Quotes you WON'T hear - Pt 2

(Talking to a psychiatrist about his many problems.)

Nick: And I was held at gunpoint twice by psychos...

Psychiatrist: Yes, I know.

Nick: ...I swear i didnt kill that stripper!

Psychiatrist: MM-HMM

Nick: ...And then my babysitter when I was younger...

Psychiatrist: YES, I know, Mr. Stokes.

Nick: ...And then my best friend for ever and ever died...

Psychiatrist: Yes, Yes. (Begins to fill out another prescription)

Nick: What do I DO!?

Psychiatrist: Take 3 of these every day. Don't mix them with the others I've given you.

Nick: Are they shaped like dinosaurs? You know I only like the dinosaur shaped ones!

Psychiatrist: Only for you, Mr. Stokes.
 
(Nick comes riding up a beach on an ATV while Ronnie Lake and Mandy Webster are pushing a large crate, wearing pink polka dotted short-shorts and matching tube tops)

Ronnie: I feel itchy do you feel itchy?

Mandy: Mine feels more like it's burning!

(The camera zooms in on their rear ends by their shorts and we see the skin poking out is really red)

Nick: You guys are behind. Like, WAYYYY Behind!

Ronnie: I, like HAVE to scratch.

Mandy: Me too! I don't get why we're so itchy!

Wendy: When you guys went to pee in the woods, did you squat down to pee?

Ronnie & Mandy: Yes.

Wendy: Did you happen to squat over some oval shaped leaves, low to the ground?

Ronny & Mandy: Yes.

Wendy: You guys squatted on POISON IVY! HEE HEE HEE!

(They both get down on the sand and start scooting around on their butts)

Ronnie & Mandy: OH NO! WHAT DO WE DO?!??!

Nick: NO WAY! That is just AWESOME! HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!
 
Hankster said:
(Queen Latifah is making a guest appearance on CSI as a visiting CSI from Oakland assisting with a case. She walks up and greets everyone warmly and then Greg steps up to her with a smile.)

Greg: I've never seen a CSI like YOU before.

Queen L: EXCUSE me?!?!?!

Greg: You're really big... AND LOUD!

Queen L: WHAT DID YOU SAY? Oh NO YOU DIDN'T!

(Grissom, Nick and Warrick are having to hold her back while Greg is doing fake karate poses to try to protect himself)

Grissom: Okay everyone! Settle down! Settle down!

(Queen L and Greg calm down a bit and stand next to everyone to get Grissom's instructions. Greg looks at her and smiles with a twinkle in his eyes!)
Click to expand...

ROTFLMAO!!!!
 
Elayne said:
Grissom playfully slaps Hodges on the back. "Don't worry, Dave," Grissom says. "As long as I'm head of graveyard shift, your official job title will be Emperor Of The Lab and you'll be paid three times as anyone else in the lab."
Click to expand...

ROFL...I'm getting images of the King of the Lab running joke from 'Bones'.

Grissom: Alas poor Warrick, I knew him Horatio...wait, Horatio? what is he doing here? This is a Vegas case.
H *takes off sunnies* There are...ties my friend. We have...a case together.
Grissom *runs off screaming* ahhhh! Sunglasses....one liners...hummer!!!
 
Grissom decides to hire Ceasar Milan, The Dog Whisperer to find a way to have a more harmonious relationship with Nick.

Milan: Mr. Grissom, I zink da problem here is dat you need to exert calm-assertive energy to Nick here. Remember you are the pack leader, and Nick is the trouble maker of your pack.

Grissom: Yes, I would agree.

Pats a confused Nick on the shoulder.

Milan: You see, Nick is not balanced.

Nick: I'm balanced!

Milan: No you're not Nick, you're not balanced. You've been through a lot of stuff that has turned you into a very aggressive, angry CSI-we must find a way to make you more balanced.

Grissom: He's right Nick, you're not balanced, you're mentally unbalanced, it's okay Nick we can deal with it.

Nick stares at the men with a WTF look

Milan: So, therefore, I think you need to make sure he gets good nutrition, affection and discipline.

Grissom: Can I do two out of three, I don't do affection.

Milan: It's a start, but first I'll show you a technique to exert your pack leadership.

Grabs Nick, pins him down to the floor, Nick snarls and kicks but Milan has got a good hold on him.

Milan: This is how you show your dominance, Mr. Grissom, make sure he knows your dat pack leader. This is how it is done in the dog world.

Nick: GET OFF ME..

Grissom comes over and holds Nick down.

Milan: Remember, calm-assertive energy Mr. Grissom, this is how you'll get Nick to be a more, balanced, happy, a calm submissive CSI


Nick is still kicking and screaming: GET OF ME!!

Milan: This will take a while, he's very unbalanced and is exhibiting signs of aggression..as he is trying to challange your pack leadership Mr. Grissom.

Nick: I'll show you aggression.

He bites the dog whisperer who scruffs and holds him down.

Milan: Calm-Assertive energy

Grissom sits on Nick's legs: Calm-assertive energy, gotcha...
 
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Grissom: What is your name?
The Who: Who are you… who who… who who…
Suspect: (looks around for musicians): I am Sherlock Holmes.
The Who: We won’t get fooled again. No no.
Suspect: Who’s singing?
Grissom: That’s right, it’s The Who. Don’t mind them. They always follow us around. Now, give me your real name.
Suspect: Maybe my name is Tommy.
The Who: He’s a Pinball Wizard.
Suspect: Yeah. That’s it. I’m innocent. You can’t prove a thing.
The Who: I get my back into my living…
Brass: *groan* He’s not talking.
Grissom: The evidence will convict him.
The Who: I know you've deceived me, now here's a surprise
I know that you have 'cause there's magic in my eyes
I can see for miles and miles and miles and miles and miles
Oh yeah
Grissom: Oh, shut up, Daltrey. I knew we should have gotten the Monkees.
The Monkees: Here we come, walking down the street…
 
(Greg is leaving the lab with his bags, apparently he has been fired.)

Greg: Farewell Las Vegas Metro Police Department Crime Lab! I loved, I lost, and I SAW BOOBIES! What more could a man ask for?

Sara: (Surprised) You LOVED?!?!?

Wendy: (Surprised) You're a man?!?!?

Ronnie: (Surprised) You saw BOOBIES?!?!?!?
 
Hankster said:
(Greg is leaving the lab with his bags, apparently he has been fired.)

Greg: Farewell Las Vegas Metro Police Department Crime Lab! I loved, I lost, and I SAW BOOBIES! What more could a man ask for?

Sara: (Surprised) You LOVED?!?!?

Wendy: (Surprised) You're a man?!?!?

Ronnie: (Surprised) You saw BOOBIES?!?!?!?
Click to expand...

BWHAHA! Too good!:guffaw:
 
That same BBQ myfutureCSI mentioned but a little different.... ;)

Catherine: Wow, Grissom that was some excellent meat
Nick: Yeah brilliant man...
Sara *looks around* Wasn't Ecklie supposed to be here
Grissom *points at BBQ* He is...
 
^

After the barbacue..

Nick shrugs: Well he came into my barber shop and I just had to kill him..sorry..that homicidal part of me that I keep WELL HIDDEN...just popped out.."

Grissom : Well we got rid of Ecklie, so whose next..

Nick(With a gleam in his eye, razor in hand and cockney English accent): How's about a shave Grissom?
 
myfuturecsi said:
^

After the barbacue..

Nick shrugs: Well he came into my barber shop and I just had to kill him..sorry..that homicidal part of me that I keep WELL HIDDEN...just popped out.."

Grissom : Well we got rid of Ecklie, so whose next..

Nick(With a gleam in his eye, razor in hand and cockney English accent): How's about a shave Grissom?
Click to expand...

Love the Sweeney Todd association there :p *pictures Cath as Mrs Lovett*....
 
From an ad appearing in all Nevada papers:

WANTED: experienced law enforcement officer to fill unexpected vacancy in Clark County Sheriff's Department. Must have NO ties to organized crimes.
 
These are so great!
I'm so glad this thread was revived. It brightens up my day during IT class :lol:

Here's a random one...
Greg: Hodges, wanna screw?
 
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