CSI: Bikini Bottom

(Scene cuts back to the residence of the Barracuda boys. We see bales of Sea-weed in plastic bags being hauled out by a couple of uniformed officers while a gloved up Nick and Haddock are going through drawers systematically.)

Nick: Finding anything interesting besides this huge aeropontic Sea-Weed grow-op?

Haddock: Not yet, bro. Do all Whitefish listen to this nasty thrash-rock?

Nick: Don't ask me, man! You know I prefer jazz and rockabilly.

(Nick opens a drawer and we see a small calibre gun inside of it.)

Nick: Haddock: you remember what Bobby Dungeness said was the murder weapon?

Haddock: Small calibre handgun, 9 mm probably.

Nick: Well, this gun isn't smoking, but we have a possible link in this case. (Nick uses a pencil to fish out the gun. After observing that the safety is engaged, he bags it.)

(Det. Mantaray Vega shows up.)

Det. Vega: Even if these punks didn't kill the Marlins, this has got to be the biggest Sea-Weed bust in a decade. There's enough Sea-weed to keep every stoner toking from here to Ukulele Bottom for the next three months!

Haddock: I'll say. The street value of that Sea-Weed has to be in the hundreds of thousands of sand-dollars.

(We see more officers hauling out more large bales of Sea-Weed)

Nick: Let's continue to process the scene. I think this is just the tip of the iceberg.

(Haddock nods and they get back to work.)
 
(Some time has passed and we see Nick and Haddock returning to the crime lab, along with a couple of uniforms, hauling in several large boxes of evidence. Surfia is also with them and is directing the uniforms.)

Surfia: O'Malley--take those boxes to trace. Johnson, yours goes to materials. If any of you see Bobby Dungeness, tell him to get his dorsal fin over to ballistics. We've got some hot evidence to process!

Haddock: Was she ever that in charge when she was on the Day Shift?

Nick: Beats me.

(Capt. Jim Bass approaches with is Coffee cup looking somewhat happy.)

Bass: Well here come the conquering Heroes and Heroine. I hear the Sheriff may be handing out a medal when it's all said and done.

Nick: The medal can wait. We've still not solved the murder of Jesse and Sally Marlin yet.

Bass: Only a matter of time from the looks of things. Still, you three have pulled in the largest Sea-Weed bust in Department History. That's saying something.

Haddock: And, unfortunately, there's probably two or three other grow-ops that'll benefit from the Barracuda Boys being shut down.

Surfia: Same ol' Haddock. Always have to look at things from the dark side.

Haddock: When you grow up with pushers selling crack-puka shells and Sea-Weed on every corner in your neighborhood, it's hard to see things any other way sometimes.

Bass: Still, good work--all of you. (He shuffles on to his office.)

(Bobby Dungeness, a tall blue crab-man, catches them from behind.)

Bobby: I hear you've got something for me.

Nick: Yes indeed. Clear the deck in ballistics. We have a gun!

Surfia: I'll get the trace stuff where it's supposed to be. (Surfia shuffles off to the Trace area while Nick, Haddock and Bobby head to ballistics.)

Haddock: Catch you in a bit!
 
(Cut scenes kick in and we find ourselves at a construction site with a sign saying "Sunstar Casino Under Construction" on the outside. Greg Sandshark is seen entering the area with Det. O'Reefy. Catfish Willows is noticably absent.)

O'Reefy: You sure you can handle this one, kid?

Greg: Yes, I can. I've been doing this a couple of years now. You do your tough guy detective schtick, I'll do the Forensics schtick and well put on a great show.

O'Reefy: Awright, Shark-boy.

(They make their way over to the office trailer and knock on the door. A fish in a hard hat with buck teeth, glasses, a white shirt with a pocket protector and flood pants answers the door.)

Geeky Fish: Come on in. You must be the guys from the Crime Lab. I'm Marvin Smulk, the architect working on this site.

Greg: Greg Sandshark, BBMPD Crime Lab, and with me is Detective O'Reefy.

