I figure I'll post some quotes to get everyone in the mood for tonight:
[during a "Diversity Day" exercise; Angela is wearing a sign on her forehead that says "Jamaican."]
Kevin: Hey.
Angela: Hey.
Kevin: You wanna go to the beach?
Angela: Sure.
Kevin: You wanna get high?
Angela: No.
Kevin: I think you do, mon
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Dwight Schrute: The problem, Jim, is that people who are really suffering from a medical condition won't receive the care they need because someone in this office is coming up with ridiculous stuff. Count Choculitis.
Jim Halpert: Sounds Tough.
Dwight Schrute: Why did you write that down, Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?
---
Dwight Schrute: Someone forged medical information, and that's a felony.
Jim Halpert: OK, Whoa, all right 'cause that's a pretty intense accusation. How do you know that they're fake?
Dwight Schrute: [reading from a sheet] Uh, Leprosy, Flesh Eating Bacteria, Hot Dog Fingers, Government Created Killer Nano Robot Infection.
---Michael Scott: What is the single most important thing for a company? Is it the building? Is it the stock? Is it the turnover? It's the people. The *people*. My proudest moment here wasn't when I increased profits by 17%, or cut expenditure without losing a single member of staff. No, no, no ,no. It was a young Guatamalan guy, first job in the country, hardly spoke a word of English, but he came to me and he went "Mr Scott, will you be the Godfather to my child?" Didn't work out in the end. We had to let him go. He sucked.
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Michael Scott: I guess the atmosphere that I've tried to create here is that I'm a friend first and a boss second, and probably an entertainer third.
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Michael Scott: No, I'm not going to tell them about the downsizing. If a patient has cancer, you don't tell them.
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Michael Scott: This, is an environment of welcoming, and you should just get the hell outa here.
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Michael Scott: I'm friends with everybody in this office. We're all best friends. I love everybody here. But sometimes your best friends start coming into work late and start having dentist appointments that aren't dentist appointments, and that is when it's nice to let them know that you could beat them up.
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Phyllis: [the employees are listing what books they would like to read on a desert island] The DaVinci Code.
Angela: The DaVinci Code. I would bring The DaVinci Code. So I could burn The DaVinci Code.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah right, that would keep you warm for like 7 seconds.
---
Michael Scott: Yes. It is true. I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it, and I am going to do it. I need a username, and... I have a great one. "Little Kid Lover". That way people will know exactly where my priorities are at.
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Edward R. Meow: [Michael and the employees kids are watching the young Michael on an old puppet show] So, tell me, what do you wanna be when you grow up?
Young Michael Scott: I wanna be married and have 100 kids so I can have 100 friends, and no one can say no to being my friend.
Edward R. Meow: [Long pause] Uh... oh, ok. Well, nice talking with you, Michael. Back to you, Miss Trudy!
Melissa Hudson: [after Michael turns off the clip] Did you get married?
Michael Scott: Uh, no...
Abby: Why not?
Michael Scott: Uh, it just never happened.
Sasha: So, do you have any kids?
Michael Scott: Uh, nope.
Jake Palmer: Do you have a girlfriend?
Michael Scott: I do ok.
Melissa Hudson: Was Chet Montgomery cool back then?
Jake Palmer: Even I have a girlfriend.
Michael Scott: Ok. Alright, ok.
Sasha: So you didn't get to be who you wanted to be.
Michael Scott: [pause] I guess not...
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Oscar: Both my parents were born in Mexico, and they moved to the United States a year before I was born, so I grew up in the United States... my parents were Mexican.
Michael Scott: Wow, that is a great story. That's the American dream right there, right? Um, let me ask you, is there a term besides 'Mexican' that you prefer? Something less offensive?
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Pam Beesley: There's nothing new.
Michael Scott: That's not what you said earlier.
Pam Beesley: Oh, do you want me to repeat the messages that I gave you before?
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Jan Levinson-Gould: Some times a manager - like yourself - has to deliver the bad news to the employees. I do it all the time.
Michael Scott: Oh yeah, when have you ever done that?
Jan Levinson-Gould: I'm doing it right now, to you.
---
Dwight Schrute: Okay, first, let's go over some parameters. How many people can I fire?
Michael Scott: Uh, none: you're picking a healthcare plan.
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Jim Halpert: God, this is so sad, this is the smallest amount of power I've ever seen go to someone's head.
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Michael Scott: I know 'grumble grumble', but you would follow me to the ends of the earth grumblin' all the way. Like that uh dwarf from "Lord of the Rings".
Dwight Schrute: Gimli.
Michael Scott: Nerd. That is why you're not on the team.
Dwight Schrute: Just tryin' to be helpful.
Michael Scott: Oh ul, I'll ul. Dragon Slayer. Ten point power sword.
Jim Halpert: That's him.
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Dwight Schrute: Studies show that more information is passed through watercooler gossip than through official memos, which puts me at a disadvantage because
[picks up water bottle]
Dwight Schrute: I bring my own water to work.
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[Michael attempts to assemble a basketball team and Oscar, of Mexican descent, approaches]
Oscar: I can play, if you need any help.
Michael Scott: I will use your talents come baseball season, my friend. Or if we ever decide to box.
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Dwight Schrute: Question, is there fire wood on the island?
Jim Halpert: I guess.
