CSI: Bikini Bottom

(We cut to Calleigh DuGong driving a UB/Spade PD Bummer S.U.B. on the highway from Ukulele Bottom to Bikini Bottom. Donny Dolphus is in the backseat with Spongebob and Patrick.)

Donny, Patrick and Spongebob: (Singing) Jingle Bells! Mermaidman smells! Barnacle Boy laid an egg! The Invisible Boatmobile lost a wheel and the Dirty Bubble got away, hey!

Calleigh: (To herself) And I thought that Ryan and Erik were annoying! UGH!!! Oh well, at least they've cheered up the poor kid...

(Spongebob, Patrick and Donny contintue to sing)

(Scene cuts back to Bikini Bottom where we see Bass in the shift ready room addressing a group of beat cops about to go on patrol)

Bass: Ladies and Gentlemen, pictures of our suspect in the murder over in Ukulele Bottom are being passed out along with your usual dossiers for start of shift. This shark is BAD NEWS. It looks like he murdered a couple of our citizens and stole the bus tickets of two more of our citizens while he was in Ukulele Bottom. This guy may be connected to the local Mafia for all we know. We need to make sure that we fan out as we do our jobs serving and protecting the citizens of Bikini Bottom.

Officer O'Mally: Bass, we'll bring in that scum bag!

Other officers: Yeah!

Bass: That's the spirit. Okay then.... (Everyone starts to get up, then Bass holds up his fin...) Wait a minute--hold up everyone. (The officers stop moving and all look at Bass has he holds a dramatic pause) Let's all be careful out there. Dismissed.

(The officers nod and mumble assent and then head out on patrol.)
 
(Scene cuts back to the Crime Lab computer room where Sara Sailfish has finally hit paydirt. We see her nod her head confidently, print a couple of pages off the printer and then takes off for Grunion's office.)

(Grunion is perusing a few reports in some folders at his desk when Sara Sailfish comes in.)

Sara: I've got a match on that tattoo! It's the logo of a Shark Prison Gang--the Anchorheads. The Anchor shows up with blood on the points and the member's gang name is on the crossbar.

Grunion: Tell me more.

Sara: I went through the parole records for Underseagate Prison where that gang is located and found that there were two members of the Anchorheads that were paroled out three years ago under old manditory release laws that got repealed last year. One was named Chum Encumclaw--he was found dead in an old shipwreck 9 months ago. His tattoo was ripped off his arm. The other one, Bruce Potenteeth, had the nickname Subsinker and he got a job working for Boulabase construction.

Grunion: Good work, Sara. Did you contact his parole officer.

Sara: I did. Bruce's P.O. indicated he hasn't reported to him in 6 months. Nobody has been able to find him or pick him up.

Grunion: I'll get this to Bass. We're getting closer to nailing this bottomfeeder to the wall!
 
(Scene cuts to Bass' office as he reviews what Grunion's provided him.)

Bass: Another visit to Boulabase Construction?

Grunion: Jim, I know that look. I know what you're thinking. I know you're going with your gut, but we have to follow the evidence. Bruce Potenteeth has been ID as our prime suspect and he was employed there. That doesn't mean that we have anything on Sam Boulabase.

Bass: Maybe not anything forensic, but there are dots I can connect that say he's in on it. Donald Dolphus owed a bunch of money to bookmaking outfit due to sports betting. Everyone knows that Sam Boulabase is up to his gills in the sportsbooks around here!

Grunion: It's not up to us to prove guilt or innocense. It's up to us to get the evidence that leads to the truth. I'm not saying you're wrong Jim. I'm just saying we don't have what we need to prove that you're right.

Bass: (sarcastically) And ain't that just peachy. I'll get with Judge Scales for the warrant for any documentation has on Brucie-boy. Maybe we'll get lucky and interrupt Ham Dorsally on another (makes quotes with his fins) *conference call.*

(Bass starts to get up when Grunion's shell phone rings)

Grunion: (answers his phone) Gills Grunion.

