CSI: Bikini Bottom

Bass: Well, now that you're attorney's flown the coop, these nice Detectives and these two uniformed officers will be escorting you back to Ukulele Bottom to stand trial for 2 counts of solicitation of capital murder.

Horatio: And once our judge is done with you... before you start serving any prison time... you'll be transported back here... to answer to first degree murder charges...

Bass: He's all yours, H.

Horatio: Capt. Bass... it's been a pleasure. If you're ever in Ukulele Bottom, feel free to come by the lab. I just hope... we wont put you to work... if you're on vacation.

(Bass and Horatio shake fins/wings.)

Horatio: Officers: take this piece... of flotsam.

UB Officers: Yes sir, Lieutenant Crane. (They comply and drag a shackled, growling Ray Dolphus from the interrogation room.)

(We see Bass and Catherine look on as Horatio Crane puts on his sunglasses under his air helmet with dramatic flourish and the camera gives him his closeup.)

Horatio: Let's go home, Calleigh.

(Music: "Won't Get Fooled Again" by The Who kicks in. We see dramatic shots of the CSI: Ukulele Bottom team in their natural habitat in a nice montage. Credits roll stating: "Coming Mondays this Fall on Sea-BS: Crime investigation, brackish water style. CSI: Ukulele Bottom!" Last three power chords hit. Quick transition to "Who Are You?" by the who with closing credits for CSI: Bikini Bottom. Final Credits: "Created by Anthony Zuiker and Stephen Hillenberg. Produced by Jerry Bruckheimer and Stephen Hillenberg. A Bruckheimer/Hillenberg Joint Venture")
 
End Notes: This episode is dedicated to CSI: Miami fans and an idea that got floated my way by my daughter Helena. There have been references to Ukulele Bottom a number of times for Jellyfishing conventions and so forth but we've never seen it in any Spongebob Episode. She asked me what it was like and I thought maybe it's like typical coastal wetlands and beach areas, with various birds, mammals, fish, reptiles and rodents that are aquatic, amphibious and wetland dwellers. It gave me the idea to do a South Florida style story and the names just came from there.

It is not my intention to do any more CSI: Ukulele Bottom stories in this thread. When I do another one, it will be in it's own thread.

CSI: Rock Bottom will be the New York analogue. Rock Bottom has been seen in one Episode of Spongebob and in the video game "The Battle for Bikini Bottom." It is a dark city like some parts of New York, deep in a trench in the ocean and populated by the typical deep dark trench dwelling fish. One thing though: I will NOT be writing the characters with the typical Rock Bottom accent (making raspberry/bronx cheer sounds) every few words. It would be UNREADABLE. Since New York was Spun off Miami, Rock Bottom will spin off of Ukulele Bottom. That will be a project for this summer.

Meanwhile, I will write the next CSI: BB episode later this week!
 
(We see a series of dusk shots of Bikini Bottom's skyline. We see the series of houses that look like mufflers dumped in the water, the Sea Needle, and Mrs. Puff's boating school. The camera closes in on one house in particular where we see a happy couple having dinner, minding their own business.)

Fish wife: More kelp loaf dear?

Fish Husband: Thanks, dear. (he takes a slice. Suddenly, we hear a rushing of water and a square bodied fellow in a ski mask jumps in through their open window.)

Masked Square Figure: AAAAAHHHH!!!! I'M THE OPEN WINDOW MANIAC!!! WHOOOAAAAHHH!!!

Fish Couple: AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! (the run around like crazy, right into a wall and knock themselves out.)

(The Open Window Maniac goes and closes the window and then leaves.)

(Time lapse kicks in and now we see the same house, it's full night and dark, with several police boatmobiles around it and yellow crime scene tape.)

(Det. Mantaray Vega is standing outside the house as Nick Sturgeon and Haddock Brown approach.)

Haddock: What happened here?

Det. Vega: Couple called in a B&E, some square bodied idiot called the Open-Window Maniac. We tried to get over here sooner, but some IDIOT in a fake police officer's uniform did a bunch of bad traffice direction and caused a MASSIVE chain reaction accident. It took us hours to clear it up.

Nick: Anyone catch the idiot that did that?

Vega: Yeah--it was that kid Spongebob Squarepants. Turns out his Driving Teacher--that Puff lady, gave him the uniform for being a Hall Monitor and she took responsibility. She's in jail now.

Haddock: What happened here then?

Vega: You're the CSIs, you tell me!

