CSI Fan Fiction Critique Group.

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by lostladyknight, Sep 30, 2007.

  1. Zelda49

    Zelda49 Rookie

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    I'm seriously impressed, too--I didn't even know which story we featured, and when I checked there were already 2 critiques up. I'll wait til they're all in, though, before I comment on them.

    Welcome racefh853629! Six months of coersion isn't so bad... :guffaw:
     
  2. lostladyknight

    lostladyknight Pathologist

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    The FCG has only been alive for six months...

    :D


    But I do love Racefh! Totally worth the wait to have her here. She's a writer after my own heart.
     
  3. racefh853629

    racefh853629 Pathologist

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    Yes, because I'm evil. :devil:

    Thanks for the warm welcome, Zelda! :D
     
  4. Kazalene

    Kazalene Rookie

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    Okay I'm also new to this so here goes...

    TQ: It's strange but the older the work is, the more trouble I have actually reading it. So much so that I get to the point where I have to force myself to read it but when I do, there isn't anything that I'd want to change, because if I did that then it destroys the development of how you got from one idea/story to the next and the improvements that you make when you sit down to write a new piece of work. I've never found myself wanting to redo anything, just sometimes want to run from it thinking "Just what on earth possessed me to write that!?" but mostly it just makes me want to do something new and different in an attempt to better myself/my writing.

    Onto the critique...
    First off, I'm not too familiar with CSI: LV so I can't really say anything about the characterisation (although Amanda has done an awesome job about that already), but that doesn't mean that I can't appreciate how well written this fic was.

    Likes:
    I liked the inclusion of an original character - not just because it meant that I wasn't expected to know her history - but also because I felt like I got to know her as the story progressed. They way you wrote it in the first person really helped with that and made it scarily real; not something that could have been done in the third person I don't think.

    The angst in this fic was another plus, (I don't think that there is anyone who doesn't appreciate at least some form of angst, however small the amount) and you dealt with it brilliantly. I could feel all the emotions, the fear, the anger and the love as well, and even though I don't know the other characters very well, the way you wrote gave me a glimpse into their psyche too and actually made me want to start watching the original CSI a LOT more often. I think that's a seriously amazing feat.

    The breakdown was intense too which only added to the realism and enhanced the depth of the emotions displayed throughout the story. Seriously, GREAT job.

    Dislikes:
    This one's harder because obviously there is a gap in my knowledge here but to be honest, I don't think that I'd find anything even if I was a huge fan of Las Vegas. I have this checklist in my mind when I read a story for the first time; does the fic make me feel? Do I like the style of writing? Can I imagine this happening...etc? You ticked all of them :) Perhaps the only thing that you could have done differently was maybe to have included a part where we get to see/feel what Nick himself is going through but really, the story is brilliant as it is.
     
  5. Amanda_Ruth

    Amanda_Ruth Witness

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    For your first critique, that was really good, Kazalene! It's nice to have some new faces to the FCG! It's been a while... and now I'm no longer the newbie ;) An extreme warm welcome to you and racefh853629. Don't worry, there aren't any hazing rituals, I promise! At least... they didn't haze me... LLK?!
     
  6. Kazalene

    Kazalene Rookie

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    haha, glad to hear it and thank you :)
     
  7. Finch

    Finch Funnier in Enochian Super Moderator

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    Jodie, taking the time out to head the FCG while LLK was indisposed was hugely appreciated! :) I know I didn't critique much but I did read everything, so thanks!

    And welcome racefh853629!

    TQ:
    As writers we've all had times when we've sat down and looked at our older work for the sake of nostalgia if nothing else. So, tell me, when you look back at an old piece have you ever been tempted to "fix it" do you often wish that you'd written something a little differently? What do you do next? How do you go about "remodeling" your work? OR do you find yourself simply pleased with the way a specific piece turned out even months later?

