I have a suggestion for this thread. I like the idea of helping everyone out with their fan fics, but I'm not a big fan of how the critique must be structured. It might be a bit more inviting if there were less rules on how the critique is to be presented. Just a thought. I only skimmed over the existing critiques, so if I completely repeat what someone else has said, sorry! And I'm deviating from your structure a little. If that's a problem, well... I guess I won't be here long. Okay, here goes: 1. I liked the reference to WFDF. I liked your description of Calleigh from Eric's point of view. This story is short but simple, with the pinch of fluff every EC shipper needs once in a while. 2. a) Verb tense. Stick with one tense throughout the whole story. Usually, for 2nd person stories, present tense works rather well, so it's important to make sure nothing in the main part of the story (their actions, basically) is conjugated in the past tense (which is really easy to do if you normally write 1st or 3rd person stories). b) Punctuation of dialogue. It may seem minor, but doing it right is just as important as anything else. For example, “Bingo.” You murmur, smiling as you see her full lips purse into a thoughtful pout. should be "Bingo," you murmur, ... Comma, then lower-case Y. c) The reminiscing bringing a feeling of nostalgia right to your heart 'Bringing' should be 'brings,' unless you add it to an independent clause. d) I like using 'um's and 'uh's more than 'err's. I like using nothing even better. For example, “Can I stay at your place tonight? I’m sorry. The water’s off in my building and, err, they can’t get anyone in until tomorrow evening. I’d ask, err, Wolf, but, err…what?” You could try something like, "Can I stay at your place tonight? I’m sorry. The water's off in my building and--" You trail off, frowning a little at her lack of response. Taking a deep breath, you continue, "They can’t get anyone in until tomorrow evening. I’d ask, uh--" You chuckle nervously. "I'd ask Wolfe, but, he's--" You stop talking then, because she's smiling, and that confuses you. "W-what?” Basically, you can cut between where you want it to seem like he's stammering and insert a little blurb about what he's doing. 3. I'm a big fan of 2nd person stories. I love writing in the second person; I love reading second person. Unfortunately, it's very difficult to do well, and the majority of stories would be better off in 3rd person, past tense. 4. Hey, just because I had more stuff in the second group, doesn't mean your story's bad. It's just a lot easier to pick out little details that could be improved to put the finishing touches on a story (and in my opinion, a lot more useful to the writer). Great job, Jodie. I enjoyed reading it.
Ohhh thank you somethingsdont I appriciate you taking the time to do this. I like you're ideas for the stammering, I will definatly use them in the future becuase, lets face it, he's cute all nervous. I think I have done one story in the 2nd person that was well done. The others I havn't been 100% about. It was a 'Bones' one, if anyone watches, called Suenos. That seemed to go well. Thanks once again to you all! :lol: Jodie xxxxxxxxxxx
Very nice story, Adorelo. I don't mind 'first person' stories, and find them easy to follow. I too picked up on the awkward stammering. When I write a character's nervousness into a story, I usually use three dots to separate the words, with an occasional "um" (or as in your case 'err') in there, like this: “Can I stay at your place tonight? I’m sorry. The water’s off in my building and...and um, they can’t get anyone in until...tomorrow evening. I’d ask...Wolfe... but... what?” you pause, seeing the amusement grace her features. Something like that. I liked how Calleigh picked up on his rambling, the fact that he doesn't normally stammer. It shows that she knows him more than the average co-worker, she picks up on his nuances, his habits. I also like the little things like how you wrote that Calleigh's lips "purse into a thoughtful pout" or how her mouth curls "up in amusement"...little things like that add to the character's statement or reaction (whatever the case may be)...makes it far more than just a written line a character says or thinks. Very nicely done. I hope you write more first person stories...perhaps the first person of more than one character, alternating of course .