Dwight Schrute: Then I would bring an ax, no books.
Jim Halpert: It has to be a book Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Fine, Physician's Desk Reference...
Jim Halpert: Nine, smart.
Dwight Schrute: ...hollowed out, inside-waterproof matches, iodine tablets, beet seeds, protein bars, NASA blanket and, in case I get bored, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. No, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. Question, did my shoes come off in the plane crash?
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Dwight Schrute: [to the tune of "We Didn't Start The Fire"] Joe McCarthy, Richard Nixon, Studebaker, television, North Korea, South Korea, Marilyn Monroe, Ryan started the fire!
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Ryan's Voicemail: Seven new messages. First new message:
Michael Scott: Hi, Ryan. This is Saddam Hussein.
Ryan's Voicemail: Next message:
Michael Scott: Hey, Ryan, this is your girlfriend and I'm mad.
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Michael Scott: Happy birthday, Jesus. Sorry your party is so lame!
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Michael Scott: I see the sales department as a furnace.
Phyllis: A furnace?
Jim Halpert: How old is this ship?
Pam Beesley: How about the anchor?
Phyllis: What does the furnace do?
Michael Scott: Let's not get hung up about the furnace, it's just I see the sales department are down there, they are in the engine room, and they are shoveling coal into the furnace, right? I mean, who saw the movie Titanic? They were very important in the movie Titanic. Who saw it? Show of hands.
Jim Halpert: Not really sure what movie you're talking about. Are you sure you got the title right?
Michael Scott: Titanic.
Pam Beesley: I think you're thinking of "The Hunt for Red October."
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Roy: Well what is your type?
Jim Halpert: ...Moms, primarily. Yup. Soccer moms. Single Moms. Nascar Moms. Any type of Mom.
Kevin: Stay away from my mom...
Jim Halpert: Too late, Kev.
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Michael Scott: [holds up his injured foot, which is wrapped in plastic] What does this look like to you?
Stanley: Mailboxes, Etc.
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Michael Scott: Can I have everyone's attention, please? Phylis; Oscar; Ryan, who's supposed to be dead.
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Michael Scott: You people are jerks. Imagine if you had left Stevie Wonder on the floor of that bathroom instead of me.
Phyllis: Oh, we wouldn't, we love Stevie Wonder.
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Kevin: [during Diversity Day] God, I don't know... Maybe I should have gotten some food or something.
Kevin: [wearing Italian on his head] Maybe some spaghetti.
Michael Scott: No, Kevin, stop with Diversity Day for a second!
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Michael Scott: You know what they say the best medicine is.
Kevin: Well, the doctor said a combination of Interferon and Dacarbazine.
Michael Scott: And laughter, also.
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Michael Scott: Oh, and another fun thing. We, at the end of the night, are going to give the check to an actual group of Boy Scouts. Right, Toby? We're gonna...
Toby: Actually, I didn't think it was appropriate to invite children since it's, uh, you know, there's gambling and alcohol. And it's in our dangerous warehouse. And it's a school night. And, you know, Hooters is catering. Is that enou-is that enough? Should I keep going?
Michael Scott: Why are you the way that you are? Honestly, every time I try to do something fun or exciting, you make it not... that way. I hate... so much about the things that you choose to be.
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Dwight Schrute: [thinking he's steering the "Booze Cruise" boat] I was the youngest pilot in Pan Am history. When I was four, the pilot let me ride in the cockpit and fly the plane with him. And I was four, and I was great and I would have landed it, but my dad wanted us to go back to our seats.
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Michael Scott: Last week I would've given a kidney to anyone in this office. I would've reached right into my stomach and pulled it out for them. But now, no. I don't have the relationship with these people that I thought I did. I hope they ask, so they can hear me say, "Uh, no, I only give my organs to my real friends. Go get yourself a monkey kidney."
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Michael Scott: I swore to myself if I ever got to walk around the room as manager, people would laugh as they saw me coming, and they'd applaud as I walked away.
---
Dwight Schrute: When I was in the 6th grade I was a finalist in our school spelling bee. It was me against Raj Patel. I misspelled, in front of the entire school, the word "failure".
and my favourite quotes....
Jim Halpert: Hey, uh, can I talk to you about something?
Pam Beesley: About when you want to give me more of your money?
Jim Halpert: No, I...
Pam Beesley: Did you want to do that now? We can go inside. I'm feeling kind of good tonight.
Jim Halpert: I was just... I am in love with you.
Pam Beesley: [No longer smiling] What?
Jim Halpert: I'm really sorry if that's weird for you to hear, but I needed you to hear it. Probably not good timing. I know that, I just...
Pam Beesley: [Stunned] What are you doing? What do you expect me to say to that?
Jim Halpert: I just needed you to know. Once.
Pam Beesley: Well, I... I can't...
Jim Halpert: Yeah...
Pam Beesley: You have no idea...
Jim Halpert: Don't do that...
Pam Beesley: ...what your friendship means to me.
Jim Halpert: C'mon. I don't want to do that. I want to be more than that.
Pam Beesley: I can't.
[a small tear runs down Jim's face]
Pam Beesley: I'm really sorry... if you misinterpreted things. It's probably my fault.
Jim Halpert: [Trying to recover] Not your fault. I'm sorry I misinterpreted our friendship.
! Here's a spoiler on what's gonna happn tomorrow...