    A few of my first fics were written on a busted up Windows 98 computer when I was about 14 and when that computer went POOF, so did my stories. (They weren't CSI, by the way) So in that respect, I couldn't ever go back and re-read them but I wish I was able to, just to see how I've evolved in my style and how I've changed grammatically/structurally. I wrote those stories back in the day when I didn't even know what a One-Shot was, or that there was even a format to fics. :lol:

    But now I'm able to look back on the stories for CSI that I've done, before I even joined this site and let me tell ya, they were no screaming hell. :lol: I don't think I'd re-write them or fix them up though. There's something to be said for the art that was created, whether or not it's good at least for nostalgia's sake. :) So while I wasn't particularily pleased with myself for writing something that would more than likely hurt someone's eyes, I still wouldn't change anything. Besides, I never posted them so no one has to know how bad I was. :p

    Critique

    Story: Helpless
    By: Zelda49
    Critique by: speed_cochrane

    While I rarely read CSI:LV fics, (though I do watch the show quite a fair bit) it was a nice breath of fresh air to read yours. It's pretty rare that a fic pops up that isn't Sara having triplets but *gasp* two of the babies aren't Gil's! :eek: :eek:

    :rolleyes:

    Yeah so I really enjoyed yours. :D

    Good things

    'Grave Danger' was a great episode that I've seen many times so it was a great storyline to pull from. I liked that you put in direct lines/scenes from the episode instead of making the whole thing a 'missing scene for 5xwhatever'. I was able to recognize what was going on more easily and I didn't need to watch the episode to see the big picture.

    I always find OC characters quite interesting when they aren't a flat pancake of a disaster. You definitely gave us a character that was worth reading--she had an edge to her. Like someone else said, having her with this big high profile space engineering job (ultimately affording her the 'scientist' title) differentiated her from the CSI team but also correlated her 'relationship' to them so-to-speak. I like that she wasn't a CSI that was magically together with another CSI.

    It was also neat how you threaded her into the scenes that were already apparent in the episode itself, giving us a different point of view. An 'outside-looking-in' point of view with the interactivity that we normally wouldn't have.

    But also, the fact that she was in a 'love' relationship with Nick, made me understand her frustration and desperation even more, particularily in the scene where she completely breaks down. (I was also glad that you left that for the end, rather than the beginning and that we were thrown into the mix mid-way) There's the way the team felt and the way LeeAnn felt. Her passion was much stronger and probably would have been more detrimental to the case. So when Grissom told her to stay behind, it was the completely right thing to do, but I could feel what she was feeling and I was really hoping that there was this shred of hope that she'd be there with them. The uncertaintly/loss of control that she must have felt and the road-block she was stuck in reinforced to the umpth degree what the original episode conveyed. At least in my eyes.

    And this is why I also liked that it was in first person. (which I normally dislike) There wasn't this interpretation of feelings that we had with the episode itself--we were thrown into the mind of the character, again reinforcing what it must have truly been like to watch someone one cares about being senselessly tortured and feeling utterly helpless, like the title suggests.

    As for structure, grammar, etc. it was all pretty sound. however:

    Things to work on

    I'm not sure this really falls in the category of 'things to work on', but at one part of the story, your tense switches from past to present.

    “I was working for the Air Force at the time, and they needed an engineer to lend a hand with some project they were running at Nellis Air Force Base, just north of the city here. So I fly in, pick up my government-issued car, and decide I’m gonna drive down the Strip since I had some free time that night. I got about halfway down when the battery died, and there were no jumper cables in the car.”

    I don't know if it was done intentionally--if it was, then just ignore this entire part of the critique.

    But if not, I would suggest that when having a character tell a story, to keep it in the right tense for the benefit of the entire fic. That way, it's not seen as 'jumping between tenses'. I know, people usually switch tenses in conversation which is understandable and why I think it was intentional. :shrug:

    Anyway, that's pretty much it. You did a great job!
     