(O'Reefy nods and gives a stern look.)

Marvin Smulk: Well, as I told Ms. Willows on the phone, our foreman, Mike DelFinno, reported we'd had a jackhammer, a pneumatic drill and a backhoe stolen from this site. I've got some pictures of the missing equipment over here.

(He hands Greg a folder. Greg opens it, looks at the pictures carefully. The camera zooms in on the pictures and specifically shows the indentations on the blade of the jackhammer that matches some of the marks from the rubble of the Anchor Savings Bank.)

Greg: Very interesting. These will help us out a lot.

Smulk: I can't tell you how upset Mr. Boulabase and our insurance company are about it. The project is already over budget and there could be trouble finishing it if those claims don't go through.

O'Reefy: (Pulls out some papers) Mr. Smulk, do you have full access to the files here? And are the records of the employees working the site stored here?

Smulk: Well, yes and yes. We have to keep them on site per state law.

(O'Reefy hands him the papers)

Greg: We have a warrant for the information on all employees that have worked this site since it began. We need names, addresss and phone numbers if possible.

Smulk: Gee, I dunno. Mr. DelFinno isn't here and Beverly, our admin, has gone for the day, and she's the only one with the key to the personnel files.

O'Reefy: Call her. We'll send a couple of uniforms to pick her up and bring her over here. We can wait.

Smulk: Okay... but Mr. Boulabase won't like this...
 
i've just found this fic, and it's brilliant! i've been LMFAO!:lol: am looking forward to more instalments.

i <3 csi and spongebob!

sorta hopin that somethin will happen on this confrence that Gills Grunion and Sara Sailfish are attending :p*sighs wistfully*.

and one more thing i'm totally lovin' Catfish Willows (an overly made-up pink female fish with blonde hair and a bit of an attitude, resembling Marge Helgenberger)<-- nice description.

okay so i think i've rambled on long enough, keep up the good work!
:) :)

tigger_willows xoxo
 
lol I can't wait to see what he makes with Danny Messer and Don Flack. And Lindsay. LOL Don could be a whale, Don Fluke. Stella could be a starfish <g> Sheldon'll probably be a crab...lol Shelldon?
 
(Time passes. We now see a middle aged fish woman, in a bathrobe, pajamas and curlers at the office trailer looking rather peeved.)

Fish woman: Mr. Smulk should have been able to get the key for you two.

Det. O'Reefy: Sorry Mrs. Gillford. He said he didn't have a key and that you had the only one.

(O'Reefy shoots him a dirty look, he grins sheepishly and sweats a bit)

Mrs. Gillford: He just doesn't want Mr. Boulabase coming down on his tailfin, and he knows that Mr. Boulabase wouldn't dare try that with me.

Marvin Smulk: Sorry about that, Beverly.

Det. O'Reefy: Yer not free ta go bub. You lied to us so yer goin' downtown once we have what we came for!

(Smulk looks even more nervous as Beverly Gillford hands Det. O'Reefy a stack of files)

Beverly Gillford: Here you go, Detective. I'll need copies of those sent back ASAP. Gotta comply with the law you know.

Det. O'Reefy: Don't worry. The boys in Documents will have your copies before you start up tomorrow mornin'. (Turns to Smulk) You, in my car, NOW!

(Smulk nervously walks out the door to O'Reefy's unmarked boatmobile. Beverly Gillford whacks him on the back of the head on the way out.)

Beverly Gillford: That's for getting me outta bed, you bum!!!

(Scene cuts kick in. We now find ourselves inside the Ballistics Lab. We see Bobby Dungeness--a blue crab man with curly hair on his head--wearing noise cancelling headphones and Eye protection along with Haddock and Nick. A Fish Silhouette target made of some kind of thick styrofoam is hung on a clip and sent down to the back.)

Bobby Dungeness: Fire.