(Camera cuts into the house and we see the couple with X's over their eyes, dead as doornails.)

Nick: Pack 'em in a tin can in vegetable oil and they'd be someone's lunch on some saltines.

(Graphics kick in CSI: Bikini Bottom, "Who are you?" by the Who kicks in. We see a montage of our favorite UnderSea-SIs. Final credits say "Created by Anthony Zuiker and Stephen Hillenberg.)
 
"Episode 4: The MANIAC!"

(Scene cuts through BBPD HQ where we see Spongebob in the interrogation room with Capt. Jim Bass.)

Bass: Spongebob, we understand that you meant well, but being a Hall Monitor is not the same as being a police officer. You caused a massive pile-up downtown and your open window stunt nearly got you arrested for murder.

Spongebob: I'm sorry Capt. Bass. I guess I just got carried away.

(Mrs. Puff is being brought in by Officers O'Malley and Fishbeck, in cuffs, being dragged in her curlers and nightgown.)

Mrs. Puff: I didn't do anything wrong! I swear! I only said Spongebob was my responsibility! I didn't mean I was responsible for his actions! ARRRGGGHHH!!!

O'Malley: Get moving! You're in for another stretech in the joint, Puff!!!

(Bass pauses a beat as Mrs. Puff is dragged off.)

Bass: Looks like Mrs. Puff is a repeat offender. (Shakes his head) Spongebob, is there anything you remembe after you jumped through the Marlins' open window?

Spongebob: They ran around, bumped into eachother and got knocked unconscious. I closed the window and then left them, locking the door on my way out.

Bass: That fits with the evidence. Don't leave town--we may bring you in for further questioning.

Spongebob: (Salutes) Aye-aye, Captain Bass!
 
(Scene cuts to the Conference room where we see the Night Shift having a start of shift meeting. Catfish Willows is running it--Gills Grunion and Sara Sailfish are noticably absent.)

Cat: Okay people. Grunion is at a forensics conference over in Rock Bottom with Sara so that puts me in charge. I need to know what cases you're working on and we need to make sure we've got priorities straight. Nick and Haddock: you both go first.

Nick: Double homicide following the Open Window Maniac and Hall Monitor pile up incident.

Haddock: Thus far, we've cleared our favorite Krusty Krab employee, but we're still processing evidence and trying to find new leads.

Cat: Stay on it then. I'm pulling Greg out of the lab to work with me on a series of break-ins that have taken place over on Nautica Drive. Thus far, they've hit a Shell Shack location, the vault at Barg-N-Mart, and Super Weenie Hut Jr's.

Greg Sandshark: Whoo hoo! I get to go in da field! YES!!!!

Cat: Don't get too excited yet, Lab-boy! There's a jewelry store--The House of Pearl--on that street. If they get hit, we're looking at a serious black eye on the face of the BBPD and the Crime Lab. We need to get on this hard and fast.

(Greg nods and then everyone disperses to take on their respective cases.)
 
(We see a quick cut over to Rock Bottom--that perpetually dark, city deep in an ocean trench. Gills Grunion and Sara Sailfish are walking with a very odd looking Anglerfish named Mac. "Baba O'Riley" plays in the background.)

Mac Angler: So Gills, THPPPTTTH! How're you liking the THPPPTTTH! conference so THPPPTTTH! far?

Grunion: I'm liking it just fine, but I'm having trouble understanding some of your team's accents!

Mac: Come THPPPTTTH! again?

Sara Sailfish: (gives Grunion a smart-ass look) He THPPPTTTH! said, He's having THPPPTTTH! trouble understanding THPPPTTTH! Rock Bottom accents THPPPTTTH!

Mac: Oh! Why didn't THPPPTTTH! you say THPPPTTTH! so! (Clears his throat, massages his tongue to calm it down, voice like Gary Sinise comes out) Is that better for you?

Grunion: Thanks, Mac. I don't get down to Rock Bottom that much, but trying to speak your tongue tickles me too much!

Mac: I know what you mean, Gills THPPPTTTH! Excuse me. You should have seen what happened one time when this square yellow Sponge-kid got stuck down here...

Sara: Boy, that Spongebob sure gets around!

(Scene cuts back to Bikini Bottom. Skyline shots kick around town, then close in on the House of Pearl jewelry store. The shot pans over to The Shell Shack where Greg is printing a cash register while Cat talks with the owner.)

Mr. Finson: It was TERRIBLE! Those lousy no-good bottomfeeders took all the cash in the register, blew open the vault and got all the backup drawers and worst of all, they stole my singing robot dog! WAAAHHHHH!!!!!

Cat: (To herself) This is gonna get UGLY!
 
Yey! I just found this a few days ago, and it's taken me awhile to read all of it, but i really love it! It's like mixing together two of my favorite shows. Very cool.
 
(Scene cuts to the Morgue. Dr. Al Bobfins has the Marlins on tables with David Fishlips assisting. Nick and Haddock are scrubbed in and wearing the typical gowns and rubber gloves.)

Dr. Bobfins: Jesse Marlin, middle-aged male, some hook damage around his lower lip and some loose scales. Typical for his age. Dead from a massive gunshot wound to the chest. (camera shows this and then recreation kicks in showing Jesse Alive then getting knocked back as the gunshot sounds off).

Nick: Shooter had to be using a sawed off shotgun at close range or he was carrying a massive handcannon.

Dr. Bobfins: Shotgun's correct. GSR, burn marks and many small lead pellets were found in the wound. (He moves over to the next table) Sally Marlin, middle-aged female, in good shape for a woman her age.

Haddock: You should talk, Doc.

Dr. Bobfins: (shoots Haddock a look) Cause of death, massive gunshot wound to the back, shattering her spine. (rolls her over. Recreation kicks in shows her running off and then getting knocked forward by a shotgun blast.)

Haddock: She tried to make a break for it and got nailed.

David Fishlips: Same kind of pellets, burns and GSR found in her wound. We've sent the items to Wendy Swimmins to run trace on them to confirm.

Haddock: We've also got scales that didn't match Sally or Jesse running through AFISc right now.

Dr. Bobfins: There's no way taht Squarepants kid could have done this. Even a sawed off shotgun would be too heavy for his weenie arms to hold up, much less aim and shoot.

Nick: Plus, there was no GSR on him or his clothes when he was taken in after the mess he caused. Nah... evidence doesn't put him there, and he has no motive to boot.

David Fishlips: Well, I'm going to lunch now. I suddenly have a craving for a Krabby Patty.

Haddock: (Shakes his head) It's amazing the strength your stomach develops after working in the Morgue.
 
(Scene cuts back over to the Anchor National Bank in Bikini Bottom--looks like a large barrel fashioned for a bank with a coin slot in the top. It looks like the metal band on one side of the barrel has been ruptured and money has leaked out. Camera closes in and we see Mr. Fisher, the Branch Manager outside with Catherine as Greg is trying to left prints from the building.)

Mr. Fisher: Whomever did this managed to get into the vault from the outside without tripping any sensors. We came in this morning and saw the rupture on the vault side of the building.

Catfish Willows: Have you experienced any other robberies recently?

Mr. Fisher: Not since the Dirty Bubble, Man Ray and Barnacleman teamed up 6 months ago. Thanksfully, Barnacle Boy went back to the good side and made The Dirty Bubble return the branch building.

Greg Sandshark: I saw that on TV! Barnacleboy turned EVIL!

(Off in the distance we hear the wail of Mermaidman)

Mermaidman: EEEE-VIIIIILLLL!!!!

Barnacleboy: Be quiet, ya old coot! I'm trying to sulk here!

Greg: And the Dirty Bubble surrounded this branch and floated it away.

Mr. Fisher: DON'T remind me of that! Do you realize WHY he's called the Dirty Bubble?

Greg: Because he was created by the flatulence of an irradiated Scuba Diver that had a bad case of the runs.

Cat: (looks at Greg quizzically) So he smells like....

Mr. Fisher: Poop and fart, yes. We're lucky none of us ended up floating to the surface with X's on our eyes!

Cat: Well, this clearly isn't the work of the Dirty Bubble. Have you had any employees fired or laid off recently?

Mr. Fisher: Not at all. We haven't had any turn-over for 2 years. Our staff has been very loyal and stable.

Greg: Any incidents with customers going crazy?

Mr. Fisher: (Thinks a minute) There was that incident last month with one customer that was angry about all the NSF fees he was charged. He has habitually overdrafted his account. We finally closed it and sold the debt to a collection agency. He came in yelling, screaming and cursing at the staff. I called BBPD and they sent a couple of uniforms and a detective O'Reefy. They hauled his screaming caripace out of here.

Greg: (To Cat) I'll call O'Reefy as soon as we're done gathering evidience.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top