  8. Finch

    Finch Funnier in Enochian Super Moderator

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    Ack, my edit time expired, so I wanted to add one more thing---I didn't mean 'right tense', I meant 'same tense'. :lol: 'Cause there is no wrong tense. Anyway, moving on. *runz*
     
  9. adorelo

    adorelo CSI Level Two

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    Thanks so much for your kind words.

    But I'm afraid I'm here to grovel. I feel really bad for not submitting a critique for this week. I've been on stage since Monday and this is the first half-hour I've had spare for a while. I'm really sorry, Zelda, but I promise to read your story as soon as I can and to give you a as detailed as possible review.

    LLK will pop me on the list of people who didn't take part this week and I will be back in full form for the next critique. Once again, Zelda dear, I'm so sorry! :(
     
  10. marymagdalen

    marymagdalen Lab Technician

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    Sorry this is a bit last minute – had one of those weeks (again!), including one son off school sick, the other doing exams, travelling to meetings at opposite ends of the country, and a car crash!! Ain’t life fun!! :wtf:​

    Anyway – here goes...​

    TQ:As writers we've all had times when we've sat down and looked at our older work for the sake of nostalgia if nothing else. So, tell me, when you look back at an old piece have you ever been tempted to "fix it"? Do you often wish that you'd written something a little differently? What do you do next? How do you go about "remodelling" your work? OR do you find yourself simply pleased with the way a specific piece turned out even months later?

    I often re-read old pieces to remind myself of where I’ve been, because it often reminds me of what was going on with me at the time of writing (which is not always a comfortable experience!). It’s a good method of self-assessment too, I think. It enables me to see if, how, and why my writing has improved or not (again, not always a comfortable experience!). I think “fixing it” takes away that measuring stick by which I can see my own progress. I might change the odd spelling mistake that I missed first time around, but I’m never really tempted to fix it. Whether I’m “pleased” with it, even months later – I don’t know. But to change it seems somehow to deny what it is – or what I was. What I wrote, even way back, just is what it is, and it’s that way for a reason.​

    One other point about being pleased with how things turn out. Before I post anything for other people to read, I always go over it dozens of times. If I’m part way through a piece, then each time I sit down to continue writing, the first thing I do is read it right through from the beginning. As well as being able to re-phrase bits to make it read better and pick up spelling mistakes, etc, it fixes the story in my head again, and helps me to “get it right” as I write the next bit. So I always do a really thorough read before I post, and I won’t post anything unless I’m really happy with it myself. And then, again – it is what it is.​


    Critique

    OK, I’m going to start with a couple of things – not bad things, or things for improvement as such, but just things that I want to get out of the way first, because it was so good that I don’t want to finish this critique on any sort of a downer!​

    A couple of grammar bits, which you can take or leave:​

    Nick’s parents’: parents is a simple plural, so no apostrophe needed after parents.​

    Mrs. Stokes’ eyes: I take the liberty of quoting from Lynne Truss’s 2003 book, Eats, Shoots and Leaves:
    “Current guides to punctuation (including that ultimate authority, Fowler’s Modern English Usage) state that with modern names ending in “s”... the “s” is required after the apostrophe: Keats’s poems, St James’s Square...”[​

    So: Mrs. Stokes’s eyes.​

    But then Ms. Truss says:
    “However, these are matters of style and preference that are definitely not set in stone, and it’s a good idea not to get fixated on them.”​

    So as I said – take it or leave it! :)

    Moving on (the sooner the better, I think!) to the final "downer" bit!

    I read Speed_Cochrane’s critique, which said:

    “I liked that you put in direct lines/scenes from the episode instead of making the whole thing a 'missing scene for 5xwhatever'. I was able to recognize what was going on more easily and I didn't need to watch the episode to see the big picture.”

    I didn’t exactly disagree with this, but I found that having only seen the episode Grave Danger once, and quite a while ago, I had to think really hard to remember some of the bits alluded to in your story. It just made me wonder if the story could stand alone from the episode for someone who’s never seen the episode. But perhaps that doesn’t matter.

