangerous place. Patrick and I nearly got beaten senseless in there due to a bubble blowing incident.

Nick: You don't say?

Spongebob: Oh, but I do say. We were in the men's room and the soap dispenser went nuts. A bubble escaped and went out into the bar and the big bouncer guy saw it and they said (effecting a tough guy voice) "All bubble blowing babies will be beaten senseless by every able-bodied patron in the bar." And then, they began playing the Goofy Goober theme song. It took all of Patrick's and my willpower to not sing along.

Haddock: (looks at Nick knowingly, but then his eyes brighten) Spongebob, I think you just gave us an idea on how to handle something. Thanks, kid! (Haddock gives Spongebob a High-5)

Spongebob: No problemo, Mr. CSI guy! Well, I gotta get back to the grill. See you guys later! (Spongebob walks off)

Nick: Did you just get a really devious idea from the Squarepants kid?

Haddock: Yes, I did. I think this will not only put the kibosh on Conch's plans, but will also get him outta Bikini Bottom once and for all!
 
(Scene cuts to Gills Grunion's office. We see Gills working on the crossword in the Bikini Bottom Gazette.

Grunion: (to himself) 12 letter word for lawyer... BOTTOMFEEDER...

(Sara Sailfish enters the office)

Sara: Hey Grunion! I just got some info back from the Courthouse. There's been a bunch of new construction over at Tentacle Acres that Sam Boulabase has been devloping through his construction company.

(Grunion's face steels)

Grunion: Sam Boulabase... it figures that he might be mixed up in this somehow.

Sara: And it also figures that it'll be damned near impossible to find evidence to tie him to it.

Grunion: Don't give up before we've even gotten tail deep into this one, Sara. Tentacle acres... that's that exclusive gated community that's all Squids and doesn't let Sponges or Starfish into it.

Sara: Yep, I believe so. You going to get Ecklie in on this?

Grunion: (Gives her a look) If it weren't for the fact that this is a serious case, I'd be tempted, but no. Not at this point. See if Bass is available and head on over there.

Sara: Will do. See ya, Grunion!

(Grunion turns back to his crossword and wrinkles his brow)
 
(Scene cuts to the external security gates of Tentacle Acres. These are HUGE walls with a huge brass colored gate that has a speakerbox at the entrance to call security. Det. Bass and Sara Sailfish arrive in a BBPD cruiser and press the button on the call box.)

Squid Security Guard: (voice, sourly) Welcome to Tentacle Acres. Whadda you want?

Bass: I'm detective Jim Bass. I'm here with Sara Sailfish from the crime lab. We have a warrant to search the construction sites in your 2nd filing area.

Security Guard: (voice) Are either of you Sponges or Starfish?

Sara: No, but you might want to watch that line of questioning because the Equal Opportunity Housing Authority in Bikini Bottom might take exception to your methods.

Security Guard: (voice) Everybody's a critic... Okay... you can enter. The guard station will be to your right about 10 yards inside the wall. You two will need to show ID there and get a special pass before continuing.

(At this, the large doors open, and they drive in. As the pair pulls up to the guard station, a rather sour looking squid in a security guard's uniform walks up to Bass' cruiser.)

Tentacle Acres Guard: Okay, I need to see your badges and ID.

(Bass and Sara grab them and pass them over. The guard looks them over.)

Tentacle Acres Guard: Yep, you're the two we got on the list from the call your boss made. I'm going to put a visitor pass on your dashboard and give you two visitor pass badges. I'm also going to ride along with you to make sure you don't bother any of our residents. You're permitted by your warrant to only visit the 2nd Filing constuction site, but aren't permitted to bother the residents in the first filing. Be advised the speed limit is 10 knots and you have to yield right of way to any paddlebikes.

Bass: Anything else we need to be aware of?

TA Guard: That's all for now. (Guard places a visitor sign under the windshield wiper on Bass' cruiser and gives Visitor pass badges to Bass and Sara. He then gets into the backseat) Turn right at the first cross street and follow it all the way as it turns around to the left. Follow that street all the way down about 2 knots. You'll see a barricade gate that I'll open which will lead to the 2nd Filing construction site.

Bass: Well, you do know your directions then.

(We see the cruiser make its way around the street, giving way to other sour looking Squids riding paddlebikes, passing tons of Easter Island Head houses, a park where 4 squids are playing their clarinets in a Gazeebo, a store selling canned bread, and an interpretive dance studio. Finally, the cruiser is no longer passing anything and comes to a stop at a barricade next to a billboard that shows an unusually happy looking squid and says "Tentacle Acres 2nd Filing Opening Soon!.")

TA Guard: Here we are. Let me open the barricade and then get back in with you.

(The guard gets out of the boatmobile, and Sara and Bass give eachother a knowing look)

Bass: This guy makes Ecklie look like a warm, compassionate type by comparison.

Sara: This place has the personality of cardboard.

(The two chuckle, but stifle it when the Guard comes back to Bass' Cruiser.)
 