Voice on the phone: Gills, it's Cat. I just got paged in to go help on a murder scene. It's related to the Dolphus case.

Grunion: How so?

Cat: (Video cuts over to the murder scene and the camera pans over to show what she's describing) DB is a huge Shark with a tatoo of an Anchor that says "Sub-sinker" on it. He was found with a case that looked like it held a pool-cue in it, but instead had a rusty harpoon with blood on it.

Grunion: Bass and I are coming out to help you. (Hangs up the phone.)

Bass: Now YOU'VE got that look, Grunion. The look when something bad has happened that's gonna mess up a case.

Grunion: Our suspect is now a victim.
 
(Time cut--we see the DB of Bruce Potenteeth being wheeled into Dr. Bobfins' morgue. The camera gets a good catch of the anchor tattoo with the words "Sub-Sinker" on it. Catfish Willows is seen off to the side giving bags of evidence to a couple of Lab-fish to go run trace. A couple of uniformed cops are in the hallway talking various gibberish and then Grunion and Bass come into the morgue.)

Grunion: I wanted to be sure we were here for the autopsy.

Dr. Bobfins: I'm just about to start. You know may want to put on a gown and your eyeshields.

(Bass and Grunion do as told while Dr. Bobfins pulls back the sheet and we see a massive hole, the size of a cannonball through Bruce's chest. Dr. Bobfins takes a couple of temperature readings and shakes his head.)

Dr. Bobfins: COD is obvious. His spine was torn to shreds, his heart, lungs and most of his liver are gone. I can't even make an educated TOD since there's not enough liver for me to take a temp reading.

Bass: Pardon me if I don't shed any tears for this scu.

Grunion: Cat is having Codges run trace on the harpoon. Greg's got scales off of him and is checking for a match with the scales found on the vics back in Ukulele Bottom. Obviously, Bruce died of a projectile impact through and through to his upper thoracic cavity, but no such projectile was found.

Dr. Bobfins: Based upon the green crusty flecks all throughout the wound, I'd say it was a big, Brass cannonball.

Bass: Boy, would I like to be the guy that set that one off!

(Sara Sailfish raps on the doorjamb to signal her presence.)

Sara: Ms. DuGong from UP/Spade PD is here along with the vic's son and a couple of familiar faces....

Grunion: Thanks, Sara. Can you get a camera and take a picture of the DB here real fast--Donny, Spongebob and Patrick will have to ID if he's the one who murdered Donny's parents and robbed Spongebob and Patrick.

Sara: On it! (She pulls out her digital camera and snaps pictures of the face and the muscular fin of Bruce Potenteeth. We see the pics as they're snapped. Sara then departs.)

Bass: Obviously Bruce was no longer useful to whomever wanted Donald Dolphus dead, so they unloaded him from their payroll in a permanent way.

Grunion: We need to find out who was his benefactor. Barnacles!!!
 
(Scene cuts over to the interview room, where we see Spongebob, Patrick and Donny looking over the pictures.)

Spongebob: Yep, that's the guy that pistol whipped us and took our bus tickets.

Patrick: That picture is SCARY! AAAAAAHHH!!!!

(Spongebob closes the folder, then Patrick stops screaming. Then he opens it again!)

Patrick: AAAAAHHHH!!! Don't show me that again.

(Spongebob closes it. Then opens it again.)

Patrick: AAAAAHHHH!!! AHHHHH!!!!

(Spongebob closes it. Then opens it again.)

Patrick: AAAAAHHHH!!! AHHHHH!!!!

(Bass yanks the folder away from Spongebob)

Spongebob: Sorry, Capt. Bass.

Bass: Thank you boys, for giving us positive ID on the robber.

(A squid woman wearing a Social Services ID comes in.)

Squid Woman: Katrina Inker, Dept. of Social Services. I'm here for a Donny Dolphus.

