I know exactly what Calleigh is thinking because it's something that my soul mate said to me before asking me out due to fear that I wouldn't feel the same way: I would rather have you in my life in any capacity than not in it at all. She's thinking that it will hurt less to have him peripherally there than if she would lose him. And this is Calleigh, I don't think she's capable of thinking of herself in a relationship that DOESN'T end badly. She's trying to protect herself from what she sees as inevitable, and she knows that she's not strong enough to lose him. I mean remember in Man Down, the thought of losing Eric is the one and only thing that rattles her and sends her walls and control crashing down. She just can't see herself in a successful long-term situation, and she knows she can't lose him, so she's forcing herself to keep the distance that allows her the control she so desperately clings to. And I don't think it's even that she thinks Eric will hurt her, I think it's more that she's afraid of hurting HIM. Because every relationship she's ever known has ended badly, and he's too precious to her. She's protecting him like she always does.
I noticed during the kiss, she kind of opened her eyes a little, and it was like she wanted to pull away and tried for a second and like couldn't bring herself to, almost like she was afraid to. Which, considering her background, and considering that I at least see Jake as rather violent-tempered, she may have been afraid to say something to him. I think that's very telling too. And not like he'd hit her, but more like he's just controlling and maybe borderline verbally and emotionally abusive. With her history I can see her just seeing that as the way things are, because I am completely convinced that's how Hagen was with her, and how her family was, etc. But of course she's so protective that she would go all defensive at the slightest sign of someone she cares about being in that position. I think her logic would be that it's okay for her to be hurting as long as someone she cares about is not, not making the connection that it hurts others to see her hurting. But yeah. and then in the elevator she sees that she hurt Eric and she's like oh shit, and right there her logic is toast because she realizes the magnitude of the situation. But she's too terrified to do anything about it. I think she also realizes that while she has it all rationalized in her head, Eric doesn't see her logic, and so he's now hurting because of her, and she might have a block because it's so clear to her that she doesn't understand how it isn't clear to him as well. And because he challenges her and tells her she's wrong, that not everything is black and white, she has to acknowledge that she made a mistake. And now she's hurting because she hurt someone she loves, and that's not gonna go away easily.
Wow I'm full of it tonight :lol:
