CSI: Bikini Bottom

(Time passes. Greg Sandshark comes back into the document area of the crime lab with more paperwork in a big box. Codges is hanging out in there drinking a cup of coffee.)

Greg: Judge Whelk is an insomniac and he signed the order. I've got some stuff for the forensic accountant to add to her pile.

Codges: And you're sure you're not just here because she's got a nice dorsal fin, Shark-boy?

Greg: HEY! Only O'Reefy, Nick and Haddock can call me "Shark-boy"!

Codges: Fine. Suit yourself. I think she'll be back from lunch in 30 minutes. Toodles! (He tinkles his fin and lopes out the door.)

(Greg pulls some paperwork out of the files he has from Marvin Smulk's financial records. He looks at some items and his brow wrinkles. Camera angle zooms in and we see evivdence of a series of cash deposits going back several weeks, most of them under $3000.00. He also spots a couple of large check deposits from an insurance company. Camera pans out and Greg is now looking at the forensic accountant's desk and sees several insurance claim forms on stolen equpiment for Boulabase construction--all filed by Melvin Smulk within the past six weeks. He starts to nod when a teal colored female fish comes in, sees him looking at the paperwork and clears her throat.)

Teal Colored Female Fish: Ahem!

Greg: Oh! I'm sorry! I was just bringing in some finanacial records from a Piscine of Interest in this case and was comparing them to some items you had on the desk.

Teal Colored Female Fish:Well, that's a better line than that creepy Codges tried to use on me...

Greg: Line? (He looks confused, then a lightbulb goes off over his head.) Oh no! That's not a line! I'm Greg Sandshark--CSI Level One. I'm the de-facto lead CSI on this bank case.

Teal Colored Female Fish: Amy Poseidon, forensic accountant. I thought Cat Willows was the lead CSI on this case.

Greg: (Sheepishly.) I said "de-facto." Cat's got something going on with her daughter, so I promised to do all the heavy lifting so she could take care of that, but that I'd call her if I needed help or it got to be too much for me.

Amy Poseidon: (Smiles) Well, that's nice then.

Greg: (Smiles back) Anyway, could you take a look at these bank statements and compare some dates and dollar amounts with these insurnace claims? I think I see a pattern here.

Amy Poseidon: Sure. (She picks up the papers and begins doing some comparsions. She changes the order of a few of them.) This... is interesting.

Greg: Really?

Amy Poseidon: We have Mr. Smulk making deposits that are about 10% of the insurance claim checks to his account within a few days of the claims being settled.

Greg: That's not all. I'm also seeing strings of cash deposits of a little less than $3000.00 taking place over several days following the bank robberies.

Amy Poseidon:You know the reason why they're less than $3000.00, don't you?

Greg: Enlighlten me.

Amy Poseidon:(Voice over as video shows a montage of what Amy is describing) King Neptune's Internal Revenue Service requires that any deposits or withdrawals from bank accounts of $10,000.00 cash or higher, or purchases of cashier's checks or traveler's cheques of $3000.00 or more in cash require documentation. For the large withdrawals and deposits of cash, it's called a CTR--currency transaction report. For the cashier's and traveler's checks, it's called an NIR--Negotiable Instrument Report. This requires picture ID, tax id number and other information. The only exemptions are certain businesses that do a lot of transacations in cash but that aren't usually fronts for money laundering or drugs.

Greg: Oh yeah! I remember hearing about these. No boatmobile dealership can ever be exempt because a lot of dirty money gets laundered via the buying and selling of vehicles! (He swats his forehead with his fin)

Amy Poseidon:But that's not all. Most banks still flag any deposits of $3000.00 in cash or higher and watch the customer's account when they happen, just to be sure there's no money laundering or illegal activity going on. It's built into the computers. That way, if someone does 5 different deposits of $2000.00 each at 5 different branches on the same business day, the teller's terminal will immediately flag that a CTR has to be filled out.

Greg: Well, Mr. Smulk was varying the amounts, all of them between $2000.00 and $3000.00 and making sure the total was less than $10,000.00 per business day. I'll need to call his bank's proof department and get them to get copies of the deposit slips, cash tickets and checks he deposited.

Amy Poseidon:I'm going to do some more review of these documents. Until we get everything in from the Insurance company and the bank, we can't be sure. However, based upon my experience, this guy has been laundering money and has been scamming the insurance company, as well as his employer. I wouldn't be surprised if there wasn't an inurance company employee involved as well.