(Bass, Sara and the TA Guard make there way on into the construction area, Sara cranes her neck around to look at the various lots.)

Bass: Would you happen to know which of these houses has had their roofs tarred recently.

TA Guard: There were a bunch that got their roofs tarred and installed this past week over on Calamari Circle. Turn right at the next intersection, then go another couple of blocks and take the next left. Calamari Circle is a small cul de sac.

Sara: And you know what they say about cul de sacs...

TA Guard: That they're sites for murders? Yeah, I heard that. The only thing is, NOBODY'S LIVING IN THE SECOND FILING YET!

Bass: Whoa! Take it easy, pal! Maybe you need to switch to Decaf....

(Bass pulls his cruiser to a stop, and the three get out.)

Bass: It may take a while. We have to pull a bunch of samples to compare to evidence back at the lab.

TA Guard: That's fine. It's not like I have anything else to do with my time. (The guard grabs his radio, hits the button and calls back to the guard station) Yeah, this is Squidrick. Looks like BBPD and their C-S-I are going to keep me here for a while.

Voice on Radio: Maintain position with them. We'll call Squidbert in early to cover the entrance. Out.

Squidrick: Well, it looks like I'll be your shadow for however long it takes to get what you want.

(Bass and Sara look at eachohter, Sara grabs her kit out of the trunk of the cruiser and begins to check around the first house with a UV flashlight. She takes some tar scrapings, puts them in a ziploc bag and then moves on to the next house--all of them, incidentally, look like Easter Island heads with very little variation. Once again, nothing jumps out, she scrapes and then moves on to the next house. On the 5th house in the cul de sac, she finds a machine that's used to heat and melt tar. Her gloved fins open it up, she shines her UV light and blotches appear all over the surface of the tar inside.)

Sara: Bass! Check this out!

(Bass looks inside)

Bass: Good lord! This tar is mixed with piscine blood!

Sara: You think?

(Bass pulls out the yellow "POLICE LINE: DO NOT CROSS" tape and begins putting it up around the lot of the house where the tar machine was found.)

Squidrick: What're you doing? This is a construction site?

Bass: Not anymore it isn't. It's now a crime scene, which means I call the shots around here. Now go back to your guard stand and put on a pot of coffee. There's going to be a few more CSI's coming over shortly to help clear this site.

Squidrick: Fine! I'll just have to call Mr. Boulabase and let him know that the Union guys will still have to be paid even if the don't do any work while you're clearing this crime scene!

Bass: Mr. Boulabase may be the builder, but he's not above the law. Now go get us that coffee. It's going to be a long night, and I'm sure that Mr. Boulabase would like us finished by the time those teamsters show up for work tomorrow morning.

(Squidrick looks even more sour--as if that were even possible--and stalks off, talking into his radio.)

Squidrick: (Voice trails off and lowers in volume as the camera pans wide) Send Squidbert to pick me up outside the 2nd filing. And put on a fresh pot of coffee--the cheap stuff...
 
(Scene cuts through various shots around Bikini Bottom and settles on an exterior shot of the Skid Reef motel. Cut to the inside of the Motel Office where we see a slacker looking fish guy reading a Mermaidman and Barnacle Boy Comic book, drinking a can of soda pop and looking basically bored with life. Nick and Haddock come in, wearing caps, sunglasses and street clothes that make Nick look like a bad fish Eminem Clone and Haddock look like a Rasta Fish.)

Nick: Well, well, well! If it isn't Bones Barracuda, everyone's favorite toadie.

Bones Barracuda: Whaddaya you guys want? And why do you look like you both fell off the Teenage trying too hard tug?

Haddock: We're incognito, Boney. And you're going to help us.

Bones: Why the hell would I help you CSI guys?

Nick: Because, you're on parole for possession with intent to distribute Sea-Weed, and you're spending time working here at the Skid Reef, which is a known residence of a number of criminals.

Haddock: Yep. The rules against criminal association are fairly clear. Your parole officer would be interested, I'm sure.

Bones: (Looks up from his comic book) Fine. I don't want to go back to the joint. What do you want me to do? If it gets my tailfin hurt, I'm gonna sue you and the BBPD!

Nick: (Pulls out a picture of former judge Conch) You seen this fella staying here, yes?

Bones: Yep. Room 121. What about it?

Haddock: You have an intercom system that goes into the rooms here.

Bones: This place was built in the 1970s, so the answer is yes. Speakers in 121 work both ways in fact. You can hear some really nice sounds from those rooms when the working gals from The Spawning Ground are turning tricks here...

Nick: (hands Bones a card) This is my pager. Beep me when he next comes in for the night. We're going to do a little subliminal broadcast for the former judge for the next couple of nights...

(Bones looks at Nick and Haddock, grins a bit.)

Bones: Back when he was a judge, Conch sent me up for 8 months in the Big Brig when I was just barely above the legal limit for possession. Anything that does him a disservice, I'm in for.

(Haddock and Nick look at eachother and grin.)

Haddock: That's what we were counting on, Boney...
 
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