    Having said that (now you get the really good stuff!) I thought it was great how you managed to slip an "extra" character into what was an already well-established storyline – that really takes some skill, and you certainly pulled it off. :thumbsup: And she was a very believable character from the start.

    The opening paragraph succeeded in setting up LeeAnn’s feelings right away, and I felt drawn in even if at first I couldn’t remember exactly what the situation was. Later on, too, you expressed really well her frustration at being able to do nothing but sit and wait:
    “I’m a scientist, too, damn it! I helped send people into space... But I’m not qualified to walk around some nursery and look for loose dirt!”​

    You wrote, as LeeAnn was watching the video feed:
    “My breath caught in my throat as I watched Nick banging on the top of the box with is fists, yelling now I knew, even though there was no sound accompanying the video feed.” and “his screams all the more heart wrenching without audio.”​

    I actually stopped reading at that point, because it got me thinking, trying to decide whether it should actually be in a way more comforting to have no sound, or whether it made it more scary, or... what? So you really got me going there!​

    The way you had her talking with (and in effect building a relationship with) Nick’s parents was well done too. It’s such a typical thing to do in a crisis, for those involved to focus on and talk about the person who’s at the centre of the crisis, often with quite a selective remembrance of only the good or best things; it’s almost a way of trying to convince yourself that “the good guys always win” so everything just HAS to turn out OK.

    Characterisation of the established characters was spot-on throughout too. Warrick’s “Son of a bitch!” when Nick shot his gun, and Grissom being infuriatingly calm about everything were particularly great.

    I thought writing this in the first person was very effective. It makes you feel like you’re a part of it, because she’s telling you the story, you’re in on it. Reading someone else’s account of it, which is what third person feels like, often doesn’t draw you into the story so well.

    Anyway, girl – there was no need whatsoever to be nervous about posting this story. You have the talent to take what you have and make it into something that works. You did a great job of stepping out of your box on this one! In fact I think you stepped out of it, jumped right on top, and did a wiggly-giggly dance!! Oh yeah!

    Finally, I read the story through at the beginning of the week to get my thought processes going, and then read it again before sitting down to write this crit. Now, whether I really am a big softy, or because of the week I just had, second time around I had tears in my eyes at the end! Not many stories do that to me, so well done... I think?! :lol:

    Leni
     
  11. Zelda49

    Zelda49 Rookie

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    That actually was the idea when I wrote this piece (which was, well, a couple of years ago now). I remember watching the ep and thinking how absolutely awful it would be if you were just an observer while this horrible thing was happening to someone you really cared about, and then it just rattled around in my head and wouldn't leave 'til I wrote it down.

    Like in Star Wars? :guffaw: Sorry, I'm a big geek, I know!

    You were absolutely right on both counts. The "Nick and I" one I think was on purpose because that's the way people tend to talk, but I don't really remember. :lol:

    Also true, and I knew that would happen for some people, because that was a big giant moment for Warrick, made all that more horrifying (I think) because he was all alone.

    That is seriously high praise...even if she didn't critique this week :p

    Thanks so much for all the detail--I really appreciate the effort you put into your critique, Amanda_Ruth!

    I think you (and everyone else who mentioned it) are right about that. And it's the reason I chose to write it in the first person, even though I normally hate it. It wouldn't have had the same effect if I'd have done it in third person.

    Thank you...thank you very much! :p

    That's a good thought for a sequal/companion piece if I ever have time!

    Isn't that crazy? Must be why I don't get any love from the LV readers on ff.net...my stuff is too realistic?


    I never thought of it that way. I actually usually ignore fics that quote directly from large portions of an episode because they annoy me--can't these people use their own imaginations? :scream: Then I went and did it myself :lol: But I like your take on using big chunks of CBS material.

    That's even better than I had hoped for when I wrote the piece!

