CSI: Bikini Bottom

Episode 6: Kicking Tailfin

(We see the current Bikini Bottom Sheriff, Rory Bivalve, a large Clam-man in a cheap suit, behind a podium with TV Cameras rolling and Perch Perkins, among other newspeople, present.)

Sheriff Bivalve: I want to assure all residents of Bikini Bottom, that we will indeed get down to the... uh... BOTTOM... of all the random butt-kickings that have been happening in our fair city. By Neptune, we will find this miscreant, kick his butt and lock it up in the Bikini Bottom jail, you have my word on it!

(Several reporters stand up calling out "Sheriff Bivalve!!!" as he tries to step away from the podium. Perch Perkins manages to get up front first.)

Perch Perkins: Sheriff Bivalve! Perch Perkins from KBKM-TV. While the citizens of Bikini Bottom do appreciate your assurances that you and the BBMPD are on the case, how exactly are you going to catch this random butt-kicker!

Sheriff Bivalve: (Makes a "HARRUMPH" face.) I have been assured that our experts in the Crime Lab, led by my right hand man Squidrad Ecklie...

(Camera pans over to Squidrad who was twiddling his tentacles until he realizes all eyes are on him)

Squidrad Ecklie: Huh? What was that?

(Sheriff Bivalve shoots Ecklie an ugly look and continues)

Sheriff Bivalve: ... that they will use all their scientific know-how to find that butt-kicker and protect the... uh... bottoms... of everyone in Bikini Bottom! Now if you'll excuse me, I have an important meeting with the Mayor.

Reporters: Wait! We have more questions! Come on!

Sheriff Bivalve: Any further questions you have can be answered by Squidrad Ecklie! I have EVERY CONFIDENCE he'll answer all your questions! Good day!

(Sheriff Bivalve trots off, grabbing a bag of golf clubs stowed behind the podium on his way out. All the reporters then hound Ecklie, much to his visible annoyance.)

Ecklie: (Face turns red, brow starts sweating) Yes... yes... one at a time please... (to himself) Why can't I pass this on to Grunion?!?!?!

(Several cut scenes move us over to the conference room as we see our favorite UnderSea-SIs and detectives discussing the current cases)

Dr. Gills Grunion: I'm sure you all got wind of the news conference the Sheriff had before his (makes quotes with his fins) "meeting" with the Mayor. Sara, Greg and Sophia have worked the latest crime scene, and will be on point for the time being. I'll be assisting them in and around dealing with Ecklie and the Sheriff. In the meantime, what else are you all working on?

Catfish Willows: Nick, Haddock and I are working the series of boatjackings that have taken place over on the east side.

Nick Sturgeon: The perp's been described as a large fish in a ski mask that looks like he's been somewhat inflated.

Haddock Brown: Whoever that boatjacker is, they've been VERY THOROUGH. No scales have been left for AFISc, bleach wipes have been used on the parts of the one boatmobile that has been recovered intact.

Nick: The victims' credit cards that have been used were done with the perp in a blind spot on the security cameras while at the register.

Cat: We have a real pro on our hands with this. Thus far, nobody's been more than just scared. However, we're looking at several thousand sand-dollars worth of credit card fraud, and most of the boatmobiles haven't been recovered.

Det. Jim Bass: We're presuming chop shop on those. I'm trying to get a dragnet together to see if we can find some of the parts of the unrecovered boatmobiles there and trace it back, but I'm having trouble getting enough men on it due to all the attention the Buttkicker's been getting.

Grunion: Do what you can with whom you can get. I'll try and get the Sheriff to stop with the press conferences on the butt-kickings and remind him that there are other crimes to investigate in an election year...

(Everyone mumbles agreement and then they all disperse to work their cases.)
 
(Time passes and cut scenes take us into Det. Jim Bass' office. Cat Willows, Haddock Brown and Nick Sturgeon are all there and are pinning index cards on a map of Bikini Bottom.)

Bass: Okay. This boatjacker is a pro, but even pros slip up. And they all tend to have a certain area in which they operate.

Cat Willows: First boatjacking took place in the parking lot at Goo Lagoon three weeks ago. (Washed out flashback kicks in with Cat's voice providing narration) The driver was distracted by a Flying Ice Cream truck that landed on the beach.