Donny: That's me, ma'am.

Katrina Inker: I'm so sorry you've been through this horrible ordeal, son. While we're clearing the background checks on your Uncle and Aunt, we're going to have you stay with a Foster Guardian for the night. He's waiting outside.

Donny: (sighs) Okay, ma'am.

(Mr. Krabs and Pearl come on in.)

Pearl: Hey Donny! I know you've had a rough time, but dad and I are gonna take good care of you until the authorities will send you to your Uncle's house.

Donny: Wait a minute. You're a whale and your dad is a Crab! How can that be?

Mr. Krabbs: Donny me boy, Pearl was a foster child herself until I adopted her. Trust good ol' Mr. Krabbs--I know just how to take care of aquatic mammals.

Katrina Inker: Let's go over to another room and finish the paperwork. (The four exit the interview room.)

Spongebob: Good ol' Mr. Krabbs. Who knew he was a foster-parent?

Bass: He probably also likes the checks the Dept. of Social services sends him...
 
(Time lapse kicks in as late afternoon turns into full night. We find Calleigh DuGong in the Laboratory with Greg Sandshark comparing notes on trace they've evaluated.)

Greg: At best I can say it's some kind of vegitation residue that's found around brackish waters and salt flats.

Calleigh: I understand why you couldn't do better, Greg. However, Ukulele Bottom is brackish waters, salt flats, coastal marsh and beach. This stuff here is decomposed peat moss. Notice how it glows when I hold it under the ALS.

(Scene shows it start to glow in a weird green color with a closeup.)

Calleigh: As it decomposes, it releases a mixture of methane and phosphorous. It creates a weird glow after long-term exposure to UV radiation.

Greg: Of course! Swamp gas! There was an episode of Mermaidman and Barnacle Boy where some crook was using swap gas to scare everyone away from some site they'd buried their loot. Made the general public think there were UFOs and aliens there!

Calleigh: (Pauses a beat and looks unsure as to whether she's impressed or going to roll her eyes at how Nerdy Greg is....) I know guy named Ryan Poolf back at UB/Spade that you'd get along with....

Greg: Sorry, but I don't swing that way. Anyway, this trace that was in the wound of the hitman means there was a counter-hit from someone from back in your area...

(Calleigh grabs her shell phone and hits her speed dial.)

(The scene cuts back to the UB/Spade Crime Lab where Horatio Crane's shell phone rings and he picks up.)

Horatio: Calleigh--how are our compatriots in Bikini Bottom doing?

Calleigh: Better than our night shift, Horatio. I think that Erik and Ryan need to check some of the old Mammal Noché hideouts in the Swamps northewest of the city. Check for recent activity in areas where there's been recent rotting peat moss and swamp gas.

Horatio: I'll do it. One other thing, someone from Bikini Bottom Social Services called up our department about a fellow whose name rings a bell....

Calleigh: Really?

Horatio: His name was Ray Dolphus...

Calleigh: Same last name as the vics.

Horatio: Bingo. He's apparently Donny's uncle. However, he has a rap sheet here for illegal betting... on sports. He was also in real deep to a couple of Mammal Noché bigwigs for 200 large.

Calleigh: Capt. Bass indicated that Ray claimed his brother Donald was in deep for some bad bets.

Horatio: Please go... tell the good Captain otherwise. I have a feeling... that Ray is the boy's guardian per Donald's will and has control... of any life insurance money... until the boy is of age.

(The two hang up and Calleigh DuGong heads over to the front desk to have Bass paged.)
 
(Time lapse kicks in again and we see one of the many neighborhoods of Bikini Bottom where folks are trimming their kelp trees, hanging out on their patios and otherwise enjoying a peaceful afternoon. Suddenly, we hear a bunch of Sirens and 4 police boatmobiles all pull in front of one house that looks like a green and gold painted car muffler planted in the ground. Capt. Jim Bass leads the charge to the front door with Officers O'Malley and Finch behind him with a battering ram.)

Bass: (Bangs on the door with his maglite) BB Police Dept. OPEN UP!!!

(The door opens and we see a rather homely, motherly type dolphin woman answer the door in an apron)

Dolphin woman: (Voice like Edie McClurg) Oh my stars and garters! What are all you fine officers doing here?

Bass: We have a warrant to search your residence and we're looking for Ray Dolphus. Are you his wife?

Dolphin Woman: Why yes indeedie doo! I'm Dolores Dolphus. Ray's over in the Garage. (Calls towards the garage, sing-song) Raaaayyy! Snookum-cake! These nice policemen want to talk to yooooou!!!

(Suddenly the garage door opens, prompting all the officers to draw their weapons.)

Bass: Ray Dolphus! Come out with your fins up!!!

(A boatmobile screeches out of the garage, nearly running over a couple of uniformed fish officers, bashes up a couple of their boatmobiles and then takes off. Bass, O'Malley and Perch jump into one of the undamaged police boats and take off after him.)

Dolores Dolphus: Oh my goodness! Why was my snookum cake so much in a hurry?

(Catfish Willows shows up with Greg Sandshark and Calleigh DuGong, holding a copy of the warrant Bass tried to serve.)

Cat: Mrs. Dolphus, I'm sorry, but your husband is now the prime suspect in the murder of his brother and sister in law. I'll need you to go with this uniformed officer and wait.

(Dolores complies and walks off with the uniformed officer chattering away. Two other uniformed officers go inside the Dolphus home and clear the scene so the CSI's can go in and work.)

Cat: Greg, go check the garage. Bring our friend from Ukulele Bottom with you. I'll check the main house.

Greg: But she's not part of the Bikini Bottom crime lab!

Calleigh: Actually, your boss Gills Grunion got Judge Welk to certify me as a consulting CSI on this investigation based upon my credentials and in the spirit of cooperation between our two departments.

Cat: Plus, she knows what kind of residue to look for on any weapons that might be in the garage.
 
(The scene cuts back to the car chase and Ray Dolphus is giving Bass & co. a run for their money. Sirens screech as they speed down the Coral Highway.)

Bass: We gotta watch out! He might hurt an innocent civilian!!!

(The chase continues when suddenly we see Mrs. Puff's Boating school ahead. The camera zooms in on Spongebob once again taking his driver's license test.)

Spongebob: So, I hit the brake?

Mrs. Puff: No, Spongebob. Ease on the gas?

Spongebob: (Nervously) Oh-kay...

(He floors it. The boat goes wild all over the test track.)

Mrs. Puff: (Frantically) SPONGEBOB! NO!!!! HIT THE BRAKE!!!

Spongoebob: You want me to break the boatmobile? Okay!

Mrs. Puff: AAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIYYYYYYYWEEEEEEEEE!!!

(Spongeob inadventantly knocks down some plywood so it goes up to the track wall like a ramp. Spongebob his the gas and the boat takes off over the wall at a decent altitude.)

Mrs. Puff: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Spongebob: SOOOOOORRRRRYYYYYY!!!!

(At that point, the police chase is right in front of Mrs. Puff's boating school.)

Ray Dolphus: You'll never get me now, Coppers!!!

(Suddenly, there's a huge crashing sound as Spongebob's boatmobile lands on the hood of Ray Dolphus'. )

Ray Dolphus: What in Neptune's name is this?!??!!

(The crash causes airbags to deploy and Mrs. Puff to inflate. Both boatmobiles grind to a stop and the police catch up. Capt. Bass and Officers O'Malley and Finch pull up with other police cars behind them.)

Bass: (Sees the crash site and spots Spongebob) Well whaddaya know! (Rushes over to Ray Dolphus' boatmobile with cuffs and drags him out of it.) Ray Dolphus, you are to be taken into custody as a person of interest in the murder of your brother, Donald Dolphus and his wife. (O'Malley and Finch then cart him off, as he looks dazed.)