Greg: Let's see the claim forms and see who the adjusters were for these claims?

Amy Poseidon: One step ahead of you, hon. It's all the same person--Marilyn Angelfish.

Greg: Oooohhhh... the plot thickens! I'll go see O'Reefy and see if we can find this woman. Thanks for your help, Amy. (Greg turns to walk out the door)

Amy Poseidon: (Normal voice) No problem. (Sotto voice) Shark-boy! Hee hee hee!!!

(Greg smiles and shakes his head then walks out the door.)

Greg: (Voice trailing as he walks down the hallway) I don't mind being called Shark-boy by a cute girl!!!
 
(Haddock Brown and Nick Sturgeon are down in Holding with CSurfia Curtis and Billy Baracuda.)

Surfia: I've got a warrant here for your DNA that these fine CSI's will be extracting from your cheeks.

Billy: I don't see why you need it. You found our Coral-Reefer stash, we're going to jail anyway. What does it matter now?

Haddock: The truth matters here. And if your DNA is able to help us get at it, then more's the better.

Nick: (Holds up a swab) Say "Ahhhh!"

(Billy Barracuda complies and Nick does a thorough swipe, then covers the swab after extracting it.)

Nick: Thank you, Billy. We'll be in touch.

(Nick takes the sample to Codges who begins to go through the DNA run as we see the nice time lapse montage.)

(Several cut scenes take us over to Wharfcovea Bank where Greg Sandshark is collecting several file folders of proof work copies, with some help from Detective O'Reefy.)

Greg; And I thought filing forms for the N-IRS was bad!

O'Reefy: Dat dweeb is in holding while we push papers. Lovely--fer us!

Greg: I got a look at some of this stuff--the forensic accountant...

O'Reefy: Wid da NIIIICE dorsal fin...

Greg: I didn't notice...

O'Reefy:SURE ya didn't!

(The pair make their way out to the S.U.B.)

Greg:ANYWAY... she said it looked like Smulk was laundering stolen money and scamming the Insurance Company. From seeing this proofwork, he had deposited about 20 checks from SeaFarm Insurance on top of all the cash.

O'Reefy: Meanwhile, we gotta get a warrant fer the claims adjuster AND see if the other AFISc runs helps us find his road crew.

Greg: The way this case is going, I'd hate to be Smulk. Sam Boulabase does NOT cotton to employees trying to steal from him!

O'Reefy: And dey say dere's no justice! Heh! (They finish loading up the paperwork and drive back to the Crime Lab)

(Several more cut scenes kick in and we're back to Nick and Haddock in the break room when Codges comes in looking smug.)

Haddock: Well?

Codges: Please allow for my exposition!

Nick: Get to the point, man!

Codges: Hmmph! No sense of anticipation. Okay... the spawn samples from Sally Marlin have enough alleles in common with your perp in the tank to prove they're his little tadpoles. In other words, Sally Marlin was *banging* Billy Barracuda, to use the parlance of our times...

Haddock: Well then, how does this whole thing play out now?

Nick: (VOICE OVER, as we see the usual washed-out film of crime reconstruction dramatization!) Billy Barracuda wasn't just a nuisance to Jesse Marlin because of his smoking Seaweed and playing loud music. His wife, Sally, was hanging out over there and getting a bit too friendly with the local dope dealer. They probably had a huge fight about it and he blew a hole in her with a shotgun. Billy probably heard the fight, came over to rescue his lover, and then saw her there dying with a hole in her thorax. He took his gun and put a bullet in her brain to put her out of her misery, then found her husband and put a bullet in his head for revenge.

Haddock: All that we need to complete this is...

(On Cue, Surfia Curtis walks in.)

Surfia: A Shotgun. Another go-over of the Marlin place revealed this shotgun. I've gotten scales off of it, and I'm willing to bet they're Jesse Marlin's. We did find GSR on his fins during the autopsy, so this case is all over but the prosecution.

Haddock: All the Barracuda Boys will be serving time for possession with intent to distribute Seaweed. Given the amount they had there, they'll be in jail for at least 10 years.

Nick: Yeah, but since it looks like he euthanized Sally and he killed Jesse in the heat of passion, the death penalty's off the table, and he'll probably plead out for Fish-slaughter.

Surfia: True, but the drug charges are Federal and he won't get parole during the sentence, so he's off the streets for at least 15 years. It's better than nothing.
 
(We see another commercial for Anchor Savings Bank IRA accounts and Kelp Cereal, then things cut back to CSI: Bikini Bottom. Our usual skyline cut shots kick in and we find ourselves back at BBPD HQ. Several Uniformed Officers are bringing in a diverse group of fish-folk in cuffs. Some are arguing and acting indignant, while others are being unusually silent. These include a sultry blonde fish-woman, several buff construction workers, and a thin, tall dolphin man with a hard hat, but wearing a shirt and tie, whose not in cuffs.)

Fish-man with the hard hat and tie: What's this all about? You've brought in several of my best equipment operators that I need on the job site. Mr. Boulabase is already upset that we're behind schedule.

Uniformed Officer: Calm down, Mr. Delfinno. I understand your concerns, but these guys all have records and given the equipment theft on your jobsite and the use of construction equipment in the bank robbery, we have to pursue all angles. Detective O'Reefy will fill you in on the details.

Mr. Delfinno: Fine. Just remember that a lot of construction workers may have records for Drunken Disorderly, but that doesn't make them Bank Robbers.

(Catfish Willows comes in and sees the crowd, looking bewildered. She spots Greg Sandshark and Detective O'Reefy coming into the room and they motion her over to them. They step into an office and shut the door)

Cat Willows: I take some personal time and everything blows up! What's going on?

Det. O'Reefy: Cat, me and Shark-boy here have turned up a pretty huge operation going on.

Greg Sandshark: With the help of our Forensic Accountant, Amy Poseidon of course!!!

Cat: Okay. Fill me in on the details please.

(While Greg begins we cut back to the waiting area where the camera focuses in on the sultry blond Angelfish. Nick Sturgeon walks by and this woman flips her fin and makes a cute face, turning on the charm.)

Sultry Angelfish Woman: 'Scuse me, hon. You wouldn't happen to be Greg Sandshark, would you?

Nick Sturgeon: No... but I almost wish I was...

Sultry Fish-woman: Too bad, big boy. I'm Marilyn Angelfish. I work with SeaFarm Insurance and I don't understand why I've been brought in on this. All I've done is handle some claims adjustments, hon.

Nick: Well, ma'am: I'm not on that case. And I usually like my women to be wearing the cuffs after we've had a few dates, not when I first meet them. Can't help you.

(Nick shuffles off, shaking his head while Marilyn Angelfish makes a face.)
 
(Some time passes, O'Reefy, Cat, Greg and several uniformed officers come out to the crowd of suspects in the lobby.)

Det. O'Reefy: Okay, alla youse! I'm gonna call out some names. Stand up when you hear it. Jack Scaler. Johnny Narwahl. Dan Lamprey. Paul Fishman. (those called stand up) Yer all free ta go once these uniforms verify your ID. Da rest of youse ain't gonna be going anywhere for a while while da rest of dis gets sorted out.

(Those who are being freed celebrate while those that are not gripe and complain some more as they're being led off to holding cells. As the crowd disperses, a limosine Boatmobile pulls up and Sam Boulabase comes in with a lawyer, a bodyguard and a trophy girlfriend in tow.)

Sam Boulabase: Awright! What the Halibut's going on here?

(Catfish Willows approaches)

Cat Willows: Sam, I'm glad you've come in. We need to show some things to you and need to see if you're willing to press charges against a couple of your employees.

Sam Boulabase: What? What's going on here, Muggs?

Cat: Your field engineer, Melvin Smulk, materminded a number of bank robberies using your construction equipment. He also files false claims with your insurance company on damaged and stolen equipment, then skimmed off the top as the claims paid out.

Sam: That Sunstar Casino was perpetually over budget and I couldnt' figure out why! Even my accountants were having trouble finding anything!

Greg Sandshark: Well, one of our forensic accountants managed to piece it all together. She found the things that didn't fit and pieced it all together.

Sam: You bet yer bottom Sand-dollar I'm gonna press charges against the bum! I hope the Insurance Company does too! (Sam keeps railing on as Catherine and Greg trade knowing looks)

(Jim Bass passes by with a perplexed look.)

Bass: Sam. What brings you here? They find the bodies at the Reefpart?

Greg: Actually, Sam's one of the victims this time. He's here to press charges.

Bass: Well... I think it just got cold in Hades! I'm going home to light my fireplace now!

(He shakes his head and shuffles out the door.)

(Theme music kicks in, along with closing Credits, final card stating "A Stephen Hillenburg/Anthony Zuiker Production)

Thanks to all the CSI: BB fans for being so patient as this episode dragged a bit due to outside personal situations going on. I'll be posting a new episode in May that will go a bit quicker!
 
