From the Monologues

WHEEWWW, isn't this brutal? horrible, at least we have casinos to go relieve the "HEAT" what do you guys do?

"How about that Britney Spears? she wanted a dog, so she went out and bought a dog...$3,000 dog. Seems like that's alot of money, but it's not just a dog, it's a designated driver, and a baby sitter" David letterman

"It has been reported that Paris Hilton's new boyfriend is a T-shirt designer. He's the guy who designed the T-shirt "I'm With Skanky" Conan O'Brien

"John McCain's communications director has quit. McCain had no comment because his communications director quit :lol: Jay Leno

"President Bush announced a new campaign to solve conflict between the Israelis and the Palestinians, when asked why Bush said "It's fun to work on a problem I didn't cause" Conan O'Brien

"Last night in D.C. they had an all-night session, in the Senate. It was the D.C Madam's slowest night ever" David Letterman

 

"Britney Spears and her mother got into a slap fight. It got so bad, the baby pulled over and stopped the car" David Letterman

"A couple getting married las Friday night, said they're going to leave their wedding reception early so they can be among the first people to buy the new Harry Potter book. As a result, the back of the newlyweds car is a bumper sitcker that says "Just losers" Conan O' Brien

"President Bush had his physical over the weekend..he had a colonoscopy, in order to pay for the procedure, Bush had to pretend to marry a fireman" David Letterman

"Saturday when Bush had his procedure, it was performed by Speaker of the house Nancy Pelosi" :devil: Jay Leno

 

There are Indian casinos on the reservations! not that I can get into them...you have no idea how many pools there are here though. :lol:

 

I went to Indian Casinos when I lived in San Diego, although they were on the outskirts of town,, really far away and there's zillions of pools here too

"It got a little testy at the debates the other night when Barack Obama said he would be willing to meet with the leaders of countires hostile to the U.S., then Hillary Clinton accused Barack of being "naive" that's what she said 'naive'. Is this the same woman who thought Bill Clinton would 'forsake all others til' death do you part" Jay Leno

"President Bush after getting his colonoscopy last weekend, had it at Camp David, because he saw the movie "Sicko" and didn't want to go to a hospital" Jay Leno

"Starbucks announced they're raising their prices. You know why" because they can..They said it's because the price of milk has gone up, really? when did cows get a raise.. did they get one?" Jay Leno

 

"There's a brand new book about Dick Cheney. It's a very intimate portrait of Cheney's life. It's called "Tuesday's with Meanie" :lol: Jay Leno

'Over the weekend the Iraqi soccer team won the Asian Cup. Bud Selig was in the stands" David Letterman

"The new prime minister of Great Britain Gordon Brown met with Pres. Bush over the weekend and he praised Bush's leadership. Afterward, even Bush said "That guy's hiliarious" Conan O'Brien

 

"Latest on the campaign. It was reported that things are going so badly for Sen. John McCain that he has to carry his own luggage. Meanwhile, things are going so badly for Dennis Kucinich's campaign, he has to carry Barack's Obama's luggage" Conan O'Brien

"The new prime minister of England Gordon Brown secretly met with Bill Clinton today. Bt the was, it was Bill Clinton's 7th secret meeting of the day" Conan O'Brien

"They're saying in Graceland they're gong to add a giant Visitor's Center and a high tech museum. I'm worried they're going to make it tacky" Craig Ferguson

"It seems the little tiff between Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton has really heated up, their last argument in the last Democrat debate. They have become distant. They barely speak to each other, when they do speak, it's really icy, as Hillary calls it 'marriage' Jay Leno

 

"It got so hot today in New York City that Dick Cheney shot a buddy with a Super Soaker" :lol: David Letterman

"The big story in wahsington D.C...not the war in Iraq, not Alberto Gonzales lying to Congress..not healthcare..the big story everyone is talking about is Hillary Clinton showing a little cleavage. It's amazing isn't it? The United States is 231 years old, but apparently the media is only 13" Jay Leno

 

"It was another beautiful day here, I almost feel guilty since the weather on the East Coast is so meserable. But really, when you're laying by the pool, who cares?" Jimmy Kimmel

"Not such a great day for Donald Trump. His casinos are losing money. How does a casino lose money? Craig Ferguson