CSI Critique FanFiction #2: CSI Miami, H/C, "Going Under" by Jennifer. GOING UNDER Missing Scenes TexasJen Calleigh sat on the bank of the canal, the sun warm on her back, though she couldn’t feel it. All she felt was the chill…the chill of her wet clothes, the chill in her hands as she smoothed her hair back off her face, the chill she felt down to her bones knowing she almost died. Her body trembled almost imperceptibly at the thought of how close she came to dying, and her cold fingers moved to her wrist to feel her pulse. She kept her fingers there, wanting constant confirmation that she was alive. And that was how Horatio found her. He’d been on the phone with her when she was hit…and he’d heard it and everything else as she went into the water. After shouting her name into the receiver a couple times, he ran out of his office, calling for Delko to follow him, and calling the police and paramedics from his cell phone as he ran to his Hummer. He broke every speed limit to get to Calleigh’s side, the lights and sirens blazing. His Hummer came to a screeching halt, dust flying, near where she sat. He threw open the door and breathed a sigh, his hand covering his heart, as if to calm the pounding in it. He moved to her side, taking in her pale countenance, her wet hair pulled back from her face, her fingers lingering on her wrist. He also saw the tremors. So in tune to her was he that he saw the trembling within her, even though no one else could have detected it. He softly called to her, “Calleigh”, as he reached her side. She made no movement, no sign that she heard him. Again, his smooth deep voice softly called her name, penetrating her senses. “Calleigh.” The thump-thump-thump of her heartbeat against her fingertips thumped loudly in her ears. Images ran through her mind like a movie playing in fast forward, playing over and over right in front of her eyes…the loud shot, the Hummer plunging into the canal, water seeping through, glass cracking, breaking the glass, water rushing in…she heard him call her name. She blinked and turned toward his voice, her heartbeat beginning to calm. Her eyes focused in on his face, on the sound that never failed to bring her a sense of calm…her name spoken in his soft deep, full of concern, voice. He removed his sunglasses and called her name a third time, having penetrated the fog, “Calleigh?” He knelt by her side and spoke softly to her, “I don’t want you to move ‘til we check you out. The paramedics are on the way.” Suddenly she remembered what she had been doing, the evidence. Her eyes said it all. She didn’t even have to speak for him to know she was worried about the now compromised evidence. Regret and self-recrimination coated her words, “The evidence is um…” she began, unable to continue. A smile curved his lips at her worry. So like Calleigh to be concerned about the evidence. Her dedication was one of the many things he loved about her. “Right now, Sweetheart, that’s not important,” he told her as moved in a little closer, placing his hand on her leg, hoping it would calm her trembling. His eyes bored into hers, conveying his thoughts without speaking further. He so rarely let terms of endearment slip while they were at work. They’d been seeing each other for a while and were keeping it a secret, not wanting any feelings of impropriety or favoritism from the others. She blinked again and held his eyes, trying to tell him without saying it that she was sorry the evidence was ruined. “But it’s all compromised.” She could hear the sirens now, as they got closer. “Yes…everything but you ma’am,” he replied as he rose to his feet and then bent down again to kiss the top of her head and brush his fingers warmly against her cold cheek. With the paramedics arriving, he needed to resist the urge to take her into his arms to calm and warm her. The paramedics stopped near the Hummer as Horatio helped Calleigh up, his hand against her back as he walked with her to the rescue truck. Having been a CSI for years, he knew his way around their vehicles. He went to retrieve a blanket as the paramedic examined her and asked if she was injured. The paramedic stepped back as Horatio placed the blanket around her shoulders and rubbed her arms to start the warming. She smiled up at him in ‘thanks’, but it still wasn’t the normal mega-watt smile she usually gave him. “What can you remember?” he asked softly. “It was a blur.” The doubt was written clearly on her face, “You know, just…it came up out of nowhere.” “Okay” he said gently, encouraging her to continue. “I’m an unreliable witness,” she moaned as she covered her face with her hands, almost feeling ashamed. “No worries,” he told her, not wanting her to feel bad. Eric arrived and came to see how she was doing, concern clearly etched on his face. “Calleigh? You okay?” “Yeah, I’m okay,” she replied as she tucked her hair behind her ears in a nervous gesture. The slight tremor in her hands did not escape Horatio. “Somebody doesn’t want the evidence to see the light of day. Can you think of anything? Something for us to go on?” Eric questioned. She looked at Horatio and saw nothing but love and encouragement reflected in his eyes. She fought the urge to grab onto his hand as she answered Eric’s question, “The car was black…maybe…I don’t know!” she cried. Horatio ended it. “Okay,” he said to Eric, then “No worries,” to Calleigh. He turned away and indicated for Eric to follow him, “Eric” so they could speak away from her. After speaking to Eric, he turned back to Calleigh, finding her refusing a trip to the hospital, telling the paramedic that she felt fine. The paramedic eyed her narrowly, “Are you sure, Miss Duquesne?” Horatio stepped in, knowing full well she wouldn’t go to the hospital, knowing himself what she needed. “I think what Miss Duquesne needs is to go home and get some rest.” He dismissed the paramedic with a look in his eyes. The paramedic wordlessly acquiesced. He’d heard about the connection the Detective and the Lieutenant shared, and knew Lieutenant Caine would take care of her. Horatio squatted down, level to Calleigh, and spoke softly and gently. “Calleigh, Sweetheart…I’m going to take you to my house. I want you to stay there and get some rest.” She opened her mouth to protest, and then shut it at the look in his eyes. She’d seen the need. Not the normal need she usually sees there, but one borne of a deep concern for her well being. It never ceased to stop her in her tracks and for not the first time she wondered how she got so lucky to have this man love her as deeply as he did. She placed her hand in his outstretched hand as she rose up off the ambulance bumper. His lips pursed as he felt how cold her hand still was, and again fought off the urge to take her in his arms right then and there…in front of Eric, the paramedic, and the police. Instead, he reluctantly dropped her hand and guided her to his Hummer with a hand at the small of her back. Calleigh hesitated before getting into Horatio’s Hummer. It was the same as the car she was driving when she went into the canal, and the images again threatened to invade her consciousness. Sensing how she felt, Horatio gave her a moment, but stood close behind her. His voice was low and achingly soft, “Cal?” as his fingers lightly brushed the back of her neck. She didn’t speak, couldn’t speak over the lump in her throat, brought on as it always did by the tenderness in his voice. She took a deep breath and climbed up into the front passenger seat. Horatio leaned over her to fasten her seat belt, and pulling the blanket closer around her, he planted a quick kiss against her cold lips, resisting the urge to warm those lips up…ever aware of those around them. During the ride Calleigh leaned her head back against the headrest, trying in vain to get the images of the accident out of her mind. Again her fingers drifted to the pulse point on her wrist, and feeling her pulse she took a deep calming breath. Her movement didn’t escape Horatio. He reached over with his right hand and laid it warmly on her leg. “I can assure you, Calleigh, that you are most definitely alive.” His hand moved to her face and he lightly brushed the back of his fingers against her cheek. “Warm, beautiful, and vibrantly alive.” His words and his tone spoke volumes about the depth of his love for her, and she turned her head into his palm, eyes filled with unshed tears. Thankfully they had come to a red light. Horatio quickly unbuckled his seatbelt. “Come here, Sweetheart” he softly intoned as he reached for her with his right arm and unbuckled her seatbelt with his left hand. He enveloped her in his arms as best he could over the center console, and whispered softly that he was there and she was okay. Tears fell from her eyes, but she cried silently, concentrating on Horatio’s comforting words. They stayed like that until a horn from the car behind them ended the hug. They arrived home shortly thereafter and as soon as the door closed behind them Horatio enveloped Calleigh in his arms. They stood there in silence, swaying slightly as he rubbed her back warmly, uttering soft words of comfort in an effort to quell the quaking in her. The tremors he’d detected in her earlier were back, this time much more noticeable as they wracked her body. He pulled back and framed her face in his hands, “Sweetheart,” he said ever so softly and gently, “It’s okay to cry.” Her eyes filled and her chin trembled, “Baby…” he whispered as he moved to cradle her head against his chest. This time she cried openly, her tears wetting his shirt, his arms closing tightly around her. As her tears began to subside he scooped her up in his arms and carried her back to his bedroom. He sat her gently down on his bed and bent down as he began to remove her shoes. She stared blankly at him as he removed her shoes and then her socks. Placing his hands on either side of her, he kissed her as he moved his body forward against her body, gently forcing her to lie down. His kiss awakened a need in Calleigh and when he began to unbutton her slacks, intending to remove them and her shirt so she could rest comfortably, she grabbed the lapels of his suit jacket, bringing him down to her for a deep kiss, conveying her need. Horatio knew what she wanted…needed…to feel alive, she wanted and needed a life affirming sexual romp. He was never one to refuse her, especially when she wanted to make love, and this would be no exception. This time he knew it wasn’t so much her wanting to make love, but her desire to feel alive after coming close to dying. Understanding this, he quickly removed the rest of her clothes, and with her help he shed his own, laying his suit across a chaise lounge. There was no foreplay, no softly whispered words of love. Instead, this was a frenzied coming together of two souls very much in love, but needing a release that would resonate through their bodies long after the coupling ended. Minutes later she collapsed breathless onto his chest, soft whimpers still emanating from her. He kissed the top of her head as he stroked her hair and back. “You okay now?” he softly questioned, his deep voice vibrating against the cheek that lay on his chest. She lifted her head and smiled into his eyes, “I think so,” she replied lazily, and then biting her bottom lip continued, “Thank you for that,” she said, obviously referring to their frenzied lovemaking. He smiled, his eyes twinkling with love and understanding. “You’re welcome.” He reached with his finger to tuck her blonde locks behind her ears. “I understand the need to reaffirm that you’re still alive. You remember what brought us together, don’t you?” he questioned. Calleigh smiled her response. Of course she remembered…he’d needed to feel alive when his life had been in mortal danger, and it had been their first time making love. He’d felt guilty afterward, thinking he’d taken advantage of her, but that was quickly put to rest when she’d kissed him senseless and revealed to him just how long she’d been in love with him. “I love you, you know,” he whispered softly. She smiled broadly at him. “I know,” she drawled before meeting him halfway for a long heartfelt kiss. Horatio pulled back from the kiss and rolled her to the side, planting a kiss on the tip of her nose. “I’m going to get back to work and find the bast…the person that did this to you. In the meantime, I want you to rest…get some sleep,” he said, an eyebrow raised as he finished, fully expecting…and receiving…a protest. He placed a finger on her lips to shush her protest. “Please Sweetheart, for me…just rest.” Her look softened and she nodded her acceptance. He kissed her again before extricating himself from her arms, covering her with the blanket that lay at the end of the bed, and moving to the bathroom for a quick shower. He dressed just as quickly and moved to the bed to kiss her goodbye before leaving. He looked down at her as she slept, then bent down to study her more closely as she “slept”. He eyed her warily, wondering if she was really asleep…or just pretending. After a few moments, he smoothed back her hair and kissed her cheek. He turned to go, stopping one more time at his bedroom door to look back at her. He smiled as he looked down and shook his head…that woman, he loved her more than life itself, but she was going to be the death of him some day. Less than an hour later, freshly showered and dressed in clothes she kept at Horatio’s house, Calleigh went to the kitchen to use the phone to call for a taxi. She glanced out the window and saw a police car idling in the driveway. Puzzled, she walked to the squad car as the young officer rolled down the window. “Why…can I help you with something, Officer…” “Officer Parker,” the young man stated. “Officer Parker.” “Lieutenant Caine said you would need a ride to the lab…” he looked down at his watch, “…right about now.” Calleigh smiled. He knew she wouldn’t stay, and probably knew she’d been faking being asleep when he left. She couldn’t pull the wool over his eyes, no matter how hard she tried. She chuckled as she went around to the front passenger seat, smiling at the young officer, who wondered why she grinned the entire way to the Miami Dade Police Department. Within minutes she was at the lab. After stepping off the elevator she glanced up at Horatio’s office…and found him standing outside his door, in his usual stance…hands on his hips, jacket open, staring down at her. Only this time he was smiling. She smiled her mega-watt smile back at him and caught his wink. After looking around to make sure no one was watching she quickly pursed her lips at him, signifying a kiss of thanks before she turned toward the trace lab. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This week's TQ: When reading a fanfiction outside of your usual fandom name three things you can do to get the most out of the experience? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Thank you everyone for participating. Last week went pretty well and I really appreciate everything. I won't copy and paste most of the stories into the thread but we had to do it this way due to special circumstances. Please everyone enjoy reading this one, I did. And please leave your critques. Oh, and don't forget the "TQ." -LLK
I am sorry this is short. I wrote it all out and then it told me my form was no longer valid I will start with the TQ H/C is not my usually fandom so three things I can learn are : 1) How none E/C shippers think Calleigh and Eric interact. 2) I can learn and 'steal' mannerisms the author has given the characters when they are with each other. 3) Learn more about WHY the ship exists, why the characters work well together. Ok, I'm just going to jump right in... One particular thing I liked was "...and her cold fingers moved to her wrist to feel her pulse. She kept her fingers there, wanting constant confirmation that she was alive." I found this was a wonderfull way to express the fear and strong emotions of the moment. I like the idea of keeping the scene as it origionally was in the episode, and simply exploring the emotions behind the words. I have done this once or twice and have had a good responce. The story does not have that 'fixed' feel that usualy arises with work like this and I enjoyed the fact you added extra 'moments' into the mix. But, of course, a problem with this is that not all readers will have seen the episode. I suppose it depends entirly on who you are aiming the story at. Viewers of CSI:M will obviously know what is happening, but if you posted the story elsewhere, is it right to assume people will understand? With this fic, it's not a problem as it can be read simply as a story rather than a 'follw on' from an episode. But in the future you may wish to connsidor that fact. One criticism (and I say one becuase I really couldn't find anything wrong with it!) is simply that you told the whole thing from Calleigh's point of view then, near to the end, you added Horaio's feelings in rather than his actions. You managed not to be 'God like' when writing in 3rd person and you stuck to one characters point of view, execpt for ear the end when you wrote, "He smiled as he looked down and shook his head…that woman, he loved her more than life itself..." which is great, but you hadn't mentioned his feeling before this. Maybe you could alternate between POV's. That way you get the emotions of both characters out, but still keep the correct view point. Overall I found I enjoyed reading H/C simply becuase your writing was so good. you have a strong ability to write emotion witout it becoming over-bearing. I'll look forward to reading more of your work. Jodie xxxxx
Hey all. I just wanted to remind you that we have a new fic up for critique and we really need some critiques done for it! I'll have mine up either later this evening or tomorrow! -LLK
Since H/C is my #1 ship, this was awesome. But for the occasional one that isn't, I simply ignore that fact. I can read E/C without any difficulty because: a) It's the story part that counts, not necessarily the ship. b) See how the story conveys the romance - perhaps get a glimpse from the other character's POV c) Picture it in my head. Things are often really really vivid when the writing style and descriptions work Alright now, Jennifer... the story gives a great glimpse into what should have happened in "Going Under", so thanks so much for giving this to us! The DuCainers shall love you forever! Two suggestions though - 1. The use of words, though very good, is a tad difficult to understand. As well as some of the descriptions. Ex. "Suddenly she remembered what she had been doing, the evidence. Perhaps you could clear this up a little, like: "She suddenly remembered what she had been doing. Something about the evidence."[/i] 2nd thing: Add more POVs. It was mostly Calleigh during the fic, and in 3rd person you ought to use more than just one POV. They have a word for this, but I can't remember it right now... it's posted up on the wall in my classroom. Mono-something. It's when you only write things from one person's perspective. These stories can be quite interesting, however. I love how you described the romance scenes. They were so sweet, they actually made me laugh sometimes. Please continue writing like this - It's just too sweet not to read! Sissi
