CSI Fan Fiction Critique Group.

Sounds like an interesting idea. Yeah, I'd go for it.
Leni

 

Wow, aren’t we all doing well, getting our crits in so early in the week! ​

TQ: Did you find it easy, or hard to write about friendship? Was it difficult straying away from your norms? Do you think your writing was influenced by the show, or was it primarily an ‘off screen’ friendship?



I find friendship an interesting thing to write about. There can be friendship on so many different levels, between diverse people, likely or unlikely, and I think exploring different relationships can be fascinating. Having said that, it can be a bit tricky trying to write about a particular friendship that I haven’t personally experienced. Fortunately I’m a real people-watcher, which can help (unless your ‘subjects’ don’t like being watched, in which case you better be able to run fast!!). And I love watching my teenage kids with their friends in different contexts to see how their relationships work – but then teenagers are fascinating creatures on any level! :thumbsup:

Friendship in this particular story? OK. This is where I have to confess. I’m not sure I actually included the friendship criteria in my story as such; or if I did, I’m not sure which particular bit was the “friendship” bit! Horatio does a favour for Yelina, which I guess could allude to their friendship. At one point, Horatio thinks that maybe having to spend the evening with non-stop talker Cristina is Yelina’s way of ‘punishing’ him for all the times he’s messed her around in the past. I just got the idea that she would probably do that, knowing that their friendship was strong enough for him to take it in the spirit she meant it, deal with it, and get over it!

However, the main story was actually about Horatio NOT getting on with someone – and I so enjoyed writing that! Maybe this was straying from one of my norms, because Horatio is usually so nice to everyone, and that’s how I would usually write his character. Even when he doesn’t like a person, we never see Horatio getting really shirty, we don’t get let in on his thoughts, and we never really see him in a bad mood. This time I just thought it would be fun to do a take on that for a change. And it was! :lol:


Critique
Story Title: Friendship or Love?
By: Texas Jen
Critique by: Mary Magdalen
Critique by challenge: Project #3

The story itself:​

The idea that you put in the summary, of Eric as “a man on a mission”, was really played out throughout the story. You captured perfectly his thought processes as he starts off daydreaming, and his obvious enjoyment at the memories of moments with his best friend Calleigh, then it seems to become more than just daydreaming. Finally it builds to the moment when Eric realises that he’s thought about his love for Calleigh, and her love for him, for so long, and he finally – but not suddenly – makes the decision to do something about it. And when he does... oh boy!!! Hot stuff!!! :drool:

Use of language:
The opening paragraph made a great start to the story, using really descriptive language to set the scene with Eric chilling on the balcony with a beer at the end of a long, hot day. I could just picture it, you described it so well. I’m not familiar with the song you used, or the singer [Mark Chesnutt, Rollin’ With The Flow], but if the song is as good as it’s title, it would just fit the mood perfectly.

Another well written bit was where Eric turns up on Calleigh’s doorstep: “The surprised look on her face was quickly replaced by a warm smile, and then a softly whispered ‘Eric’”. I could absolutely hear Calleigh saying that, in that perfect totally “Calleigh” way.

Characterisation:
Spot on! You mentioned Eric getting shot; I think on the show he’s changed since that incident, and you really captured the post-shooting Eric. He’s not so frivolous now, he’s a lot more careful. He’s become more serious, more responsible, and you have him, taking time to think his way through things, trying to rationalise the situation, and debating between his head and his heart to get to his final decision to take action.

"With a determination he hadn’t felt in a long time, Eric got up from the chair, dumped the bottle in the trash, slipped on a pair of shoes, grabbed his car keys, and left. He was on a mission.” I think this line also captures an aspect of Eric post-shooting, namely his lack of self-confidence. I think you got him just right.

Any bad stuff?
Erm... I found one whole spelling mistake. And... Eric threw his beer bottle in the trash instead of recycling it. (Yeah, I know, I’m just getting desperate now!)

Not much to point out really, except one thing that I found with all the stories written for this challenge that I’ve read so far. That is, fitting in the sentence “It is/was stranger than fiction”. In every one I’ve read so far, it doesn’t seem to quite fit, it feels a bit contrived, and in some cases a bit cheesy – and I include my own contribution in that. In fact, confession time again: I didn’t even use the line properly in my fic, so I guess all you other guys have done better than me on that score, so I really shouldn’t be moaning about it, should I? :wtf:

OK. I’ll just shut up! But not before saying thanks for a great story. They’ve all been so different for this challenge, it’s amazing how a few basic ideas can give birth to so much creative variety!