"A new study found that angry men get ahead in the world. Angry men tend to beat their rivals for power. Finally some good news for John McCain" Jay Leno

"The Hooters restuarant chain has announced that they may open up a Hooters in the Muslim city of Dubai. Right next to Thank God it's Fatwah" :lol: Conan 'Brien

"According to Glamour magazine, 83% of women tell their friends secrets to their husbands. So women, if you tell your girlfriend something, 83% chance she'll tell her husband. But the good news, 100% of the men aren't listening anyway" Jay Leno

 

"It was so hot in Washington, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales got delirious and almost started telling the truth" Jay Leno

"It was so hot in North Carolina, even John Edwards had a bad hair day" Jay Leno

"Smokey the Bear turns 47 today, I never trusted Smokey the Bear, kids if you see a bear wearing a ranger's hat, it's because he ate the ranger" Craig Ferguson

 

"Presidential candidate Mitt Romney was asked to explain why none of his five sons are in the military, and he said his sons demonstrate their patriotism by going on the road with him. Now, there's a tough choice, Iraq, or Iowa, Fallujah or Cedar Rapids? Honey, what do you think?" Jay Leno

"It was so hot in North Carolina, even John Edwards had a bad hair day" :lol: Jay Leno

"Another Democrat debate, I don't want to say it did bad in the ratings, but it had so few viewers, that is was declared and NBC primetime show" Jay Leno

"A group of investors announced they plan an opening a hotel in space/ A weekend stay will cost $4 million. It will cost you another million to eat a Snickers from the mini-bar" Conan O'Brien

 

"The weight of Hurricane Flossie is bearing down on Hawaii. This storm is so hugh that already FEMA is making preparations to ignore it" Craig Feerguson

"The presidential advisor Karl Rove, announced he';s resiging. I was suprrised. I didn't think anyone in the White House had a exit strategy" Craig Ferguson

"Karl Rove has been called Bush's brain. I don't really know if that's a compliment" Craig Ferguson

"Suri Cruise, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes daughter, has landed a modeling contract for Baby Gap. She beat out a lot of other pint-sized hopefuls, including her father" :lol: Craig Ferguson

 

"The government announced a new operation to crack down in hiring illegas here in Los Angeles. It's called Operation You're Going to Have to Cut Your Own Lawn and Raise YOur Own Kids" Jay Leno

"The election is still a year away and we've had 90 debates so far. We've whittled it down to 690 candidates" Conan O'Brien

"The Statue of Liberty's crown may reopen. Most of her body has been closed to the public, Oh, no wait, that's Condoleezza Rice" David Letterman

"Karl Rove stepped down this week. He said he wants to spend more tiome with his loved ones. I think I speak for everyone when I say, Karl Rove, has loved ones :lol: Craig Ferguson

"Madonna gives millions to charity, has done lots of benefits..her greatest gift, of course, to mankind...that she promised never to make a movie again" Craig ferguson

 

"The race for the White House is really heating up. Hillary Clinton made a very important speech today. She said that she favors early withdrawal, and she also wants to troops out of Iraq" Craig Ferguson

"Did you see the democrat debates? The loser of the debate was taken out back and drowned by Michael Vick David Letterman

"Not such a great day for the filming industry. Filming on Yom Cruise's new movie stopped after 11 people had been injured. They tripped over a tiny object...Tom Cruise" Craig Ferguson

 

"Depression hits losers the hardest" Conan O'Brien

"White House Secret Service Agent Anthony Panucci is being called a hero after intercepting what could have been a critically damaging question aimed at Bush during a press conference in the Rose Garden "I just followed what I was supposed to do...put myself between the president and irreparable harm" said Panucci

 

"Speaking at a forum organized by Lance Armstrong on cancer research, Hillary Clinton told Chris Matthewes that if she were elected president, she would declare war on cancer, then she would support the war on cancer for two years, then she would be against it for a year, then she would back out of it all together" Jay Leno

"Gay groups are calling Idaho Sen. Larry Craig a hycpocrite because he was a staunch opponent of gay marriage. Craig denied he's a hypocrite, saying "Hey, I wasn't trying to marry the cop in the bathroom" Conan O' Brien