I am going to tell you about my life for the past few months. I am a 17 year old male and a senior in high school (well...sorta in high school).
My last day of school was the first day of Semester 2, it was very odd because I had all new classes and teachers...yet unannounced to me, it would be my last day at high school. It was the end of January and through a rather odd series of events, I was going to be rightfully accused of doing some very bad things. These bad things that I did led me to the police (whom I had already had another incident with 3 months before this) where I SORT OF turned myself in and confessed everything. This led me to get suspended from school for a week and charged with 5 different felonies. Being the weak person that I am, I contemplated taking my own life.
I detailed a very specific plan in my head of how I would do it. The night before I confessed to the police, I wrote a suicide letter. My parents found the letter in my backpack before I could go through with my plan. I told them that I couldn't go through with it, which I couldn't. I wimped out in the last second. They threw the note in the trash and cried with me for basically the entire night.
The next day I woke up early and instead of heading off to school for the second day of Semester 2, I spent the morning at the police station where I wrote a confession. They told me I was free to go home but they would be mailing me a list of charges and a court date soon. At this time one of the vice principals from school was called down to the station and suspended me. I went home and was in the bathroom relieving myself f some stress when about 5 minutes later, the police showed up at my house to gather evidence. My mother was crying and told the police about the note I had written the night before. The police demanded my dad pick it out of the trash and give it to them (which he did). About one minute later I was in an ambulance being driven to a hospital.
I spent the rest of the day and night at the hospital where I met with several doctors, nurses, and psychiatrists. They shipped me off to a mental health care hospital for teens and young adults where I spent 7 long nights. Throughout this time I was subject to being with depressed and lots of messed up kids...some of whom I made friends with. We would go to "school" sessions, group therapy, and do art activities every day. I ate all 3 meals there and was not allowed to leave. We were allowed visits on the weekends and at certain times at night during the weekday. At night they would show a movie then we would go to sleep. The experience here was not that bad. I was also prescribed with anti-depressants.
My entire family was very worried about me. My mother and father of course visited me during my weekly stay, as did my younger brother and my grandparents. My aunt and uncle, whose professions are in the law, recommended me an attorney and said they would help with anything I needed. The experience at the first mental health hospital was not that bad. For one week it took me out of reality and I didn't have to deal with my high school, the police, or the court.
I got to go home for the weekend but the doctors and psychiatrists who worked on me in the first mental health hospital wanted me to go to a day program. I only ended up going to this program for 4 days because that is all my insurance would cover as it was quite an expensive place. At this program we were allowed to leave and go home to sleep in our own beds. It was like school, it lasted from 9 AM to 3 PM every weekday. We went to different groups, ate lunch, and went to the gym. At this time I also spoke with a bunch of other doctors and psychiatrists telling my embarrassing story of what I did over and over and over again.
I also had to meet with a DCF worker from the state because the police reported my parents for neglect because they threw my note away and didn't tell anyone about it until the day after I wrote it. After interviewing my entire family, the state worker dropped our case and found my parents non-neglectful.
I am now seeing a therapist once a week, taking medicine, finding productive things to do to keep me occupied (like art classes at the museum), and finishing my high school career via online courses...all while I wait for my court date which is probably going to be in early April. It was scheduled to be in 2 weeks but my attorney cannot make it that day so he has asked the court if they can reschedule for early April. Unfortunately for me, that means more waiting, and more fearing what is going to happen. I wish the date was sooner, because I really want this to be over with so I can move on and do something positive with my life. I have never been in this kind of trouble before and having this whole court thing to worry about makes it hard to function normally. I have EXTREME anxiety and this is sending it over the roof.
I also have made the decision not to return back to school to finish my senior year, instead I am earning the rest of my required credits by taking online courses. The reasoning behind this is because everyone at school knows what I did...and trust me it is BAD. It would be completely embarrassing and humiliating to have to go back there and deal with all the teachers and students who know. I was a loser before this, never had many friends, and going back would probably just make my anxiety 100x worse than it already is...although I'm not sure how much higher it could go.
My life has been turned upside down ever since January 28. It is now March 8...and it's still not over yet. I do miss school. I miss my friends, I miss the teachers. I did actually enjoy high school. I did have people who I was close with. Call me a teacher's pet if you'd like, but I was friends with a lot of staff there. For a loser like me having those people at school just to make friendly, normal conversations with meant the world to me. This is not how I imagined leaving high school. This is not how I wanted my last year to go down. I wanted to spend it with my brother (who is a freshman) and my few friends having a fun last year. I never even got to say goodbye to a lot of the people who I had become very close friends with over the last 3 and half years. But I have no one to blame but myself. I did unspeakable things and I must be punished, it is the way this society functions and without this system, it would be chaos.
I no longer feel like taking my own life. I know I would hurt too many people. My family most of all. They have stuck with me and been so amazing to me despite what I did. They will never give up on me...I realize that now. It would be wrong of me to give up on myself and hurt others by ending my life.
Now I wait until I have to go to court, try not to pass out because my nerves are shot, and hope for the best. Hopefully this will eventually end and I can move on. I hurt other people and I am truly sorry for that, but at the same time I don't want this haunting me for the rest of my life. It has been a long 2 months for me. If this ever ends I plan on getting a job and going to college (I already got accepted to the school I want to go to) and hopefully start fresh with a bunch of new people. Hopefully I will look back and look at this as a learning experience and a lesson...not to do stupid, hurtful things even if it is just for amusement. People will get hurt and you will pay as you deserve to...as I am.