Leni

 

Wow! I came in here tonight to do my critique thinking I'd get to be the first one...only to find out I'm one of the last!

Story Title: I Can't Get No Satisfaction
By (Authors name) Marija Magdalena
Critique by (your name) Jennifer
Critique by challenge - Project #3

Wow…Calleigh, Natalia, and Valera doing karaoke! That I would like to see! I would never do that myself as it would be completely embarrassing, so I could really feel Calleigh’s pain, and embarrassment. And if Calleigh did drink too much and sang in front of a bunch of people…yep, she would be embarrassed. That’s not something I could see her doing sober.

That was an easy and interesting way to work in your favorite song. Yeah…karaoke! Me, I would’ve agonized over it so long I would’ve made it hard on myself, trying to figure out how to work a song in, and thus would’ve had some horribly contrived way to work in the song. As it is, I finished my story *without* my favorite song, and when checking to make sure I included all the required elements, I began to read thru my story to find a place to fit it in, and luckily it fit in the first paragraph!

I liked how you effectively told Calleigh’s state of mind…

Like this one…
“…she stared in front of herself. Every now and then she swallowed hard and blushed like she remembered something very embarrassing."

And this one…
"Still, she just looked at him and then she settled her gaze back on some invisible spot on the wall behind Eric."

These two passages set the scene for Calleigh’s mood…in the first one she’s clearly so embarrassed by her actions that she can do nothing but stare into space, swallowing every so often, and blushing. In the second passage, she’s clearly distracted, again staring off into space


Areas to work on:

Characterization: But you realized this needed help as you said it yourself before the story even started…it’s a bit out of character for Calleigh. The thing is though, good stories are written so that the characters stay in character. Perhaps there was a way you could have tweaked the story so that Calleigh stayed in character.

There ere are some things about characters that we can surmise on our own based on behaviors on the show, but some are definite. Like drinking alcohol…I don’t believe Calleigh has ever said one way or the other whether or not she drinks, and I don’t believe she’s ever had an alcoholic drink on the show, so it’s up to an individual’s opinion as to whether or not Calleigh would choose to drink alcohol, given her father’s alcoholism. One thing not really up to debate is the way Calleigh has a tendency to keep her emotions to herself. She’s very closed off, keeping her feelings to herself. With the exception of the scene at the ambulance in SYG, she’s never really lost control of her emotions, and in that scene she wasn’t really at work, and she was alone with Eric. So, in this story, it really was uncharacteristic of Calleigh to get emotional at work (although in this story it wasn’t crying, she was just embarrassed about her actions). I do believe she would confide in Eric, they’re that close…but certainly no one else. So perhaps you could have tweaked the story a bit so that they had the conversation somewhere else, just not at work.

Would Calleigh have gotten tipsy…again, it’s up for speculation and I venture to say that most would say she wouldn’t because of her Dad’s issue with alcoholism and the fact that she didn’t have the best home life as a child because of it, and has had to rescue him when he has been drunk. Would she have sung karaoke…doubtful she would do it sober, but again that’s something that would be debatable.

Punctuation:
The biggest issue I saw with punctuation is when you included conversation, spoken words. I’ll show you what I mean in the way that Amanda_Ruth did in her critique.
Original Quote:
“I cant believe that this is happening to me. It is so embarrassing.”, she said.
My Edit:
“I can’t believe that this is happening to me. It is so embarrassing,” she said.

Original Quote:
"No, not particularly.”, she answered with a slightly trembling voice.
My Edit:
“No, not particularly,” she answered with a slightly trembling voice.

Note that the spoken words end with a comma, then come the end quote marks. The (.) period comes at the end. Here’s another.

Original Quote:
Oh, God, this is so embarrassing…”, Calleigh had to swallow hard before she continued: “So, I obviously said ‘Dare’ and then they said that… that I have to sing a song
My Edit:
"Oh God, this is so embarrassing.” Calleigh had to swallow hard before she continued, “So, I obviously said ‘dare’ and then they said that…that I have to sing a song.”

In this example, there wasn’t a “Calleigh said” phrase after, so the period came at the end of the spoken words, before the end quote marks.