(He takes two shots, looks to see the target, then brings it back. He carefully extracts the bullets from the target and puts them under a nearby microscope. Special effects show some very unique, angled striations from the bullets. Bobby brings in another sample in another lens with similar striations. The second bullet is rotated around until its striations are in line with the fired bullet. They match flawlessly.)

Bobby Dungeness: We have a match. The bullets from the gun you found at the Stoner's Hut match up with the one that was used to kill Jesse Marlin. I can also make comparisons with the one from Sally Marlin--but I'm expecting a match as well. I'd be very surprised if it wasn't a match.

Haddock: We'll wait. We have more evidence to process.

Nick: Dial my Shell when you get the results.

(Nick and Haddock leave and Bobby goes back to his work)
 
(Time passes, we take a commercial break, see an ad for AllSea Insurance, it cuts back to the trace lab where Nick and Haddock are wrapping things up when Bobby Dungeness comes in looking perplexed.)

Bobby: The bullet used to kill Jesse Marlin was indeed fired from the same gun as the one used to fire the bullet that Doc Bobfins found in Sally's brain. Just one thing doesn't make sense: Didn't Doc say that the cause of death of Sally Marlin was buy a sawed off shotgun blast?

Nick: That's true. The bullet in the brain was found later.

Haddock: Well, we have the scales, the gun, and the history between the neighbors for motive on Billy Baracuda murdering Jesse Marlin. The thing is, that shotgun wound on Sally and the lack of finding a shotgun at the Barracuda Boyz's crash pad makes it less likely there will be a conviction for Sally's murder.

Nick: They'll probably prosecute 2nd Degree Murder and plea-out for Fishlaughter, meaning Billy's back on the street in 8 years. 6 if he behaves while in the clink.

Haddock: We didn't find any other guns at the Barracuda Boyz's crash pad. But maybe...

Bobby Dungeness: Maybe there's a gun back at the Marlin's residence that you didn't find during your initial sweep of the crime scene.

(Before they can mobilize, Haddock's shell phone rings.)

Haddock: Brown here.

Dr. Bobfins: I got the trace results from our DBs--Sally had been spawning with someone, but it wasn't her husband Jesse. And there was GSR on Jesse's fin consistent with that of a shotgun.

Haddock: (a lightbulb forms above his head) Doc, I think I've just figured out what happened. We're going to get you a DNA sample to compare to the spawn you found with Sally Marlin. (He hangs up)

Nick: What's up, Haddock?

Haddock: I think we've had a break in the case. We better go down to holding and see if we can get a reference sample from a swab on our favorite Barracuda Boy...
 
(We cut over to the interrogation room, where Marvin Smulk is sitting, sweating and looking really nervous.)

Det. O'Reefy: So, ya got anything you wanna tell me now?

Marvin Smulk: I'm not saying a darned thing without an attorney present!

Det. O'Reefy: I hate ta break it to ya, bub, but you're not here as a suspect or under arrest. Yer bein' held as a *piscine of interest*.

(O'Reefy makes quotes with his fins)

Marvin Smulk: So?

Det. O'Reefy: Piscines of Interest DON'T have a right to an attorney present during questioning. Only those under arrest have that right.

Marvin Smulk: This is intimidation! Police brutality!

Det. O'Reefy: Now ya see, woids like that suggest to me that yer not going to be cooperative. And if yer not gonna be cooperative, then I have no choice but to hold you for 24 hours as a piscine of interest, since the law says we can do it. Meanwhile, Shark-boy is visiting a late night judge who's subpoena-ing your financial records as we speak so we can get them first thing in the mornin'. IF there is anything *interesting* we might find in there, then we might charge you and only then you'll get yer attorney. Meanwhile, you can be in a nice, cramped cell, with several HUGE collars for Drunken & Disorderly Conduct.

(O'Reefy gestures over to the holding cell where we see several HUGE Fish, Whales and so forth with tattoos, torn t-shirts, angry faces and menacing looks. Marvin Smulk begins sweating even more and gulping.)
 
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