(Video shows flying ice cream truck landing on Spongebob as a fish guy in red shorts and a white T-Shirt runs over to look at it, along with his girlfriend, leaving his boatmobile in the parking lot, with the keys in the ignition. A large, melonshaped fish in a Ski mask jumps into the boatmobile and drives off. The fish guy and his girlfriend come back moments later looking confused as to where the boatmobile went.)

(Video cuts back to normal quality in Bass' office and Cat marks Goo Lagoon with a card marking the date as May 4th.)

Nick: 2nd Boatjacking happened at the Super Weenie Hut Jr's over on Trilobite Boulevard. (Washed out flashback kicks in with Nick's voice providing narration) The driver was going back to his car after loading up some weenies to go on Monster Weenie Monday on May 7th. Once again, our inflated piscine in a ski mask shows up, pistol whips the guy, takes his boatmobile, and to add insult to injury, also takes his food as well!

(Video shows one of the Weenie fish guys with a retainer carrying bags with the Super Weenie Hut Jr's logo on it. The large melon-shaped fish in the ski mask shows up, pulls a gun on him, causing him to wet his pants and beg for his life. The large melon-shaped fish takes the food bags, and the keys, conks the geeky fish guy on the head and drives off, kicking sand in the geeky fish guy's face with the tires.)

(Video cuts back to normal quality in Bass' office and Nick marks Super Weenie Hut Jr's with a card marking the date as May 7th.)

Haddock: Third boat-jacking, and the only one where the vehicle was recovered, took place outside the Shady Shoals retirement home. (Washed out flashback kicks in with Haddock's voice providing narration) Tina Herring had gone to Shady Shoal's in her Evenrudette to visit her grandmother and take her out for a drive. Once again, the rotund ski masked crook shows up, brandishing a pistol. Tina and her Grandmother put up a fight, whacking the perp with their purses. Crook gets off a shot that cows the two vics into submission and takes off. However, O'Malley and Mollusk are running a speed trap around the corner, hear the commotion and take off after the perp. The perp does some reckless driving and ends up ditching the boatmobile by the airport. O'Malley chases the perp around the airport perimeter, but loses him in a bed of Giant Clams.

(Video shows Haddock's description, including O'Malley limping out of the clams with bites taken out of him. Normal video returns as we see Haddock marking Shady Shoals Retirement home on the map.)

Haddock: We even checked the clams to see if they got a bite out of the perp, but no dice, no DNA, no leads.

Bass: Perp must've been wearing Clam repellent.

(Cat Willows connects the pins with string to show a feasible region for the boat-jackings. Nick pulls out a digital camera and snaps a shot of the map. He then hooks it up to a computer and downloads the image. He adjusts the size for resolution)

Nick: Let's check the known chop shops inside and around these three incicdents.... (Nick hits a few more keys and five red dots appear--three inside the triangle and two just barely outside the triangle.)

Bass: We can nix the one on Spade avenue and the one off of Poseidome. Those have both since been shut down and none of the vehicles turned up there. (Bass hits a couple of buttons to remove those lights and we're left with two inside the triangle and one barely outside of it.)

Cat: That leaves three of them. Let's check with Vice to see if any of them are being staked out or if we have anyone on the inside.

Nick, Bass and Haddock: Right.
 
(After Commercials for Kelpo Cereal and Barg-N-Mart, we cut back to skyline shots of Bikini Bottom, then an outside shot of Bikini Bottom Medical Center, then we cut to a hallway where Surfia Curtis and Greg Sandshark are walking.)

Surfia: Doctor Finley said Spongebob was lucid now, though still in pain.

Greg: Is he in the Iron Butt?

(Shot cuts to a shot of a fish-guy standing with a large Iron lung-type machine attached to his rear end. )

Fish-guy:Oh man! My butt itches!

(Scene cuts back to Surfia and Greg)

Surfia: No, he's in a hospital bed. One of the nurses told me that his friend Sandy Cheeks--that squirrel girl that lives in the Treedome--is there with him.

Greg: Better watch out for her! She's feisty and knows karate!

Surfia: (shoots Greg a sly look) I see! Did you try to get some Mammalian luv on, Shark-boy, but she wasn't interested?

Greg: (Makes a face) No way! She's not my type!

(They turn the corner and come to room 22, where the door is half open. Surfia knocks on it anyway.)

Surfia: Hello there! BBPD along with a CSI from the Crimelab. We're here to see Mr. Squarepants.

(The camera now shows Sandy sitting in a Chair next to Spongebob's bed reading him an old Mermaid Man and Barnacle boy Comic Book. Spongebob has a black eye, bandages on his head and has an IV attached to one of his arms, but appears awake yet pitiful.)

Sandy Cheeks: (To Surfia) Howdy ya'll! (Suddenly her eyes narrow as she sees Greg) What are YOU doing here?!?!?

Greg: (Somewhat meekly) I'm here to do my job. Didn't Spongebob tell you I was a Crime Scene Investigator?

Spongebob: (Sounding tired, but firm) It's okay, Sandy. Greg works with Nick and Haddock, as well as Dr. Grunion. He's a buddy of mine from the Mermaidman and Barnacle Boy Society. I want to see him anyway and he's doing his job. Okay?

Sandy: (skeptical) Okay... but I've got my eye on you. You get outta line and HIIIIYAAAA!!! You're sushi!

Surfia: (Trying to redirect the conversation) We're here investigating the buttkicking. We weren't able to take a statement at the scene because Spongebob was incoherent at the time. We need that as part of our ongoing investigation into the random buttkickings that have taken place.

Sandy: Awright! That varmint had just better hope that you find him before I do! He'll be jumpier than a worm in a school of pirannha!
 
Surfia: Spongebob, can you please give a statement as to what happened to you?

Spongebob: Sure, Detective Curtis. Let me think... (Switches to voiceover as video shows what Spongebob says)

Spongebob: I was wrapping up my shift taking out the trash... singing the usual song I sing... when all of a sudden, there was this HUGE triangle-shaped fish-guy, who flexed his fins... he said he was gonna kick my butt. I screamed "OH NO!!!" and he said "Oh yes! Get ready for a butt-kicking."

Greg: (Interrupting) Wait a minute Spongebob--since you're a sponge, won't most punches bounce off of you?

Spongebob: Normally, but this guy figured a way to make it hurt. He had like a vaccuum cleaner hose, he sucked all the water out of me so I compressed and lost my sponginess... THEN he pummelled me until the garbage truck pulled up to empty the dumpster and the guy pummelling me ran away, with his vaccuum cleaner.

(Scene switches back to the hospital room)

Surfia: Whoever this guy was, he knew what he needed to do in order to kick your butt, Spongebob. That makes him dangerous.

Sandy: Well, ya'll got the description--triangle shaped sea critter with a vacuum cleaner and a nasty disposition. If'n I see him, he'll be chopped into kindlin'!!!

Spongebob: Sandy, don't take the law into your own h ands, please. Let Detective Curtis and the CSIs do their jobs. They'll take care of it!

Greg: Sara mentioned finding some kind of plastic part at the scene. I wonder if it came off the vaccuum cleaner.

Surfia: We'll get back to the lab and check the evidence Sara brought back from the scene and see if it leads us anywhere. Spongebob, thanks for giving your statement.

Spongebob: No problem Detective Curtis. I just hope nobody else gets their butt kicked like I did...
 
Nice, as always. I can hear the canon char voices as I read...think I wind up sitting through it too often when my little cousins are visiting lol

more soon!
 
(A grubby looking undercover Vice Cop named Lance Barracuda is seen in the conference room with Bass, Cat, Nick and Haddock. He has a permanent grimace on his face and sounds really gutteral.)

Lance Barracuda: Yeah, we've been trying to get some evidence on that one chop shop over offa Red Reef Road--called Tilapia Boat Service and Scrapyard. The only problem is, they've been able to produce really good documentation on each vehicle. They say that they're collecting old boatmobiles and stripping them far parts to sell for *charity*, but I don't buy it.

Bass: Sounds like that old Bikini Bottom Can Academy scam that was run a few years ago.

Cat: I remember that one. The folks running it were actually recruiting drop-outs and instead of helping them get their GEDs, they were recruiting them for organized crime.

Haddock: Who's been working with your evidence and documentation on this case here at the lab?