One of my biggest pet peeves in fanfiction is stories that are overwhelmed with dialogue and don’t have much else to them. I really like, you have no idea how much, that you took your time getting to the dialogue in this one. I also like how simple it was when you started. I think it makes the difference between a good and a great writer when it comes down to the dialogue. You have gently placed nuggets of dialogue within a story that is told through emotion, perspective, raw imagery. That really makes it great! Sorry, I really, really, really have a deep appreciation for that. I’m going with the others on the perspective thing, but only sorta. I think that your shift to H’s perspective was as little ill placed and brings and awkward feeling close to an otherwise nearly blemish free story. However, I disagree about the need to include MORE perspective. The story was absolutely great all the way through, from Calleigh’s perspective. I don’t suggest more point’s of view, but rather less. I think that with a little tweaking in the end there and making the story completely from her perspective you’ll have something that develops a deep connection between the reader and the character. So, that’s just my take on it. Though I mentioned it briefly, I think I’d like to bring it up again as my second thing you did very well. Your use of imagery really made the story for me. Passages like “The thump-thump-thump of her heartbeat against her fingertips thumped loudly in her ears” or “Calleigh sat on the bank of the canal, the sun warm on her back, though she couldn’t feel it. All she felt was the chill... the chill of her own wet clothes, the chill in her hands as she smoothed her hair back off her face, the chill she felt down to her bones knowing she almost died.” and “She didn’t speak, couldn’t speak over the lump in her throat, brought on as it always did by the tenderness in his voice.” You knack for descriptive language really makes the story a pleasure to read. As for the TQ, well, here’s what I’ve got. So far the last two stories that we’ve featured have been outside of my fandom but I’ve still managed to greatly enjoy reading them. This is what I did. 1. I just pretend it’s original fiction. If I don’t know the characters already, well then what’s the point of pretending to myself that I do? Or, if you want to embrace the fanfiction qualities these next two tips might help. 2. Maybe do a little research about the fandom, if you already know something about it. In just about an hour online you can learn a great deal about just about any ‘ship in any fandom. 3. Pay attention to the “allusions” in the text. Almost every fanfiction will allude heavily to canon and if you’re careful you can pick up on the allusions. These can be a great basis for your research. Overall I think this story really helped me develop a grasp on reading CSI Miami fanfiction and I’ll be a lot more open and receptive to reading it in the future. Not to mention, I’ll be a lot more able to understand. Thanks for that! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Umm... Someone said that they didn't like how the Critiques had to be structured... well.. then I make this amend. Please, structure how you will. But... you MUST have 2 things they did well for every 1 they did poorly. Also, please answer the TQ in every critique. Thanks. -LLK
Thank you Adorelo, SpeedsDaughter, and lostladyknight for your critiques. I really do appreciate them! I, honest to God, have never thought of the POV when I've written a story. That this one was mostly from Calleigh's POV and then a little Horatio near the end was completely by accident. I'm not sure which suggestion will work...one POV or more than one, but perhaps next time I write story I'll try it both ways to see which makes the story better. I get most of my inspiration from watching episodes and seeing holes...either scenes that beg for continuation, or something I felt should have or could have happened between one or more scenes. Sometimes I feel an episode needs to be continued where it left off and I'll write a continuation of it. I'm not very good at writing stand alone stories, I don't think I have the imagination to come up with a good plot...I envy those that do. Thank you for your very kind comments about my story...of all I've written, I'm the most proud of this one. I'm glad I offered it to this forum as I really feel I've learned from it, and will benefit from it as well. Thanks for doing this, lostladyknight!