Other punctuation errors were on contractions – “cant” should be “can’t”, and “Ive” is “I’ve”.

Another area to work on is the words you use…mostly the tense of the word, spelling, and the use of words that aren’t real words.

Like these…

Suddenly she looked Eric straight in the eyes and panicly asked
Besides, you panicly asked me

“Panicly” isn’t a word. Panic, panicked, and panicking are. The above could have been said like:

"Suddenly she looked Eric straight in the eyes, and panicking, she asked…”
Or
"Suddenly she looked Eric straight in the eyes. Panicking, she asked…”

And
“Besides, you panicked, asking me…”
Or
“Besides, you panicked and asked me…”
As for the tense of a word, the past tense should be used…

Original Quote:
This was the side of Calleigh that Eric didn't know and he knew Calleigh better then anyone else.
My Edit:
This was the side of Calleigh that Eric didn’t know and he knew Calleigh better than anyone else.

Original Quote:
He watched Calleigh hopping that she will continue her story so that he can realize what was wrong, but she was silent.
My Edit:
He watched Calleigh hoping that she would continue her story so that he could realize what was wrong, but she was silent.

Original Quote:
Cal, you really got me scared. I thought it was something serious. You have a nice voice, so I don't see whats all this drama about. And, I don't know why did this hit you right now. I mean, you haven't even mentioned it last night or this morning.”
My Edit:
“Cal, you really haveme scared. I thought it was something serious. You have a nice voice, so I don’t see what all this drama is about. And I don’t know why this hit you right now. I mean, you haven’t even mentioned it last night or this morning.”

*********************************************************
TQ: Did you find it easy, or hard to write about friendship? Was it difficult straying away from your norms? Do you think your writing was influenced by the show, or was it primarily an ‘off screen’ friendship?

Easy! Friendship is so very easy to write. There are so many possibilities on what friends did or can do. Is it difficult to stray from my norm...considering my norm is "romance" and I didn't stray, I'd have to say "yeah!". Seriously, I can't write a story and NOT have romance in it. Anything I think up to write about will always have some romance in it, my heart would not be in it to write a story that didn't have a least a bit of romance.

My story was a combination of stuff that was seen on the show, and interaction that would've taken place off the show, although I find it much easier to write stuff that is primarily 'off screen'...letting the imagination run wild (but not that wild!).

**********************************************************
Leni,

Thank you for the nice critique. I know what you mean by the "it was stranger than fiction' being contrived. I had the hardest time with that line, trying to fit it in somewhere. I guess if we'd have had longer than a week to write a story I could have come up with something more fitting the phrase, I think we all could have!

As I said above, my song choice was added at the very end, after I finished the story. I had to go back and fit it in because I'd forgotten to include that element. Luckily it fit right into the first paragraph. The song is a country song off the singer's 2006 album, only recently getting airplay (that I know of), but it is a slow relaxing kind of song, or at least it puts me in a relaxing mood. Ironically, the song is about a guy that isn't settling down like all his friends are, not thinking of getting married, having kids, etc.

 

I had a feeling that line was from the show but since I didn't know for sure I guess I didn't say anything. I remember in one draft I did have a qualifier saying as much... but I guess that got edited out of the final draft of my critique.


Kathy loves the influx of critiques during challenge week.

Amazing guys!

I've loved reading each and every critique.

 

Looks like I`m the only one who hasn`t wrote the critique... I`ll do it today or tomorrow.

Jennifer, thank you for your review, I`ll try to improve that. Some of the things that you corrected (like "cant" should be "can't") are the products of my computer, but the rest of the mistakes are mine. Oh, and thank you so much you took the time to edit all those mistakes with quote marks. It`s always good to know, because sometimes it depends on the language and in Serbian they change those rules all the time, so I never know how to put it.

Well, anyway, your review has been very helpful so thank you.

 

The sooner the better! I want to know what you thought of my fic! I'm dying from the suspense.

Also I know it's still early in the week but folks please PM me if you have anything else you would like critiqued. I'd really appreciate it.

Thank you!

-LLK

 

TQ: Did you find it easy, or hard to write about friendship? Was it difficult straying away from your norms? Do you think your writing was influenced by the show, or was it primarily an ‘off screen’ friendship?