Det. Barracuda: One of Ecklie's Day Shift Honks. A real tailfin-kisser, if you know what I mean.

(Everyone nods knowingly.)

Nick: Okay, we'll draw straws. Short one goes to talk to Codges about what he has on Tilapia Boat Service and Scrapyard. (Nick holds out his fin and Cat, Bass and Haddock each draw one. They hold up their straws--Haddock's drawn short.)

Haddock: Oh great! Now i"m going to have to take a shower in the middle of my shift after dealing with that brown-snouter.

Nick: Hee hee hee! It could be worse...you could be working on the Day shift WITH ECKLIE!

Haddock: (Groans) True.

Bass: In the meanwhile, let's go see what else we can dig up on the other chop shops.

Det. Barracuda: What's the deal anyway?

Cat: There's been a big spike in boat-jacking lately and we think whomever is doing it is working with one or more of the local chop shops.


Det. Barracuda: Makes sense. If I turn up anythink, I'll let you know.
 
(Haddock Brown is shuffling down the hall rather slowly and sees Dave Codges in the lab. He lets out a big sigh and then walks in.)

Haddock: Codges. Detective Barracuda says you have some evidence you've been processing on Tilapia Boat Service and Scrapyard. Is that right?

Codges: Why, yes it is! Why do you care?

Haddock: There's been a rash of boatjackings and it's come up on the radar multiple times as being a potential chop shop.

Codges: Yes, I can see that. They've provided a lot of very legitimate looking documents on many of the boats they've scrapped. Most of them are indeed legitimate.

Haddock: I see. Maybe this is a dead end then.

Codges: I said *most* of them, Mr. Brown. I didn't say *all* of them. I like to do exposition and build up to the presentation in order to make you say "Wow, Codges! That was genius."

Haddock: Get to the point first, then I'll be the judge of it.

Codges: (Makes a sour face.) You're no fun. No wonder Fina divorced you!

(Haddock gives Codges a look that says "I'm gonna kick your tailfin if you don't get on with it!")

Codges: :ahem: Anyway, out of 85 different sets of documents, I had 15 with *irregularities*--the Bikini Bottom DMV logo was blurry around the edges, some of the numbers or letters on the VIN Numbers was out of whack, etc. And these were all on high demand vehicles--Accordos, Fininities, Plexuses, etc.

(Codges hands the stack of irregular documents to Haddock who looks them over.)

Hodges: These match the description of several boatmobiles that were jacked in the past month. Codges, as much as I hate to say it, that was genius.

(Haddock shuffles off)

Codges: Told ya so! (He goes back to his work)
 
(Greg Sandshark is now back at the lab with a baggie containing a couple of plastic parts. Henry Sandrews, a skinny Eel of a labrat with a short buzz cut has gloves on his fins opens the baggie and starts looking them over.)

Henry Sandrews: Interesting. These were found out back of the Krusty Krab where Spongebob got his butt kicked, huh?

Greg: You got it Henry. We just need to figure out where they might have come from and see if they might lead us somewhere.

(Henry carefully takes the parts over to a hood and then treats them with super glue vapour. A couple of scales are revealed which he then collects and bags up to send to be run in AFisc. Next, he takes the parts over to what looks like an oddball electronic projector hooked up to a computer monitor. He punches a few buttons on the workstation and the screen opens up a view of the parts. Then the image starts to zoom in little by little.)

Greg: Henry is this...?

Henry: Yep, it sure is. It's a 5000X digital scope. You could put a SandDollar bill on it and zoom in enough to see the ridges on the scallop shell or see the zits on King Neptune's nose.

(Henry manipulates the items enough to where a series of numbers is clearly visible.)

Henry: Part numbers, catalog numbers or serial numbers. If you have some idea of what they may be from we can narrow our search a bit. Otherwise, we'll just input these into a few databases and wait for the results.

Greg: I do have an idea, but rather than bias things, let's just wait and see what comes out.

Henry: Okay then. I'll buzz you on your shell phone when I get things narrowed a bit.

Greg: Thanks. I'm gonna go grab a Kelp shake across the street then.

Henry: Can you get me one too?

Greg: (Sighs) Okay... (He shuffles out the door.)

Henry: Shark boy! (He giggles and keeps on working.)
 
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