I just want to say two things.
One: Those "episodes" of CSI Bikini Bottom are really great!
Two: Is the episode of The MANIC not episode 5 or is it just me?
 
You're right. I realized my typo after the editing window had closed. :(

Thus far the episodes are:

Episode 1: "Crushed Pineapple" (a/k/a Pilot)
Episode 2: "All Tired Out"
Episode 3: "Dumped"
Episode 4: "Cross Currents" (featuring the debut of CSI: Ukulele Bottom team)
Episode 5: "The Maniac" (features a Brief Snippet of CSI: Rock Bottom team leader Lt. Mac Angler)

I'm currently going through ideas in my head that involve events from the Actual Spongebob episodes "Life of Crime" and "No Free Rides" being Crimes investigated by our favourite UnderSea-SIs. Once I can get those ideas to gel, I'll be putting in Episode 6!

Thanks to the fans for all the support this group of Fanfictions receives!

If any of you are of an artistic bent and would like to attempt to draw/do computer art of the Oceanic versions of Grissom, Nick, Warrick and company, please feel free to send them to me and I will post the best ones!

Thanks again!

Hankster
 
I just discovered this fic. This is the best fic ever written.
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All episodes are great. Very Spongebob-y. I can see this happening. Spongebob + CSI.. How wondeful is that? :D ;) Thanks for writing this. Made me so happy.
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Besides artwork, if anyone has any ideas of Spongebob Episodes that could be incorporated into a CSI:BB plot, please PM me! And thanks again for all the + feedback!
 
(We see a series of dusk shots of Bikini Bottom's skyline. We see the series of houses that look like mufflers dumped in the water, the Sea Needle, Mrs. Puff's boating school and the Krusty Krab. The camera closes in an alleyway behind the Krusty Krab where we see Spongebob taking out the trash.)

Spongebob: (singing) Takin' out the trash, Takin' out the trash...

(A shadow passes over our favorite Sponge, ominously, while he is oblivious to it... at first...)

Spongebob: Huh? Did Mr. Krabs forget to pay the light bill again? (Spongebob turns and gasps) (high pitched) OH NO!!!

Evil Deep Voice (Off camera) Oh yes! Get ready to have your BUTT KICKED!!!

Spongebob: (high pitched) EEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKK!!!!!

(The scene cuts over to a little later in time where we see the usual yellow tape "POLICE LINE-DO NOT CROSS" set up around the alleyway and an ambulance boat is parked, hauling Spongebob on a gurney into the back. Greg Sandshark and Det. Surfia Curtis step into the shot.)

Surfia Curtis: This is the third random butt-kicking this week!

Greg Sandshark: Tell me about it! Who'd want to kick Spongebob's butt so badly and send him to the hospital anyway?

(The Camera suddenly shifts over to Squidward who's sitting behind the cash register reading Modern Clarinet™ magazine!)

Squidward: Huh? What's going on?

Greg: All right, Squidward! Why'd you do it? We all know that you hate Spongebob!

Squidward: Oh PER-LEAZE! Give me a BREAK! How come every time something happens to Spongebob, I become the PRIME SUSPECT?

Greg: Because you openly tell everyone how much you hate him, how you wish he'd disappear, yadda yadda yadda.

Squidward: Mr. Krabs! Can you vouch for my whereabouts while Spongebob was getting his butt kicked?

Mr. Krabs: Aye Mr. Sandshark, Squidward was here behind the cash register while I was auditing the till! It balanced to the penny--THIS TIME! But if I'm ever missin' a DIME again, I'll be callin' on ye to come throw his foul Cephalapod self into the Clink fer it!

Surfia: So much for that idea! Besides, the other two cases didn't have any suction cup prints on them, nor did Spongebob.

Greg: Awright then. Still, it's fun to make Squidward squirm!

Squidward: I HEARD THAT!!!

(Sara Sailfish comes in from outside.)

Sara Sailfish: Hey Shark-boy! I've got trace in the alleyway that's got nothing to do with leftover Krabby Patties. Hop to it and help me gather it up!

Greg: So much for going home and watching Mermaidman and Barnacle Boy: The Early Days on TV...

(Credits kick in. "Who are you?" by The Who begins playing--with Patrick Star on Vocals instead of Roger Daltry--as we see shots of our favorite UnderSea-SIs. "Produced by Anthony Zuiker and Stephen Hillenberg" shows as the song finishes.)
 
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