I'm really glad that everyone is enjoying participation. I really wanted this group to take off and it seems like we're all growing to enjoy it. Jenifer, what I said about perspective I only meant for specific cases. This particular story seems like it would sit better with only one perspective, others though work very well with multiple perspecitves. So... I guess I was really just saying is consider both choices, per story, and make the decision based on each one. Now that we've gone a few weeks does anyone have any suggestions to make the group any better? Also I was wondering if anyone would mind one of my stories being featured, eventually. I have one in particular, well two, that I'd like to see your thoughts on. I know it's not exactly fair of me to present my own work for this group. Anyway... I just wanted to see how everyone feels. If you all wanna PM me and not discuss it here, for whatever reason, that's cool too. And what do you think about the TQ's? I haven't chosen a "best TQ answer of the week" yet because I decided to wait a while on that. Do you think they add any to the discussion? Are they a waste of space? Well thanks everyone! -LLK
I enjoy responding to the TQs - I find them to be helpful and relevant when writing a critique. It kinda shapes the aspect of the critique. I wouldn't mind seeing your work LLK. From what I've read your work is very well-written, but every story has small things that can change, can't they? I've had some of my work published (nothing big; more like anthology stuff ) and I like getting them critiqued.
I enjoy the TQ too, they are rather challenging. It's like being back in my English class! And that's a god thing! You're work is more than welcome on here LLK. And if it is like some of the stuff I beta for you, I know I'll love it!! You're had some work published SpeedsDaughter? That's cool. Where? I had a short story published once haha that was fun.
~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ CSI Critique Fanfiction #3: CSI Miami, Talleigh, "Lips of an Angel" By SpeedsDaughter ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ TQ: What makes the reading experience different when reading a songfic and not a fiction written in standard prose? ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ Thank you all for your participation. Please keep in mind that you must submit a critique in order to get your fiction featured. Please speread the word the more the merrier. You will have one week (seven days) to complete the critique on this story and then the next featured story will be posted. The next story will be featured on: Sunday, October 28th, 2007. ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~
Well done, SpeedsDaughter! I could really feel Calleigh's emotions, her grief at losing Speed. The non-lyric parts of the story were really well written and conveyed her emotions so well. I liked the fact that Horatio was the one to offer her comfort (I do ship H/C ). I admit I never once even thought of a S/C pairing, but after reading the story I'm thinking it would have worked. I did love him myself. But, I'm not sure how the song ties into the story. The song (and I admit I don't know the song) seems to be some guy talking to his exgirlfriend, while the current girlfriend is in another room, and the two still have feelings for each other. But this is a funeral and Calleigh is overcome with grief, watching the others, thinkig of Speed, talking to his parents...so I don't get how the song applies. Maybe it's because I don't know the song, so perhaps i really don't get the lyrics and that's why I don't understand how it ties in?? Re the TQ: For me, song fics are hard to follow, the lyrics of the song break up the story, making the story harder to follow. It's distracting. I guess it would be different if the song were playing while the story was being read (without the written lyrics), then you could *feel* the song, *feel* the music. However , for this story, it was easier for me to follow because the lyric portions in between bits of story portions were short (the longer the lyric portion, the harder for me to follow the story), so the story was easier to follow. And an added plus, the entire song wasn't in the story...that can really drag out a good story, not to mention make the lyric portions of the story longer (and thus, more distracting). Hmmm...maybe the fact that these stories are not as easy for me to follow is why I don't understand how the song fits in with the story. Sigh! I miss Speedle...his rugged messy good looks, his sarcastic wit. Thanks for bringing him back, albeit dead, in this story. Oh...for my own educational purposes...this was a single POV story, right? Written from Calleigh's POV?