To Niece, to whom I need to deliver a less snarky form of this speech later today:
A) You are not entitled.
B) Upon entering the house, please don't let the first thing out of your mouth be a demand to know what is for supper. It's rude. Your uncle and I work all day and put up with shitheads at work; we don't need to come home to another shithead. Try instead: Hi, Auntie/Uncle. How was your day?
c) Under no circumstances is it acceptable to sit at the dinner table at dinner time whilst we are all trying to eat dinner (are you picking up on a theme here?) with MY laptop open and a notebook in front of you, sighing heavily like we all ought to shut up about our day because YOU still have homework to do. When it is time to eat dinner, put your shit away and eat dinner with us. We do this every night so it should not have been a surprise to you.
D) Do not post on facebook about how you tried to clean up the kitchen. I see this shit and I know you didn't. Picking up one bowl and one glass and putting them into the sink does not constitute any level of work.
E) YOU dropped your laptop and broke it. It is up to YOU to call Dell to find out how much it will be to replace the screen. I'm not your secretary. Also, the laptop you are using is MINE. You'll ask to use it, not demand to use it, and you'll be reasonable about it when I need or want it for myself. Especially when I see you sitting there watching youtube crap.
F) Just because we haven't outright demanded that you do something around the house doesn't mean we don't want your help or that you shouldn't contribute. It's nice that you do your own laundry but you could offer to make supper once in a while. Or clean the bathroom that you use, or do a load of towels... etc, etc., etc. Are you pickin' up what I'm puttin' down here?
G) If someone in the house, say ME for example, should happen to go downstairs with a load of laundry in his/her arms, and a few minutes later you hear loud banging and screaming and crying, perhaps it would be prudent to come downstairs and I don't know, ensure that the person hasn't been injured, or ask if you can render some assistance, or pat that person on the back and say it'll be OK, and hand her/him a tissue. Tell him/her that he/she can fix the washer, that everything isn't broken in his/her life, that he/she has a lovely husband/wife, that his/her children are really doing well in school and he/she does brilliant scrapbooking and writes well. For example.
H) I'm not holding my breath on the $95 your boyfriend's dimwit mother owes me for the mailbox incident but it would sure be nice if she could call and apologize.
I) When I bought the litter box for your room I told you point blank that I wasn't going to clean it. You said you'd clean it. So it is a mystery to me why in the litter box there is no liner and no litter and yet it sits in your room. You do realize that one or both of the cats peed in it, right?
J) If I catch you cleaning the above-mentioned litter box in the kitchen or bathroom sink or the bathtub I will not be happy. You know where the gloves, liners, and litter are. You are sixteen. Handle it.
K) My children are not the bane of your existence. If you treat them with respect they will treat you similarly. If you behave like an eight year old and bicker instead, don't expect them to treat you like an authority figure. Child care sometimes is not rocket science and headgames, it just requires a little self-control.
L) Lastly, in no polite society has it ever been acceptable to not talk when someone takes you to a movie, and buys popcorn and an icee and lunch. I know you think that little Betty Boop grin thing you gave me was cute, but it was not. It was snotty. Oh - and also, a THANK YOU would have been nice.
*Sigh...* Thanks for listening, peeps.