    I'm not sure at this point if that was intentional or not, to tell you the truth. I think it was, because, as you mentioned, people tend to talk that way...so we'll go with that :)

    I think you might actually have read this back in the day when I originally posted it, Jody dear. No worries either way, but I am always eager to know what you think. :thumbsup:



    Thanks for finding those for me! I'm one of those obsessive proofreaders, too, but apostrophes sometimes escape me. I blame my nearsightedness (even though I have near-perfect vision when I wear my contacts). :p



    I've wondered that myself many times with this one, and I've wracked my brain but I can't think of a way to do it. Anyone with ideas on that is welcom e to PM me!​


    I always thought the opposite--that it takes less skill to drop a character into a ready-made story. But now that I think about it, I suppose you could really screw up a great plot by plopping characters in willy nilly.​




    "You got me thinking" are the nicest words you can say to a teacher, Leni! Thanks!!​




    You're right about that. And you'll notice LeeAnn did the same thing...she only remembered the good parts about the night she met Nick.​


    This was my first LV story, and I did a lot things differently with this one than I had before (or have since for that matter). Re-reading the story myself, then reading all of the wonderfully detailed critiques has eased my mind that it doesn't suck as much as I thought it did. In fact, I think I kind of like it again :cool:


    Hey, if it produced any reaction at all other than "this is so bad I can't read it" then I'm a happy camper...doing my wiggly-giggly dance :guffaw:​



    Thanks everyone, for such great critiques! I was nervous all over again when I found out LLk had picked "Helpless" for this week because I got almost no feedback when I originally posted the story that I just assumed it wasn't up to snuff. Hearing your opinions on the subject reassured me that it's just fine...after I fix the couple of grammar mistakes I made!

    EDIT: racehf, I absolutely adore the quote in your sig! That's my favorite NY moment ever!​
     
    Last edited: May 10, 2008
  12. Amanda_Ruth

    Amanda_Ruth Witness

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    Yeah... definitely like in Star Wars. I'm an uber geek! The only thing I'm not is a trekkie!
     
  13. lostladyknight

    lostladyknight Pathologist

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    TQ:


    Usually when I look back on my work, even from six months ago, I get this feeling that I could have done it better. I sit and pick things apart until I end up with a wholly new story from the one I started with. I guess it's because I struggle with the final edit portion of my writing. I'm always really eager to finish and get it uploaded. Without a doubt I think that each and every new chapter is the best I've ever written, and while sometimes that is true, it's rarely ever the best I could do. I guess that's just the way it is though. I don't think I've ever seen a flawless piece of writing before, not from myself or anyone else. I guess I'm just glad for my strengths and I always hope that honest critiquers and reviewers will help me to realize my weaknesses.


    I know that this isn't really part of the topic question at hand but I still feel like it might be useful, or at least fun to talk about. The greatest compliment I've ever received from someone about my writing was actually from a friend of mine. Now, generally, I don't take what my friends have to say as meaning much because I figure they're just being nice. However, this time, it really did mean something to me. My friend told me that when she's looking for inspiration for her stories she reads mine. When she's struggling with writing, be it plot, or just syntax, she comes and reads over my stuff to get in the right mindset for writing. She said that she likes my writing style, the way I use words, that she goes to my work for inspiration. I don't know, it was flattering to say the least.


    Anyway when I have a story that needs work I usually sit down and go over it with a fine tooth comb changing every little thing that I don't like. The revisions hardly ever make it to being posted, but they do usually happen. Stories that start out at fifty thousand words usually end up three or four times longer when I'm done with the edit. I guess that's because generally I expound on things, or make sure I follow sub plots, better the second time through. I have been known to cut entire sub-plots from stories, but still ended up with a longer piece because of the other “fluff” or “filler” I've added in at the end.


    Okay so I know that this TQ answer really wasn't to the point, at all, but let me try to explain things the way I was asking for the explanations, in the beginning. What I was really looking for, when I wrote this TQ, was how people went about their revisions. OR, if they just didn't bother. I got the idea from a conversation I had with Zelda. Anyway, my process of revision is kinda complicated, and at the same time I'm pretty sure it's simple. Go figure.


    When I first look over a piece, I'm always thankful that it's on a computer screen and not in hard copy because I'd have so much red ink on it I'd want to cry myself. I don't think I've written very many things that have ever turned out so well I didn't want to revise them. Then, usually, I make cuts. Large chunks of dialogue or prose that just get removed and then I usually mark those places. Lots of big ugly symbols that are bound to stand out and then huge, capitol, letters about what changes I want to make or what I need to include there that had ended up removed. Then I go through, piece by piece, and rewrite the parts that were cut, usually trying to write a page for every four or five lines that I removed. It's my way of rewarding myself for doing the edit in the end. I guess after that, I submit both old and new pieces to someone, or a few someones, and have them comment on all of the edits. Then, I start over. IF I'm feeling especially hard working that day.


    I guess that's really all you'll need to know about the edit processes of LLK. I really don't do it much. Lol.




    Critique:


    This is probably going to be short because my boyfriend is in the other room and he drove four hours to come see me, so I should spend some time with him. Lucky for you, however, Indiana Jones is on and I love it, but he doesn't, so we're having some divided TV time. Lol.


    I really like the way you managed to adapt your story to the chronology of the show. Things still happened the same way, but with this unseen third party. I just really liked that about the delivery of the fic. It was almost as though she truly could have been there through it all, but the cameras never landed on her. So, yeah, that's really great. I always love it when people write something and it just sorta fits in. Really, it's like you lifted a piece of the puzzle right out, or really, put it in.


    Also, as other people stated, I really liked that you gave a little background to your OC. Also, the type of woman she is seems ideal for Nick. I liked a lot of the little details you added in, the way you made it seem like she was really an important part of Nick's life, and the lab. I know I kinda touched on that earlier, but really, it's true. She fits in so well, you really don't even see the lines between the show as it was without her, and where your story, your fabrication, fits in.


    There really wasn't much about it that I disliked. :D It was all good. I know I write a lot of OC's but sometimes I have a little bit of a problem with them, especially in stories like these. LeAnn seemed to fit in just fine though. You have a talent for reality with that of the show.




    Well, sorry. The boy wants me to come into the other room with him. So, I guess I'll have to call this done. Be looking for the new featured fic tomorrow!
     
  14. Zelda49

    Zelda49 Rookie

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    I have a bad (or perhaps good?) habit of putting OCs in a lot of things I write, and work really hard to make sure they're not Mary Sues or Gary Stus, so to hear something like that warms my little heart :eek:

    Have fun with the b-friend, LLK. I'm going to miss Prof. Jones tonight because my beloved Red Wings have a playoff game tonight, but you can bet I'm going to go rent all the old movies before I go see the new one when it comes out!
     
  15. Kazalene

    Kazalene Rookie

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    I have a couple of thoughts about this...(sorry LLK if I'm breaking some rules here).

    Something that I've noticed over at ff.net (and is probably blazingly obvious) is that there are two groups of readers (or at least if I were to be basic about this anyway):
    Those who get frustrated with the way their show goes or takes their ships and view ff.net as a sort of escapism, and those who are just completely obsessed and will read anything - within reason - so long as it has their ship or favourite character(s) in it.

    My point is that when you're looking for escapism, you don't always want something realistic and when you're just reading anything and everything, well I find those are the people who tend not to review. Of course this is a major generalisation and there are those who want realism and excellent characterisation which is why I have another idea..

    Sometimes, when I read something really good, I'm not always sure what to put in a review. Yeah, I could put something like, "That was really good, thanks" but it doesn't really have any substance behind it. But then there are also some fics where I actually am left speechless and really can't put into words how great it was (yeah, I'm a bit of geek). Then of course there are people who just don't review, period.

    Basically, I don't think that you can use the review system over at ff.net to judge how good your work is, or how well it is received. Or at least not all of the time anyway. This is why I think this group is a fantastic idea!

    Anyway, I'll stop now. I think I've gone way OT!
     

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