Mrs. Puff: (Still inflated) Detective Bass, have you radiod for the ambulance to come take me to Weenie Hut General Hospital so I can be deflated?

Bass: Yes, Mrs. Puff. (Turns to Spongebob) Spongebob! Great work! You helped stop the suspect for us!

Spongebob: I did?

Bass: You sure did, kid! Your lucky accident also helped stop him from running down an innocent civilian. You're a hero, Spongebob! A real hero!

Spongebob: (Thrilled) Really!!!! Oh my gosh! Thank you Captain Bass. (The two shake hands/fins )
 
(The scene cuts to the interrogation room where Ray Dolphus is sitting in shackles and wearing the orange jumpsuit we usually see prisoners wear. His attorney, Richard A. Bottomfeeder is present and holding his briefcase. Det. Bass and Catfish Willows come in with a stack of documents.)

Bass: So Ray, are y ou ready to tell us anything.

Bottomfeeder: (Southern accent somewhat mocking of William Jennings Bryan from Inherit the Wind) Mah client has already told ya'll he's innocent and had nothing to do with his brothah's murder.

Cat: That's okay, Mr. Bottomfeeder. He doesn't need to say anything. The evidence has alreadyd one all the talking.

Bottomfeeder: Ah highly DOUBT that!

Bass: Your client was in Ukulele Bottom earlier the same week that his brother and his family were there on vacation.

(Recreation kicks in with the usual washed-out film effects)

Bass: When Ray ran into Donald, he begged his brother for money to pay off the Bookie he'd gotten into dutch with that turned out to be part of the Mammal Noché organized crime group.

(Scene shows Ray being threatened by a Mammal Noché rat-thug, then meeting with Donald and being refused.)

Cat: Our friend in Ukulele Bottom found fish scales they ran through AFISc that matched your client. He has a rap sheet for illegal gambling and check fraud for which he pled out and got probation.

Bottomfeeder: So what? That doesn't make him guilty of murder.

Bass: What does make him guilty of solicitation of capital murder and first degree murder are three different key pieces of evidence: First, we have a Cashier's check bought by Ray Dolphus from Ukulele Bottom Bank made payable to Bruce Potenteeth for 25,000 clams. That check turned out to be an altered check because UBB indicates it was bought for $25.00. That fits your clients MO on his old charges. Second, his scales were found in parts of the vehicle and on the jugular region of the necks of the victims. He was making sure they were dead. Third, we found gas station tickets from Ukulele Bottom Oil, and County Line gas just outside of Bikini Bottom eight hours apart with the first one being 20 minutes after approximate Time of Death.

Bottomfeeder: (Yawns) ALL circumstantial, Capt. Bass. Is that ALL you have?

(Cat makes a hand signal and Calleigh Du Gong enters along with Horatio Crane, wearing an air helmet and two uniformed Ukulele Bottom Otter Officers.)

Calleigh: Our compatriots here in Bikini Bottom found this weapon (pulls out a rusty harpoon from a bag with her gloved hands) in Mr. Dolphus' garage. This weapon was used by Bruce Potenteeth to murder his brother and sister in law, and was used to murder Potenteeth himself two days later. We know it's the same weapon because rotting peat moss reeking of swamp gas were found on the weapon, Potenteeth's body and on some clothes Mr. Dolphus had dumped in his laundry basket back at his house.

Horatio: The fact that you... Mr. Dolphus... took out a 1 Million Clam life insurance policy on your brother... and were the designated trustee... on your nephew's inheritance... gives you motive to kill him... and pay off your debts... to the Mammal Noché.

Ray: GRRRR!!! I can't believe you figured it out!!!

Bass: We'll take that as a confession.

Bottomfeeder: Whoops! Look at the time! I have to be in court. I'll call ya, Ray! (he exits hastily)
 
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