For me, friendship is an easy thing to write about in all of its aspects. Like speedcochrane said, everyone has experienced it, good and bad, so I have personal knowledge to draw on. At the same time, my fic was influenced a lot by the show, for characterization, yes, but also for the plot itself. Ryan was just such a lonely-looking guy in the episodes at the end of season five and the beginning of season six that when I listened to “Where Everybody Knows Your Name” it just clicked in my mind—the whole song is about how much life can suck, but if you’re with your friends you don’t mind so much. You can sort of deal because you know they have problems, too, but you’ll all be there for each other and get through it all together. That seemed to me to be exactly what Ryan had gone through. But it wasn’t really outside the norm for me, with the exception that Ryan was the main character. I haven’t done a lot with him yet, but I wanted to and I liked what came out as a result.

Critique

Story Title: At the End of the Day
By MaryMagdalene
Critique by Zelda49
Critique by challenge - Project #3


Things to work on:
I know this whole group is supposed to be about providing constructive criticism so we can improve our writing, but I honestly can’t find much of anything to criticize. The one think I did find was When Horatio was interviewing Charles you said he wanted to “swing for the guy”. It seemed a bit awkward to me because the phrase that I am used to is “take a swing at the guy”. It was such a minor thing, though, that it slipped my mind as soon as I was past it and had to go back and hunt for it for this critique.

Things that were good:
First of all, I love your writing style. You have a very smooth delivery, and come across as intelligent without using a bunch of big words to try and prove it. That makes your work very easy to read, so much so that I actually forgot I was reading and just let the story play out in my mind. I liked all of the cases you incorporated: how the three that H dealt with in the beginning (and end) were things that we see on the show all the time, but that they clearly affected him; how the main murder at the lecture was planned and described without being over-detailed and too technical; how you wrapped everything up at the end to give H (and the reader) some piece of mind and allow him to relax…unless Cristina has anything to say about it! You did a great job with her, creating her, keeping her personality consistent. It almost seemed as though we’d seen her before on the show, you know? She fit into the world of CSI:Miami seamlessly even though she didn’t exist there until now.

The elements of the challenge were nicely incorporated, too. Friendship was all over the place: between H and Yelena, and between H and Cristina (in a manner of speaking!). The song, too, fit the theme of the piece, and I’m going to go download it as soon as I’m done here. I adored, too, how you fit in the “stranger than fiction” requirement as a clichéd phrase that an egotistical actor would use. Great job! I’ve become a big fan of your writing!

 

Zelda - thanks for the great review. Glad you liked it - I had great fun writing it. It was one of those stories that just came to me (I would have preferred it not to come at 3 in the morning, but hey, we can't have everything!).

Just a couple of things
Firstly, in England we do tend to use the phrase "I'll swing for you", but I guess it sounds odd if you're not used to it.

And secondly, if you manage to find the song to download, please let me know! Another confession (I'll be soooo holy by the end of this week!) - I've never actually heard the song! I found the lyrics a while ago, and added them to my notebook because I loved them, but I just can't find it anywhere; the lyrics are on loads of websites, but no mention of what Van Morrison album it's on, even on the official VM website. So if you find anything, please let me know!

Leni

 

Leave it to LLK to be the downer here.

I just wanted to remind all of you guys, since Jodie really didn't mention it in the begining here, it is NOT an option not to critique the fic you are assigned during challenge week. You're obligated to do so. It's not fair to the other authors if you don't. Therefore, as always, there will be a SIX WEEK ban from the FCG and having ANY of your work featured if you fail to comply with that rule. Also, you WILL NOT be permitted to participate in the challenges in the future. This rule is already stated in the FCG and is not new. It has always been the case but I thought I should re-state it.

I believe we still have a couple of critiques out there. Let's get them in guys. You only have until Saturday.

Please don't make me be the mean bitchy FCG leader person that I can but don't want to be.

-LLK

 

I'm working on mine! Slowly hehe. It'll be up on time, though. I promise. I'm at rehearsal a lot and I only have about an hour spare a day, if that.

And, guys, blame me. I just assumed people understood. My bad.

 

Hon, I wasn't saying it was your fault. I just wanted to remind everyone. I don't want to have to ban anyone from anything.

-LLK

 

I`ll be on time, too. Don`t worry!

 

I have faith in you guys. I just get nervous... I'm silly.

 

Hey, I have it if you want me to send it to you somehow?

(Btw, I'm new here =D)