To J: I hate you for doing what you did to me, and I hate myself for still loving you in spite of it. I know you're hurt by what happened in your past, but why did you have to hurt me, too? Did it make you feel better to drag someone else down with you? And you have the nerve to be angry and hurt with me for wanting to leave? I know I led you on, and I was wrong to do so, but I was young, I was a stupid kid, and it had been so long since I'd seen you. I just wanted to have what we'd had before everything went wrong in your life, before it all went to hell. It was selfish, and I'm sorry I hurt you by holding on so tightly and then letting go so easily. But you hurt me too, and you have to see that! You have to answer for that! I want to be with you so badly it hurts, and I love you more than anyone else in my world, but I can't be in a relationship with someone who hurts me and who I hurt in return. It isn't fair! I can't talk to anyone about us because everyone I know hates you now for what you did to me or hates me for what I did to you. My family doesn't know how much it hurts me to just cut you out of my life and 'move on'; I told them I was lying when I said I loved you, that I was young, stupid, naive, and caught up in the moment. Well, I was certainly young, stupid, naive, and caught up in the moment, but I was in love with you. I still am. I know that because I never could have hurt you and you could never have hurt me like you did if I wasn't in love with you. I wouldn't have let you do those things to me if I didn't love you. But I hate you, too. Love, hate. They're the same thing, aren't they, baby? They both take passion and devotion, and they both hit you, slap you, kick you, rape you, and cling to you in a vise so tight that it's all you can do not to succumb to them because you know that'll only make it worse. Things are never going to get better between us. I know that, and you know it, too. All we'll do is hurt ourselves and each other if we try again.
So why does the thought of you hurting me again sound so much better than sitting in this room alone?
Yours, because I never really had a choice, now, did I?
-C